Sunday 30 September 2012

Moneybags Mercenaries Planning Premiership Jailbreak: QPR vs West Ham

Hammer’s boss Sam Allardyce has warned QPR not to expect any charity come Monday night’s crunch battle for the relegation-threatened West London millionaires. Along with those other hooped perpetrators at Reading, QPR are locked to the foot of the table and desperately trying to buy their way out of jail.
The QPR squad before the annual 'prison' derby vs Reading FC
Things are so bad at Loftus road that the Gazillionaire owners have flown in a crack squad of sports psychiatrists to try and figure out what is wrong at the club. However, outside observers have suggested that it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realise that QPR lack bite in midfield without the presence of Joey Barton. Top shrink Sigmund Jungenfreud has cracked the source of  Barton’s behaviour as a classic case of overcompensation, revealing “all of this uber-aggression is simply to cover up that he is not as naturally manly as the other boys”.
Joey during his Haircut 100 days

Barton, who may have a lisp, was tracked down in hiding with his new outfit FC Nancy, is said to have lashed out at suggestions that men in France act ‘poncey’.
Back at Loftus road and still languishing bottom of the table after five rounds of the premiership, 'Poor' QPR can’t seem to buy a home goal and have resorted to conceding colossal amounts of goals to visiting sides in order to keep their small but demanding fan base happy that some scoring action is going down. Not surprisingly, pressure is mounting on the QPR frontline with particular attention focused upon expensive French import Djibril Cisse. However, rather than knuckle down to some hard training to focus the mind, the flambuoyant fluffer has chosen to distract from his lack of goals by amusing and titillating fans with increasingly foolish hairstyles.
                                     Cisse modelling Vidal Sasoon’s new "Ridiculeuse" hairstyle range

It is rumoured that the final straw in the bad boy Barton saga for manager Mark Hughes was not in fact his 127 match ban, but actually the result of endless squabbling over priority access to the much-in-demand QPR gym mirror. The arrival of the latest consignment of expensive foreign recruits has put so much pressure on the player grooming service that the club has had to invest in a full self-absorption suite that includes all manner of metrosexual facilities, including a handy pink fluorescing boot service for those ever-so-difficult floodlit evening fixtures.

Unfortunately Robert Green will not be around to greet his old mates from his West Ham days as he is locked in training for the upcoming QPR vs Man City reserves fixture. The club owners have identified the premier league reserve competition as an ideal opportunity to capture their first ever trophy – it is said that this competition is highly regarded by the premiership elite as an opportunity to demonstrate their obscene wealth by fielding sides full of overpaid international stars.
                                    Green soaks up the tense atmosphere at a crunch reserve fixture 

However, Hammers fans have cause to fear freescoring Boleyn reject Bobby Zamora who has been singlehandedly keeping QPR within sight of the rest of the premier league. Undoubtedly the Z man will be trying to convince Big Sam to give him a return ticket to his beloved West Ham and an escape from the pointless obscurity of life with QPR.
QPR Club legend and sports physiology guru, Stan Bowles, revealed his thoughts before Monday nights battle ” the lads are in tip-top shape – what they really need is a good night on the town to help them relax before the big game…”

                                                Stan demonstrates the perfect pre-match prep

Thursday 27 September 2012

Omnipotent and Omnipresent: Noble Joins Hammers Royalty

In news just in, it has been announced that Mark Noble has agreed a new 125 year contract with West Ham United. Fans have expressed their delight at what is widely perceived as only ample reward for his many years of commitment involving no small amount of sweat and tears. Hopes are high that this will be followed by the International call up that he richly deserves.

