Sunday 22 February 2015

FA to Launch Enquiry as Digital Error Thwarts Hapless Hammers

In dreadful scenes today at No Heart Lane, the brave Hammers were undone by faulty digital technology that allowed for a bizarre and completely unwarranted FIVE minutes of extra time during which the officials heaped further injustice upon the visitors by awarding a mighty soft penalty in the final seconds of the match!!!

As rumours circulated that the fourth official had been unable to work the timer correctly, or that the device had become infected by a Tottenham virus, the poor Hammers were robbed of a well earned victory.

Crusing with 15 minutes to go and 2-0 ahead after stunning strikes from Kouyate and Sakhoooooo, suddenly a mishit Danny Roseshot bounced over the hapless Adrian and it was game on again.

Then in the final ten seconds, Harry Kane fell over in the box and as the Spurs fans bayed for a penalty the referee crumbled.

There was still time for Adrian to save the penalty but Harry Kane was followingup and slotted the rebound. Dreadful stuff. Truly dreadful.

Hammers Select Strongest Possible Starting XI

It's the big one and not surprisingly Big Sam has selected a strong starting line up. Interestingly, Kevin Nolan is on the bench as the dream midfield of Kouyate, Song, Noble and Downing finally gets to start. In Nolan's absence, Mark Noble is captain. The prolific Harry Kane returns for Spurs but West Ham will hope that the similarly returning Winston Reid can stiffle his impact. Up front for West Ham, Sakho is fit and ready to terrorise the Tottenham defence while for his striking partnet Enner Valencia today is the ideal moment to shine.

Rory Nostradamus predicts a thriller with the final score a 2-2 draw


Lloris, Walker, Dier, Vertonghen, Rose, Bentaleb, Mason, Lamela, Dembele, Townsend, Kane
Subs: Vorm, Davies, Fazio, Stambouli, Chadli, Eriksen, Soldado

West Ham

Adrian, Jenkinson, Tomkins, Reid, Cresswell, Song, Noble, Kouyate, Downing, Sakho, Valencia.
Subs: Jaaskelainen, Demel, O’Brien, Collins, Nolan, Jarvis, Cole

Monday 16 February 2015

Ron Burgundy Intervenes in West Bromgate Affair

As the images of West Ham fans abuse of David Sullivan dominated the news, celebrity Hammers fan Ron Burgundy urged fans to remember the Hammers code of behaviour.

As some observers attempted to add a sense of respectability to the comments of the fans during the offensive exchange by suggesting that the focus was on Kevin Nolan's performance, having watched extended footage its hard not to feel embarrassed for those concerned.

C'mon lads....keep it classy!

For those who want to keep the flame burning by bringing kids to the game it would be nice to be spared such foul behaviour

Saturday 14 February 2015

"He's behind you!": Say Hello to our 'new' striker

┼╣ZZZzzzz........So the news is that Andy Carroll is crocked for the season having sustained medial ligament damage during Wednesday evenings battle with Southampton. Already the merchants of gloom are writing off our chances of grabbing a European spot citing an absence of firepower up front. David Sullivan has announced that West ham are seeking a replacement and unsurprisingly a host of out of contract misfits are being mooted as the solution.

But deep within the camp lurks a far more exciting solution in youmg Elliot Lee. The lad has certainly demonstrated the ability to score at development level and would almost certainly have amassed more first team game time if he were at a club with a less conservative minded manager.

Son of Rob, Elliot's style is more like Cottee than his dad. A graduate of the academy and lifelong Hammer, he has been patiently waiting his opportunity. Having overcome a variety of injury setbacks in 2014, he looks ready to step up to the big time and make 2015 his announcement year. Lee looks set to make the bench along with fellow youngster Reece Oxford for this afternoon's trip to the Hawthorns.

 Maybe today is the day....?

