Sunday 28 December 2014

Starting Line Ups Revealed as Big Sam Plays it Smart

Hammers fans had a strong hunch that Big Sam had decided to sacrifice the Chelsea match in the hope that a rested side would be better equipped to achieve the more realistic option by taking all three points against Arsenal.

And so it is, as Song and Sakho return to the starting line up. Joey O'Brien replaces Carl Jenkinson who is not allowed to play against his parent club. Perhaps the biggest surprise is the inclusion of Morgan Amalfitano as reward for his exciting con tribute on after coming on as a sub against Chelsea. Noble and Nolan will start from the bench with Alex Song acting as captain for the day....


Rotten: Arsenal are Pretty Vacant in Midfield

As an injury-hit Arsenal squad prepare for their Premiership clash with the mighty Hammers today, their chief celebrity supporter - John Lydon of Sex Pistols and PIL fame, has lashed out at Arsene Wengers parsimonious policies in terms of squad development.

As it was revealed that both Cesc Fabulous and Alex Song wanted to return to the Emirates but were deemed unsuitable for the current Gooners squad! Lydon relaunched his autobiography with a few updated chapters about how the misery of being an Arsenal fan drove his vitriolic stage persona. A devastated Rotten whined that he could see little or no future for the Gooners under Wenger.

With the additional pressure of trying to maintain their remarkable record of ten wins and two draws against West Ham in their last 12 meetings, Oh how the Arsenal manager must be regretting the decisions to overlook his former stars as the Arsenal midfield has stuttered along all season while the poorly protected defence has been utter anarchy.

Meanwhile, over at the Boleyn it's all fun and frolics as with European football looking more and more likely during 2015, the Hammers are preparing for some holidays in the Sun!

We are predicting a 3-2 Crimbo stonker as the Hammers put one over on their uppedy neighbours!

John Terry Embroiled in Web of Deceit with West Ham Fans

The level of in-house paranoia at Chelsea appeared to reach new heights this morning as Captain John Terry posted an instagram picture allegedly depicting Hammers fans engaging in ungentlemanly and abusive gesturing towards him after he netted a stunning 2-yard pile driver to open the scoring at Stamford bridge on Boxing day!

The blatantly photoshopped pic

However, with the help of state of the art soccer graphology techniques, we can confirm that Terry's insinuations are almost certainly incorrect and bordering on possibly misleading. In an effort to clarify matters we have reposted the shot restored to its original content before Terry 'photoshopped' it to remove the crucial objects that reveal the true intentions of the Hammers fans. 

We have also numbered the relevant items of evidence as follows...

1.  This diamond geezer is signalling to John that in his opinion JT is still numero uno for the England centre back berth, especially as Roy Hodgson refuses to select James Tomkins instead persisting with the aged and mediocre Phil Jaggyelbow.

2. Despite his tender age, this young man has managed tp procue a pint of beer which he is offering to John to facilitate his celebrations of an excellent goal.

3. This gentleman, who is probably a top sports scientist, has developed the concept of fan #2 but is offering John a much needed protein shake to help him sustain his efforts for the full ninety minutes.

4. This chap is thought to be one of London's foremost hair designers and is offering JT a haircut free-gratis at his fashionable salon.

5. It remains unclear how this admirer managed to sneak a full-sized original light sabre into the ground, but he has identified this moment as the ideal opportunity to offer it to John as a symbol of his out of this world brilliance. 

Meanwhile, foreign language problems have again caused the Gooners of Middle Arse to become unstuck as Olivier Giroud took the Boxing Day moniker too literally in the clash with QPR and engaged in some ungentlemanly headbutting. The resulting red card brings a ban that begins for today's match where the Gooners make the arduous trip across London to visit West Ham. 

Giroud will undoubtedly be pleased that the ban begins with immediate effect as this match is one that the Gooners will almost certainly have pencilled in as most unlikely to deliver any points in their quest for a Europa League place.

Hammers Prepare for Champions League Showdown with Exhausted Arsenal

Under fire manager at lowly Slumberland FC- Gus Poyet - has slammed the congested Premiership fixture list and spoken out in support of our underpaid and overworked stars who are forced to play a gruelling two games in three days!

