Wednesday, 31 October 2012

Blatts calms Clatts Spat as Nostradamus Boy predicts robot invasion

English football has taken the appearance of a scene from Madagascar as the referees association swarmed together in support of embattled member, Mark Clattenburg. Top whistleblowers from across the UK gathered to show solidarity after Clattenburg received an indefinite suspension amid rumours of insensitive language towards some of the Premiership's vulnerable performers.

Clatts: Safe amongst his own

In related developments, Benito Mussolini, the former Italian dictator, who faked his own death six decades ago, came out of hiding to offer support for the beleaguered Clatts.  Il Duce, who is a distant cousin of Pierluigi Collina, has offered to provide stand in referee cover for Clatts during his period of enforced exile from the Premiership. Although the harsh and pedantic leader has little experience behind the whistle, it is thought that his innate cruelty should be a major asset in his new role.

                                                                 Natural Talent

Meanwhile, media-shy Clatts has gone in to hiding as he has a natural aversion to publicity, preferring wherever possible to go unnoticed in his role as referee. It is rumoured that he has sought the help of his boyhood idol, Fulton ‘Mr’ Mackay, the loveable warden in BBC’s long-running prison-based sports sitcom, Porridge. Speaking in Clatt’s defence, Mackay revealed “There's going to be a new regime here, based not on lenience and laxity but on discipline, hard work and blind, unquestioning obedience. Lives will be made a misery. I am back, and I am in charge

                                          Mackay: Chief adviser to the referees association

Earlier today, Clatts  issued a ‘come and get me’ challenge to world dictators but could face an uphill battle to find work after the dramatic loss of form in recent times of Muammar Gaddafi and Saddam Hussein. It is rumoured that a role may be made for him in the burgeoning African Nations League, perhaps working as director of football for Uganda’s current despot Yoweri Museveni.

                                                                Sudden loss of form

In other news, veteran peace campaigner, Neil ‘Narky’ Warnock voiced his support for the Clatts who he fears may be under threat of death from Chelsea, criticising the famously criminal club for trying to ‘kill’ the vulnerable Clatts. The equally calming influence of FIFA peacemaker Sepp Blatter also entered the debate offering the helpful observation that “Professional soccer needs a little more S&M in it, I cannot see the problem as long as it’s between consenting adults”

                                                 ...all good healthy stuff

Staff at verywestham were quick to point out how their intrepid crimewriter, Rory Meagher, predicted that the increasingly fascistic referee would come unstuck after the appauling scenes that marred the Hammers recent annihilation of lowly QPR at Loftus road (see ‘Hammers survive Dreddful Clattering’). Not surprisingly, the young sleuth (aged 9) has been hailed as the next Nostradamus and continued his revelations with the shocking prediction that more than half of the premiership players will be lego-robots by 2014.

Sunday, 28 October 2012

Wigan 2 West Ham 1: Hammers Juggernaut derailed by Wanderly Wigan Wagon

And so it was, those happy-clappy characters at Wonderful Wigan rolled over the bubbles boys and sent them back home to London with nothing but a mere bowl of gruel to show for their efforts. Wigan boss, the ever-effervescent Roberto Martinez, delighted with the result enthused “those cockney gringos think that they can come up here and mess with our shit – well let them go back and spread the word that Roberto is Yeesus”

Conversely, the magnanimous Hammers were quick to extend their congratulations to lowly Wigan and wished them every success in their ongoing battle for Premiership survival. Manager Sam Allardyce revealed “ We played like a division 4 Essex Sunday League pub side and with the help of the bar and a dodgy refereeing decision or three they came out just on top. We are really delighted for them”. The club are said to have immediately sent a congratulations card to the Wigan team.

                                                              Well bloody done Sir!
Well known East end businessman Alfie ‘one shot’ Biggins revealed ‘It was a fair cop, they caught us with our pants right down. I intend to personally extend my congratulations to Mr Ramis and sincerely hope that he is fully fit and available for the return clash at Upton Park later this season’

On a brighter note, the administrative assistants in West Ham's travel department were particularly relieved at yesterday’s result “ the way the boys have been going it was looking like we would have to organise all manner of European trips next year – it would pose a complete logistical nightmare, what with Joey O’Brien’s proneness to travel sickness, Carlton Cole’s allergies and James Collin’s painful sunlight sensitivity”

                                               Even an afternoon in Newport proved too much for the young James Collins
In a further positive development, Messers Gold and Sullivan identified another prime free-transfer target for the off season in young Tartan-tinged Irishman James McCarthy. “We believe that on a proper diet and free from the burden of mowing Mr Whelan’s garden that young James could become a top player” a source revealed.
                                                  Get those jellied eels into you my son!

