Sunday, 26 February 2017

West Ham Fall Victim to Fake News

All Football fans are the same aren't they - Thuggish lager swilling louts with a penchant for unprovoked violence and crap food.

Err, no apparently! A highly scientific fans' poll has identified the preferred hobbies of followers of each of the Premiership clubs, with some incredible results!

First up, Hammers' fans apparently like nothing better than to curl up beside the fire with a warm cup of Ovaltine and get stuck into some Sudoku!!! Yes - it appears that the party life is not for us. Amazing stuff, that's hard to believe especially when you look at what rival fans are allegedly up to when they aren't irrationally screaming for their preferred footy favourites:

Both Arsenal and Palace fans like a bit of chess - hipster types that they are. For Palace fans, chess is probably more thrilling than watching the typical 4-6-0 formation employed by Allardici.

Man United like their managers just like to go shopping - presumably for overpaid has been players like Schweinsteiger and I-Zlatan.

Bizarrely, Chelsea fans like to spend time with their family (those that haven't been disowned that is) while Man City fans like to jog. Everton fans like to drink - a pastime that will undoubtedly increase when Romelu Lukaku inevitably leaves this Summer!

West Brom fans love a bit of bingo - a nice extension of the boring football by numbers they endure under Tony Pulis!

Stoke fans like to indulge in a bit of gardening, Southampton fans like to play with kites and, picture this, Foxes fans like to draw.

In the unexpectedly 'cool' bracket are Bournemouth fans who like to engage in birdwatching, while Burnley fans like to DJ - presumably in the burgeoning local club scene!

Spuds fans like pool, while there was no preferred hobby for Watford fans, one suspects because the pollsters couldn't find any.

Meanwhile down at the bottom end of the table Sunderland and Middlesboro fans are united in their preference for DIY - undoubtedly both sets of fans often believe they'd be better off playing for the team themselves than leaving up to their underperforming stars.

Ironically, Hull fans like board games. That's board, not bored, although both could readily apply.

Is this just another example of what Humpty Trumpty refers to as Fake News? Or is it time for the match programme to include a new section to appease the Sudoku needs of our fanbase.



Saturday, 25 February 2017

Hammers Ready to Sting Hornets

A Hammers win today for sure, Ted!

Thank God the FA Cup break is over - even though the heroics of Lincoln and (ahem) Millwall made for entertaining viewing, the absence of Hammers activity was frustrating. Anyhow, today Bilic's boys are heading across London to seek revenge against a Watford side that inflicted an embarrassing 4-2 defeat on the Hammers earlier in the season. Seemingly coasting at 2-0 up, West Ham then suddenly fell apart - with their defensive frailties cruelly exposed by the angry Hornets.

The word is that Superslav has been focusing on defensive training during the Dubai warm weather break and will be hoping to keep it tight at the back today. Presumably, jose Fonte and Woinston Reid will be getting well used to each other by now and

With ongoing debate about Andy Carroll's groin strain most experienced Hammers fans will wearily concede that the big man will be out again today. With Diafra Sakho still at least a fortnight short of returning, SuperSlav will probably go with Michail Antonio up top with Feghouli, Lanzini and Snodgrass supporting from midfield.

With Sam Byram back in the reckoning, Cheik Kouyate will move centrally into midfield with the unthinkable possible - Captain Claret on the bench!!! Word is that Bilic will stick with Darren Randolph in goal despite an under par performance against the Baggies that allowed two soft goals to the otherwise totally outplayed visitors to the London Stadium a fortnight ago.

'Mystic' Mark gave Hammers fans a prematch boost by predicting that Watford will coast home by two clear goals at 2-0. Meanwhile, Paddy Poormaker agrees giving odds of 15/8 against a Hammers win - even though Slav's troops have won six of their last ten games, including three away wins!

Maura Zarate may get the chance to say hello to his former team mates as he is available for the Hornet, while Pedro Obiang will be looking to impress in front of his former Fiorentina boss now governing Watford, Walter Mazzarri.

Sunday, 19 February 2017

Hammers Star Breaking Bad in Hat Trick Heroics!

