Saturday 31 January 2015

How Carroll Survived Brendan "the Berserker"...

Andy Carroll is set to join the list of survivors of psychological torture as he finally revealed the extent of the mental abuse he was subjected to during his time at Liverpool FC.

Trust me...

In a hard hitting interview, Carroll described a pattern of head-wrecking interactions with Reds boss Brendan 'the beserker' Rodgers.

Probably quite clever

Dr Rodgers, who has an honours degree in sports psychobabbleology, is thought to have lost the run of himself with a series of bizarre experiments apparently aimed to develop a new form of shitespeak based upon the principles of paradoxical futility.

Andy was deeply affected by the abuse
Carroll describes being assured of his role in all things Liverpool in face to face encounters with Rodgers but then these were frequently followed up with telephone conversations suggesting he should get out while he could....even to Foolham!

Today's clash thus provides the perfect opportunity for Andy to complete his journey of recovery and strike a blow for all victims of mental torture.

West Ham Victim of Wicked Media Conspiracy Ahead of Liverpool Clash

Yet more evidence that Noble is leaving
West Ham fans were subject today to an almost comical attack from some sources in the media as it was revealed that midfielder Mark Noble is on his way to either QPR or West Brom!!! Even more amusing, the apparent arrival of Darren Fletcher has been used as evidence that Noble is now surplus to requirements at his beloved Hammers! One wonders at the motivations for such mischievious malevolence ahead of today's crunch clash with fellow Champions league contenders Liverpool.

Perhaps the source is linked to that which recently projected an end of season Premiership table with Liverpool miraculously rising to fourth place and West Ham slipping to ninth! With a nervy keeper, confused defence, physically lightweight midfield and misfiring attack, it's hard not to feel that the computer that generated such drivel may have fallen victim to a scouser virus.

However, in news just in, we can confirm that rather than leaving to join relegation-bound Queens and Park Rangers, Mark has in fact agreed a new 125 year contract with West Ham United. Hammers fans will undoubtedly be delighted at what is widely perceived as only ample reward for his many years of commitment to the club.

However, some critics have expressed surprise at the length of the contract that has been offered. In response, club sources have revealed their logic “Mark’s agent explained to us that he has Timelord abilities and thus the capacity to represent the Hammers ad infinitum and simultaneously across time. As you might expect, we were initially quite sceptical but a search of club records provided conclusive proof of Marks repeated presence at the club over its full history”

Rumours have been circulating for some time that Noble’s commitment to West Ham is so great that he has appeared for the Hammers in a number of previous incarnations. Upon realising the significance of his time travel, the club decided to snap him up on a long-term contract.
Here below, for example, he is with the Cup winners cup winning team – unbelievably back then the young Noble was reimbursed at a mere two shillings and sixpence a year for his pre-Bosman efforts!

And again, here (back row, left), turning out for an early Thames ironworks side –Noble is readily recognised by his trademark nonchalant sideways glance!

And here, arriving at Wembley with fellow West Ham fans arriving for the 1923 FA Cup final pitch invasion. This incarnation was unusually untalented at soccer and therefore expressed his club devotion by leading the ironically named ‘casuals’
At a press conference earlier today Mark was able to reveal some startling developments in football in the future. As the Captain of our famous future three in a row Eurozone championship team in 2145, he noted “It’s all got so much easier since Man United abandoned football and became a space basketball team”

He also smiled when asked to describe the future fate of Sheffield United – Tragically they never recovered from their multiple relegations after the Tevez affair, especially when an appeal resulted in them having to return the 24 million compensation that they received from West ham. After that they were bought out by fellow whingoids - the Daleks- and used as training fodder for the dalek space rugby league team (Division 3B: Northern section, Tuesday nights).

But it’s not all fun and games in the future, as Mark noted how technology had allowed for some particularly obstinate personalities to prolong their lives, resulting in the inexterminatable version of Neil Space Warlock Warnock, last seen complaining about refereeing standards on the bleak and desolate planet of Mongo 7. Brrrrrrrrr!