However, some critics have expressed surprise at the length of the contract that has been offered. In response, club sources have revealed their logic “Mark’s agent explained to us that he has Timelord abilities and thus the capacity to represent the Hammers ad infinitum and simultaneously across time. As you might expect we were initially quite sceptical but a search of club records provided conclusive proof of Marks repeated presence at the club over its full history”

Rumours have been circulating for some time that Noble’s commitment to West Ham is so great that he has appeared for the Hammers in a number of previous incarnations. Upon realising the significance of his time travel, the club decided to snap him up on a long-term contract.
Here below, for example, he is with the Cup winners cup winning team – unbelievably back then the young Noble was reimbursed at a mere two shillings and sixpence a year for his pre-Bosman efforts!

And again, here (back row, left), turning out for an early Thames ironworks side – Noble is readily recognised by his trademark nonchalant sideways glance

And here arriving at Wembley with fellow West Ham fans arriving for the 1923 FA Cup final pitch invasion. This incarnation was unusually untalented at soccer and therefore expressed his club devotion by leading the ironically named ‘casuals’

At a press conference earlier today Mark was able to reveal some startling developments in football into the future. As the Captain of our famous future three in a row Eurozone championship team in 2145, he noted “It’s all got so much easier since Man United abandoned football and became a space basketball team”

He also smiled when asked to describe the future fate of Sheffield United – Tragically they never recovered from their multiple relegations after the Tevez affair, especially when an appeal resulted in them having to return the 24 million compensation that they received from West ham. After that they were bought out by fellow whingoids - the Daleks- and used as training fodder for the dalek space rugby league team (Division 3B: Northern section, Tuesday nights).

But it’s not all fun and games in the future as Mark noted how technology had allowed for some particular obstinate personalities to prolong their lives, resulting in the inexterminatable version of Neil Space Warlock Warnock, last seen complaining about refereeing standards on the bleak and desolate planet of Mongo 7. Brrrrrrrrr!


West Ham 1 Wigan 4: Kids get a proper spanking!

Goldie gets a right seeing to!

West Ham crashed out of the Capital One cup on Tuesday night after receiving a right spanking at the hands of the visiting Wigan team. Despite getting the perfect start with an opportunistic strike from recent signing Modiba Maiga, the Hammers subsequently collapsed defensively conceding a whopping four goals and it was ultimately a merciful end to proceedings when referee Pawson blew for full time.

Big Sam expressed dismay at the performance which raises questions regarding the true strength in depth of the current squad. “They needn’t come knocking on my door looking for Ice cream money” he declared “and I’m confiscating their playstations for a month”. Meanwhile the buoyant Roberto Martinez savoured a rare victory “We’ve never won a proper trophy at Wigan, and the capital One cup certainly won’t change that, but I’m proud of my boys – especially the Argentinian one who hasn’t scored for two years”
Who's the Daddy, huh?
The Wigan team has specially turned out in their stylish new away kit which afforded an unexpected opportunity to get some decent photos of their lads celebrating in some classy kirather than their gauche first team apparel. It has been rumoured that Big Sam is so disappointed that he is threatening to festoon the Hammers dressing room with the ugly celebration scenes that marred last nights festivities.
Attentions have turned to that other great beacon of Wigan light, Limahl, frontman for 80s popsters Kajagoogoo.” I’m really ecstatic. This is the best thing that’s happened for us since that crazy time in 1983 when all eyes were focussed upon Wigan due to my groundbreaking jingle 'Too shydy shy'”.  Music fans everywhere will be relieved to hear that Limahl has ruled out any chances of the band reforming, however, citing extreme manbaggage as an unassailable barrier to any reunion.
                                                                        No need to say nowt!

For Wigan, attentions now turn to the next round which usually peters out with a pointless 'final' match later in the year. Critics have warned Martinez against persistent dabbling with the competition, highlighting the fatal consequences for Birmingham City two seasons ago where the tedious distraction of the meaningless cup was a key factor in their relegation to the dreaded depths of the Championship.
                                                                           The much coveted Capital One trophy
Meanwhile, Big Sam is looking towards next Monday's trip to Loftus Road.