Traditional Wear side Crimbo scene

Top experts have revealed that it is not just the impact of having to run around for an hour and a half twice in 72 hours, but also the propensity for cold and muddy conditions poses an unacceptable burden upon the players, with some of the more feisty types having to deal with really hard to shift mud stains on their kits.

Moreover, in contrast to players in the 70s and 80s, today's players have to also manage the cleaning of body armour and gloves- essential elements of today's kit that weren't even invented in the era of Norman Hunter and Tommy Smith!

Top Hammers chillin' ahead of the Arsenal clash

Happily, the current West Ham squad is so strong that crafty Sam Allardyce was able to rest two of his top stars for the Boxing day mudfest versus Chelski, knowing that Diafra Sakho and Alex Song were relishing the opportunity to torment an exhausted and threadbare Arsenal side.

Friday 26 December 2014

Song Joins International Elite

The astonishing exclusion of Alex Song from the Cameroon squad for the forthcoming African Cup of Nations means that the stylish midfielder joins the list of Hammers who have been overlooked by their National team managers!

Perhaps the most famous was the exclusion of Paolo Di Canio from the Italian team for the 2002 World cup even though the talismanic striker was at his peak. Italian manager at the time, Giovanni Trappatoni is said to have replied to a query about selecting Di Cano that there would need to be a bubonic plague outbreak in Italy before the volatile Di Canio would come into consideration!

Then Argentina foolishly left out Carlos Tevez from last year's World cup squad during which their campaign petered out as they were crying out for somebody of the Apache's experience.

But probably the most perplexing of all is the continued exclusion of Mark Noble from Roy Hodgson's England set up.

The international sides losses are West Ham's gain as the availability of Song during late Jan and early February is a real bonus, while Noble's exclusion protects him from picking up a Dean Ashton type injury on International duty.

Chelsea the losers in ugly contest

Poor Chelsea were left fuming this evening after failing to get the desired result from today's Premiershop frolics.

Fiendishly good between the sticks

Although the pretentious West Londoners came out on top in the warm up match, they came in second best in the big competition of the day as the winners in the Premiership's most ugly side contest were announced.

Can play right back or midfield

The contest is run annually and celebrates the opportunity to insult opposition players when they perform well against your team with the hilarious quip "he's not just a pretty face".

Offensive genius

This year's judge was the top hair designer Michel  Olivier, who unlike his namesake - the referee of today's soccer match - was not afraid of going against the baying hordes of Chelsea fanciers.

The most horrific of all

Despite having the likes of Lurch, Werewolf, Jaws from James Bond and John Terry in their ranks, poor Chelsea were voted second after the interminably unpleasant orc-like horrors at Stoke City. 

Thursday 25 December 2014

It's Inconceivabubble!!! West Ham Ready to Stuff Chelsea

Ho Ho Ho!!! Time to put the feet up and relax. This year the nagging feeling in the back of your mind is not that we are still a significant number of wins away from relegation safety (although we are still one win sort of the magic ten wins to stay up rule!), but more whether we can maintain our push for European qualification.

This time last year we were ‘concerned’ at the injuries to all three of our centre backs, with the consequent gaping hole don the middle of our defence with Roger ‘The relegator’ Johnson ushered in as the main gatekeeper – and what a hole it turned out to be as Man City and then the mighty Notts Forest took full advantage and inflicted embarrassing thrashings upon those squad players who were still standing.

Sam out. Sam is Killing West Ham. A poll of 20,000 Hammers fans concluded that three quarters wanted a change of manager.

The board held firm.  Stuck to their guns. The centre backs returned and we were a proper team again and cruised to Premiership safety. In the Summer they ‘assisted’ Sam by bringing in Teddy Sheringham. And took front seat on transfer activities, with the audacious capture of Alex Song on loan the pick of a bunch of mightily astute recruits.

Then it all went crazy as the new team gelled immediately. Sakho couldn’t stop scoring, Song was simply splendid, Cresswell and Jenkinson demonstrated what its like to have full backs with pace and quick feet, while the traditional spine of the team – Adrian – Reid –Tomkins-Collins-Noble all delivered their usual high quality contribution. Oh, and most importantly, Stewart Downing went feral in his more central role.
 Boxing Day and we are in a Champions league position.

This is a story that was totally Inconceiveabubble this time last year!

Enjoy the turkey, and then its Chelsea for a stuffing tomorrow……probably!