Saturday, 27 October 2012

Terror Tactics planned for Wicked Whelan’s Wigan Workhouse

Wigan can exoect terror tactics from today's visitors
 Travelling Hammers fans have been warned to bring their X-rated sunglasses for this weekend’s visit to Wigan as senior first teamers have vowed to avenge Wigan’s wicked treatment of the Hammers reserve team in the recent Capital One Cup encounter. 

Captain Fantastic, Kevin Nolan, was said to have been incandescent with rage after the beating that Wigan dished out to the young Hammers reserve team that turned out for the recent Capital One Cup clash at Upton Park. Young Rob Hall locked himself in the toilets for an hour afterwards while poor little Dan Potts was off his food for two days.
Speaking as the Hammers boarded their new club jet, Nolan warned: “If you’re gonna go around beating up someone’s little brother then you are gonna come unstuck when big Bro catches up with you”. As part of a campaign of terror, the Hammers have vowed to cause as much wanton destruction as possible during their visit today.
Nolan taking a break at training earlier this week
The list of possible terror tactics includes:
Refusing to give the ball back for throw ins
Arguing endlessly about offsides (Carlton Cole will take a lead in this matter)
Raiding the Wigan trophy cabinet (errr maybe just deface the empty shelf with ‘clean me’ graffiti
Littering the dressing room with brochures for European travel
And, Top club prankster Joey O’Brien’s specialty, vandalising the visitors toilets by filling the cistern with bubble bath.
However, Big Sam Allardyce has some other worries to contend with – it is feared that the Wicked Dave Whelan remains distraught at the loss of Momo Diame to the Hammers during the Summer and may try to kidnap the midfield dynamo during the game.  Luckily, the Hammers backroom staff has assembled a range of cunning disguises for the Senegalese to use during the match that should make him virtually impossible to identify.
                                                          Momo: Master of Disguises
Meanwhile, Hammers top sports psychologist, Marco Boogers  has identified what he considers to be the key tussle within the match highlighting the mouthwatering meeting of EA sports stats busybody Mark Noble vs his boyhood here, The Duracell Rabbit



Sunday, 21 October 2012

West Ham 4-1 Southamptom: Heartbreak for Hopeless Hammers!

As the sun sets on another day of Premiership mayhem at Upton Park, jubilant Hammers faithful are asked to spare a thought for those especially dedicated fans amongst us who have been left feeling let down and betrayed by the events of the season so far.

Hopeless Hammers logo
A despondent Derrek Dowdall, president of the inept Irons fan club described deep disappointment amongst some fans at how the club have abandoned their traditional values leaving some supporters feeling empty and unfulfilled by the shallow embracement of success and achievement.
D-Wreck explained “we are so used to feasting on the dysphoria that comes from losing games where you’ve outplayed the opposition but fallen foul to a sloppy set piece goal- the despondency is sooo real, and unmatched by anything else........except maybe a final day relegation”.
The Hopeless Hammers club have gathered much momentum in recent years and hold regular support group meetings in the vicinity of Stamford Bridge, where they can expect regular abuse and intimidation from local 'Pensioners'. Even when the Hammers achieved promotion last Summer the upbeat nihilists countered – “Although we were disappointed by the play off final result, the silver lining was that Last season’s promotion was an excellent stepping stone towards ritual relegation this year”
                                                          Last Season’s Hopeless Hammer of the year
The sadass gathering were initially delighted by Sam Allardyce’s appointment as Derrek explained “We were initially excited by the prospect of not just experiencing poor results but also while playing crap football – that would be nihilistic nirvana!” However, the Hopeless Hammers have been deflated watching their beloved losers get good results and also while playing some decent football! “Modibo Maiga’s stunning strike for the fourth goal was a crushing blow to our members, the strength in depth of this Hammer’s squad is just sickening”.
The group see yesterday’s annihilation of Southampton as the final straw and have launched high profile campaigns to get rid of Kevin Nolan and bring back Avram Grant. They have also expressed open fury about Mark Noble’s extended contract – “these are all developments that bring unwanted success and prosperity to West Ham- we reject and abhor such nonsense”
                                                       Another Hopeless Hammers legend

Other Hopeless Hammers members have threatened to take their perverse loyalty elsewhere  - a development that could provide an opportunity for a novel ‘cash plus fans’ payment scheme for the totally hopeless Blades of Sheffield United. These are the kind of fans who self harm by wasting large sums of their cash on the total crap that most clubs pedal as ‘official merchandise’. It is hoped that such a scheme could substantially reduce the outstanding 20 million that the Blades are scheduled to receive from the Hammers as payment for their extravagant and endless whinging over sloppy paperwork issues from the Tevez era.