Tuesday 25 September 2012

Chavtastic! - Return of the Artful Codger and his hungry horde

Tonight's visit of Wigan for the Capital One Cup clash is sure to provide an ideal opportunity for old friends to get together and reminisce. No doubt Dave Whelan will relish the chance to wax lyrical about wage caps and recount his thoughts on the TevezZZZgate affair with Messers Sullivan and Gold. it'll be an occasion for the plastic cutlery with the irascible Whelan and his minions come to tea at Upton Park.
You have been warned!

Big Sam, however, may not provide an unreserved welcome as the pugnacious pensioner’s role in the affair contributed in no small amount to reducing Big Sam’s war chest during the recent transfer window. Happily, no manner of persuasion could prevent the ambitious Momo Diame from leaving the dull backwaters of Wigan for the bright lights of trendy East London. It is rumoured that in a bid to tempt the imposing Senegalese to stay, Whelan even offered him a lifetime's free supply of his Chav-tastic sports merchandise. 

One of ours now...

However, Wigan will certainly enjoy playing in front of a crowd as, with the second lowest attendance figures in the premiership, the atmosphere at the narcissistically named DW stadium is best described as funereal. No wonder they also pay the second lowest wages in the league - with the logorrhoeic Whelan repeatedly demanding a League-wide wage cap similar to that he has already imposed on his own team.

Cauldron like. Note extra wide seats to create the illusion of a crowd

The fixture is also likely to provide a welcome opportunity for care workers to see at first hand the miserable conditions in which many of the Wigan squad are expected to perform. Recent escapees, Hugo Rodallega, Victor Moses and Antonio Valencia  have all described harrowing conditions akin to something from Oliver Twist where players are forced to play barefoot for barely the minimum wage by the parsimonious Whelan and his illusory enforcer, the effervescent Roberto Martinez.
                                                     Hungry for success
Whelan, however, may be facing the fight of his life after Republic of Ireland mafia boss Giovanni Trappatoni expressed his outrage at Wigan’s woeful borstal like set up and the treatment of his talismanic teenager James McCarthy - citing severe malnourishment as the principal reason that he never selects the talented midfielder for international matches.
                                                       Trap: seething

However, whatever happens tonight, the Wigan fans are bound to enjoy their night out in the capital.

                                              OOOoargh.....What time's last train to Wigan?

Saturday 22 September 2012

West Ham 1 Sunderland 1: Curmudgeonly Begrudgery Provokes War Within Hammers Ranks

Controversy is brewing in the aftermath of West Ham’s spectacular last ditch comeback against Sunderland today. While most fans are relieved to have maintained their undefeated home record, blog-superstars verywestham  have reacted angrily to persistent criticism on some blog sites directed towards injury time goalscorer Kevin Nolan. The ultra-extreme Hammers fancying faction has responded by issuing a footie-fatwah against other West Ham blogs who, they claim, have been guilty of a campaign of curmudgeonly begrudgery against Nolan because of his paltry three goal haul so far this season. 
Stop this madness!
The crack assassins at verywestham  have singled out Hammers helpline for particular vitriol claiming that “this blog takes advantage of whiney and whingy depressed hammers fans by encouraging them to blame their everyday troubles upon our hard working and minimally remunerated squad - it just has to stop”. We at verywestham  think that Kevin is really fabulous (in a strictly manly way) and innocent of all charges that he doesn’t contribute enough or that his legs are gone deblahdeblahzzzzombie. "These allegations smack of unacceptable ageism and wanton scouserism"
Other sources have also been quick to row in behind Nolan highlighting that, in addition to his vociferous on-field captaincy, Kev also fills in as chief club social worker – a skill that is especially handy for dealing with Andy ‘Asbo’ Carroll’s transitional ‘issues’ into the team. Unfortunately, kevin's therapeutic skills could not save Benni McCarthy from his career destroying hamburger addicition but he is very hopeful that, with referral to the appropriate services, Carlton Cole can overcome his recent goalscoring phobia - "the lad's terrified of scoring - it's all that touching and kissing during the celebrations, you could pick up anything - especially off some of the lads coming back from International duty" advised Nolan.
Big Sam has revealed his surprise at how ingrained some old Hammers habits have been …” I knew when I took this job that I should expect some whingeing about injury time goals and last minute equalisers but I presumed that that was a reaction to always being on the wrong end of them. I had no idea that they were opposed to late goals by either team!”