Either way, we at VERYWESTHAM would like to initiate a campaign against untruthful, exaggerated and speculative journalism.....for all of eternity.

As for Today's game - Noble revealed that although West Ham have not won at Anfield in over 40 years, in the furure victories against Liverpool became a routine affair for East London's finest. Right now, here at VERYWESTHAM we predict that the Hammers will emphasise their Eurocredentials with a 2-1 win, with Liverfool rejects AC and Stewie D contributing the crucial goals and boyhood Liverpool fans Cresswell and Nolan having particularly important contributions - Cresswell with his swashbuckling runs forward and Nolan with some top class Scouse referee badgering!


Wednesday 28 January 2015

What now for Dan Potts?

West ham's apparent capture of Stephen Hendrie from Hamilton suggests that the club are thinking ahead to the future - an aspect of planning that has not been to the fore during Big Sam's reign. However, the impressive performances of Aaron Cresswell - who can add 'not injury prone' to his fast feet, willingness to get forward and classy delivery attributes, makes one wonder what the signing of a promising left back means for our existing squad?

Young Dan Potts has impressed on the occasions he has been given an opportunity to shine. However, despite his excellent attitude and discipline, his relative lack of physical prowess has been a recurring consideration that has impeded his progress under Big Sam.

With the adaptable Joey O'Brien always available to fill any defensive gap that appears, the omens are not good for young Potts. Moreover, with Cresswell having nailed down the left back berth, one wonders if Hendrie will be happy to play understudy?

Progress is good but there are casualties along the way. With Pott's contract expiring in the Summer, there will undoubtedly be some interesting developments ahead.

Tuesday 27 January 2015

Hammers to face further criticism from Senegal

West ham will be bracing themselves for further criticism as the Senegal national side were dumped out of the African Cup of nations this evening losing their final group match 2-0 to Algeria.

Its difficult to say for sure where the absent Diafra Sakho would have figured in coach Alain Giresse's plans, but undoubtedly a lack of firepower up front contributed to their unexpected exit from the tournament. Sakho was demed unfit for National duty by the West Ham medical team but then subsequently made a faster than predicted recovery to appear as a substitute in last Sunday's FA cup clash with Bristol City. Even more galling for the Senegalese, the striking sensation not only looked sharp but also netted the crucial deciding goal!

West ham made much of the need to transport Sakho to the game by Cadillac chauffeur, maintaining that he remained unfit to fly due to his niggly back problem.

One suspects the accusations will fly as the Senegalese might well feel that they have been "East-ended"!

The good news for West ham is the midfield powerhouse Cheikou Kouyate will now be available sooner than expected - a real boost ahead of a tough run of key Premiership fixtures that will almost certainly be season-defining for the Hammers.

Monday 26 January 2015

Fletcher Fails Medical due to "bad feet"

As Norman Stanley Fletcher once famously confessed when confronted by the Slade prison medics "with these bad feet who'd have me".

And so it is as the rumour mill gathers suggesting that West ham are about to sign the soon-to-be out of contract Darren Fletcher, one wonders at the wisdom of taking on board a player who has amassed a mere 34 games in the last four seasons at Manchester United.

Moreover, its hard to see how Fletcher can improve on our recent record of taking on Man U rejects as experiences with Ravel Morrison and Luke Chadwick suggest that the Mancunians are craftier than we imagine in deciding when a player is surplus to requirements (the days of Stuart Pearson are long over!). Our current success is based upon pace and agility that the 30 year old midfielder no longer has. If we really plan to build a squad with  Champions league pretentions we surely need to look for up and coming rather than fading (modest) talents.

This doesn't smack of progress. More like consolidation. Is Fletcher really an improvement on Jack Collison - both ability and fitness-wise? Moreover, poor Diego Poyet must be wondering what he has signed up to...

