As we approach the final few days of the January transfer
window seeking major signings to boost the dwindled ranks at Fortress Boleyn,
the ever-proactive board have moved to address the worrying shortage of fit and
able players. In response to the disappointment of being cruelly rejected by
former Dutch International Johnny Heitinga and turned down by strikers Ishak Belfodil and
Lacina Traore, and in order to reverse the horrible trajectory towards the
Chumpionship, The Davids and Mrs Brady-bossy lady have taken on the services of
a professional makeover company who will be ‘redesigning and reframing’ the
Here at VERYWESTHAM, we can reveal the ins and outs that
have been identified as crucial to rescuing this lamentable season.
IN: David Sullivan has decided to drop the velvet dinner
jacket posturing of old and taken on a much more streetsmart image that should
appeal to today’s gangsta-style footballers. At the very least it is hoped that
it might convince Ravel Morrison to keep hanging with the homies at Upton
OUT: Red Cardies – yes, that goes especially for you Captain
Kevin and You Romeo Tomkins. Let’s try and keep all eleven on the pitch as we
face a run of crucial fixtures where anything can tip the balance for or against us aswe seek those 22 points BFS thinks we need before season's end.
Out: Sleeping on the job – We hope that you are listening
Mrs Brady- you need to set an example for the players, especially our dozy
defence who have been gifting goals to all sorts of no hopers, including Mr angry,
Hammers-reject Marouane Chamakh!
IN: Reid and Collins at Centre back – remember when we were
in the top ten defensive sides in Europe a few months back – strange how that
coincided with these two warriors forming a watertight partnership at the spine
of our side. Hmmmm. They are set to be re-united over the coming week or so and
that can only be good for the leaky Hammers defence. Sam’s whole Footie
philosophy is predicated upon not conceding goals…..
OUT: Whingy fans who blub at the disappointment of an
inconsequential third round cup defeat by a second string side who were merely
getting some training practice ahead of the important matter of a series of
important Premiership six pointers.
IN: RVT– remember two years ago when by Crimbo we had hit a
plateau – and after a run of draws looked likely to be facing a second year in
the championship – that is until the arrival of RVT! Wind forward two years and
we await his return after a nasty injury – any day now he’ll be back in all his
inconsistent and finest unpredictability! Never mind opposing teams, most of
the time his own team mates have no idea what he is going to do next. Maybe
that’s why he smiles so much!
IN: The second coming for AC, rapidly gaining match fitness.
How we look forward to his considerable ability to influence the flow of games,
and who knows, with his ability to hold the ball up we might get above the
paltry 40% ball possession we have been averaging so far this season!