Friday 30 November 2012

Man United 1-0 West Ham: Fergie’s Filibuster cannot hide Sham United’s fumbling fluke

And so it was that the Devils of Manchester emerged as narrow victors at Old Trafford due to a bizarre early pinball machine incident whereby magnets were possibly employed to force the ricocheting ball to spin bizarrely into the Hammers net after a mere 34 seconds of play!!!  Subsequently, the unlucky Hammers slumped to a second consecutive defeat but remained unbowed and almost stole a deserved point in the final ten minutes.

Hammers Chief ringmaster David Gold has insisted that the Club need some new recruits to cleanup their soiled image after the ugly scenes at Tottenham. Rumours abound that this new hygienic philosophy could translate into much activity in the January Transfer window. Hammers could make a unexpected and bold® bid for The Devils top striker Robing Von Persil. Alternatively, Ariel® Robben is said to be unsettled at Bayern Munich while Fabreeze® Muamba may yet sufficiently recover to allow for a Premiership return.  Either way, Hammers Chief David Gold has indicated that an immediate response is needed to prevent the slide into the squalor of the lower reaches of the Premier league and that they simply cannot wait for the return of Ricardo Daz® te.
Andy Carroll's favourite detergent
The increasingly sanitised Premier League product reflects the push towards expansion of footie into the bored housewives constituency which will ultimately see the more pointless fixtures between for example Reading and Wigan or Norwich and QPR televised live after lunch on Tuesday afternoons

                                          The mastermind behind Tuesday afternoon footie

Hammers new director of football, Bobby Fischer, was unable to attend the match due to concerns about general surveillance levels around the stadium and probable genetic modification of the Old Trafford turf. None the less, he has repeated his call for a change to footballs paralysed format, akin to his concept of ‘random chess’ where players could be randomly allocated positions rather than forced to play in particular roles. Who knows how effective Carlton Cole might be at Centre back or Jussi Jaaskelainen as striker?

Meanwhile, the issue of Carlton Coles goalscoring prowess again emerged as ‘Killer’ Cole spurned an 88th minute chance at an equaliser. This was thought to be because the opportunity was deemed by the deadly striker to be too simple to warrant inclusion in his ‘quality not quantity’ goalscoring museum.
                                                          Pride of the collection


Wednesday 28 November 2012

Man Utd vs West Ham: Heroic Hammers to topple effing effigy

Only a matter of time...
Only a matter of days after it was unveiled, the statue of Alex Ferguson at Old Trafford is already facing the threat of being toppled by marauding forces as those rampaging rebels of West Ham come on a mission to plunder, rape and pillage all they encounter.

Chief rebel commander Roy Keane, who was unable to attend the unveiling ceremony due to bedroom tidying commitments, has blasted the slithering sycophants who attended the gathering and is rumoured to have commissioned Big Sam’s men to bring the statue to his rebel base so that he can personally express his deep affection for Sir Alex’s image.

The normally placid former playmaker has labelled the figure a symbol of oppression and  commissioned a replacement statue in the image of his canine pal ‘Triggs’

Meanwhile, in training earlier this week the Hammers have been focusing upon how best that they can sabotage the Man United machine. Club doctors have identified a novel means of achieving immunity from the descending red mist that frequently overwhelms visiting sides

Other sources have suggested that there is little point to wearing this headgear unless they can also persuade the match officials to also don the protective masks in an effort to maintain impartiality from the noxious and manipulative Old Trafford fumes. Mark Noble’s absence due to suspension is unlikely to pose a problem in relation to his penalty taking duties as statistics indicate that the Hammers have little hope of gaining a fair hearing, with biased offside and penalty calls a gambling certainty.

Meanwhile, Hammers chief tyrant, David Gold added further fuel to the fire by announcing that he is considering reforming the glamorous Hammerettes troupe if his boys can come away with a result. With that incentive, surely there can only be one outcome!

Tuesday 27 November 2012

Spurs 3-1 West ham: Naïve Spurs fall for Queen Sacrifice in ‘game of the century’

Hammers new director of football

Sunday’s clash at White Hart Lane between West Ham and Spurs brought together the contrasting worlds of Football and Chess. Chess afficionados will be  all too familiar with the so-called ‘game of the century’ where a seemingly overwhelmed young Bobby Fischer sacrificed his queen early on in order to assume a board position that would ultimately overpower the helpless US champion of the time and Grandmaster Donald Byrne.
                                                     Big Sam's match notes from WHL

In a game which was scarily reminiscent of that chess match, west ham conceded three goals at White Hart Lane before moving to a stunning endgame where the rampant Andy Carroll scored a brilliant clincher. Under new UEFA rules, that crucial away goal will count as quadruple rendering the hapless Hotspurs 4-3 losers on aggregate.  