In shock developments it has emerged that the West Ham squad are finding their mid-term break at a £500 a night luxury resort in Dubai both energising and a valuable boost to team morale! Michail Antonio has released pictures of the trip that capture the relaxed atmosphere within the group - so relaxed that some of the players have taken to trying out a variety of costumes and other fun paraphernalia!

Robert Snodgrass appeared for the evening meal adorned in a semi-frilled shirt that would fit perfectly on any Shakespearean thespian, while our main striker looks to have recovered from his groin strain and has turned out in perfect Andy-Cap pose. Meanwhile, chief netminder Dazza Randolph looks like he is ready to head out for  a game of polo with a piece that looks like a horseriding helmet!

However, undoubtedly the star of the show is breaking bad wannabe James 'Heisenberg' Collins with a superb wide-brimmed number. Ginge is taking no risks in the hot desert climate as he does not want to ruin the trip by needing to visit the local burns unit. Meanwhile, Sam Byram is doing a pretty decent Jesse Pinkman impersonation.

Happy days - let's hope the break brings a solid push up the table starting with a win against Watford.

Friday, 17 February 2017

Hammers Ready to Swoop for Rakitic

Please can I play in your team Mr Bilic...

As the rumours of discontent in the Barcelona camp continue to gather pace, a major focus has been the apparent falling out between manager Luis Enrique and star midfielder Ivan Rakitic. The Croatian dynamo has found himself largely excluded from the starting XI over the past two months and despite putting a brave face on in the media, it is known that his agent is exploring options beyond the Nou Camp with a host of Premiership clubs interested.

Rakitic is an experienced international with over 80 caps and was Croatian footballer of the year in 2015. Although he grew up and represented Switzerland all the way up to U21 level, he was persuaded by Slaven Bilic to declare for Croatia in 2007. The pair enjoyed a successful relationship for five years until Bilic moved into club management in 2012.

Rakitic is now reaching the prime of his career at 28 years old and although his contract runs until 2019 he is reported as deeply unhappy at Barca, with many observers struggling to comprehend exactly why he has fallen out of favour. To add insult to injury, Rakitic was brought on during Tuesday's mauling by PSG in the 73rd minute after the game had ended with the Parisians ahead at 4-0.

West Ham have indicate a determination to bolster their squad this Summer and with the attacking midfield now firing well with Lanzini, Snodgrass, Antonio and Feghouli all offering options, attentions are likely to turn to the engine where Rakitic is a world beater. Moreover, the acquisition of a mobile ball-winning midfielder would free up Cheik Kouyate to return to his previous more offensive role in the side.

With Man City and Chelsea all watching carefully, Hammers fans will be warmed by the reminder that Rakitic has a favourite English club - having revealed in 2015 that he would love to see West Ham win the Premiership. 

As this crazy season continues to unfold it looks like circumstances are moving towards a new Bilic-Rakitic partnership at the Olympic Stadium for the 2017-18 season.


Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Hammers Provide Fun For All The Family!!!

Nearly 10,000 West Ham United supporters enjoyed a record breaking Family Fun Day at London Stadium – the biggest free fan event in the Club’s history.
Arranged during half term to give thousands of avid Hammers of all ages the opportunity to watch their heroes train up close, the Family Fun Day saw fans flock from all over the country to London Stadium.
West Ham’s commitment to affordable family football meant a children’s season ticket for the inaugural season at London Stadium was just £99, with adult prices starting at £289. As a result, the Club has almost 10,000 Junior Season Ticket holders, many of whom were in the crowd for the history-making event.
Slaven Bilic put his players through their paces, with captain Mark Noble, top-scorer Michail Antonio and new signings Jose Fonte and Robert Snodgrass all impressing the crowd, while Andy Carroll and Aaron Cresswell chatted about the day on the giant screens.
Following the training session, the squad took part in a series of light-hearted challenges, cheered on by supporters, before posing for the biggest team photo in West Ham United history - which incorporated every player, fan and member of staff present at the Family Fun Day.
This was followed by the squad then joining a group of 300 lucky Junior Hammers for a Junior Party on the indoor running track at London Stadium, fully equipped with a disco, face-painting, table-tennis tables, a FIFA station and also enjoyed the opportunity to stage their very own press conference with the manager Bilic and captain Noble.
Noble said: “We don’t get many opportunities to say thank you to the supporters, but today provided the perfect opportunity to show how much we appreciate them and the incredible support they have given us home and away this season.
“You could tell by the smiles on the lads’ faces how much they were enjoying it and I think it’s important for us to thank the fans for all their efforts, because wherever we go, they’re always there giving us their full support.
“Hopefully we’ve generated some good memories for them to take away. If you think about Andy’s wonder goal against Crystal Palace or Reidy’s last-minute winner against Sunderland, we’ve already had some great days here at London Stadium and today was right up there with them.”
Manager Bilic said: “I am never surprised by how passionate and devoted our fans are – and today was another example of that. When I first heard about the Family Fun Day, I was excited and to get 10,000 turn up is really something special.
“Today just further proves how important West Ham is to the community, so for us to be able to say thank you, and show our appreciation, of course we are happy.”
Reflecting on the hugely successful day, Vice-chairmen Karren Brady said: “Today’s Family Fun Day was another shining example of our ongoing commitment to the supporters who have been so exceptional in our first year here at London Stadium.
“We wanted to ensure that as many families and young children could attend, so having the opportunity to host the Fun Day totally free of charge and during the February half-term was ideal, and to have nearly 10,000 attendees was incredible.
“I am absolutely delighted at the success of the Family Fun Day and, judging by all the smiling faces, our young supporters certainly had a great time and will take away countless treasured memories.”
When all is said and done, we are still a family club committed to family values.

