Thursday 25 July 2013

Hearn’s head explodes after latest Olympic outburst

In tragic news today it was revealed that a suspected terrorist attack in the East London area was, in fact, the head of Leyton Orient Chairman Barry Hearn finally giving in to the vitriolic rage within and exploding messily all over East London. His head suddenly became even more swollen than usual before blasting in all directions! Fittingly. He may have finally gotten a slice of the action at the Olympic stadium as a small part of his cerebellum is thought to have landed beside the half way line.


The state pathologist has put the death down to natural causes – “Mr Hearn was always expected to eventually spontaneously combust due to the relentless whinging and whining that he engaged in and news of West Ham’s latest success on tour in Germany seems to have finally pushed him too far.


As scorers of the three goals against SV Hamburg, Alou Diarra, James Tomkins and Ravel Morrison have taken equal responsibility for the incident although some observers have suggested that the magical display by Matt Jarvis who was involved in all three goals warrants at least a charge of accessory to the crime. Either way, the FA are hoping that this may finally put an end to the relentless and totally pointless windbagging from the ‘O’s who are now being referred to as the ‘Zeros’ by many observers.

However, Mystic Myrtle Windybottom has warned the Hammers staff to look out for poltergeist activities as Hearn is unlikely to let mere death stand in the way of further futile protesting.

Wednesday 24 July 2013

Hammers in for Hollywood Hitmen

The recent twin departures of Carlton 'Killer' Cole and Robert Hall have launched the Hammers into the market for a new hitman to compete with Andy Carroll for the up front berth. Rumour has it that Big Sam has been given the go ahead to do whatever is necessary to make some high profile signings that will boost season ticket and jersey sales ahead of the new season.

In an effort to improve the efficiency of talent spotting the board have decided to utilise the Harry Redknapp 'video oogling method' to evaluate potential signings and accordingly the two Davids have supplied the manager with an unlimited access four week pass for the local video store at Upton Park.

Outraged by the overpriced mediocrity of the Championship, and fed up with the discarded dross that is up for grabs in the French and other European leagues, the canny manager has turned to Hollywood in order to identify a suitably high profile striker. Andy Carroll's highly credible take on top Hollywood target man Steven Seagal has encouraged Allardyce to look in the thespian zone for further offensive talent.


It is rumoured that strong interest has been shown in the prolific Woody Harrelson who may well remind many Hammers faithful of a young John Hartson. His robust style with merciless shooting capacity would be a major assest but unfortunately the big man's propensity for violence towards members of his own squad would argue against such a move - with little Matt Jarvis and delicate Dan Potts possible targets for Berkovic-style ultraviolence.

Other rumours suggest that Big Sam may dip into the Science Fiction Leagues! The return of a Terminator figure to the Boleyn would undoubtedly be popular with fans, especially one with indestructible cyborgian knees rather than a model with Julian Dicks-like design faults. However, recent efforts to sign the Colombian starlet Duvan Zapata may discourage the Hammers as similar work permit difficulties would be likely with such an exotic signing.

An alternative option might be to sign Colin Farrell who demonstrated excellent assassination skills as 'Ray' in 'In Bruges'. However, the film's Belgian location is only likely to bring back disturbing memories of the Hammers devastating defeat at the hands of Anderlect's Frankie Van Der Elst in the 1976 European Cup Winners Cup final. Moreover, Farrell's self harm tendencies may discourage Allardyce who will not want any more injury-prone squad members.

Perhaps the best option might be to sign up a tried and tested hitman pairing - to this end, the Travolta-Jackson team from Pulp fiction a possible return to the TC-God strike pairing of the mid 1980s. However, Jackson's well-documented dietary issues involving excessive interest in various gourmet hamburgers, as well as Travolta's weakness for nightclub dancing are likely to pose a substantial barrier to any deal and may require a simple 'earn as you execute' arrangement.

Ultimately, Allardyce may have to turn to the expensive but ruthlessly efficiency of Anton Chigurh - a character Javier Bardem based upon his observations of the brutal offensive capabilities of the unfortunate and much missed Dean Ashton. One possible issue would be the need for Ashton to take time out from his responsibilities at the helm of The Prodigy in order to assist Bardem in his adjustment to the Premiership.

Other observers have suggested that the Hammers will also need a defensive destroyer after their preseason party came to a shuddering stop with a 4-1 mauling at the hands of FC Mainz from the midzone of the Bundesliga.