                                                   Spurs capitulate to Andy's endgame

Spur’s collapse in the final quarter comes as the latest setback for the ailing club who managed to lose both Luca Modric and Rafael van der Vaart whilst on Summer holiday and have resorted to a cynical ruse involving Tom Huddlestone and Raniere Sandro as lookalikes for the missing pair.

                                                                  Master of disguise

The game statistics also reveal a worrying trend for Spurs fans that despite enjoying 65% of possession, they came out technical losers and also failed to convert this territorial dominance into crucial throw ins. These persistent problems leave Spurs boss, AVB with much to ponder in his efforts to live up to his billing as an understudy to that former Chelsea managerial powerhouse, Avram Grant.

                                                    AG celebrates another Queen sacrifice


Saturday 24 November 2012

Spurs vs West Ham Preview: Awayday at the squadstealers - effluent not affluent…

North London crisis counselling services are on red alert in the lead up to tomorrow’s main Premiership encounter between neighbouring Londoners Tottie Hots Purrs and the Sensational Bubbles boys. With squatters rights at the Olympic Stadium on offer to the winners, this tie is likely to be fought to the death and only a foolish fool would bet against Sam’s gritty Hammers.

Here come the Hammers from Hell

In slightly worrying developments for the Hammers, Wantaway striker Emmanuel  Iveanotherbuyer is looking to impress as he seeks to find another  club to invest in his unusual brand of commitment. Similarly, soontodepart midfielder Gareth Bale may be looking towards joining other Spurs escapees Modric and Van der Vaart and is likely to put in a big performance, although as usual his defensive contribution is likely to be minimal.
                                                         Bale's preferred position

In developments aimed at increasing popularity amongst children, a deal has been completed  with EuroDisney  to assume responsibility for developing the Premiership product. However, this may interfere with AVB’s team plans for the match as new height restrictions may apply on certain rides and could outrule both Jermaine Defoe and Aaron Lennon. Happily, the diminuitive pair have been given the go ahead to watch the game from the childrens enclosure of the ground.

                                                              Those little guys are sooooo cute!

In good news for the Hammers, Danny Dyer has finished filming for his latest movie and can reassume his role as ‘Matt Jarvis’ on the left wing for West Ham.

                                                Note: the African elephant has bigger ears            

In other developments, the true nature of Scott Parkers injury woes has been revealed as a severe case of homesickness for Upton Park. In even more devastating developments for the ex-Hammers Captain, the current Hammers midfield axis of Noble-Nolan-Diame  is said to be so stunningly effective that there is unlikely to be any way back for the former Premiership player of the year.

                                                              Wot am i doing here?

It has also been revealed that  Spurs and Fulham fans have joined forces in a legal bid to force their respective clubs to change their incredibly bland and boring team strips. Both sets of supporters are fed up of their overpriced club attire being mistaken for generic white budget  t-shirts and instead want something much more exotic as a replacement.

Oh and by the way, all would be lawbreakers should beware – the Premiership’s most determined rule enforcer is back – Clatts will be raising the offside flag, hopefully incessantly against the Spurs offense.  


Thursday 22 November 2012

West ham 1-1 Stoke City: Joey ‘the Lips’ clips Potters swagger as Hammers revert to flatulent back four

Monday night witnessed a full house at the Boleyn swinging to the sweet tones of Joey ‘the Lips’ O’Brien after the Dubliner swept the ball home to capture another precious point on the way to European football for the buoyant Hammers. The goal was O’Brien’s first in the Premiership and afforded fans the opportunity to check out his preferred celebration routine. Speaking after the game, O’Brien’s namesake – Joey ‘the Lips’ Fagan revealed “I got me name for me horn playin, O’Brien deserves his for those amazing goal scoring celebrations”.  

In after match comments Joey attributed the extra step in his stride to a bowl of finest Dublin Coddle that his mother prepared for him just before kick off. The delicious meal comprised of boiled sausages and bacon in an oniony broth is said to also be a possible aphrodisiac.

Mrs O’Brien is over doing some pre-Christmas shopping and making herself very useful to the West Ham catering staff by providing them with some nutricious Irish dishes. Momo Diame is said to be addicted to her Boxty pancakes, while exposure to a traditional serving of Bacon and cabbage has finally made Kevin Nolan realise the error of his ways in refusing to play for Ireland. The cabbage has proven a little less popular with Jussi Jaskelainen who has found his berth behind the flatulent back four a malodourous challenge!

