As the Hammers squad continues to disintegrate
under the pressure of mounting injuries, the Science department down at
Chadwell Heath have announced an incredible solution to the problem. The
bubbles boffins have developed a number of ingenious ways of reducing the risk
of injuries – these inventions are set
to revolutionize the whole landscape of modern football by reducing the intense
absenteeism that bedevils the modern game.
The innovation involves a ‘medley’ of options for use by injury prone players. ‘Entry level protection’ can be provided using standard bubble wrap, or as it will henceforth be called “Bubbles wrap©” It is expected that Joe Cole will be used as to launch the range in today’s fixture versus the visiting Chelski side who will be nervous after their thrashing in last year’s equivalent fixture. In fact, some sceptics have claimed that the main reason that the aged and injury prone midfielder was brought back to West Ham was to facilitate the demonstration of the new product!
Happily for the Hammers, the ruthless stewardship of the Allardyce era means that there are few hangers on loitering about the reserves, but for the likes of Man City, Spurs, and today’s visitor’s Chelsea, it is likely to provoke a massive fire sale of stock. For Jose Morinho's Chelsea, today's is a hopeless task in respect of getting anything from the actual game but the visit will provids an opportunity to view the new merchandise as well as practice looking bemused as the opposition repeatedly scores. Paddy Power has given incredibly generous odds of 66-1 against the Hammers repeating last years performance - understandable given how much West Ham have improved in the interim!
The innovation involves a ‘medley’ of options for use by injury prone players. ‘Entry level protection’ can be provided using standard bubble wrap, or as it will henceforth be called “Bubbles wrap©” It is expected that Joe Cole will be used as to launch the range in today’s fixture versus the visiting Chelski side who will be nervous after their thrashing in last year’s equivalent fixture. In fact, some sceptics have claimed that the main reason that the aged and injury prone midfielder was brought back to West Ham was to facilitate the demonstration of the new product!
For the more ‘traditional’ user,
especially those with mild S&M tendencies, there is the medieval chain mail
head and upper torso wrap. Of course, there is also an uber-expensive gold
medallion version made specially for use by those ‘stars’ who feel so fragile
and precious that they need a flashier version. Sales to the two Manchester
clubs alone of these versions are expected to fund Hammers plans to knock the
unfit for (football) purpose Olympic stadium and build a proper footie ground
in its place.
Finally, the
top of the range option involves a modified sumosuit that provides maximum
protection from the malicious tackling of the Cattermoles, Shawcrosses, and
other ‘players’ who hide their lack of footballing talent behind the label of
‘enforcers’.This range clearly poses a massive threat to the current ‘squad
system’ whereby rich clubs hoard players in order to stop other smaller clubs
building decent teams. It will almost certainly bring to an end the careers of
various hanger-on journeymen who mostly occupy the ‘available if needed to do a
job’ regions of the club, whilst picking up a pretty handy wage for not
working.
Happily for the Hammers, the ruthless stewardship of the Allardyce era means that there are few hangers on loitering about the reserves, but for the likes of Man City, Spurs, and today’s visitor’s Chelsea, it is likely to provoke a massive fire sale of stock. For Jose Morinho's Chelsea, today's is a hopeless task in respect of getting anything from the actual game but the visit will provids an opportunity to view the new merchandise as well as practice looking bemused as the opposition repeatedly scores. Paddy Power has given incredibly generous odds of 66-1 against the Hammers repeating last years performance - understandable given how much West Ham have improved in the interim!
Shudnt that be thrashing by Chelsea event?
ReplyDeleteNo
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ReplyDeletePerfect! 0-3. Hopeless task? No, hopeless article. Recognise a big team when you see one. Melted irons
ReplyDeleteYou are sooooo cruel......
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