Wednesday 24 December 2014

Hammers Benefit From Deranged Decision

Yippee!!! In news that confirms that the Cameroon national team manager does not watch Premiershop football, Alex Song has been left out the squad for the forthcoming African Nations Cup.

Although disappointing for Song, Hammers fans will be jubilant as the midfielder has been in sensational form for the swashbuckling East Londoners.

In other news ahead of their Chelsea clash on Boxing day, Mark Noble is ready to return but Kevin Nolan looks likely to miss the trip. Eddie Izzard is rumoured to be unavailable for the pretentious West Londoners.


Carroll: West Ham can Win the Champions League

The media furore around Andy Carroll continues to grow as the resurgent striker has taken to postulating about all manner of possibilities for the buoyant Hammers. Having been ridiculed for suggesting that West Ham could win the Premiership, Carroll refuses to de deterred and has now boasted that West Ham will beat high-flying Chelsea at Stamford Bridge on Boxing day!!! Citing Sam Allardyce's grandmaster managerial capabilities, Andy is convinced that the Hammers can achieve anything with their current squad of players!

Colourful imaginations are not new to the Carroll clan, with Andy's great-great grand Uncle Lewis Carroll once boasting "Sometimes I've believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast"! However, beating Chelsea away from home was never one of those six things.

'I promise I wont spend the cash on Nigel Quashie'
Undoubtedly this Hammers squad is the strongest for many seasons, but the looming African nations Cup will deprive West Ham of three of their most important players in Alex Song, Cheik Kouyate and Diafra Sakho. As such, Sam Allardyce will need to use all his grandmaster skills to squeeze some cash for suitable replacements in the transfer window from Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle David!


One option would be for the Hammers to play a wild card by leaning on some of the fringe players in the squad who are currently struggling to find a starting berth for East London's finest. However, with crunch matches against Liverpool and Manchester United scheduled for the mid point of the tournament, the likes of Joey O'Brien, Carlton Cole and Kevin Nolan will need to try and find some match sharpness as soon as possible!

     Luckily West Ham have their own Mr Rabbit in the form of the one and only Mark Noble who is due to return soon with his Duracell-like qualities as the engine room for the bubbles men.

Alternatively, maybe there's one last chance for Ravel to finally achieve his potential for West Ham?

Either way, a result against Chelsea would be truly audacious!

Perhaps the last word is best left to Andy's wise old uncle...


Tuesday 23 December 2014

Ravel can be crucial to West Ham during the African Cup of Nations

Maybe there's still time for Ravel to shine?
Christmas and a Champions league spot.....simply gorgeous stuff! However, as the debate gathers as to whether West ham can maintain their challenge, the African cup of nations looms and with it the likely loss of three key players in Alex Song, Cheikidh Kouyate, and Diafra Sakho.

Running from mid January to mid February the bad news is that both Cameroon and Senegal are likely to reach the latter stages of the tournament. Either way, all three are unlikely to be available for Crunch Fixtures away to Liverpool and home to Man united - matches that if we maintain our current form a likely to be crucial to whether we can hold on to a European place.

West ham will be hoping that Enner Valencia hits top form to substitute for the scintillating Sakho, but in midfield it is hard to see how we can possibly hope to replace Song and Kouyate. If we are lucky with injuries then Noble, Amalfitano and Nolan provide a reasonable starting trio but beyond that there is little in reserve with Morrison out of favour and Poyet still essentially unblooded at this level. The transfer window may help but with the prope ct of having to compete with Song, Kouyate and Noble for a start g place it seems unlikely that top midfielders would want to come to West Ham.

So maybe, just maybe there is one more opportunity for Ravel Morrison to realise his potential at West Ham.  David Gold has made it clear in recent interviews that he is fond of the lad and still hopes he can have a future at West Ham. Moreover, Morrison's failed loan spell at Cardiff will dampen enthusiasm from many managers - and the more desperate clubs will surely fear his potentially destabilising influence (and the small matter of a pending court appearance). With a few months to run on his contract, for now at least Morrison and West ham may be stuck with each other.

It would make for some fairy tale if the lad could turn it around and play a part in keeping our European dreams alive!!! If there's one thing that this crazy season has taught us its that anything is possible!

Sunday 21 December 2014

Who's Idea Was it to move Downing into a Central Role?