Unfortunately for West Ham, Stoke’s Repuberlick of Oireland striker Jonathon Walters also gained access to the performance-enhancing cuisine which contributed in no small amount to his opening strike for the visitors. He celebrated by seizing the opportunity of the visit to London to pop in to Dave’s Family Butchers at East St Market in Walworth after the game to load up with a hamper of delicious  treats from the Emerald Isle.

Ironically, Dave’s is also frequented by Hammer’s boss Sam Allardyce who has been hopelessly addicted toLimerick’s own Nash’s red lemonade since his time manging the League of Ireland outfit in the early 80’s.

Tuesday 20 November 2012

What is our best wing pairing?

There can be no doubting that Big Sam has assembled a vastly stronger squad than that which was promoted last year – for evidence just look at struggling Southampton and Reading who invested minimally during the Summer. While there are still areas that we might benefit from extra cover, there can be little doubt that we have many exciting options on the wings with the possible pairings of any of Jarvis, Taylor, Benayoun, Vaz Te, O’Neil and Collison.

But what is our best starting pairing? Perhaps the best way of sorting this out is to consider the individual merits of each player.  Matt Jarvis has been an exciting signing, tricky and pacey he is both cheeky and penetrating  in the style of former Hammer Matthew Etherington. From an offensive perspective he has formed decent partnerships with both George McCartney and Joey O’Brien. On the down side, his crossing could be more consistent and he is not a natural defender. Ricardo Vaz Te was struggling to find form prior to the shoulder dislocation against Arsenal. Although he has many of the right attributes to make it at this level – pace, a good first touch and is powerful in the air, he needs to develop a little more composure on the ball and his unpredictability can sometimes confuse his own team mates as much as the opposition! Matt Taylor has also had a frustrating time with injuries. Although lacking the pace of Jarvis and Vaz Te, he has considerably more guile in possession and possesses a tasty left foot that provides a useful alternative to Mark Noble for set piece delivery. Yossi Benayoun is clearly loving it back at Fortress Upton and his availability has been a Godsend in view of Vaz Te’s injury. Predictably, he has slotted in seamlessly and brings a crafty cutting edge that others lack. Yossi has never been blessed with blistering pace or deadeye crossing accuracy but recent performances suggest that he has improved his defensive contribution considerably. Gary O’Neil and Jack Collison can also operate effectively on the flanks but will need to be patient if they are to break back in to what is presently an effective and functioning unit.  

So what is the best pairing? Any side with less than pacey full backs will fear facing either Jarvis or Vaz Te, while the former’s ability to make space for crosses will undoubtedly provide opportunites for the aerially dominant Andy Carroll. Vaz Te’s has an ability to bring something ‘different’ that can provide a useful game changer if used as an impact substitute. Where extra defensive cover or a more physical presence is needed on the left then Matt Taylor can provide. Yossi has the ability to unlock defences and has the experience to hold possession where that is a priority.

The verdict? Our view is that Jarvis on the left and Benayoun on the right as started against Man City provides a nice balance of pace, creativity and penetration. Both Matt Taylor and Gary O’Neil can bolster midfield if we want to steady a game (e.g. away against quality opposition). The return of Ricardo Vaz Te and Jack Collison will bring the added option of potentially game-changing impact substitutes. In short, Big Sam has a surplus of high quality options on the flanks.


Sunday 18 November 2012

West Ham vs Stoke Preview: Yikes!!! It’s the invasion of the Orcs!


Monday night footie followers are bracing themselves for the mother of all battles with the heavyweight pairing of the Hirsute Hammers versus the Physical Potters. The Premiership’s two most physically adept sides will be sure to collide with a toe to toe encounter predicted. Special crash barriers have been erected around the pitch sides along with a triple presence of the St John’s ambulance in case of player injury. Thankfully, Stoke supporters rarely travel to away matches as they find that supplies of their usual pukey Pies diet are generally insufficient away from their natural habitat in the potteries.

However, in disappointing news for the Potters, Stoke afficionado and panto celebrity, Julian Clary has revealed that unfortunately Micheal Owen will not be available for selection as he is currently ‘up to his eyes’ in intense rehearsals for the Stoke City Christmas pantomime and is undergoing a costume fitting as little Jack, while the appropriately monikered Peter Crouchmay also be absent as he is much sought after as the loveable but generally incompetent giant.

Happily for the Hammers, former Irish Shot Putt champion Rory Delap is also outhaving been seriously injured during a bizarre training ground accident where his arm detached as he was practising his throw in skills. Unfortunately, Little Charlie Adam is also doubtful for the match as he sustained a nasty eye injury after being struck by the flying limb!