Let's hope Tony Pulis is more successful in his efforts to 'hijack' West ham's bid to sign the aging midfielder than to frustrate our FA cup ambitions!

It's the Baggies at the Hawthorns!

C'mon then....give us what you've got...
The draw has just been completed and the Hammers will face West Brom on the weekend of the 14/15th February as their quest for FA cup glory continues.

With our away record agaibst Pulis-managed sides we will need to perform at our very best to keep the cup run going. Will Berahino still be a Baggie by then?

Sunday 25 January 2015

Banksy Speaks as Hammers Defy the Knockers

You'd have to feel sorry for poor Bristol City who, after a gallant effort today, found themselves undone by a piece of brilliance from Andy Carroll that set up goalscoring machine Diafra Sakho to nod in the decisive solitary goal of a lively affair.

Meanwhile, Senegal are slowly edging their way to the last eight of the African Cup of Nations after a win against Ghana and a draw against South Africa from their first two matches leaves them needing only a draw from their final group match against to reach the last eight. Cheikhou Kouyae has been busy starting their first match and joining as a late substitute in the second.

As for the Hammers, is this the year we rediscover our relationship with the cup? 

Saturday 24 January 2015

Hammers Prepare for FA Cup Glory

As the mighty Hammers prepare for their 4th round FA cup clash with Bristol city, David Gold tweeted that the waves seem to be parting for East London' s finest. With Chelsea, Man City and a host of Premiership clubs bowing out of the competition, the FA cup looks increasingly like the Mary Celeste, as The big guns exit leaving the door open for the Hammers to launch another major campaign.

After the tragic 2006 effort we can justly feel we are ready to strike for glory in the world's greatest knockout competition....


Thursday 22 January 2015

Hammers Down Millwall Twice in a Week!

Twice in a matter of days the Hammers have downed hapless neighbours, Millwall.

First Freddie Sears came on for his new club Ipswich town and flicked on a delightful pass for the crucial goal to see off Milwall last weekend. Sublime!

Then, to add to the Lions misery, QPR loanee Mauro Zarate scored in a behind doors 4-3 victory this week.

All of this follows a stunning penalty shoot out win for the Hammers development squad late last year.

In the absence of a head to head fixture, it seems that the mighty Hammers are finding no end of creative ways to dominate their neighbours.

Wednesday 21 January 2015

Freak Storm as League Cup tie ends tragically

In astonishing scenes at No Heart Lane, tonight's League Cup encounter ended in tragedy as a freak storm terminated proceedings while an electromagnetic current entered the televisual apparatus and electrocuted all watching Spurs and Sheffield United supporters. This is just the latest disaster to afflict poor Sheffield United and Spurs fans who have surely had enough to endure over recent years while watching their teams stumble from one unsuccessful season to another.

Ex-Blades manager Neil Warnock is said to be even more angry than usual.

Our sympathies go out to any innocent Hammers fans who may have been having a sneaky glance at the otherwise dull and unentertaining affair.

Monday 19 January 2015

Sullivan Plays Down Hammers Ambitions...(again!)

As the West ham management revealed their rather conservative five year plan for the club, which limited aspirations to winning the Premiership and Chumpions league, many fans have suggested that the pessimistic board try thinking big for once!

Winning Ugly is a characteristic of top six sides

After yesterday's victory over Hull City - described by some outlets as a 'thrashing' - Hammer's fans need to not get carried away as, despite the 3-0 scoreline, we were truly dreadful for the first half and hardly deserved to be at parity as we headed down the half-time tunnel.

Sam's assertion that we were off the pace and 'tired' rings true, especially when one considers that the wily old Steve Bruce almost certainly told his troops to run at West ham to test their energy levels. James Tomkins in particular looked well-weary and was repeatedly tormented by the pace of Hull's Sone Aluko. Maybe he was still upset after the 'row' with Mark Noble during Tuesday night's tense affair?