G'wan into the middle there, would ya!

As Hammers fans try to get their happy heads around this increasingly fantastic season, a variety of explanations for our new swashbuckling  style have surfaced. Some fans have attributed our success to the twin arrivals of Song and Kouyate into midfield, while others have highlighted the pace and power up front of Sakho and Valencia as the key factor.

However, the single biggest change amongst last season's heroes has been to the contribution of Stewart Downing who, in a new central role, has been simply majestic! Key passes, assists and goals galore, his sorry times left out on the wing for Liverfool are well behind him and even at the grand old age of 30 he has smashed his way back on to the International stage.

There has been much talk about the a rival of Teddy Sheringham as forward coach - with Speculation that he was 'forced' upon Allardyce while other suggestions posit that Sam personally selected Sheringham even though he was previously untried at coaching level!

Somewhere along the line a trial of Downing in the central role was mooted. Was this stimulated by the absences of Ravel Morrison and Kevin Nolan? We have yet to hear from the big man himself or from the surprisingly media-shy Sheringham but either way Hammers fans won't really care whether the new formation happened by fortune or design!

Let's hope we don't dispense with our recent aggressive formation when we travel to Stamford Bridge on St Stephen's day as our best chance of getting something from a high-flying Chelski outfit is to play to our strengths and go toe to toe with the Premiership leaders. Even though our "medieval" tactics captured a point last season, sitting back against a Chelsea side with so many lock pickers is unlikely to work. Having a pop at the sluggish Terry-Cahill central defensive pairing might be our best chance of coming away with something...

If we can get something from either Chelsea or The Gooners of Middle Arse then our European dream will be well and truly alive and kicking. Southampton recently found out that it's tough at the top but unlike West Ham they had enjoyed a remarkably gentle fixture list until December. We have already toppled Man City and The 'mighty' Liverpool...Let's hope our London neighbours can join the list.

Meanwhile, keep Downing in a central role and let's have the confidence to go with what has served us so well so far this season.

Hammers on Alert as Downing Out with Fever

The competition for Hammer of the year will be a close fought race this season with a whole host of candidates lining up as potential winners - amongst others, Alex Song, Diafra Sakho, and Aaron Cresswell would all be justified in having serious aspirations to win the much-coveted trophy.

However, right now it's Stewart Downing who almost certainly leads the pack after a simply breath taking season that has seen him reborn as a central attacking midfielder who has terrorised all before him!!!

In addition to his general contribution and ever growing number of assist, Stewart has also clocked up four goals already - with yesterday's stunner against Leicester possibly the best of an impressive collection.

All this goal scoring has given Downing more than ample opportunity to brush up on his celebration routine and yesterday we witnessed his new routine - reminiscent of John Travolta's iconic dance performance in Saturday night fever!!!

No doubt big Sam Allardyce's training routines have helped the squad in their efforts to develop ever more eye catching celebrations with the big man surprising nimble footed himself!


Saturday 20 December 2014

Konchesky Gets the Chop as Pearson has another Outburst

There were dramatic scenes in the changing rooms at Upton Park today after West Ham outfoxed Leicester to take all three points with a 2-0 win. Poor Paul Konchesky slipped up mid-way through the first half with an ill-judged back pass that provoked hot-headed Leicester boss Nigel Pearson into another rage - only days after receiving a hefty fine for telling a heckling fan to FOAD!

Pre-transplant Konch
A devastated Konchesky is said to have blamed his hair for getting into his eyes and blocking out the image of the lurking Andy Carroll who pounced on to the under hit pass and then slotted it past the hapless Foxes netminder to give West Ham a deserved lead and the perfect platform for their ninth victory in the Premiership this season.

 Konchesky's disappointment may be slightly softened by the fact that the beneficiaries on this occasion were his former club of whom he is a self-confessed fan. However, the Hammers faithful may struggle to recognise their former left back as the current hairy-headed version bears little resemblance to the severely cropped youngster who turned out for the Bubbles on 59 occasions between 2005-7, including scoring a stunning goal in the 2006 FA Cup final!

Pearson is thought to have responded with a Biblical-style outburst that included a Delilah-style attack on Konchesky, shearing off his hair in an attempt to prevent any similar mishaps in the future. It is hoped that a return to his abrasive baldy self will allow Konch to recover the Samson-like powers that previously characterised his defensive toils.

