Thursday 31 January 2013

Momo Abduction: this means war!!!

The press office at West Ham have issued for wide release a statement that Momo Diame’s whereabouts is not known to them and, amongst other things, alien abduction is being considered as one of the more likely reasons underpinning his disappearance.

An artist’s impression of Helpless Momo being whisked away to his new club
It has been widely rumoured that the aliens responsible for upsetting David Icke and the likes, who are generally fatigued by most homosapien behaviour, have a bizarre interest in Association football, and may have decided to abduct Diame for one of their crucial intergalactic federation champions league ties. At this stage, the Hammers press office are unable to confirm whether this is thought to reflect a short-term ‘loan’ for a single game, or if in fact they have decided to naturalise the splendid Senegalese performer and build a whole team around his physical game?
The aliens would have no chance 
Sources have expressed surprise at the apparent move, given that space soccer has many crucial differences from the Earthling version. For one thing, space referees do not tolerate the abuse that our cowering men in black endure, with yellow and red cards aligned to physical punishments for the perpetrators. The refereeing retribution is so severe that it has been speculated that some premiership ‘cheats’ would be putting their life in danger by changing code!  
Typical space soccer scenes
Another key difference is that games are won by the team that inspires the highest rating on a giant pitch-side clapometer, thus ensuring that busy and price-sensitive aliens are not forced to endure the dull overpriced dross that fans of many Premiership clubs are served up. Also, teams score bonus credits for amusing tricks like nutmegging and surprise wedgying of opponents

Honestly, We've no idea what you're on about
Other seasoned Hammers observers have suggested that the Diame abduction yarn is merely a ruse from those craft Cockney campaigners Sullivan and Gold that is aimed to discourage the attentions of unprincipled clubs such as Arsenal, Spurs, Chelsea, Man United, Man City,  QPR, Everton, Real Madrid, Paris St Germain, Barcelona, ……………….. In either case, enraged Hammers fans have vowed to exact retribution on any life force that attempts to prise Diame away from the Boleyn – even if it means full intergalactic warfare!!!

Die you B'stards, Die!!!

Spirit of 66 remembered as Hammers seal last ditch transfer swoop!

Of course it’s all Hurst-Moore-Peters when Hammers fans talk about how the 1966 World cup was secured for old Blighty, but as West Ham made a desperate bid to stop the slide towards the relegation zone, their latest transfer window signing will remind them of the often- forgotten hero of the sixty six campaign.

In an effort to find their lost form from the preChristmas period, Hammers have signed the services of none other than ‘Pickles’ the wonderdog who famously found the World Cup trophy after it had been ‘mislaid’ , thus saving a nation’s blushes!

An elated Sam Allardyce commented “this is just the pickmeup my lads needed, especially Kevin Nolan who has hardly contributed a screed since late November”, and continued “ I just feel so sorry for any players who allow themselves to be tempted away from the Boleyn by the likes of Arse-nail of Spurrrrs” he muttered as he maid a ‘MO’ figure with his hands on his head.

 “Pickles will undoubtedly cheer everybody up, even our rubbish defence who gave away three silly goals to a very average Fulham side in last nights disappointing and worrying defeat”.

Meanwhile, hammers superbrat Alou Diarra, in his latest outburst,  said that he “couldn’t care less and didn’t really like dogs”.
It could be a long and bumpy journey until the end of the season!


Wednesday 30 January 2013

Dogged Hammers in last minute swoop for Lampard and Zamora

Recent events down in the Championship have served to highlight a new source of footie talent for panic-stricken premiership clubs to tap into during the January desperation transfer window. Rex ‘crazy dawg’ Widdlespoon injected a sense of real excitement to an otherwise dull Rothersnore United versus Comatown Athletic League Two match by seizing possession of the match ball and going on a mazey Giggsian run for all of 4 minutes before the Rothersnore keeper managed to dispossess him with an outrageous challenge that went unpunished by the match referee!