Thursday 12 February 2015

Hammers to Sign Higuita as New Goalkeeping Coach

Undoubtedly the arrival of Teddy Sheringham last Summer as Forwards coach added much-needed creativity to the Hammers offense. However, the East London giants refuse to rest on their laurels and are now seeking to bring positions not usually associated with fancy forward play into their attacking efforts.

Recent scenes in the FA cup highlighted the considerable upfield skills of goalkeeper Adrian and, perhaps not surprisingly, the Hammers have decided to try and incorporate his efforts into their attack. However, after last night's unfortunate setback wherein Adrian was caught out trying to dribble past Southampton's striker, it is rumoured that the East Londoners plan to bolster their efforts by recruiting the expertise of football's greatest ever attacking netminder - Rene Higuita!

The Colombian legend is perhaps best known for his 'scorpion' kick, but was also known for his capacity to dribble forward into the opposition half as well as his contribution with offensive free kicks!

Back at Chadwell heath, Adrian's two match ban for the red card he received for diving on the ball after losing control of it should provide the ideal opportunity to master the scorpion kick and other similar attacking goalkeeper skills.

With reports that Andy Carroll could be out for another six weeks, maybe its time for Adrian to move into a forward role. Jussi Jaaskelainen certainly looked sharp enough upon his return to fill any vacancy that arises between the sticks!

It was like scenes from ZULU out there!

Get up, they've got another corner
The mighty Hammers were once again licking their wounds this morning after another brave performance earned them a point against high-flying Southampton at St Mary's stadium last night.

The game itself was a dull affair in terms of goalscoring action as Sam's troops were forced to close things down after being reduced to ten men. Poor Adrian got himself into a comical tangle trying to dribble out from the back and then handled the ball outside his box. Things got even worse for the Hammers after Andy Carroll injured his ankle but bravely stayed on the field despite being almost totally immobile.

With the Hammers effectively reduced to nine men, the spectacle became like scenes from the 60s movie classic Zulu as wave upon wave of marauding Southampton warriors laid siege on West ham's goal. In the film, which is based upon a true story, a battalion of 150 wounded soldiers successfully holds off an army of 4000 Zulu warriors. Amazingly, the Hammers also held out to earn a brave point with a long list of heroic performances including Alex Song and Cheik Kouyate at the helm. However, Sam's men are now down to the bare bones for next weekend's FA cup clash away to West brom.

As for Southampton, they will feel disappointed to have only managed a point after fortune provided them with such a massive numerical advantage.

Wednesday 11 February 2015

Will somebody please explain the phrase 'wind up' to Van Gaal...

I think he's yanking your chain mate
No doubt Sir Alex Ferguson will be sharing the fun with his old friend Big Sam after his stunningly effective pee-pulling comments about long ball Man United provoked the gullible Netherlander to produce a dossier in defence of his ineffective tactics!

Some fans have suggested that the crafty old trickster should try the same stunt on Saints boss Ronald Koeman ahead of tonights clash. However, more sensitive fans have expressed concerns that Allardyce might be fined by UEFA for the crime of 'Dutch-abuse' due to his deliberate exploitation of our irony-deficient European neighbours!

In further developments, the frequently ridiculous Pierre Van Hooijdonk has rushed to Van Gaal's defence labelling a host of English managers "clowns". Van Hooijdonk, who previously invested £2,000,000 in a non-existent Chinese company, included Allardyce, Ron Atkinson and Dave Bassett in his circus of clowns!

God help Sam when Jose Mourinho finds out that he has been copying his moves!

Tuesday 10 February 2015

Hammers To Receive Massive Financial Windfall

Tomka puts on a brave face after the incident
In the aftermath of West Ham's (almost) famous thrashing of Manchester United on Sunday, it has emerged that the club are likely to be quids-in as they are set to receive a massive financial windfall.

While many fans were left choking on their cornflakes with yesterday morning's revelations that Marouane Fellaini had broken James Tomkins nose, later in the day it emerged that the canny East End club have heavily insured the dishy star's honker.