In a deliciously ironic twist, 70s legend Bryan ‘Pop’ Robson, now chief scout for yesterday’s visiting Black Cats has revealed that he faced similarly resentful criticism and persistent carping during the legendary 1972/73 season when he scored 28 goals. “I’ve always believed that goals change games but for some fans it didn’t matter how many I scored, they just kept on complaining about my lack of Haerial presence”.
Similarly, resentment towards the 1986 twin striker goal scoring machine that was Tony Cottee and Frank McAvennie was so intense that ‘TC and God’ were regularly sent out on to the field of play dressed in embarrassing example of early product placement,  including Ann Summers 1986 ‘lingerie for him’ range.
                                                    New boots and panties

Meanwhile, in happy developments for music fans nationwide, Geordie slagpunk legends the Toy Dolls have postponed plans to pen a celebratory anthem to mark their first non-draw this season. A relieved NME editor, Miles Frivolous  commented “Thank God we aren’t facing another outbreak of the dreaded Toy Dolls – the last comeback did untold harm - folk stopped listening to new music for months for fear of encountering their quirky but ultimately tired and somewhat irritating product”

Black Cats Planning Bodacious Boleyn Burglary…

Security at Upton Park has been substantially increased for today’s key premiership clash between the mighty Hammers and Geordie Drawbore specialists Sunderland. Jack Elderbottom, longtime caretaker at the Boleyn warned “the last time this lot came visiting they stole half our defence – It took three years to get McCartney back and Ferdinand’s still missing”.
Thankfully, the contents of the club’s massive trophy collection are likely to be safe since a new supersized state of the art display cabinet was one of Messers Gold and Sullivan’s first  bold investments upon taking over the club two years ago.
Sam: Indefatigueabubble!
Rumours abound that Martin O’Neill, the Black Cat’s shrewd but somewhat crotchety manager, plans to use today’s trip as a further affront to the Two Davids by pilfering all three points at the Boleyn. The Earnest Ulsterman, who previously refused to rescue the Hammers from the relegating stewardship of Avram Grant, has vowed to quash any frivolous fun or fanciful merriment during todays sombre fixture. However, Sam Allardyce, master of ceremonies at Fortress Upton, has promised 'a festival of fun and frolic, packed with swashbuckling sensation'.
The wrong claret and blue
Indeed, the Black cat’s luck may have run out in relation to James ‘tweety-bird’ McClean who may not be able to play today due to an acute bout of ink poisoning after his latest visit to one of Sunderland’s many tattoo parlours. The artistic Irishman is said to be modelling his appearance on Mexican prison gang members in an attempt to get the attentions of his criminology-obsessed manager
McLean and some of the other Sunderland ‘homies’ arriving for today's match
Sam Allardyce, no stranger to Machiavellian machinations, has highlighted some crucial onfield tussles that will be key to determining who walks away with the loot today
Big Sam's Key Head to Head Battles:
Guy Demel vs the criminally talented James McClean

Mark Noble vs the untalented criminal Lee Cattermole

Carlton Cole vs Himself

Martin O'Neill vs righteous indignation

Jussi Jaaskelainen vs any of the many Sunderland stoppers who cannot hold down a first team place

Titus Bumble vs basic laws of logic and reason

and the final word goes down to....