At half time Sam reverted to the diamond and it all clicked. Hull barely threatened and after establishing a lead, West Ham duly put Hull to the sword catching them on the breal twice in a matter of minutes. It was pleasing to see Andy Carroll score a classic striker's goal from McGregor's unfortunate spill as his repertoire would be improved by adding more 'easy' goals to his tally. We are told that Teddy is providing special sessions for Carroll and in all fairness he looked like Dean Ashton at times yesterday with some nice interplay.

Valencia is a conundrum - undoubtedly talented, he has struggled a little due to inconsistent game time and immediately after Sakho's injury he looked ring rusty. However, yesterday he was excellent and created two of the three goals and was unlucky not to add to his goal haul. One senses that over time if managed correctly that Enner will become a Premiership sensation. The best players often have a lukewarm first season in this uniquely frantic league.

So, the Hammers ran out easy winners against a decimated Hull city team who cannot score for fun. Perhaps not such an amazing result but how many times over the years have we come out the wrong side of a comprehensive scoreline against top sides having performed well for much of the game?

Dare we say it......are we really now a top side? The next four Premiership fixtures against Liverpool, Man United, Southampton and Tottenham will certainly test our credentials to sit at the top table....

Sunday 18 January 2015

West Ham Reach Tipping Point

Please Sir, can we have some more?

Today's clash with Hull City presents a key moment in the Hammers season as, after a series of draws following a disappointing Christmas spell, Big Sam's troops find themselves rapidly drifting towards mid-table obscurity. Even more concerning than the poor points haul of late, is the reality that  performances in the drawn matches against West Brom and Swansea were below par, while a ten-man Everton more than competed against West ham for an hour during Tuesday night's FA cup tie.

The absence of Sakho and Kouyate certainly weakens his hand, but Allardyce will hope that Enner Valencia can develop on his goal in the midweek FA cup dramafest against Everton, while Alex Song should be fit to start.

Valencia's form has been in and out, and despite newspaper reports suggesting that he was the star performer for West Ham on the night, many observers noted that he seems to be suffering from a dip in confidence - with a series of poor touches, followed by a tame one on one miss, and then  getting in the way of a certain Song goal evidence from the first half that things have not been working out for him of late. That said, his goal was well taken and who can forget his stunning strike in the 2-2 clash at the KC stadium earlier this season which serves as evidence of what the lad is capable of. Today should be a chance for him to kick on.

Reid remains unavailable due to an ankle injury. How many times have players holding out until the end of contracts picked up injuries along the way and suddenly found themselves much less desirable to would-be wooers? The conspiracy theorists will undoubtedly wonder if he is being rested prior to a January exit which, given that European football is looking less likely after our recent run of results, may now be inevitable as Winston seeks a new challenge.

In other news, Ricky Vaz Te has departed to Turkey in a mutually agreed termination of his contract. Ricky never quite delivered in the Premiership, but there can be no doubting his contribution to our presence in the top league as his arrival three years ago during the January transfer window kick started a Hammers side who after a good start to their promotion campaign, found themselves unable to win games and were sliding down the Championship. Maybe his departure will allow a new face to come in who can similarly reignite our push for Europe this season? Either way, it seems such a waste that he has spent so much of his recent career not playing - just think of the job he might have done for any of the Championship promotion wannabes this season?

Hull arrive in poor shape - a poor away record, currently languishing in the relegation zone, and with both Hernandez and Jelavic crocked. They will surely struggle to score goals and would almost certainly be happy with a point, so we better brace ourselves for a conservative approach from Steve Bruce's men. Let's hope big Sam doesn't play it too conservative as this is a game where Amalfitano should definitely start ahead of Nolan. If we can get an early goal it should be an enjoyable encounter. If not, Hull can expect a Carlton-Andy bludgeoning for the last 20 minutes as this is one we simply MUST win. 

