Ham’s alleged pursuit of John Joe Shelvey is set to escalate after Big Sam’s
recent consultation with famous East end mystic Myrtle Mcflatulence. In her
analysis of the current squad, the ace crystal ball reader identified one key
weakness as the lack of a naturally-bald attacking option. Or to put it more
baldly, the departure of Carlton Cole has left the squad very thin up front in
|Jeez Shelvey, Get your kit back on!|
Gone are the glory days of the 1970s when Jimmy Greaves and
the legendary Bryan ‘Pop’ Robson led the line without fear of misjudging a
cross due to a nuisance strand of hair getting in their eyes. Since the retirement
of Paulo Di Canio, followed by the cruel loss of Dean Ashton, the Hammers have
struggled to recruit top quality offensive baldies, who are now officially an
endangered species after the follicular antics of Wayne Rooney who with the
stunning success of his transplant has paved the way for others to desert the baldy
Commentators have lamented that there is little point in
looking to the Hammers legendary yoof academy as decent baldies generally take
years to mature. While the recent return of Joe Cole has reduced the pressure
upon shampoo supplies at the Boleyn, he is clearly not a natural striker and
far from a fully committed baldy. It seems that clubs like West Ham, with their
relatively limited resources, must rely on past-it or journeymen baldies like
Freddie Ljungberg or ‘Marvellous’ Marlon
Harewood in order to fill the ranks.
A half-arsed beardy and an uncommitted baldy
On the relative strengths side of things, McFlatulence has
highlighted the absence of any weirdy-beardies in the squad as a definite plus.
Hammers faithful (and indeed Goldie himself) may well point to the bearded
brilliance of Bonds, Lampard Senior and Graham Paddon, but equally the
disastrous Matthew Upson bearded phase coupled with the mediocrity of Geoff
Pike would suggest that a whiskerless squad is preferable.
The real reason Gaz O'Neil departed
Either way, McFlatulence
has urged the Hammer’s board to instruct their medical team to get their finger
out and initiate a process of weekly monitoring of follicular endowment.
One top international striker the Hammers are not trying to sign