Tuesday 16 July 2013

Hammers prevail in Essex Derby: Colchester 1-2 West Ham

Another sunny preseason friendly and Big Sam's lads got another run in the sun at nearby Colchester. Once again, lots of changes meant that it was hard to take too firm a message from the game, but there were some notable performances from some of the Hammers youngsters, with the young American Seb Lletget in particular using the opportunity to impress after he came on as a second half substitute.

Joe Cole really looks lively and seems to have captured some of the bristling edge e had way back in his first spell with the club. A fortuitous goal was his reward. James Collins also has looked sharp so far preseason and manages so ofetn to provide the crucial block just when we seem exposed. He bagged the Hammers second after finding way too much space from a Joe Cole corner - don't expect similar generosity from Premiership defences! Less encouragingly, Modi Maiga again found the net elusive despite good opportunities and Colchester did get a consolation with the last touch of the game.

Otherwise there was no sign of the recent triallists - Engelaar and ? Bramble...hard to know what to make of these but attributing 'considerable experience' to both would be charitable as they are both well into the autumn in their respective careers.

How Freddie might have looked if things had bounced differently

The evening also provided a welcome chance to meet some old friends, including Freddie Sears who played for most of the game - no doubt everybody wishes him the very best as his career enters a crucial phase where he needs to rediscover his form as a youth in order to realise his full potential. 

And so it's off to Germany where hopefully the Hammers will get a tougher test than that which they have encountered so far which, with no disrespect to Cork, Boreham Wood, Bournemouth and Colchester, has only been modest. Three matches versus Bundesliga opposition in 10 days will provide a more revealing test of where this squad is at.


Sunday 14 July 2013

Transfer latest: Hammers in ‘charity’ move for Wayne Rooney!

Amid reports that Man United are refusing to even sit down for talks with Wayne Rooney, breaking news from sources around Upton Park indicate that the Hammers would be willing to offer the out-of-form striker a Premiership footballing lifeline with a one year strictly pay as you play deal. In a further demonstration of the depth of altruism at the club, it has been revealed that the East Londoners would be willing to overlook the first two payments that Rooney would be contracted to make for using the club to showcase his dwindling talents. However, in a twist that may ultimately scupper the deal, it has emerged that the directors have absolutely refused to bankroll any further hair extensions or similar non-essential cosmetic interventions that the easily-bored starlet may demand.


For David Moyes the move would be a massive relief as it is rumoured that he is finding it impossible to ensure grim and workmanlike football from any side that includes Rooney - who's  propensity for skilfull outbursts is said to be uncontainable. As such there is unlikely to be a major first team role for him in the new ‘back to basics’ Man United side. Moreover, given the likelihood that the Mancunians will drift back to the relentlessly unsuccessful period that preceded Alex Ferguson, Rooney would be likely to find the lack of further major trophies weird and ultimately unacceptable.


There are some other issues that would need to straightened out before any deal can be finalised – for one thing, Rooney would have to stop scoring against the Hammers when they play Manchester United and as such would have to give a firm commitment not to score any own goals in these matches. Moreover, due to Andy Carroll’s preferred hairstyle, Rooney would be strictly forbidden from reverting to his previous mop-arrangements under the one-ponytail-per-team FA rule which has been designed to try and reduce the spread of naff fashion nonsense amongst impressionable young footballing fans.

                                                                           Totally unacceptable

From a marketing perspective, the move would make perfect sense for the Hammers as they seek to increase their share of the female footie-fanciers market. The current squad is already over-endowed with ‘dishy’ and conventionally handsome types such as James ‘ivory chompers’ Tomkins and Dan ‘Boy-band’ Potts, but the Hammers lack a natural product for those ladies with less obvious tastes, and it is thought that Rooney could fit perfectly into that role.


Either way, Rooney’s limited command of French and reported dislike of snails and other stomach-turning Frog Cuisine represent almost unassailable barriers to any move to Paris St Germain. Given the apparent inevitability of a move to East London, the Hammers are said to be already redesigning their tactical formation to include a massive ‘hole’ behind Andy Carroll for Rooney to fit into.


