Hammers to launch ‘Bubbles wrap’ during today's annual Chelsea-thrashing event

As the Hammers squad continues to disintegrate under the pressure of mounting injuries, the Science department down at Chadwell Heath have announced an incredible solution to the problem. The bubbles boffins have developed a number of ingenious ways of reducing the risk of injuries – these  inventions are set to revolutionize the whole landscape of modern football by reducing the intense absenteeism that bedevils the modern game.

 

The innovation involves a ‘medley’ of options for use by injury prone players. ‘Entry level protection’ can be provided using standard bubble wrap, or as it will henceforth be called “Bubbles wrap©”  It is expected that Joe Cole will be used as to launch the range in today’s fixture versus the visiting Chelski side who will be nervous after their thrashing in last year’s equivalent fixture. In fact, some sceptics have claimed that the main reason that the aged and injury prone midfielder was brought back to West Ham was to facilitate the demonstration of the new product!

For the more ‘traditional’ user, especially those with mild S&M tendencies, there is the medieval chain mail head and upper torso wrap. Of course, there is also an uber-expensive gold medallion version made specially for use by those ‘stars’ who feel so fragile and precious that they need a flashier version. Sales to the two Manchester clubs alone of these versions are expected to fund Hammers plans to knock the unfit for (football) purpose Olympic stadium and build a proper footie ground in its place.

Finally, the top of the range option involves a modified sumosuit that provides maximum protection from the malicious tackling of the Cattermoles, Shawcrosses, and other ‘players’ who hide their lack of footballing talent behind the label of ‘enforcers’.This range clearly poses a massive threat to the current ‘squad system’ whereby rich clubs hoard players in order to stop other smaller clubs building decent teams. It will almost certainly bring to an end the careers of various hanger-on journeymen who mostly occupy the ‘available if needed to do a job’ regions of the club, whilst picking up a pretty handy wage for not working.

 

Happily for the Hammers, the ruthless stewardship of the Allardyce era means that there are few hangers on loitering about the reserves, but for the likes of Man City, Spurs, and today’s visitor’s Chelsea, it is likely to provoke a massive fire sale of stock. For Jose Morinho's Chelsea, today's is a hopeless task in respect of getting anything from the actual game but the visit will provids an opportunity to view the new merchandise as well as practice looking bemused as the opposition repeatedly scores. Paddy Power has given incredibly generous odds of 66-1 against the Hammers repeating last years performance - understandable given how much West Ham have improved in the interim!