Monday 17 September 2012

Norwich 0 West Ham 0: First points on the hoof

Contrary to the unexciting score line, this game was no snore-draw and in fact the first half was a bit of a belter as both sides sensed that 3 points were up for grabs. The game itself was pretty evenly matched overall, with Norwich just edging it in respect of clear-cut chances with Jaaskelainen tested more than Ruddy. It was good to see that despite his age, Jussi’s reflexes are fully intact. It’s worth noting that apart from the implosion at Swansea, we have yet to concede a goal this season in our other 4 games….nice work Dr Evil!
A Shared legend: Mucho respect

Winston Reid and James Collins were excellent again, even though Collins almost gave away a penalty in the first half. Hats off to Chris Foy as most referees would not have recognised the challenge as having been outside of the box, especially with the home side poised to benefit! Pity poor James Tomkins - he must be regretting the Team GB nonsense at the Olympics which created the space for the other two to excell. I worried as to how well Winston Reid would cope upon returning to the higher level again but he has improved massively over the past 18 months. Guy Demel still looks a bit wobbly at times while playing Joey O’Brien at left back seems to make little sense, even if he did put in a decent shift.
Loading the trigger for 'that' goal vs Eintracht Frankfurt

In midfield, Diame has been consistently solid but Noble and Nolan were both misfiring. Matt Taylor could have had a brace but had a rush of blood on both occasions, while Vaz Te was eratic. I am concerned that Jack Collison may struggle to get a run out when he is fit again as we seem to have lots of options – let’s hope we don’t force him to look elsewhere for first team football. Carlton Cole is out of sorts – he really is an enigmatic forward – at his best almost impossible to mark but at other times ineffectual and rudderless. Maiga seemed little better. On a brighter note, it was good to see Yossi Benayoun back in claret and blue, albeit for a mere glimpse.
                                             The Vidal Sassoon first XI: Imagine the shampoo bills!

While we shouldn’t sniff at an away point, the current squad has a depth and quality that makes it hard not to wonder where we should be aiming this season. Come May will we be scuffling around looking for points to avoid the stress of a relegation battle, or could we be looking higher?  Looking at Reading and Southampton – two sides that were discernibly superior to us last season – I think we can be happy to just keep the momentum and sit  pleasantly mid-table but, there can be no doubting that we have improved our squad to a much greater extent than the other newbies. All the same, 7 points from 4 games is just fine and who could begrudge former Hammer Chris Hughton a share of the spoils?
                                                         Happy days
So, Sunderland at home next week – they have yet to win but their three draws highlight how difficult Martin O’Neill teams are to put away. In James Mclean and Stephen Fletcher they have some dangerous talent, so we shouldn’t expect Big Sam to throw all caution to the wind….as if he would! None the less, they are certainly there for the taking and they were absolutely steeped in good fortune against Liverpool last weekend….Let’s hope their luck is all used up. I predict that Matt Jarvis will be on from the start and maybe Georgie McCartney can come on and steal all three points for us against his old club? COYI!
                                                 The post match scene next weekend, probably

Saturday 15 September 2012

Nervous Norwich braced for Beelzebubbian battering

The atmosphere is hotting up ahead of today’s lunchtime visit of West Ham to Norwich. The angelic East Anglians are bracing themselves for a hellish onslaught from the Hammers, who it is rumoured have become increasingly beholden to the hoofed one having traded their souls for soccer success in the recent transfer window.

Lucifer relaxing in the 1975 Cup final leisurewear range

Canaries caretaker, Chris Hughton, has cited damning evidence of witchcraft at Upton Park, including Andy Carroll’s remarkably rapid recovery from a "six week" hamstring injury. This has raised suspicions that foul-work may well be at play, and that the Hammers have abandoned the limitations of conventional medicine after the frustrations of Kieron Dyer’s persistent absenteeism.

It has long been rumoured within footballing circles that Allardyce has dabbled with diabolical practices stretching back to his first managerial job with Limerick FC. It is said that Sam made a deal with the devil during an all night poker lock-in that went horribly wrong – a pact that has stood him in good stead ever since, apart from a spell at Newcastle – a heinous mess of a club that even Satan himself could not make successful!