Sadly, this season’s clash will be considerably diminished by the absence of the intensely amusing former Potter Ricardo Fuller who livened up a dull Christmas 2008 fixture at Upton park by getting sent off for striking his own team captain for behaving in what Ricky deemed to be a ‘disrespectful’ way, before inevitably the  Hammers coasted to a 2-1 victory . He thus is part of an elite group of players who have taken to remonstrating in the strongest possible terms with their own teammates.
                                                         I'll have you (team) mate!

Thursday 15 November 2012

Hammers announce new garden furniture range

West Ham United proudly unveiled some exciting additions to their upmarket merchandise range today, including a new garden furniture collection that includes a variety of highly desirable objets d’art and as its premier piece a pair of ‘David gnomes’ – small figurines of the popular club directors that are available for a mere £11.99 each.

The Hammers have decided to branch out into this new area in an effort to generate much needed funds for the proposed purchase of Andy Carroll in the January transfer window. Ironically, Andy is rumoured to be a bit of a greenfingers himself and likes nothing better than a glass of sherry while he relaxes beside his carefully pruned petunias or a quiet evening in watching Alan Titchmarsh DVDs.
In a complementary gesture, West Ham have also started working on a Hammers brand of sherry for those fans who might wish to get a little piddly beside their Davidgnomes. Working names at present  include ‘Claret n Blue’ and, for the alfresco imbiber, ‘Hammered’.

However, Hammers fans have been warned not to overcrowd their gardens with the figurines as it is feared that in quanitities of three of more they may develop tribble-like qualities – a concept that will be familiar to all Star Trek followers and that involves rapid replication of the cute little cuddlies to the point whereby they can become a downright nuisance and even an environmental hazard!

East London Council Health and Safety Department have launched an advertising campaign to raise awareness of the potential risks amongst unsuspecting Hammers fans.
                                                           The di-lithium crystals cannae copw with them Captain

Tuesday 13 November 2012

Newcastle 0-1 West Ham: We’re too sexy for sixth place!

In the afterglow of their triumphant victory at St James’ Park at the weekend, the Happy Hammers have started to make plans for the inevitability of European competition next year. An ecstatic Sam Allardyce revealed that the club plans to launch a twin assault upon Europe in the form of the Europa League as well as a shock entry into the Eurovision. This has provoked a veritable stampede of activity at the Boleyn with a variety of acts emerging who could possibly represent the club at the Eurovision.
James Collins has teamed up with fellow Baldy – Hammer’s legend Julian Dicks and the pair are said to be working along with former Right-Said Fred producers to rework the classic ‘I’m too sexy’ to capture the thrilling pop excitement of the Hammers recent Premiership form.  In other developments. Joey ‘the lips’ O’Brien, who’s second cousin once chauffeured two-times Eurovision winner Johnny Logan,  has threatened to go solo in an effort to break into the Eurovision squad.

Meanwhile, Ricardo Vaz Te has been using his time off injured to work on a side career as a pop artist and has teamed up with Modi Maiga to form a Jedward-esque duo that would be sure to take the Euros by storm! Intriguingly, it has emerged that Maiga was an accomplished chanteuse in his younger days - which clearly ends any further similarity with the tuneless young Irish media starlets.

Yossi Benayoun is said to be delighted to have the opportunity to represent Israel in the competition – an unusual arrangement that has arisen due to ongoing hostilities and bad relationships with the Arab nations. UEFA insiders have revealed that similar plans are being drawn up for Germany who might best compete outside of Europe – with South America one obvious possibility.

Even more unusual is the proposal to form a Proclaimers-like identical twins combo between Matt Jarvis and Hammers  streetwise afficionado, Danny Dyer. The pair, who were probably separated at birth, share an uncanny ability to duck and dive their way through opposing teams and considered to be 'right crafty' if not watched closely. Others have questioned this possibility, highlighting that the pair have never been seen together and fuelling growing rumours that Matt Jarvis is merely an assumed identity by which Dyer has finally realised his dream of playing for his beloved Hammers!

Finally, It seems that Big Sam may even represent the club himself as that this could provide the ideal opportunity to rediscover his career as bassist with eighties pop-punksters Husker Du.

Sunday 11 November 2012

Newcastle vs West Ham Preview: A day in the life of Andy Carroll

Alreet! Hoo’s ya fettle? Andy’s gannin yam, aa is.

[PHEW, relief for the verywestham team as the Interpreter arrives]

Well it’s Sunday morning and we are heading north for the big homecoming of Andy Carroll as the buoyant Hammers (managed by former Toon boss Sam Allardyce) take on a feisty Newcastle side (managed by former hammer’s boss Alan Pardew).