In other developments, the extreme Hopeless Hammers breakaway faction known as Fortune’s Always Laughing (at us) issued a typically absolutist response:
  “It’s hopeless, totally hopeless, we can never be truly hopelessly without hope again”.

Saturday, 20 October 2012

Ahar me Hearties! Boleyn Buccaneers ready to Bounce Back

Recent conscripts aboard the Good Ship Bubbles

The yawning break in Premiership proceedings enforced by the latest round of International qualifiers is sure to be brought to a sudden end on Saturday when West Ham welcome those old seadogs from the Port of Southampton to Fortress Boleyn. Manager Sam Allardyce has issued a warm welcome to the visitors and has emphasised that Londoners have fully forgiven Southampton for allowing the black death to enter England in 1348. However, insiders have warned that there can be no similar forgiveness for the continuing scourge of Craig David.

The Hammers are said to be seething with indignation after their narrow 1-3 defeat to the Gooners which they are attributing in full to referee Phil Dowd's malignant sophistry. In particular, the yellow-card dished out to Momo Diame for celebrating his stunning strike was pivotal in restricting the dominant midfielder's further contributions.

                                                     The acceptable face of player kissing

In an exclusive interview he revealed “It got so hot during the goal celebration – some of the lads can take it a bit too far in the hugging and kissing stakes – especially Mark Noble.  I was boiling up and needed to cool down by any means but obviously Mr Dowdy was angered by our group celebrations  -  the current crop of premiership whistleblowers are a bunch of joyless loners who get perverse pleasure from punishing others for being happy. It’s like revenge of the nerds out there”

                                                                  FA Refereeing School Class of ‘96

However, the effervescent Hammers have refused to let such refereeing pedantry spoil their Premiership party and have promised to take revenge upon Southampton today. The nervous newbies have so far struggled with the demands of the English Premier league.

Former saints legend, Matt Le Tissier, who now runs the pie shop at St Mary’s stadium has also expressed concern ahead of today’s match “ Southampton have stuck with the squad that got them out of the championship, but last year West ham battered them at Upton Park and only for Matt Taylor’s unusual dismissal it could have been a cricket score” He also revealed his worries for today’s more vulnerable players – it’s so much harder nowadays, the range of tempting snacks is so much wider and those new Walkers crinkle cut crisps are really irresistible"

                                                             A truly substantial Saint

Meanwhile, Police have issued a grade four Dowie-alert around Upton Park today. With Halloween fast approaching, it is feared that he may be uncontrollably attracted to the crunch tie between his two former clubs. Senior club sources have pleaded with the yeti-like creature to stay away to avoid  jeopardising the sustainability of their Kids for a quid scheme
                                                         A recent Dowie-Beast Sighting


Sunday, 14 October 2012

The Irish Brigade: West Ham’s Greatest Green XI

This World Cup Qualifier weekend provides an ideal opportunity to consider matters International. As Hammers who hail well west of West Ham, the Verywestham team have gotten to wondering how a team comprised of the greatest Irish Hammers might look.

So here it is, after detailed trawling through club records, a team coddled together from the most notable Irish players to turn out in the claret and blue.

The Irish brigade
Back Row: Breen, Brady, Henderson, Moroney, Keane, Cantwell
Front Row: O'Brien, McCartney, Dowie, Lomas, Hughes

Goalkeeper: We have had a lot of short stay Irish netminders at the club with no single player really making the position their own. Allen McNightmare was certainly the most memorable, sadly for all the wrong reasons – possibly making the greatest contribution of any single player to our relegation in 1989. Will we ever forget all those crazy moments when he came running off his line only to get stranded in no-man’s land!


We got a slice of Gerry Peyton towards the end of his career, mainly in a covering role while Roy Carroll performed pretty solidly until personal problems interrupted. David Forde never really got a proper chance and Noel Dwyer was well before our time. In short – it’s all good news for young Stephen Henderson – the position is his for the taking, even despite a few anxious moments in pre-season run outs and a nasty full debut versus Wigan in the league Cup! Given Jaskelainen’s age, he seems likely to get every chance to justify this selection in coming years….fingers crossed!