Saturday 13 July 2013

Bournemouth Bow to Bubbles Brilliance: Cherries 0-2 West Ham

Old Academy Team-mates
Just as the Cork City game brought old mates Carl ‘The Dav’ Davenport together with Sam Allardyce, Boreham Wood reunited West Ham’s young starlet Pelly Ruddock with his old employers, and so Bournemouth provided the stage for former Hammer Steven Purches to bring together the two main footballing homes of his career for a testimonial in the stunning July sun. For Hammers fans, a number of shared issues – Harry Redknapp’s periods as both player and then manager,  and who could forget Jermain Defoe’s remarkable loan period at Bournemouth before he broke in to the first team at West Ham

                                                               No, NOT AC Milan!
And so another chance to look at the side – bearing in mind that Bournemouth are not quite the minnows of old, with championship status and a big season ahead under Eddie Howe. Happily, there were many positives to digest;  Some nice flowing football from the Bubbles boys with Rasvan Rat looking increasingly comfortable at left back. Kevin Nolan again popping up with a goal and always looking likely to do something useful. Modi Maiga lively and again unlucky not to score as the inside of the post dnied a decent second-half effort. Joey O’Brien returned for his first appearance since last year and of course, the match provided a first chance to view the new away kit in active duty. Personally, I’m a sky blue with double claret chest lineage fan – the all-white alternative seems so much less elegant!
                                                                 Modi - Unlucky (again)
Back to the football, solid performance, Joe Cole looks close to his best again and the returning Momo Diame looked good when he came on mid-way through the second half. It was nice to see a Collison goal and another clean sheet. The on-trial Dutch midfield veteran Orlando Engelaar – at 6ft 5Inches brought Papa Bouba Diop to mind but there was limited chance to get a good look at him. Good to see Elliot Ward again – a youngster who has not quite lived up to the Billy VBonds billing the VeryWestHam crew gave him some years back when he first emerged.
                                                                               Then and now
Oh, and not to forget to mention that the fans were treated to a rare viewing of ‘Sicknote’ himself, none other than Darren Anderton – a real talent who’s career was sadly blighted by injury. Perhaps a lesson there Lads, enjoy it while you can, as all it takes is one stupid tackleand it’s over. It’s good to see the FA finally getting their fingers out with an amaendment that means they can intervene after the event where referees miss serious nonsense on the pitch. Whatever next, use of video technology for crucial decisions such as Hursty goal-line conundra?

                                                                       No excuse accepted.

Friday 12 July 2013

Uvavu for Lukaku, Downing and Montero?...... Eranu for Zapata?

Word on the street is that the special one has decided to give Romelu Lukaku his chance at Chelsea and therefore the chances of the Hammers pulling across London on loan have faded.
Meanwhile, the Columbian starlet Duvan Zapata is reported to be on the verge of joining the Londoners. Speaking in Cork last weekend, Big Sam revealed that the work permit issue was a possible stumbling block. At 6ft 2, Zapat’s physical presence would make for an interesting understudy to Andy Carroll.
Otherwise, the Stuart Downing trail has also gone quiet as have rumours regarding the approach for the Ecuadorian Jefferson Montero as it appears that an out and out striker is the main outstanding requirement for the squad.

Double signing looms as Hammers swoop for offensive pairing

Although Big Sam has been putting it about that he is only seeking one further squad addition this Summer, sources inside the Boleyn have revealed that the Hammers are in fact looking at bringing in a pair of new signings with the expectation that they might form a complementary pairing rather like the McAvennie-Cottee couplet of the mid-eighties.

                                                                      Are you Ludo in disguise?
Last year it was widely reported that the Hammers had expressed a major interest in FC Bordeaux’s Ludovic Sane and word is that with the recent development of footie reincarnation therapy the Senegalese  starlet could be paired with former England International Harry Daft who may now be available. However, experts have expressed concern that after more than a century out of the game he may be a little game rusty and will undoubted find many aspects of the modern game decidedly strange. Apart from the offside rule, back pass regulations and use of multiple substitutions for gamequitters, the almost total eradication of any ‘manly’ contact between players will come as a major surprise to the tough-tackling midfielder of the 1890s.