Meanwhile, the FA may launch an enquiry into why Leicester fielded a player with a surname suspiciously similar to their matchday opponents nickname, raising the possibility of a nepotistic conflict of interest. For Ben Hamer, this will come as another headache ahead of the current probe into possible wizardry and / or religious extremism.

Hammers Brush Aside Foxes But TC and God Still on Top...for now

It's really starting to get more serious now as we head into Christmas perched in fourth place in the Premiership - and even more scary is the fact that our position is fully deserved! Today's match against Leicester would traditionally have provided a perfect opportunity for a Hammers side to trip themselves up, but not this time as despite rarely kicking out of first gear the Hammers strolled home to a 2-0 victory over a largely impotent Leicester side who need to strengthen in the transfer window if they are to have any chance of staying in the Premiership next season.

Alex Song was sensational again while Stewart Downing who had a (relatively) quiet game still chipped in by scoring a stunning goal! At the back we looked solid and it's a measure of the depth in talent in this squad that a twinge (hopefully) to James Tomkins resulted in James Collins coming on to slip into the centre back slot without even the suggestion that we might be destabilised in any way. Similarly, while Leicester may have been glad to see the back of Diafra Sakho, the sight of Enner Valencia coming on as his replacement would surely dampen any celebrations!

Otherwise, you really have to feel for the likes of Morgan Amalfitano and Mauro Zarate who have been excellent when given the opportunity so far this season but cannot get a start in this buoyant Hammers side.

Of note, we are a mere point off the total that the Boys of '86 had amassed at this stage of their season and a full five points above where our previous best Premiership finishing side - Harry Redknapp's side of 1998-9 - were after 17 games and they went on to snatch 5th place.

The next two fixtures will be revealing as if West Ham can get something out of Chelsea (away) and / or Arsenal (home) we are really in the mix as the current squad has enough depth to keep going in the face of injuries and African Nations Cup absenteeism...


Thursday 18 December 2014

Hammers to Feature in New Zoolander Film

After months of intense speculation, Hollywood sources have revealed that English Soccer club West Ham United are to feature in the forthcoming sequel to Zoolander. The 2001 smash-hit movie-documentary took the fashion world by storm as it explored the sinister goings on behind the catwalk. Now, in an effort to maintain the edgy contemporaneous feel of the original movie, the sequel has shifted attention to sports fashion, focusing primarily on the world of Soccer-football.

In shock revelations today, it has emerged that rather than focusing upon the rather stale energy of 'typical' soccer clubs such as Chelski, Manchester City/United or Arsenal, the script writers have opted to centre the storyline around the Premierships newest big boys, the 'so hot right now' West Ham United FC!!!

So Hot Right Now!

Following a careful analysis of societal fashion, chief Zoolander creator Ben Stiller has gone for a sports theme for the sequel The all-important story line goes that …….After a number of years out of the fashion business, Derek starts to yearn to return and a chance meeting with Hansel (played in the original movie by Jack Collison) leads to him launching a comeback through the fashion's most vibrant outlet of the 21st century - Premiership football!!! Moreover, a chance encounter with Alex Song - a chief proponent of the outrageously cool Derelicte range - alerts the disgraced Mugatu to the fact that soccer players have become the new pop stars and fashion models for this generation.
West Ham's move to the Olympic Stadium and imminent promotion to European football thus provides the perfect backdrop for an under-pressure Mugatu to design an audacious new football kit and line of accessories that can befit the new kids on the Champions League circuit, and put him back at the very pinnacle of the World's fashion industry!!!


Rumours had previously suggested a link between the Hammers and the original Zoolander - with the Hammers home kit for season 2012-13 having a flamboyant design typically associated with top designer Mugatu.

However, it is in the recent Christmas range that we can really see the full-Zoolander effect in evidence!

 With goalkeeper Adrian in particularly enthusiastically embracing the Hammers new stylish philosophy
and even the Liverpudlian members of the squad have joined the bodacious bandwagon 
While some sceptics have suggested that these revelations are merely the latest ruse from the attention-craving board at West ham to try to shift season tickets for the new Olympic Arena, others have pointed to the considerable evidence that West Ham are the preferred Zoolander club - Apart from the Collison connection, West ham have been chosen because of the sartorial elegance of their strip - especially the unsurpassed away offering of sky blue with double claret hooped design that has become a footie fashion icon.