Fiendishly competitive
It is also thought that the disastrous draw-fest that bedevilled the Hammers towards the latter end of last season forced Sam to turn to fellow disciples of the dark one. While no specific names have been mentioned, some of Sam’s recruits have been suspiciously demonic – from the fiendishly competitive Joey O’Brien, to Scandinavian death-metal fancier Jussi Jaaskelainen and, of course, the devilishly talented Carlos Ricardo Te Vaz.

                                               Jussi laments his diabolical goalkeeping error vs Swansea

It has been speculated that things could escalate to involve actual player sacrifices. However, observers have noted that Julian Faubert’s continued presence at the club for four seasons would strongly indicate that the Hammers are yet to indulge in such practices. None the less, particular fears have been expressed for Grant Holt who spent much of the Summer meddling with the Hammers mojo in an attempt to leverage a better financial deal with the Canaries. Sources have warned that should he fail to repay his debt he could endure a similar fate to the hapless Rob Green, who having forsaken Satan’s Hammers, has experienced a laughable loss of form that has seen him cast down into the dark and unrelenting hell of QPR’s reserves.

                                                   Rob Green, not playing for West Ham

While the latest outbreak of Satanism at the club has been attributed to the arrival of Dr Evil as club manager, there have been mutterings for years that West Ham and England’s proudest football moment may have involved some unnatural elements, including the probable demonic possession of the Russian linesman.

No' 6 in '66
Norwich can expect similarly unforgiving treatment from Beelzebub’s battalions today. 


Tuesday 11 September 2012

Noble by Name, Majestic by Nature

The literary world is agog this evening at rumours that its greatest exponent, William Shakespeare, may be coming out of retirement in response to the developing nonsense around Mark Noble’s stalled contract negotiations at West Ham. Willie, who has been in hiding for years with Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison (and for some unclear reason, Richie Edwards of the Manic Street Preachers) has expressed a desire to chronicle the treacherous goings on down at the Boleyn. It is reported that Noble has become an increasingly tragic figure, bewildered by the lack of recognition of his intense loyalty, forcing him to consider forsaking his beloved Hammers for the likes of Stoke, QPR, Wigan and a host of other pointless premiership pretenders.
Ricardo Vaz Te models the latest Hammers Leisurewear
Speaking from an Island off Madagascar, The Bard revealed “I liketh not these clouds that gather across the firmament, for they bestoweth great peril and force sane men to wander, until it doth maketh them mad and without reason”. Paul Raisenthorpe-Smythe, presenter of Channel Four's late night literary magazine ‘Books and bits’ ventured ‘this could be the tragedy of all tragedies, the final literary piece for William, and also a useful springboard to relaunch his failing career’. He was also quick to emphasise that late night arts programmes are not solely the reserve of literary trolls and their sycophantic gargoyles.
William: Best mates with the Lizard King

Other observers have expressed fears that Noble may disappear into the same Bermuda (transfer) triangle that previously engulfed Hammers stars Bobby Zamora and James Collins, both of whom experienced mysterious and inexplicable disappearances. Frustratingly, recent returnees have been unable to recall much about their time 'missing'. Speaking for the first time on the matter, George McCartney said – “ I can remember very little, except that it felt empty and purposeless”. Similarly, the prodigal James Collins spoke of his time ‘lost’ “Although the colours seemed familiar, everything seemed without soul and i couldn't decipher a word of what they were saying, it was nightmarish”
                                                                                                        Z: still out there in the Caribbean
Meanwhile, more impressionable hammers fans will be buoyed by David 'Yoda' Sullivan's  daily press ‘leak’ where he lauded young Mark’s contribution "strong the force with him, it is"
                                                                                   Sullivan:  Wise

Finally, in other news, Michael Stipe has announced plans to reheat moribund nineties popsters REM for a typically self-indulgent and indecipherable concept album exploring his personal catharsis around the whole debacle. A provisional album title "Am I...?" has been mooted.
                                                                    Stipe: Needy