Always, Big Sam has a plan B which could usurp the all-too-comfortable Reid-Collins-Tomkins centre-back axis by adding the formidable defensive pairing of converted NFL stalwarts Scooter Berry and Johnny Dingle who together can form an incomparable defensive combination that would undoubted seriously affect the composure of opposing players

Thursday 11 July 2013

Boreham Wood 0-3 West Ham: Hammers showcase the new Edson Arantes do Nascimento

Pelly Ruddock in action last night
Another preseason friendly against a minnow and another comprehensive victory. This time it was a return to non-league Boreham Wood from whom the Hammer’s picked up young prospect Pelly Ruddock, who duly led the team out for the match and put in a decent 45 minutes shift beside Winston Reid at Centre back. No prizes for guessing what his nickname must be!  Perhaps more importantly, a clean sheet with no injuries and the Hammers move on.

A few other  developments – Ravel Morrison is becoming an attacking force having scored twice in two 45 minute stints so far this preseason, Razvan Rat fancies  himself from long range and wqas willing to have a pop from considerable distance (although his career scoring record suggests that this scoring prowess would be a new development with approximately one goal every 50 games ), No Titus Bumble tonight – so maybe that’s the end of that illogical saga, and Ricky Vaz Te still knows where the net is. Otherwise, Matt Jarvis had a lively second half and Captain Kevin Nolan continued as usual by slotting the final goal for a decisive 3-0 win.

Teamsheet: Adrian (Jaaskelainen 46), Demel (Spence 46), Ruddock (Tomkins 46), Reid (Collins 46),  Rat (Potts 46), Noble (Diarra 46), Collison (Nolan 46), Taylor (Jarvis 46), Vaz Te (Cole 46),  McCallum (Maiga 46), Morrison (Whitehead 46).

So it’s off to Bournemouth for Saturday’s match.

Wednesday 10 July 2013

Mystic McFlatulence reveals the bald truth about current Hammers predicament

West Ham’s alleged pursuit of John Joe Shelvey is set to escalate after Big Sam’s recent consultation with famous East end mystic Myrtle Mcflatulence. In her analysis of the current squad, the ace crystal ball reader identified one key weakness as the lack of a naturally-bald attacking option. Or to put it more baldly, the departure of Carlton Cole has left the squad very thin up front in thin-up-top types.

Jeez Shelvey, Get your kit back on!

Gone are the glory days of the 1970s when Jimmy Greaves and the legendary Bryan ‘Pop’ Robson led the line without fear of misjudging a cross due to a nuisance strand of hair getting in their eyes. Since the retirement of Paulo Di Canio, followed by the cruel loss of Dean Ashton, the Hammers have struggled to recruit top quality offensive baldies, who are now officially an endangered species after the follicular antics of Wayne Rooney who with the stunning success of his transplant has   paved the way for others to desert the baldy ranks.

Commentators have lamented that there is little point in looking to the Hammers legendary yoof academy as decent baldies generally take years to mature. While the recent return of Joe Cole has reduced the pressure upon shampoo supplies at the Boleyn, he is clearly not a natural striker and far from a fully committed baldy. It seems that clubs like West Ham, with their relatively limited resources, must rely on past-it or journeymen baldies like Freddie Ljungberg or  ‘Marvellous’ Marlon Harewood in order to fill the ranks.

                                                           A half-arsed beardy and an uncommitted baldy
On the relative strengths side of things, McFlatulence has highlighted the absence of any weirdy-beardies in the squad as a definite plus. Hammers faithful (and indeed Goldie himself) may well point to the bearded brilliance of Bonds, Lampard Senior and Graham Paddon, but equally the disastrous Matthew Upson bearded phase coupled with the mediocrity of Geoff Pike would suggest that a whiskerless squad is preferable.
                                                                          The real reason Gaz O'Neil departed
Either way, McFlatulence has urged the Hammer’s board to instruct their medical team to get their finger out and initiate a process of weekly monitoring of follicular endowment.
                                                      One top international striker the Hammers are not trying to sign

Tuesday 9 July 2013

An audience with Allardisi: Verywestham meet the big man to talk tactics

Ok, so lets be clear, it’s fashionable to blame the entire ills of your club on the manager and evil board (as well as the FA and a variety of intergalactic conspiracies involving Manchester United, Sheffield United and the Zorgians). In all honesty, although this is pretty lazy logic, it usuallty rings true as there are few areas of endeavour that are as blighted by the incompetence of enthusiastic amateurs. For ‘family club’ one can usually read ‘bumbling myopia with limited business acumen’.