Rory Nostradamus predicts a 2-0 home win.

Wednesday 14 January 2015

Carroll Forced to Stand Aside

As Irish soccer sensation Stephanie Roche discovered during the week in the Puskas award for the goal of the year in world football, CONTEXT IS EVERYTHING!

For many Observers,  her stunning strike for Peaumont United in the Irish Ladies league was the best actual recorded goal during the year, but undoubtedly James Rodriguez's stunner for Colombia versus Uruguay in the seething cauldron of a world cup finals knockout clash was the greater spectacle.

And similarly for poor Andy Carroll - widely tipped to win Hammers goal of the season for his cracker against Swansea last weekend, after last night's drama the award can surely only go to goalkeeper Adrian for his sensational sudden death penalty kick!

Sorry Andy!

"I'll take off my gloves - this game is over now"

Interviewed after his heroics on a night of much drama at Upton Park, goalkeeper Adrian described his thoughts as he stepped up to take the match winning penalty...

Revealing that he felt overcome by a calmness, he dramatically discarded his goalkeeping gloves before charging up to take the penalty. 

Although many Hammers were aware that the Spaniard was formerly a striker, he revealed that in fact he had never actually taken a penalty under serious circumstances!

However, such concerns were far from his mind as he described his final thoughts as "I'll take off my gloves - this game is over"!!!

And it was as he slotted the kick to claim a new level of hero status amongst the Bubbles brigade.

Fellow hitmen exchange striking tips

Tuesday 13 January 2015

It's Pistols at Dawn as Hammers Finally Overcome Toffees!

You really couldn't make this pantomime up - what should have been a routine win last week at Goodison Park was foiled in the last minute of extra time by a Romelu Lukaku goal and we had to return tonight to the Boleyn to try all over again.

But we did well and in fact were looking comfy at 1-0 and with an extra man (albeit Nolan!) after Aidan McGreedy got send off for being stooopid. But, predictably, West ham conspired to throw it away. conceding an equaliser and then falling 2-1 behind to ten men!

I'm gonna go on there and score, OK!

Only a saving Carlton Cole goal, late into the East London night, and with just 5 minutes of extra time remaining brought us to penalties....

...and then the real drama started

As both sides demonstrated that they had been practising spot kicks, Naismith got unlucky and managed to miss his effort .....and so at 4-4 Stewie Downing stepped up. A chance to sleigh the beast for once and for all...

Most of us felt confident that he would score- after all, this is Stewie-sweetfoot...accurate as a sniper who wins sniper competitions etc...

Oh no!!! The Toffee Gods reached down and saved Everton again.....

And so to the 'amateur' penalty merchants.....each brave soldier stepping up and dispatching their efforts until finally we were left with the two Spanish Goalkeepers...

They squared up to eachother like a spaghetti western...cold, determined....

Joel smashed his kick beyond the flailing Adrian - BUT OFF THE UNDERSIDE OF THE BAR!!!

and then Adrian dopped the ball on the spot, stepped back and started to run towards the ball, jettisoning his goalies gloves in a symbolic act of outfield defiance...and thumped the ball into the back of the net.
Click on the link to watch the shootout, shot by shot...

Yes!!!!!!!! on the sixteenth attempt Satan Baines & Co have finally been slain.


West ham versus Everton: What time is the last bus?

This season has served to remind Hammers fans that it is unrealistic to expect to ever win against Everton. Having twice outplayed the erseysiders,  we have come away with a draw and a defeat and after Lukaku's last minute 'heroics' last week face tonight's FA cup replay wondering how we can see off the chewy toffees.

An expert team of football analysts have been considering the possibilities all week and concluded that after failing to beat Everton in the last 15 attempts that a penalty shoot out is the most realistic means by which West ham can maintain an interest in the competition.

