Monday, 25 April 2016

It's Tevez Time as Hammers Push for Champions League Glory!!!

Nothing Can Stop us, probably...

With four games remaining Hammers fans are cursing a series of poor refereeing decisions that have sabotaged their charge for Champions league qualification.

>Robbed against Chelsea by a last minute incorrect penalty award!

>Robbed against Palace by a harsh red card that was subsequently rescinded!!

>Robbed against Arsenal by a series of poor offside calls!!!

>Robbed against Leicester by an incorrect penalty award in the last seconds!!!!

But we can still do it, and here's how;

1. We need to win all of our remaining games to accrue 68 points.

2. That will automatically place us above Man United as we will have to beat them in the final game at Upton Park.

3. We then require EITHER Man City or Arsenal to mess up in their final three games.

4. Given that both the Gooners and Man City have vastly superior goal differences to us, they would need to get no more than 3 points in their remaining games.

5. Arsenal have Norwich at home up next. The Canaries are 10/1 BUT are fighting for their lives - a scenario that often unsettles the volatile Gooners. Their final game is against 'nothing to lose' between they face Man City.

6. Man City look less likely to stumble as they are on a swashbuckling run with Aguero at his best again. Away to Southampton will be tough and then after Arsenal they are away to Swansea where it's hard to see anything but a thrashing!

The margins are tight BUT remember 2007 with ten games to go we were written off. Time to recapture that Tevez spirit!!!

Are you listening, Dimitri?

Sunday, 17 April 2016

How West Ham Can Defeat Leicester City...

It's a measure of how impressive the Foxes record is this season (only 3 defeats and only one at home), as well as the tactical masterclass that Claudio Ranieri demonstrated in his two victories over Slaven Bilic's side this season, that the Hammers are 6-1 against to emerge from the KingPower stadium with a win today!

However, apart from Man Utd whom the Hammers have yet to play at Upton Park, Bilic has toppled all the Premiership big guns this season. The midweek FA cup effort may play a part in terms of fatigue, but it highlighted the need to push Michail Antonio further forward to allow for his forthright, often unpredictable and aggressive style to shake up that solid mass that forms the Foxes defence. The news that Winston Reid should be fit can allow for either Tomkins or Byram to assume right back responsibilities.

In midfield, Leicester are energetic but do allow the opposition heaps of possession. With Payet and Lanzini about this could well have consequences as they are more than capable of the spectacular and can create chances with minimal opportunity.

Up front, the Foxes defend deep and rely on the aerial prowess of Huth and Morgan. This is usually very effective but if there is a striker who can unsettle that trend it has to be Andy Carroll. If Payet et al have enough decent possession to put quality balls in, Andy will be loving the opportunity to enhance his 'unplayable' tag. However, note the words 'decent' and 'quality'...most sides have failed to get these against the Foxes this year!

But, if course, Leicester are sharp up front. Winston Reid's pace will be crucial against Vardy.eanwhile, Leicester's other big hoal scoring threat in Riyadh Mahrez is somewhat quieter of late.

But perhaps the most exciting prospect will be the Koutate vs Kante and Noble vs Drinkwater battles in the middle of the park. Maybe Bilic will try and swing midfield our way by replacing Valencia with Obiang or Song?

Either way, the Hammers desperately need a win to revive their European hopes, and deserve some luck after the refereeing misfortunes of their last three Premiership games. Even for the objective neutral, 6 to 1 against are attractive odds, surely?

West Ham's Cup run Thwarted by Magnets and Witchcraft

Now that the dust has settled on Wednesday's disappointing FA cup exit, Hammers fans can cooly reflect upon proceedings.

The general consensus is that we underperformed. After a good first 15 minutes, we lost our way, especially in midfield where our lack of pace up front allowed the Manc defence to push up to compress the space that Payet and Lanzini thrive upon. Diafra, please get 'well' soon!

As such, it was not until the final quarter when Man U retreated that we created chances - and boy, there were plenty! As the stars reveal we ultimately created twice as many shooting chances as the Devils with a whopping 9 shots on target!!! On a wider note, under Bilic we always have hope - even at 2 goals down with 15 minutes left!

But it was that man De Gea who prevailed with a series of stunning saves shown in the figure above. For me, the save with his foot from a close range shot from Michail Antonio was suspiciously spectacular and undoubtedly must raise the unsavoury issue of 'magnet abuse' in Premiership football.

The good news is that our science department at VERYWESTHAM are looking into this matter and expect to locate where LVG placed the magnets before the semi-final with Everton.

Unfortunately, even if they are successful and Man Utd are ejected from the competition, our Religion and Witchcraft department still have no idea which Voodoo God Romelu Lukaku is using to persecute our team.

Monday, 11 April 2016

Oooooarrrrgh...We've got a Donnybrook!!!

Tonight's U21 clash between West Ham and Aston Villa took an unexpected turn when a mass brawl broke out in the final minute of play. Villa Park bore witness to awful scenes of extreme hand-bagging as players on both sides took to a push n shove routine after Villa captain Kevin Toner let fly with two consecutive 'robust' challenges that left the Hammers youngsters fuming!