Dangerously out of control

In arrangements similar to those that exist for Rory McIlroy's arms and Maria Sharapova's legs, Tomkins' facial features are valued in the gazzilions. even though surgeons should be able to save his general appearance, it is thought that the compo will be considerable.

Tomka, who has a habit of hitting the news in the immediate aftermath of Man United games, is said to be recovering and set to continue his excellent form of late as the Hammers prepare to avenge their home defeat against Southampton from earlier this season.

Monday 9 February 2015

Premiership Football Club Seeks Oversized Chanteuse

We battered them for 92 minutes. Yes indeed, Manchester United were truly outplayed - leaving this observer wondering "are they that bad or have we gotten that good"

and then they scored a stooopid goal in injury time to snatch a draw.

Total injustice. Total. We do not expect such happenings under Big Sam where you usually get more than you deserve and conceding late goals is supposed to be a freak occurence.

This season we have done it against Spurs, Everton and now Man United - all matches that we would have 'appreciated' winning.

Rumour has it that Sam is looking for a fat lady so the guys can practice keeping up the defensive shutters until she breaks into song.

One final thought.....was this injury-time concession as annoying as the Stevie G FA Cup final one in 2006?


Sunday 8 February 2015

Fivebellies on Standby as Ravel's Travels Continue

In breaking news ahead of the visit of his former club to Upton Park, Ravel Morrison's West Ham contract has been terminated with immediate effect.

The development is likely to be the start of a planned sequence that will culminate in his movibg to pastures new with Lazio in Rome.

The Italian outfit are well versed in the antics of volatile English footballers having hosted Paul Gascoigne and his loyal minder Jimmy 'fivebellies' Gardner during the 1990s

Moreover, as the home club of Hammer's legend Paolo Di Canio, the Roman outfit have special experience in dealing with unpredictable talent.

They will be needing all that experience and probably more as they try to succeed where Man United, West Ham, Birmingham City, QPR and Cardiff have failed.

Maybe Fivebellies can advise? Ultimately, Gazza's time at Lazio was relatively stable in comparison to what followed.

Either way, we wish Ravel the best and, yes, we won't forget that wonderful goal against Tottenham.

Hawking Revelation: How Hammers Will Overcome Man United

Guess who's back in town? Yep, the Devils are here with their new manager Louis Van Ghoul demanding a victory from his overpaid and underperforming stars.

 The bad news is that the Hammers are experiencing another injury black hole in the centre of their defence (remember last season against Forest and City - yeuuuchhhh!) with both Winston Reid and James Collins amongst the wounded after the disappointing defeat to Liverpool last weekend.

Reports suggest that the Hammers may be forced to play the uber-flexible Joey O'Brien in centre back thus providing him with a rare chance to shine in front of the cameras as the splendid form of Carl Jenkinson and Aaron Cresswell has kept the dependable Irishman on the bench for most of this season

Up front the news is not good either, as Andy Sumo has gotten himself injured again and will likely miss the game.

While for Manchester United, this will be an ideal chance for Dwayne Rooney to open his 2015 scoring account. Rooney has scored more goals against West Ham than all of the other London clubs added together, probably!

Ominously, Paddy Power has the Hammers at 14-5 to win, with odds for a draw at 5-2, but football is a funny old times even hilarious!

 But Adrian will be ready...

And, of course, Diafra Sakho may have something to say about what happens out there today.

And, of course, the world's cleverest man has told us that black holes don't really exist..

And then he changed his mind, sort of.

Saturday 7 February 2015

West Ham edge it in close tussle with Man United

Ahead of today's crunch Premiership clash between West Ham and Manchester United we consider a team comprised of players who have played for both clubs - the impressive ‘West Man United XI’. Ultimately, we ask, will these performers be considered Hammers or Devils?

