Sunday 30 June 2013

Hairy Hammers: West Ham’s all time top hirsute XI

There can be no doubting that footie is a testosterone-fuelled pursuit and no denying the joy of witnessing a hirsute hero charging out from defence, warrior-like, with the ball and facing down the evil enemy. However, with the increasing feminisation of modern society, including the demise of the weirdy-beardies, we look back at those hairy-types who have served the Hammers down through the years and wonder how they would fare against the current whiskerless wannabes.

The Hammers have been graced by a healthy collection of beardy-boys creating all manner of headaches for the fuzz-fancying selection team at verywestham . Either way, here is our selection of the Hairy Hammers XI:

Goalkeeper:  Phil Parkes  (backup:  David James)

Defence: Billy Bonds, Frank Lampard Senior, Tomas Repka, Julian Dicks (Subs bench Matthew Upson)…clearly a left back selection headache but Lampard and Dicks both make it even though playing either as a centre back would be likely to bring some ‘hairy’ momenst in defence…… Phnarrrrraha! Equally, some experts might argue that the terminators smig doesn’t really count as a proper beard but they’d probably keep their objections to themselves.

Midfield: Graham Paddon, Geoff Pike, Alan Devonshire, Joe Cole (with subs: Valon Behrami, Javier Mascherano and Keith Robson)

Strikers:  David Cross, Ricardo Vaz Te… Paulo Di Canio doesn’t quite qualify as he is a belated beardy having only stopped shaving when he entered management.

 Team captain would be Billy ‘Bonzo’ Bonds (Obviously!)

                                                        Upson: gutted at being left on the bench!


Wednesday 26 June 2013

Big Sam's Cockney Rejects - Volume One!

As Rob Hall prepares to exit the Boleyn for Bolton on a permanent transfer deal, another promising youngster has fallen by the wayside under the ultra-professional Allardyce regime. For some fans, this reflects a failing in the Big Sam philosophy, while others will point to the subsequent progress (or lack of it) by those who have departed as evidence that Allardyce is an astute operator who refuses to allow deadwood to gather.
Soon after Allardyce’s arrival, a number of younger prospects were shown the door – Stanislas, Nouble and Hines were all deemed surplus to requirements and none have really figured in any major way for their subsequent clubs. Barrera and Sears both struggled to find any consistent form and simply didn’t offer sufficiently significant attacking threats to justify squad numbers. The failure of Sears was especially disappointing but he has never recovered the stunning form he showed as a youth and then there was that fantastic debut - we though he would be the new TC! His tale highlights how underage ability is no guarantee of success at full professional level.

Then we had the clear out last season of Baldock and Maynard – both bought to ensure attacking cover as we faced in to the promotion run in last season, but in truth the performances of Ricardo Vaz Te rendered both unnecessary and the Premiership was deemed by Big Sam to be too big a step up. Maynard suffered a nasty injury and only returned just in time to witness Cardiff’s promotion and may well get a chance to taste the Premiership next year. Similarly, Henri Lansbury seemed like an excellent squad option but a deal didn’t emerge and he is doing well at Notts Forest but without lighting up the sky! Will we ever forget his stint as stand in goalkeeper versus Blackpool after Rob ‘Noddy’ Green’s dismissal…prompting the chant “are you Ludo in disguise?”

And so to this year’s clean out…. Diarra obviously will go and for Matt Taylor it’s probably time to step down a division. Montano is gone to Oldham having failed to deliver on early promise. Will Ravel Morrison prove to be a punt that didn’t work out or is he ready to step up to the top level? Last year at Birmingham seemed to bring him on with consistently good displays both on and off the field…hmmm and what about VazTe  who last season struggled to find form and sustained a nasty shoulder injury, or Modi Maiga – surely well entitled to feel hard done by last season when he always looked sprightly when he got an opportunity. Maybe another season might work, but that seems unlikely under Big Sam’s method prompting the question as to why we bought a player of his style at all?

Surely Danny Potts and Jordan Spence will stay but they will tire of trotting around in the stiff s and / or warming the bench unless Big Sam gives them a run. Potts still lacks some physicality but for Spence there is no such excuse. Hmmm

Final mention goes to Carlton Cole – a Hammers legend and all round decent bloke. We will miss him, even that wistful expression that follows his every near miss. The expectation is that West Ham’s ambition is higher than that which ‘Killer’ Cole can bring. Hammer’s faithful will need little reminding that the last time we parted company with a player deemed no longer good enough for our needs was Bobby Zamora…..who let’s not forget was a stunning success at Fulham, picked up a few England caps and then got sucked in to the mess that was / is QPR! Now there's a thought - a striker who would provide decent cover for Andy Carroll?

Tuesday 25 June 2013

Boa Morte back from the dead with audacious strike!

A player who divided fans during his strangely prolonged period at the Boleyn, Luis Boa Morte arrived amidst considerable expectations that he would continue with the sort of form that made him a central part of the Fulham apparatus. However, many Hammers fans will cite the erratic form, injuries, and tendency to suddenly come over all clueless in front of goal as problems that seemed to only emerge once he joined the Bubbles boys.


For Verywestham, Luis is remembered more for his determination to give his all despite the often harsh treatment he received from some elements of the Boleyn. However, there can be no doubting that his diminished strike rate (from almost 1 goal every 4 games for Fulham) to a mere 2 goals in over 90 appearances was a disappointment for an attack-minded midfielder. Nevertheless, it’s great to see him scoring one of the most outrageous penalty goals of all-time!!! Check it out at:


All right, so it was only a friendly and there are questions as to how legal this is that would have arisen if this had been an important competitive tie, but for audacity alone you’ve got to give it to the man. I wonder if he thought this up during his time at the Boleyn or warming the benches at Chesterfield last season before they let him go?