Best mates
However, at camp Boleyn these days Hammers fans are having to find easier dogs to kick as everywhere you look there is a sense of professionalism – right from the careful planning of match tactics, patient building of a sustainable business model and playing squad, determined progression towards a larger theatre to both spread the love and gather enough income to finally put an end to our status as a feeding club for bigger clubs with perennial European responsibilities.

So, with all that in mind, off we headed to meet Big Sam for dinner at the Silver Springs hosted by Cork City FC. First up, Corkonians are known for not holding back on the carping if circumstances so permit – but right throughout the club and city folk were singing the praises of the visiting Hammers contingent for their professionalism, availability and plain good manners. Having encountered the Davids in public it isn’t hard to see how they infuse their organisation with a sense of responsibility towards their supporting constituency. Meeting Big Sam leaves one in no doubt that he also expects his lads to conduct themselves in a manner commensurate with their status.

In Ireland we are privileged to have a sports media that operates with no small amount of straight talking. Compare Giles, Brady and Dunphy with their equivalents on match of the day or even Sky sports. We encourage true opinion, even if it is provocative, and expect our sports people to roll with the punches. It was a real surprise to note how candid Allardyce is – politically astute but pretty direct all the same and he didn’t mince his words when asked for an opinion.

                                                             Eamon gets ready for another Premiership analysis

First up, Sam ain’t no Northerner – actually he hails for the West Midlands and is from Scottish stock. He supported Wolves as a boy (nobody felt inclined to salt up the wounds of recent troubles at the Wanderers who face third division footie next year). He retains a special relationship with Bolton but is enjoying his time in London. Operationally, he speaks on a daily basis with the board and it’s pretty clear how the responsibilities of business and football are divided!
Big Sam really goes for the ‘science’ around football and can readily cite yards covered, crosses made, saves etc etc as evidence for the Allardyce methodology. Hammers fans will be delighted to hear that with 6-8 more goals and a similar defensive record we can crack the top eight next year. All possible if Andy Carroll gets the 15 goals that Big Sam expects from him next year – and on the evidence of last season, if he stays fit why not?

He recalled his time in Ireland with great fondness, describing the crazy chaos of managing a club that financially stumbled from week to week after the club bar (and it’s principal source of income) was lost in a fire. Driving around Limerick with Fr Joe Young collecting in order to keep the team afloat was surely a hairy experience at times but Sam was keen to see it through until they were promoted before leaving for ‘different’ footballing challenges.
Perhaps the most challenging question for Big Sam came from Verywestham’s youngest pundit – Rory Meagher (aged 10) who was keen to hear how Big Sam will develop his team around young Dan Potts ever improving talents? Sam responded by explaining how Dan has overcome childhood leukemia but still warrants a bit of minding that Winston Reid, amongst others, is especially equipped to provide.

                                                                    Dan with his Number 1 Fan

As for Big Sam’s aspirations over the coming years – at 58 he has a few good years left and is keen to spend them progressing the project that he took on with West Ham – it sounded like he considers this a bigger opportunity than any possible temptation from other jobs that might be offered to him – even England manager!!! At least Mark Noble would have a decent chance of getting the well overdue call up to International duty. Either way, it’s clear that Allardyce sees bringing this club to the Olympic stadium as the major challenge for him over the next few years – we wish him every success – and from the Verywestham crew, Sam you’re a true gentleman!

Cork game provides showcase for Newbies (and Titus Bramble?!?)

Although 6-2 sounds impressive, we need to recognise that it's just par for the course against a League of Ireland side who used the opportunity to give a host of their under 19s a run against Premiership opposition. However, the game was wholly entertaining and there were good opportunities to run the rule over  some of our squad summer additions.

First up, Razvan Rat looked solid at left back. Nothing too adventurous but steady. On the less positive side, Cork City’s second goal resulted from a cross from a dribble down his wing where he was beaten for pace. Hmmm. Hard to know if there’s much to distinguish him from Georgie McCartney or Joey O’Brien. 88 international caps suggest that he is reliable and with Jarvis penetrative abilities maybe we just need a solid presence to cover that wing. Hmmm.
The new goalie, Adrian, looked a bit nervy and had a bobbly back pass to deal with that almost went pear shaped before dribbling out for a corner..... And then there was the second goal from Cork City…..a keeper’s ball in my book as it came across his six yard box from the right wing. Hmmm.