At Man United he failed to inspire confidence - epitomised by ‘the goal that never was’. Joined West Ham in 2005 after falling out over a lack of first team opportunities. Had a good initial season but sustained a back injury in Jan 2006 and slipped into a variety of difficulties that ultimately earned him a place in the ‘Troubled Bubbles XI’! Verdict Neither.

Hammers debut at the tender age of 17, Rio soon forced his way into the first team squad where he continued to impress until Leeds paid a record 18 million for him in November 2000. Quickly moved to Man United where he has been a fantastic servant for a decade and was key to the many successes of the past decade.Too old to make a fairytale return to the Boleyn he is helping QPR back into the Championship. Verdict Devil.

8 appearances for Man United where he was never really given a chance. A bargain signing for 500K for West ham that led to a five year career and over 100 appearances . Versatile defender who had his finest hour when scoring twice in a 4-0 victory over Man United in 2010. Ran out of road as the Hammers regrouped after relegation and moved to Birmingham. Verdict: Hammer.

Top man. Signed from Cork Athletic in 1952. Noel enjoyed a fruitful 8 years at West Ham with 250 appearances. Captained the Hammers to promotion back to the top flight for the first time in almost 30 years in 1958 . Sold to man Utd for almost 30K in 1960 where he captained a cup winning side and was part of two league winning teams. Verdict Hammer.
More than a century ago both clubs were graced with the contributions of this scottish forward who between 1900-3 scored 41 goals in 78 appearances for the Hammers, including four on his debut! A subsequent spell at Man United delivered 13 goals in 29 games, before he returned to the Hammers for 5 more years. The status of players at the time is highlighted by the fact that his date of death is unknown! Hammer

Industrious and gamey, the 'Guvnor' was a top performer in the Hammers shirt after replacing Billy Bonds in 1987. However, mishandled his Hammers departure that included being photographed in a Man United shirt well before the deal was confirmed. Probably did not deserve the criticisms thrown his way by Fergie and after 6 years and over 200 appearances. Verdict: Devil.

Another one thrown in as a teenager at 17 into the Hammers first team. Skilful but perhaps a little ‘ghosty’ at times. Happy to do the unglamorous work and stayed loyal after relegation in 2003 before losing patience and moving to Spurs for £3.5 Million and then Man United where he has never quite stepped up to the lead role in midfield predicted for him. Solid. Verdict Devil.

Trouble with a capital T during his time at Man United, Fergie tired of his disciplinary problems and Big Sam obliged for a mere 650K. Initially farmed out for a season to grow up at Birmingham City, 'Raveldo' seemed to be realising his potential until a number of spats and 'disappointing' loan periods at QPR and Cardiff. Considered by many to be the most naturally skillful English player since Gazza? Verdict Neither!

A hero wherever he roamed throughout his career (even Millwall!). Arrived at Man United late in his career but proved another astute Fergie signing and achieved legendary status in stoppage time of the 1999 Champions League final. Came to the Hammers not far short of pension age but still had plenty to offer by virtue of his excellent footballing brain. Has revolutionised Allardyce's attack as forwards coach. Verdict Both.

Played in a different era when United were not quite the same powerhouse they are now but picked up a cup winners medal, scoring in the 1977 final against lovely Liverpool. Moved to the Hammers in 1979 after a nasty knee injury but still managed to play a major part in the 1980 Cup final victory over Arsenal, teeing up Trevor Brooking’s ‘stunning’ header! Verdict Both.

Arrived to the Boleyn in 2006 as part of a bizarre deal. He then underperformed for two-thirds of a season of Carlos in a lacklustre side until it all clicked into gear for the final 10 games where he couldn’t stop scoring, including a legendary final day 1-0 win at Old Trafford to keep the Hammers up! The Apache had some classy moments in the United shirt but got sidetracked by his own ego needs and then moved across the city in another strange transfer deal!!!!.Verdict Hammer.

Final score 5-4 to the Hammers! A crucial boost ahead of today's game. COYI!!!