Ooo-definite contact, that’s gotta be a penalty
Hammers boss, Big Sam Allthedice, upon learning of young Rex’s acrobatics,has  immediately diverted his scouts in search of similar canine talents. Early indications are that the Hammers may have hit the jackpot as some former Upton Park favourites are unexpectedly out of contract and readily available should Big Sam decide to swoop!!! 

I'm with fatso!
 A small minority of Hammers fans were disappointed when recent efforts to re-sign Frank Lampard Junior proved unsuccessful, but will be delighted to hear that the other (much less arthritic) footballing talent of the Lampard family is readily available and straining on the leash for a bash at Premiership football.
Deadly strikers

In even better news, the Zamora family name may also soon be back where it rightfully belongs on the Hammers team sheet as young Zeus Zamora (or ‘ZeeZee’ as he is likely to be called by Hammer’s fans) is also available on a free transfer and would be likely to accept a minimal remuneration package comprised of dog nuts and a promise to allow him to hold on to his match balls.
Ecstatic fans have commented how these signings can re-ignite the longstanding Hammers tradition of promoting canine talent through its much admired kennel-like academy system. Previous graduates include the tenacious midfield stopper Martin ‘Mad Dog’ Allen who is well remembered for adding much needed bite to the Hammers midfield in the early 1990s
The Bard of Barking is expected to return to the Boleyn
Moreover, the signings would be likely to bring back to the Boleyn some disgruntled fans who have drifted away from the club due to a perceived lack of representation of local talent from previous feeder clubs clubs such as Dogenham Rovers and Barking FC.
That'll stop you lofting it up into the sky
Other sources see the signings as an ideal antidote to the clubs perceived recent over-reliance upon hoofing the ball up in the air, as these new signings are likely to impose a style that requires that the ball remains at ground level.
Meanwhile, in other transfer news, the trend for canine signings seems to be catching on as various Premiership clubs unleashed new signings this week…
Villa's new defensive lynchpin
Arsenal identify back up for Baccary Sagna
Man City unveil the new Balloteli
Chelski locate suitable cover for while Hazzard is serving his ban

Errr.....a new Captain for Chelsea?

West Fulham XI: Those who traversed East and West

Tonights big clash in the Premiership brings together East and West London for an intriguing battle between two sides lurking mid-table, but with intent. We have compiled a team  - West Fulham XI – of those who have played for both clubs. Dave ‘D’Artagnan’ Hammer explores their history and passes his verdict on how well these players performed during their spells at each club, and where their hearts lie ahead of tonight’s fixture.  

Dave Hammer says:

Gerry Peyton
Highly experienced keeper with a decade and almost 350 apps for Fulham. He later provided cover at west Ham for a season (’93-’94) but never needed to tog off and join the field of play. Equally, he can correctly assert that he never put a foot wrong during his time at the Boleyn! Verdict Cottager.

Ian Pearce
Pearce’s career at the Hammers yo-yo’d due to intermittent injuries but a committed performer across the defence and had a nice touch of pace to go with his physical presence. Clocked up almost 150 appearances over 7 years before being stolen away to Fulham for a three season 57 gamed adventure again marred by injuries. Verdict Hammer.

Tony Gale
Wonderfully talented centre half – good in possession and intelligent reader of the game. Nicked from Fulham and subsequently Spent a decade at the Boleyn before being released to claim a Premiership medal with Blackburn in 1994. Part of the glorious ‘Boys of ‘86’ team. Verdict Hammer.

Bobby Moore
Hammers legend. Is he the greatest English player of all time? Spent over a decade in service at the Boleyn. Enjoyed a fun-packed spell at Fulham where he even played against the Hammers in the 1975 side that lost to two Alan Taylor strikes. Verdict Hammer.