The defence was… well, frankly, worrying! Unbalanced and not endowed with aerial presence. There would undoubtedly be much sweating at set pieces.


Joey O’Brien at right back is the man of the moment (and had no real challenge from former players).


Centre back is a real patch up…..Gary Breen and Clive Clarke…Hmmm. Luckily, Big Sam demonstrated to us in pre-season how Georgie McCartney can provide pretty solid cover in that position so we are going with Gazza Breen and Georgie. They may lack aerial prowess, but Colin Clarke was too lacking in mobility.


Left back provide a more challenging call – We got a useful turn out of Chris Hughton at the twilight of his career but Noel Cantwell was a much more formidable left full from long ago and gets our selection.


Midfield is by far our strongest zone. Steve Lomas as enforcer and water carrier and a nice partner for Chippy Brady. Although Brady is primarily a Gooner, we got two very decent seasons out of him that included some cracking moments.


Wee Michael Hughes was a great seizure from Wimbledon - gamey, if lacking in physicality, and with a useful habit of scoring at key moments. Both Frank O’Farrell and Tommy Moroney were key contributors in the early fifties but Tommy Moroney gets the final nod, mostly based upon his presence on the glorious Ireland team that was the first foreign team to beat the old enemy on their own turf at Goodison Park in 1949.


Of note: Kevin Nolan should be on this list but no manner of persuasion could get him to use the Parents rule as qualification. Perhaps luckily for West ham since the extra mileage of International football might have caught up on those now ageing legs.


Up front, David Kelly underachieved – too light for top-level English football. David Connolly was too, well, David Connolly (i.e. perfectly average). Robbie Keane came and went in the blink of an eye, with most of that time spent on the injury room table, but on the basis of what might have been (and forgiving him the goal-line miss against Blackburn that could have spurred a more meaningful survival bid two years ago) he gets the nod, just!

And finally, Frankenstein himself, terrifying Iain Dowie – a true Hammer who was not prolific by any means but always gave 100% and created opportunity for those around him. A real servant who had two determined spells at the club and is one of the more refreshing TV pundits about. Loyalty – a rare thing amongst our footballing folk these times.

So, a team that would by no means be worldbeaters, but we might expect plenty of effort and any team with Liam Brady could always find a moment of magic, while Michael Hughes would be sure to spoil a few Man United celebrations and Robbie could always find cause for a party!


Thursday, 11 October 2012

Gangsta Gangsta: Ravel still hanging with the homies

As the curious case of Ravel Morrison entered another chapter this week, speculation has grown that the troubled teen’s loan spell at Birmingham City may come to a premature end due to his persistent problems with ‘poor attitude’.  It is rumoured that Bloooze boss Lee Clark has finally lost patience with Morrison’s refusal to drop his ‘Gangsta’ persona whilst on the field of play. His insistence in wearing ankle height trousers and a heavy ‘bling’ clock is posing a major impediment during training and backroom staff have become fatigued by the gangsta grandstanding and daily death threats.

It is believed that his twin bosses of West Ham and Birmingham are planning to join forces to provide ‘an intervention’ for the hoodied hood.

'We are only doing this because we really care about you'

Top adolescent criminologists have designed a special Toxic Culture Detoxification (TCD) programme for the gangsta-obsessed Morrison with progressive musical harm reduction involving intial exposure to the Happy Mondays, followed by a Yob downgrade to the Stone Roses until ultimately it is hoped to settle him with inoffensive middle aged popsters Elbow.
Gangsta, aha ha!!!
Speaking from his old Trafford stronghold, Sir Alex Ferguson expressed his surprise at the difficulties with Morrison. The crafty old curmudgeon was shocked to hear of Ravel’s continued hoodlum behaviour which he has previously attributed to high jinks. “hai keen too goan doon thir eh?” he revealed "thir oulz oan wi bank stand".

                                                         The ultimate Rap Godfather

If the loan period at the Bloooze is unsuccessful, West Ham are rumoured to be considering farming the young ruffian out to new feeder club Limerick FC where it is thought that Ravel would feel at home in the City's thriving Gangsta culture.  Such plans may be scuppered however by rumours of a takeover of Limerick FC by a billionaire Turkish oil magnate who have been attracted to the newly promoted seaside city and the progressive culture in the Airtricity Premier league.