Danny Whitehead looked lively and was a good physical presence during the second half as well as combining nicely with Paul McCallum for the fourth Hammer’s goal.

Let’s face it Alou Diarra and Ravel Morrison probably count as squad additions given their limited presences for last years campaigns and both looked committed and lively, and for each a goal to round off successful returns to the Hammer’s set up.  As always, Modi Maiga looked lively and could have had a brace with a little better fortune. It's hard to know what comes next for's hard to judge a player who still has not had a decent chance in the first team.
Finally, it has been widely reported how Titus Bramble is currently out of contract and training with the West Ham squad. Is this a trial – his presence on the trip would certainly suggest so? If so, Titus lived up to his billing – looking sluggish and for this observer brought Gary Breen to mind……and a host of players who have been awarded status in the Allen McNightmare Hammer Hall of Horror. A Perhaps dropping down a division to return to Ipswich would be a good outcome for all concerned?

Roving Ravel Revels against Rebel Rivals

The second half of West Ham’s first pre-season friendly versus Cork City on Sunday saw Ravel Morrison return to the claret and blue. In the pre-match build up he looked chilled around the squad and once on the field proceeded to buzz around linking defence and attack and probing for openings. Sure, the opposition was a little limited, but along with Mark Noble he bossed midfield and the two seemed to have a good understanding. In addition, he showed plenty of steel when put under pressure, and regained possession for the Hammers on numerous occasions by virtue of some energetic tracking back.
How super-brilliant do you want me to be?

It was also great to see him rewarded with a cooly-taken goal as the rampant Hammers notched up six. His time with Birmingham City has provided a valuable opportunity to continue his development and hopefully a stabilising period for a young man who has been described as enigmatic. However, with the current midfield options available to the Hammers, it will be more than hard getting first team football this year as he is, at best, sixth in the pecking order and it was hard not to notice how the other Hammers ‘rogue’, Alou Diarra was also excellent during his first half shift and also looked much at ease back in the Hammers squad. With the Diame situation far from resolved, who knows what openings may arise in the midfield between now and the season’s start.

Saturday 6 July 2013

Rebels join the Hammers for a feast of footie!

As the city of Cork braces itself for the big match versus the visiting Premiership big boys of West Ham United, older footie fans will recall when the Hammers were heavily populated by Corkonians. During the early 1950s Cork produced a fine crop of top class players and the East London club were only too pleased snap up the talent from the Rebel  county.

The 1952/3 season saw the Cork contingent reach a peak with no less than four first team players at the Boleyn hailing from Cork! Noel Cantwell was establishing himself as a full back, Tommy Moroney and Frank O’Farrell patrolled the midfield, while Fred Kearns led the attacking line. In addition to these rebellious Hammers, Dubliner Danny McGowan also pitched in -  any  more and they might as well have moved the club’s base  to Ireland! One can only imagine how the musical Cork accents cut through the air at Upton Park as these teammates looked out for eachother.

Frank relaxes with a read of his favourite Hammers fanzine

Sadly, Only Frank O’Farrell is still with us and currently the oldest Hammer alive at 85 years.  No doubt all will be remembered at the pre-match banquet at the Silver springs tonight – see you there boy!

Friday 5 July 2013

West Ham forced to withdraw and recall new kit

In a dramatic effort to stem the chaos that has followed  the recent release of West Ham’s new strip, the club have been forced to withdraw the kit from general sale and recall all items so far purchased due to health and safety concerns.

In the brief period since the strip was put on general release, a flood of dads and other middle-aged past-it tossers have sustained serious back and other ‘I think I’ve done myself a mischief’ type- injuries whilst attempting all sorts of unfeasible footie acrobatics and similar antics aping the team of ’86 on whose kit the new jersey is modelled.

                                                                        What a goal!
Dr Adrian Shagbottom, consultant in accident and emergency medicine at Basildon University Hospital has revealed how their casualty has been filled to the gills with a variety of foolish orthopaedic injuries sustained whilst wearing these new jerseys. In one particularly tragic case, a man from Laindon managed to amputate his right foot whilst attempting a Ray ‘Tonka’ Stewart type tackle on the family lawnmower.

                                                                       Don't try this at home!