Andy takes over: As we are leaving I only just remember to bring along my lucky scoring boots - I lost them some time back during all the chaos with the Liverpool move – but luckily me mam found them last week amongst some discarded kegs under me bed back home in Newcastle….
Keevan Nolan picks us up at 8ish…It gets a bit noisy cos the silly bugger’s gone and trod on one of the dancing girls from last neet that was crashed on the floor at my pad. Thank Christ for the long journey up – champion chance to catch up on some missed sleep!

                                                             Don't fancy yours!

As we arrive at the ground some home fans have a warm welcome waiting for me. A reet classy Geordie welcome home for the prodigal son done well – I’ve played a stormer while I’ve been away – managing to single-handedly wreck Liverpool’s finances and make a mockery of the new management system at Anfield! Champion stuff!

                                                             Wecome Yam our Andy

In the dressing room big Sam announces the team. Jack Collison bursts into tears at his omission. Joey O’Brien reminds him that he’s unavailable for selection due to injury. Matt Jarvis ribs Matt Taylor over his disappointing FiFA-13 ultimate team player sprint speed ratings. Carlton Cole cheers everyone up with some Killer Cole antics….


The game kicks off: they come at us for the first 20 minutes with the Demba-Papisse-Cisse-Ba doppelganger thing creating havoc for the commentators. Then  we get a free kick and I knock it down for Keevan to slot it home from 3 yards. The stadium’s gawn silent but for the unbridled joy of a few thousand bubbles boys. Champion!

Half time – Me mam has popped in and made us all a cuppa Geordie tea, with ham stotties and sherry trifle as an optional extra.

Out in the stadium some of the fans are finding the harsh weather tough to handle – some of them have been forced to attend matches naked as they have sold all their clothes to pay off Wonga debt. Hopefully they will benefit from the innovative scheme where you can get a free Newcastle shirt with every £5000 of Wonga debt.


Second half kicks off: They come at us but Mark Noble robs it and slips one through for Matt Jarvis who uses his pace to beat their right back and puts one across for me to tap in from 2 yards. Top goal!

Everybody notices how well Noble is playing except Roy Hodgson who is too busy watchin an Arsenal reserves training session in an effort to add to his ABN (‘Anyone But Noble’) list of unknowns to select ahead of Mark in the event of Raheem whatshisname or Jon Jack Shelving getting injured.

With ten minutes left the ironic ‘bring back Titus Bramble’ chants commence – now we know that we’ve won for sure. Big Sam forbids us from scoring a third – too showy…that’d be too ‘old’ West Ham rather than our all new relegation-proof model.

After the game the Bubbles boys head out on the toon with the foolish expectation that all Geordie lasses are as fabulous as our Cheryl. Champion!

                                                            Some Cheryl lookalikes


Friday 9 November 2012

Noble Mark undeterred by Roy’s Widiculous Oversight

Brave Mark Noble vowed to continue to produce the stunning form that he has displayed of late undeterred by England Boss Roy Hodgson’s latest snub ahead of the Autumn International friendlies. It had been widely anticipated that his sensational performances for the recently promoted Hammers would inevitably lead to him adding to his 46 under age International caps with a full England debut but astonishingly, he has been overlooked in favour of the likes of the stunningly average Leon Osman, temperamental Jon Joe Shelvey, almost unheard of Raheen Stirling (???) and the still recovering Jack Wiltshire.
Wicked Woy
The only experienced midfielder in the squad is the ageing and charisma-deficient Stevie Gerrard, now a mere 32 years old and clearly not positioned to lead the England squad into the next World Cup. Noble, on the other hand, is at an ideal age to contribute to a bright and shining future.  
                                                                  32 years young!

So what is it that Hodgson thinks that Mark lacks – last year his loyalty by sticking with the Hammers for a season of Championship football was admirable but acted as an impediment to developing his international career.  However, this year we have seen him operate as ringmaster for the buoyant Hammers – orchestrating the link between defence and attack, delivering set pieces and picking up the rating as the most energetic Premiership performer for Yards covered. Let’s face it, if he hadn’t signed a new contact pretty much every Premiership manager would have been after him. One wonders what it is that he has to do to get into Roy’s plans? It’s hard to imagine that Harry Redknapp would have suffered such an oversight. Luckily for West Ham, Noble is Claret and Blue through and through and seems to get what he needs from club football. For now, he must remain the Cinderella but surely his time must come soon?
                                                                  A fairytale ending awaits
Oh and by the way, his calm penalty taking might be an asset for a side that usually gets eliminated for cracking in the inevitable penalty shoot out.
                                                                          EEEasy for Noble!