                              A warm Jackman Park greeting awaits all next season

Meanwhile, Dr Sam Allardyce (PhD) in a penetrating perspective on rap and gangsta culture revealed “ I find the whole concept terrifying, mostly by virtue of its propensity for extreme stupidity and glorification of cretinous halfwits. Lightweight clowns the lot of them”. Morrison, however, remained unrepentant as he vowed 2 stay tru 2 his gangsta roots.on twatter today “gangsta is d only way i can be true to myself, and keep it really long as the udder homies agree” . He also announced plans to abandon the shackles of professional football altogether for a new career as a rapper ‘ Mr Waiy-sta’

                                                    Punctuality has not been an issue


Tuesday, 9 October 2012

West Ham 1 Arsenal 3: Gooners face Hen House Manure Humiliation

Just as the dust was beginning to settle after another veritable barnstormer at Upton Park last night, it emerged that the Gooners celebrations of their narrow 3-1 victory may be somewhat premature as the result is likely to be overturned under new UEFA rules.  In after match testing for illegal use of performance enhancing strategies, three of the Arsenal side failed the routine ‘full of BS’ test and have been referred for further testing for exposure to performance enhancing psycho-poppycock.
Sam: Philosophical

A senior UEFA official commented “UEFA has become aware of the increasing abuse of a variety of dangerous sports psychology interventions and in response have widened our crack down to include psychobabble as well as drug use.” It is thought that Arsene Wenger’s [real name Bob Waddlesworth] recent media comments about ‘negative vibes’ within the modern game alerted UEFA to probable abuse in the Arsenal camp.

Other observers believe this to be an attempt to gag the outspoken Wenger who has recently advocated replacing the standard rectangular pitch with a baseball-like circular field would substantially reduce the bad vibes that bedevil the modern game. Wenger has speculated, for example, that diving and other dishonest calls for penalties would cease overnight, even by his own team who marred Saturday’s ficture with several outrageous demands for ridiculous penalties.

                                                                   Really bad vibes

The cost of such pitch reconfigurations has terrified UEFA into punitive action and Gooners fans fear that the punishment may be severe, involving points deductions and possible expulsion from the league. Were this to happen, the Scottish third division could prove an ideal re-entry point for the Gooners where they could join up with fellow footie-cheats Rangers FC. Sources inside UEFA are said to be most satisfied with the extent of the humiliation that the ‘Gers’ have experienced (so far) but await the results of their planned escalation for later this season.

 In a pre-emptive strike, Wenger has already begun to bleat about the ‘physicality’ of some of their would be competition, singling out lowly Stenhousemuir FC for special mention.  
                                                  Ready for the Stenhousemuir Challenge

Meanwhile, the joy for Big Sam Allardyce just keeps flowing with news that his old friends at Limerick FC have been crowned first division champions and are promoted to the Airtricity Premier League next year. It seems the Allardyce factor continues to reverberate wherever he has travelled spreading the good word about the beautiful game, except Blackburn.

                                                               Where's me tackies?


Wednesday, 3 October 2012

Gullible Gooners fall victim to Wengers 'Vibes'

After many months of speculation, it was finally revealed today that Arsenal's erudite 'French' manager, generally known as Arsene Wenger, is in fact Bob Waddlesworth, a junior banking official from Slough. Amazingly, Bob, who has maintained this remarkable subterfuge for more than a decade, cannot speak French and previously knew nothing about football!  In a surprise press announcement he explained to stunned reporters how it all started with an innocent joke using a Franglais accent that quickly progressed to an unhealthy addiction to the hilarious 80s comedy ‘Allo Allo’ before spiralling totally out of control so that he became possessed by the full 'French' persona that became Wenger.
Totally addictive!

Bob explained "i put in a joke CV for the Arsenal manager's post and presumed they would see through the ruse - for example, i had no previous experience as a player and i put down FC Nancy as my only managerial experience - i thought everybody was aware that FC Nancy are a made up concept to propagate the English stereotype of French men as effeminate, but I guess that the board were so desperate to move on from the horror of the George 'Grim' Graham era that anybody new seemed attractive”


Bob described how he spent long hours in front of the bathroom mirror in his bedsit in Slough perfecting a variety of pretentious facial expressions including the ‘deeply pensive’ to the ‘disingenuously disaffected’ looks that have become Wenger trademarks . These seemed to fool the gullible North Londoners and then all he had to do was find a team; “At first i played safe using fantasy football stats from the French League and it worked a treat because English players were so talentless at that time - we couldn’t stop winning trophies!”