George Dobson's efforts to remonstrate most strongly with Mr Toner were substantially enhanced by a powerful shove from behind from a Villa player who had decided to join the fracas and lost his footing just at the point of entry into the melee.

Lucky Pierre! Dobson get's a cuddle sandwich from two Villains
The incident dragged on for a full 3 minutes before play resumed. Toner was red-carded. Nobody (including multi-million valuable asset Reece Oxford) was physically injured but no doubt some feelings were hurt. Villa won 3-2.

The FA will probably launch a major enquiry into the Donnybrook, so-named after the posh modern day suburb of Dublin where in the 19th century a feisty fair was held annually which often descended into proper violence, quite dissimilar from the scenes witnessed this evening.

Sunday, 10 April 2016

Sakho Situation Escalating

After a no-show at a meet the public session in midweek that raised eyebrows, Diafra Sakho was omitted from yesterday's match squad amid further rumours of unrest and a training ground spat.

Sakho then took to late night instagramming to reveal his level of distress. Meanwhile, in his post match interview,  Slaven Bilic dismissed the matter as a selection issue, albeit in an unusually unconvincing manner.

Andy Carroll duly stepped up with a syorming performance as he humiliated a hapless Arsenal defence, netting a hat trick in the process and, no doubt, adding to Sakho's sense of isolation.

The lad is a real talent that cannot be replaced in out current squad. Despite his volatility, one suspects he will receive a fatherly arm on the shoulder rather than an Amalfitano freeze-out from Bilic.

Fingers crossed.

Wednesday, 6 April 2016

They seek him here, they seek him there...

Phew!!! C&H Had us on red alert last night after star striker Disfra Sakho failed to appear for a crucial in store visit in Romford. Fans feared another arrest or dodgy driving debacle but were reassured to be informed today that he was merely attending for a routine medical chack up and will be available to torture Arsenal's shaky back line at the weekend.

Strange though that the wires about his schedule could be so seriously crossed. Quite strange altogether...

Tuesday, 5 April 2016

Clattenspanner Plays Anudder Blind....errrr

Welcome home........

Isn't that just great....Kouyate's red has been rescinded....brilliant, but what about the missing two points? Clattenburg is clearly trying to steal the show prior to the upcoming Euros, but he needs to be reigned in by the FA.

With three overturned red cards this season West ham have every reason to feel aggrieved. These are the decisions that make all the difference between Champion's League and the Ropey League qualification.

Clattenburg is a liability - part of the new breed of attention demanding referees who are only too delighted to make the outcome of games all about their foibles rather than the on-field endeavours of the teams.

Nonetheless, Kouyate will be an asset against the Arse.


Wheel of Fortune to Favour West Ham in the Run in

They say that luck balances out over the season. That might be a bit hard for Hammers fans to appreciate after two successive matches where refereeing howlers have cost them vital points in their gallant chase for a Champion's League spot.

The good news is that as the club that is marooned at the bottom of the Premiership close calls decision table - a count of how well lady lack has treated sides with tight decisions during the season - the Hammers can expect all sorts of outrageously good fortune between now and season's end as they have a full nine decision-deficit to catch up on!!!!

For starters, we can expect three penalties as they have the lowest penalty-awarded count in the league with just one so far compared with the four that have been given against us!!!

Also, red card decisions have really gone against us such that our players should get a spcial immunity from further caution until season's end.

That won't be much use to Cheikhou Kouyate who looks destined to miss the next three crucial clashes. Time for Pedro Obiang and Alex Song to find their best form or else the Champion's League will have to wait.

Sunday, 3 April 2016

Hammers Cheated by Twelve Foot Tall Lizard Master-race

At this time of the season the real action kicks in as the big clubs impose their status upon the league in an effort to maintain the power status quo. Not surprisingly, this is a time when the conspiracy theorists also get busy highlighting how matches are manipulated to serve the needs of the big clubs.

And so 'little' West Ham find themselves embroiled in controversy as for two weeks running they have been denied victories by outlandish refereeing decisions! After the sickening disappointment of last weekend's Loftus-Cheat penalty decision at Stamford bridge, Upton Park provided the venue for the latest manipulation where Midfield dynamo Cheikhou Kouyate was dismissed for 'playing with obvious intent of getting a result' with the additional charge of 'tackling an opponent using physical force'.

All of which raises the important question: how high does the level of conspiracy go? With the current rate of ascension, the only answer for West Ham is the very top and for that we can only look to one place - the infamous Bilderberg Group! Formed in 1954, this elitist group comprises Royalty, senior politicians and leaders of the business world who meet in secret each year to plot the future of our planet. Their secrecy has provoked considerable paranoia with some observers even suggesting that members are part of an elite race descended from reptilian aliens!!!

All of which points to the frightening reality that Clattenburg and Bilderberg  are essentially the same name, apart from their initial syllables. Just saying like...and let's face it, is there a more plausible explanation for MC's decision yesterday???