"With a push-up bra you could have a nice rack of lamb up there"

Moreover, having decided to locate the sequel in London, Stiller was left with little alternative to West Ham due to his aversion to shallow bourgeois pretentiousness (Chelsea), irritating self congratulation (Arsenal), tiresome incompetence (Spurs), endemic nastiness (Millwall) and general pointlessness (QPR / Crystal Palace). The artistry and honesty of East London's finest was a major attraction.
n recognition of the new partnership, all Hammers fans attending the first fixture at the OS will receive a free Orange Mocha Frappacino to celebrate our new fashion-conscious era.



Disaster Ahead of Leicester Clash

Climatologists across the globe have been on 24 hour alert all week in an effort to identify any suspicious changes to atmospheric pressure after a turquoise alert was issued last weekend. Top seismologist, Dr Poulo Windybottom, spoke of the worldwide concern after a number of suspicious and deeply worrying events, principally in the English Premiership football league.

Burnley’s bizarrely and unexpected victory at home to Southampton may have raised eyebrows, but by far the more concerning ‘oddity’ of the weekend was the fact that West Ham’s Diafra Sakho played for the East London outfit AND DID NOT SCORE!!!
This unprecedented occurrence has provoed considerable unease as it is expected to be followed by a serious of similar climate-based events that could include tidal waves, floods, cyclones and hurricanes, with even a small possibility that the end of the world might ensue!

Sakho, for his part, has been unconcerned by these rumours and is just focused upon the upcoming game against bottom of the table Leicester who have lost seven of their eight games away this season. Not surprisingly, climatologists see this as an ideal opportunity to re-establish a sense or order on world events and to return Sakho's record to within statistical norms for him.  

Meanwhile, in other weird and disconcerting developments, tragic Sheffield United have reached the semi-final of the League Cup thus providing a welcome distraction from their largely unsuccessful toils so far this season in Division Three.  The Blades passage was enabled by their second round win after extra-time and penalties at Upton Park – a result that signalled the very last instalment of the Tevez-sloppypaperwork affair.
Hammers reserves acclimatise to possible conditions at the OS




Sunday 14 December 2014

Sam Respects the Point

West Ham have an excellent record against Sunderland over recent years - both home and away, such that we travelled to the Stadium of Light in expectation of at least a point if not snatching all three. As it turned out we came away with a decent point in a game that really could have gone either way. West Ham will undoubtedly feel aggrieved at the Sunderland penalty award, which was soft in the extreme, but in all fairness a sharper strike force would have slotted at least one of the other chances that Sunderland created.

 The Andy Carroll-Diafra Sakho partnership looks impressive and will give opposition sides lots to think about in their pre-match preparations for encounters with the Bubbles boys. the combined physicality and pace will force sides to adopt a cautious stance and already we are seeing this translate into increased ball possession for Sam's lads. Downing was again splendid – it’s easy to underestimate just how fast he is and his ability to bring theball forward quickly on the counterattack is really exciting and inevitably led to much panic and foul play from retreating Sunderland defenders on a number of occasions yesterday. Unusually, we also got to see Stewart’s nastier side as he picked up a booking for a quite ruthless and deliberate swipe tackle!  

 In midfield, Alex Song continues to look majestic with Cheikidh Kouyate adding muscular presence. Even at the best of times Kevin Nolan can look a little pedestrian and yesterday was no exception as the fluidity of our current side contrasts with his more direct style. Nolan will need to start notching goals if he wants to really justify his continued inclusion in the side, especially with Noble returning soon (hopefully!).

At the back, we looked solid with both full backs adding plenty in terms of attacking overlaps. Carl Jenkinson almost opened his Hammers’ goalscoring account in the first half, while Aaron Cresswell  linked in beautifully with Diafra Sakho to create a great chance in the second. Sadly, neither came off but there is no doubt that we are a considerably more potent force at full back than in previous years.

Sam didn’t whinge too much about the penalty in post match interviews, belying the fact that he was mostly satisfied with another point on the road. In terms of Japanese respect rituals, this game warranted a keirei bow.

Next up, its Leicester at the Boleyn. Let’s hope this is the start of a major charge over the Christmas period…