Paul Konchesky
A real one hundred percenter! And a tasty left foot that occasionally unleashed goal-bound rockets. Mysteriously fell out of favour and seemed to dip in form as he fell out with manager Alan Curbishley, before departing for Fulham where he had a productive stint involving over a 100 appearances. Hmmm. Verdict Cottager.

John Pantsil
Arrived after the World Cup in 2006 but found it hard to adjust to life in the Premiership and drifted down the ranks. Never really got a sustained run in the side and eventually left for Fulham in search of first team football. Settled much better at Craven Cottage until 2011 when he left after 75 appearances. Verdict Cottager.

Papa Bouba Diop
Excellent 3 year spell with Fulham during which he rose to Captain status before moving to Portsmouth and then Greece . A great name and with a physical presence to match he later returned to England that helped the Hammers deal with the Championship last year. Sadly, age was catching up fast and prevented him staying on the Good Ship Bubbles as we sail back through Premiership waters. Verdict Cottager.

Luis Boa Morte
‘Dead snake’ spent 7 useful seasons at Fulham, clocking up almost 200 appearances and was Cottager of the season in 2004/5.  Considered a real steal from Fulham, Boa Morte’s robust style never quite endeared him to Hammers faithful and he suffered confidence loss. Committed and loyal throughout but seemed to lack the necessary guile to command a permanent starting place.  Verdict Cottager.

Leroy Rosenior
Bounced from Fulham to QPR to Fulham to West Ham and Fulham for a third spell then on to Charlton before making the long journey down to Bristol City! Pacey and physically determined forward who played in Hammers sides of the late 80’s and early nineties, including a key role in a promotion push during that time where he scored most of his 15 Hammers goals. However, was more prolific during his three spells at Fulham. Verdict Cottager.

John ‘Budgie’ Byrne
Enjoyed a productive period for five years at the Hammers in the sixties in a side that contained many legends. Fantastic goalscoring record, averaging more than a goal every second game. Unlucky to miss out on the World cup glories of ’66. Drifted to Palace and then on to Fulham for an unremerakable year in his Autumn. Verdict: Hammer.

Bobby Zamora
Loved by Hammers faithful and made it clear that he loved playing for his boyhood team. Pleasant habit of scoring important goals against Arsenal and in key matches e.g. promotion play offs. No idea why we let him go! Thrived at Fulham for three seasons before QPR raided but hasn’t quite kicked on at Loftus Road. Verdict Hammer.
Fulham 6 West Ham 5!!!

 Substitutes: Iain Dowie, Andy Melville, Tony Parks, Jimmy Bullard, John Harley.

So, a mixed bag, with players varying in where they found most success and a pretty even split as to East vs West in ultimate allegiances, with Fulham just pipping it 6 vs 5. A close encounter, just as we can expect as the sides do battle tonight!

Monday 28 January 2013

Potts opts for Knievel Stunt Role

Potts (in the background) practises the elusive ‘stadium jump’ 

Much as your average armchair slob imagines that the modern game is inhabited by noncey-poncey modern dance impressionist wannabes, the truth is that the speed and aggression of football at the top flight frequently makes for harsh collisions that can do serious damage – compare the amount of time players spend on the sidelines with injuries nowadays with seasons ago, and bear in mind that medical care and ‘protection’ from referees has improved so much.

More  sickening scenes at Goonersville

Young Dan Potts burgeoning career with the Hammers encountered another set back last week when he was stretchered off against Arsenail after being knocked unconscious after a collision with Baccary Sagna Hair extensions. The harrowing scenes that followed served as a re-run of the horror show that Hammers fans experienced during a pre-season trip to Southend back in July when he was also the victim of a concussive collision.

Sordid  stuff at Saff-end
And so, after this latest life-threatening concussion scare, young Dan Potts has elected to switch sports to the considerably less dangerous stunt motorcycling and thus follow in the steps of that legend of dangerous ‘sports’ Evel Knievel. 