Tomkins Not Royalty at the Palace

Reports today suggest that ex-Hammer James Tomkins has fallen out with Eagles fans after Palace slipped ever closer to relegation at the weekend. Apparently frustrated with the strong and persistent criticism of the team, Tomkins verbally remonstrated with fans in the time-honoured way. Tomkins has done well since his surprise £10 million move last Summer but subsequent events have demonstrated how the move was bad business for West Ham as they have greatly missed his versatility.

With Palace's Premiership position ever more precarious
and West Ham still struggling for cover at right back
and James Collins well into the autumn of his career
and Jose Fonte no spring chicken at 33 years of age
and the fact that Tomkins is clearly too good for Chumpionship football
and the need to infuse the squad with a sense of local identity after the Payet saga
and the fact that Tomkins would almost certainly jump at a return to his boyhood club (is that enough reasons?),
we suspect that the Summer will see Tonks do a boomerang.

Just saying...


Tuesday, 14 February 2017

Captain Claret Commits for all of Eternity...

In developments that are in no way surprising, Captain Claret Mark Noble has revealed that he plans to remain at West Ham for all of eternity. Having finally graduated as a Hammers legend, Noble is expected to sign up to a new 325 year playing contract at the club. Fans have expressed their delight at what is widely perceived as only ample reward for his many years of loyalty and commitment.

While some critics have expressed surprise at the length of the contract, club sources have revealed their logic “Mark’s agent explained to us that he has Timelord abilities and thus the capacity to represent the Hammers ad infinitum and simultaneously across time. As you might expect we were initially quite sceptical but a search of club records provided conclusive proof of Marks repeated presence at the club over its full history”

Rumours have been circulating for some time that Noble’s commitment to West Ham is so great that he has appeared for the Hammers in a number of previous incarnations that predate his 'official' first team debut in 2004. Here below, for example, he is with the Cup winners cup winning team – unbelievably back then the young Noble was reimbursed at a mere two shillings and sixpence a year for his pre-Bosman efforts!

And again, here (back row, left), turning out for an early Thames ironworks side – Noble is readily recognised by his trademark nonchalant sideways glance

And here arriving at Wembley with fellow West Ham fans arriving for the 1923 FA Cup final pitch invasion. This incarnation was unusually untalented at soccer and therefore expressed his club devotion by leading the ironically named ‘casuals’

At a press conference earlier today Mark was able to reveal some startling developments in football into the future. As the Captain of our famous future three in a row Eurozone championship team in 2145, he noted “It’s all got so much easier since Man United and Chelsea abandoned football altogether and became a space basketball team”

Sadly, Noble's special abilities do not allow him to influence referees and as such Michael Oliver's outrageously poor performance at the weekend will stand and the Hammers recent push towards a much-deserved European place will remain stunted by the series of incomprehensible decisions that allowed the Sagging Baggies to seize an undeserved draw. There are some things that even a timelord cannot do.