As if these tragic developments were not enough to warrant a total recall of the new attire, it has also emerged that other Hammers fans have sustained severe psychological trauma whilst wearing the new top in public places. The jersey is so attractive that it has proven irresistible to the predatory females who stalk the 21st century. Arthur Winkleweird, a fork lift driver from Pitsea, developed severe tinnitus as a result of persistent wolfwhistling after attempting to do the weekly grocery shopping adorned in the kit.

                                                               Total Babe magnet!

Other fans have made the mistake of wearing the kit out socially and had their niteclub experience ruined by sexual intimidation from steamed up disco-babes. One such victim, Bob Wigglewand explained “the harassment from females was so intense that I couldn’t focus on the music or even enjoy my glass of lager shandy – it ruined my night completely”.

Top psychobabbleologists have warned about the particularly dangerous combination of the new jersey with Frank McAvennie-style blond highlights which it is feared could result in serious crush injuries caused by a stampede of admirers trying to fondle and caress unsuspecting Hammers fans.

                                                                       Dangerously shagtastic!
The strip recall will remind footie fans of similar kit disasters in the past, especially the amusing Man United ‘grey’ kit that was immediately withdrawn after a humiliating defeat during it first airing against Southampton in the 1990s. Similarly, Republic of Ireland fans will feel the sting of old wound relating to their Fluorescent orange strip disaster against Macedonia from the same period. Both of these kits are now much sought after collectors items, offering some hope that the two-Davids might recoup some of their outlay on the new apparel.


                                                  The ref gives his verdict on the ill-fated kit

Meanwhile, as Hammers fans descend upon Cork, Munsters second city, Dr Max Intertrigo, chief physician at one of the City's biggest STD clinics, has visiting fans to be careful how they use the new strip especially around the gorgeous Cork girls that await.

                                                                                 Hello boys!

In a statement issued earlier today the FA moved to calm the frenzy but also highlighted how this latest debacle emphasises the many dangers of releasing kits that are simply too cool.

Thursday 4 July 2013

West Ham's USA XI: Wham Bam Thankyou Uncle Sam!!!

July 4th...Hot dogs, Apple Pie, and the only day of the year you would even vaguely consider drinking Budweiser....yeauchhhhh!

But also a day for Hammers faithful to consider the American contribution to the cause over the years....and so, the Hammers USA XI featuring Yanks who have turned out in the famous claret and blue of East London's finest.

Gathering a team was surprisingly tough, witht he vintage of the players testifying to the relative immobility of soccer stars in the past, contrasting with the modern trend to take players on loan for trial periods with the prospect, often quite distant, of getting a chance to show their skills in the highly glamorous (and lucrative) Premiership.

Ian Feuer endured two seasons as understudy to the irreplaceable Ludo Miklosko before heading down the divisions for first team football anf then home before making a triumphant return to the Hammers with three appearances in 2000!

In the defence, some 'dodgy' Americans include father and Son combo Steve and Dan Potts. One wonders how the US national side never capped Steve who was one of the most consistent Hammers performers of all time. Young Dan has a single US under 20s appearance but has since switched loyalties to England.

George John had a two month stint at the Boleyn in Jan 2012 but didn't quite make the first team despite scoring on his debut for the reserves! He then returned to FC Dallas.

Bobby Moore may have 106 England caps, but that didn't stop him joining Pele on the Team USA side for the 1976 Bicentennial cup in matches versus Brazil, Italy and even England!

John Harkes was a fantastic capture for the Hammers on loan for the 1995-6 season whilst the MLS was off duty.

Osvaldo Alonso and Graham Zusi are top quality MLS players who had trial periods at the Hammers last year and remain on the Bubbles radar.

Perhaps our greatest 'true' American was Jonathan Spector was a loyal servant for five seasons and over a 100 games at the Boleyn before heading for Birmingham City. Who can forget the brace against Man United in the 4-0 league cup thrashing of November 2010!

Up front, Ade Coker featured for the Hammers between 1971 and 1975 but found it hard to break into a star-studded Hammers first team (remember only one substitute per game back then!). Despite a scoring debut, he managed only 11 appearances before heading stateside where he enjoyed a further 14 years of active competition.

recent recruit to the Hammers academy is Sebastian Lletget, who notched up 23 development squad appearances last year and five inactive bench selections for the first's hoping!

With the growing popularity of soccer in the USA along with West Ham's increasing North American scouting presence, we can surely expect many more American Hammers in the coming years. Hell we've even made the simpsons!

Whatever next???