Some of the nonsense Potts is expected to get up to

More foolishness
Statistical experts have calculated that young Dan’s new career is likely to be considerably less dangerous than playing at left back for the Hammers, as other high profile casualties can attest to. George McCartney, West Ham’s other left back and current Northern Irish Bull-riding champion, is a long-term detainee on the side lines due to a high speed collision earlier this season. Thankfully, the ace defender will have plenty to keep him busy with his second sports career as his Ulster home is a particularly fertile region for angry livestock.

However, in a ground breaking move to stem the tide of top footie stars abandoning their deadly sport, the Hammers health and science department have issued all Hammers defenders with new protective headgear. This will be worn in all training and other off-field activities (e.g. late night socialising, weekend trips to Dublin) but cannot be worn on the Premiership field of play until it is fully sanctioned by the FA. Meanwhile, Hammers faithful are hoping that the new device can save Pott’s career and convince him to stay with his defensive duties.
Young Potts models the innovative headgear


Friday 25 January 2013

Momo No Go: Hammers Ace demonstrates his Hammers commitment in absolute terms

Fed up with all the squad-unsettling speculation regarding his future, future Hammers Captain Momo Diame has decided to follow in the tradition of our best poets and ‘show not tell’ by chaining himself to the gates of the Upton park stadium in order to send out the strongest possible message to Arsenal and Spurs that he is a resolute Hammer.
Still further evidence of Mo’s immovability was provided by Hammers Boss Sam Allardyce who, fed up with all the mouthwatering speculation, decided to cut to the chase and shred the contract that is at the centre of all the nonsense, along with it’s 3.5 million clause. Asked if he suffered any indigestion after the act, Big Sam reassured reporters that the legal document was a darn sight tastier than most of the pies and burgers that are sold outside the Boleyn on matchday.
Got any Ketchup anybody?

Hammers chief of football, Bobby Fischer, has warned that he believes the Diame speculation may be a dummy run from our deceitful neighbours and have taken the precautionary measure of also physically securing Hammers ace centre back Winston ‘Wonderful’ Reid.
Given the craziness that characterises the period just before the transfer window closes, Hammers chief David Gold has issued all squad members with some handy hand cuffs from the Ann Summers range. Hopefully these will keep our players well busy and out of harm's way over the coming weekend while they are inactive for round four of the FA Cup.

Windy Arse blow Hammers away: Turbine 5 Hammers 1

Wenger urges his players forward as he turns on the device

It was all going perfectly according to plan for the gallant Hammers at the Emirates on Wednesday evening, having survived the initial Gooner gusts of enthusiasm, young Collison popped up with a cracking strike to remind us just how good he can be if injuries allow him a decent run of football.

Then suddenly it all went wrong…Hhhorribly HHHhorendously WRONG!!!....insiders at the Emirates have revealed that after months of hard work, the Gooners technical team finally managed to connect up Arsene Wengers latest bargain import – a giant wind machine!  The crafty curmudgeon was able to turn it on for the start of the second half and with devastating effect as the Hammers had no answer and netminder Jussi Jaaskelainen was left powerless in the face of a gale of goals!

                                                                       Another one flies in!

And then just when the Hammers thought that things couldn't get any worse, young Dan Potts sustained a nasty concussion when he collided with Baccary Sagna's hairpiece. It is thought that the Hammers are likley to lodge a formal complaint with the FA over the outrageous and dangerous hair extension device that the attention-seeking young Gooner insists on wearing despite the obvious health and safety issues.

In better news for the Hammers, Wenger’s new signing means that the Gooners have no need for Momo Diame and now all the Hammers need to do is fight off the advances of Tottenham. Sources have suggested that this should be relatively easy given the endless evidence of the disastrous career choice that is Spurs.


Meanwhile, Hammers have regrouped after the storm and aim to bounce back with their own tsunami against brittle Fulham who have already experienced one sound Hammering this season when they visited Fortress Upton Park.