This ses on has been a strange one for penalties - we kicked off by 'beating' Schalke in a penalty shoot out in preseason and followed that up with a penalty save by Adrian midway through the match against Malaga. Then as the season commenced the unthinkable happened - a Noble penalty miss.....and against Spurs!!!

Things got (considerably) worse as we lost to an un-named division three team in the league cup who play in red & white striped shirts with black shorts.

But all was well again when the under 21s saw off Millwall in a sustained war of attrition that included a 21 penalty shoot out!!!

So....we predict a 2-2 scoreline after normal time, then a scoreless extra time followed by a penalty shoot out...let's hope Sam has had them practising their kicks.

This could go on all night!!!

Who would you choose as our five spot kick heroes?

Monday 12 January 2015

Olympic Stadium to Include 'Hammers House of Horror' Bar

As the first images emerged of the desigbn for the corporate lounges at the Olympic stadium, we at VERYWESTHAM have learned that, in an attempt to cater for fans of all tastes including the S&M variety, Messers Goldie and Sullivan have arranged for a 'horror' theme  bar to be installed!

Truly Terrifying!
In contrast to other bars, which are adorned with images of Hammers legends such as Mooro, Brooking, Hurst and Scottie Parker (Errr WHAT?!?!), the 'Hammers House of Horror' Bar celebrates those Hammers who have not necessarily enjoyed such unconditional love from the Hammers fans for whom such reminders provoke all manner of nightmarish sensations.

Smuggled images suggest that portraits of Paul Ince, Benni McCarthy, Marco Boogers and Allen McNightmare on Green Street have been specially commissioned for the purpose so that on match days no matter how bad things are going, fans can be consoled by the fact that things could be worse!

What Hammers Leg-Ends do you nominate for the 'Horrors' bar?

West Ham put out of their misery by top star

That's CHAMPION Andy!

Hammers fans were given an early warning this season that in contrast to the drudgery that provoked a Sam-out campaign, the all-new 2014/5 swashbuckling version would bring some audacious football eye candy to savour as we return to the West ham way. However, such fun and frolics bring responsibilities, including the significant challenge of identifying the goal of the season.

Stewart Downing has delivered a couple of stunning strikes that in a normal season might have a chance, while Enner Valencia's awesome dipping monster agains Hull City was heretofore a major contender along with a Zarate strike (Zarate??? Who he???), but Saturday's action ended all speculation on the matter as Andy Carroll scored the goal of the millenium. Using a double headed, Michael-Flatley shuffle along with a thundering swervedriver into the top corner, Andy has laid claim to this season's prize and can confidently take the prize home now (if he can retrieve it off Ravel Morrison for the Spurs goal last year!).

The awards are not fully done and dusted, however. Alex Song is still out front with disallowed goal of the season (vs Arsenal), while Adrian's foiled late corner kick efforts rank as hilarious goal effort of the season so far. Diafra Sakho's header against Man City certainly ranks as most important 'stylish' strike of happenings so far, while best goal in any setting will surely also go to Sakho for his absolute beauty in a development squad fixture versus Ipswich!

Check out the Sakho strike versus Ipswich at:

Check out the Valencia strike versus Hull city at:

And this is the best footage so far for Andy's strike on Saturday:

Sunday 11 January 2015

Andy Floats like a butterfly...

...and stings like a bee!
Watching big Andy Carroll's stunning goal against Swansea yesterday brought to mind the classic Muhammed Ali mantra as the big man danced his way gracefully across the box before sending out a stinger of a shot into the top corner. MAGIC!!! An immediate favourite for Hammers goal of the season.

It starts with Andy taking a routine header down...

Then dancing across the Swansea box, jinking away from three defenders

He steadies himself and then 
decides to let fly

OMG....It's a stunner.

All Fabianski can do is fling himself hopelessly across the goal!


Have you anything to add to your comments of late about the Carroll/Bony choice?

Noisy noisy Mr Sullivan

Champion - Perhaps you should keep it that way!

Check it out at