                                                  Wenger: Disaffected

However, Bob revealed how things then started to turn sour “ I think that some of the senior players rumbled that my accent was fake and that I never spoke in actual French – I realised that Vieira and Henry had to go! Luckily the rest of the squad were too self-absorbed to notice my shortcomings or the departure of the more intelligent members of the squad”.  But the problems soon re-emerged; “unfortunately, i then got too ambitious and started using my own judgement - bringing in players because they looked like typical Arsenal 'types' with disastrous results including Stepanovs, Cygan and Chamakh”.

As things have continued to fall apart at hapless Highbury, Waddlesworth was forced to try increasingly desperate ploys to direct attentions away from his poor stewardship “ At the start of this year I realised that as we haven't won anything for years that it was becoming inevitable that i would be found out, so i decided to try a pincer manoevre: first, i invested in some eye-grabbing aliens – Gervinho had been top scorer in the Klingon League so i snapped him up – I then created a distraction by coming out with all this shamanic vibes bolloxology – if there’s one thing that I have learned over all these years it’s that Gooners are gullible!"

Bob said that he is relieved to have finally come clean and is now looking forward to getting back to watching his boyhood idols at Crystal Palace. “At least normal folk can afford to get into matches down there – not like all that overpriced bourgeois crap at Arsenal – it’s all fur coat and no kecks”

                                        Ideal for those chilly evenings down at the Emirates: Kecks optional

In response ahead of this weekend's big clash, West Ham manager Sam Allardyce commented " Arsenal are at a low ebb - we can take them. We used to batter them for fun when i was at Bolton, expect plenty of whinging afterwards from Widdlewaddle-Wenger or whatever he's called now about 'excessive physicality' and the likes "


Tuesday, 2 October 2012

Hammers Overcome Dreddful Clattering: QPR 1 West Ham 2

The FA are once again under fire after disgraceful scenes last night at Loftus Road where the peacekeeping force of Mark Clattenburg and his assistants were barely able to maintain control of what became a 'warzone'. Clattenburg was forced to go on a Judge Dredd-like retribution spree, booking a new Premiership record of eight Hammers players, including Momo Diame for wearing his boots too tight and Mark Noble for kicking the ball dangerously hard.
A top seller from the new Clattenburg Collection

As Clattenburg lost control, he cautioned Hammers reject Rob Green for smirking at Julio Cesar’s comical efforts to keep out West Ham’s decisive second goal. However, West Ham are likely to appeal goalie Jussi Jaaskelainen's caution which was listed in the referee's report for being "deliberately Norwegian" which seemed a tad harsh given that he hails from Finland.  

In ugly scenes outside the ground, 'Clatters', as he is known by his fellow whistleblowers, attempted to perform a citizen’s arrest on Hammers chief crimelord  Sam Allardyce and was later observed chasing after the Hammers team bus in his self-styled panda car in an attempt to caution the driver for failing to indicate properly upon exiting the Loftus Road carpark. 

                                           Clatts in his enforcermobile

Clattenburg, the proud owner of Britain’s largest Dad’s army DVD collection, is no stranger to controversy having had a whopping 11 applications to join the territorial army rejected. Moreover, he was previously described as a ‘liability’ by fellow members of his local neighbourhood watch due to excessive use of restraint against pensioners. Speaking at the launch of his new ‘Clattenberg Collection’ of law and order themed t-shirts he sighed “Thankfully, my family were not exposed to the carnage of last nights game due to the 8PM domestic curfew that I have imposed. After that time I only permit movement aided by the use of infra-red night goggles”

                                       Clatts and the neighbourhood watchies

Meanwhile, easily disappointed QPR boss Mark Hughes revealed “Frankly, I was disappointed – at least 3 of their starting 11 didn’t get a caution even though they were clearly accessories to the battering my lads got. It’s disgusting when that kind of wanton domination goes unpunished by the FA”.

                                                    Jarvis: swamped after goal number 1

Criminal mastermind, Sam Allardyce, was unrepentent - my lads aren’t interested in all that poncey fair play points stuff  -  that nonsense only gets you relegated – look at Blackpool! - and lets face it, the Europa league is for sissies and impoverished eurozone wannabe nations. We don't want to creep into Europe through any back door system - it's the full front door entrance or nought for us.

                                        Vaz Te: Swamped after goal number 2

                                    Another Classic Clattenburg Tee