Oh, and for the pedants out there: 'Interpretation of the Laws of the Game and Guidelines for Referees' states "Feinting at the run-up to take a penalty kick to confuse opponents is permitted as part of football. However, feinting to kick the ball once the player has completed his run-up is considered an infringement of Law 14 and an act of unsporting behavior for which the player must be cautioned."

Oh well, better to have lived.......

Friday 21 June 2013

New Hammers attire created by top international fashion designer

Goldie and Sullivan were not impressed with this early effort
It’s that time of year again when footie supporters get to find out what their favorite club expects them to wear to ‘casual’ social engagements and the like, and once again the Happy Hammers can be not just relieved, but enormously ecstatic! Our boys have really got it right this time, with a sensational piece harking back to the glorious days of the mid-eighties and with just the right amount of white to complement the glorious claret and blue.

Simply gorgeous

All of this has generated considerable curiosity amongst the Bubbles faithful as to who is responsible for this sartorial delight? Insiders at the Boleyn have confirmed today that the new kit was personally designed by top International fashion mogul, the one and only Mugatu! However, this is a tale that could have been very different were it not for the firm stewardship at the Boleyn! It is rumoured that Messers Sullivan and Gold were unimpressed with Mugatu’s initial efforts and only after some considerable reworking did the current strip emerge.

So contented Hammers can confidently turn their attentions to the plight of fans of rival clubs, and not surprisingly there are some embarrassing examples for the Bubbles boys to feast upon. For Arsenal, the fragile French temperament has once again backfired upon them with their new away kit designed by JP Gautier likely to provoke endless laughter from opposing supporters! The kit is so noncey that it is already widely predicted that the likes of Jack Wilshere anf Aaron Ramsay are already plotting their escape from the girlie-power zone that exists at the Emirates.

Meanwhile, news is emerging from abroad that further ridicule and scorn awaits Hammers reject Julien Faubert  who now plies his trade FC Bordeaux in the French league and will thus be forced to wear this outrage on away days next year. Thankfully his time at the Boleyn will have toughened him to the wicked taunts that inevitably await.

In other developments, it has emerged that fans of Liverpool have not only be denied the services of Andy Carroll next year, but have also been robbed of any lingering self respect by the American-owned clubs determination to squeeze every last penny from it’s beleaguered fans by introducing separate kits for the offense and defense – no doubt Glen Johnson and the lads will feel nice and comfy in their new outfit when they fall asleep again during key matches next season.

Thursday 20 June 2013

Hammers expect to be fast off the grid for next season's wacky races

The Hammers will be hoping for a bright start with a series of gentle fixtures to ease them into the new season. Hopefully, they can repeat last years pattern by getting some early points on the board and pushing on from there. Chrsitmas should also be fun as it offers the prospect of another Hammers classic victory over Premiership ‘royalty’ in the visit to Old Trafford and visit of the Gooners to Fortress Upton. One word of caution… will get mighty sweaty if we are needing a flood of points from the final few fixtures, but by that stage we should have our European spot well assured!

West Ham United Premiership fixtures 2013/2014


17/08/2013 15:00 Cardiff City (h)
24/08/2013 15:00 Newcastle United (a)
31/08/2013 15:00 Stoke City (h)


14/09/2013 15:00 Southampton (a)
21/09/2013 15:00 Everton (h)
28/09/2013 15:00 Hull City (a)


05/10/2013 15:00 Tottenham Hotspur (a)
19/10/2013 15:00 Manchester City (h)
26/10/2013 15:00 Swansea City (a)


02/11/2013 15:00 Aston Villa (h)
09/11/2013 15:00 Norwich City (a)
23/11/2013 15:00 Chelsea (h)
30/11/2013 15:00 Fulham (h)


03/12/2013 20:00 Crystal Palace (a)
07/12/2013 15:00 Liverpool (a)
14/12/2013 15:00 Sunderland (h)
21/12/2013 15:00 Manchester United (a)
26/12/2013 15:00 Arsenal (h)

28/12/2013 15:00 West Bromwich Albion (h)


01/01/2014 15:00 Fulham (a)
11/01/2014 15:00 Cardiff City (a)
18/01/2014 15:00 Newcastle United (h)
29/01/2014 19:45 Chelsea (a)

01/02/2014 15:00 Swansea City (h)
08/02/2014 15:00 Aston Villa (a)
11/02/2014 19:45 Norwich City (h)
22/02/2014 15:00 Southampton (h)


01/03/2014 15:00 Everton (a)
08/03/2014 15:00 Hull City (h)
15/03/2014 15:00 Stoke City (a)
22/03/2014 15:00 Manchester United (h)
29/03/2014 15:00 Sunderland (a)

05/04/2014 15:00 Liverpool (h)
12/04/2014 15:00 Arsenal (a)
19/04/2014 15:00 Crystal Palace (h)
26/04/2014 15:00 West Bromwich Albion (a)


03/05/2014 15:00 Tottenham Hotspur (h)
11/05/2014 15:00 Manchester City (a)

                                                                      Oh Yeah!

Hammers 4-2 Reading: Summer of contentment awaits

The second half went all wrong as Reading hit back with two quickfire scores but the current Hammers are so much more resilient than of old and demonstrated typical grit to score two more and run out easy winners at 4-2.

Captain Fantabulous pushed on for a hat trick and double figures (yet again) for the season....

VWH are off to sort the garden and source some factor 90 sun block.

And dream of keeping Diame and Carroll for next season, along with another decent striker...