Sunday 26 February 2017

West Ham Fall Victim to Fake News

All Football fans are the same aren't they - Thuggish lager swilling louts with a penchant for unprovoked violence and crap food.

Err, no apparently! A highly scientific fans' poll has identified the preferred hobbies of followers of each of the Premiership clubs, with some incredible results!

First up, Hammers' fans apparently like nothing better than to curl up beside the fire with a warm cup of Ovaltine and get stuck into some Sudoku!!! Yes - it appears that the party life is not for us. Amazing stuff, that's hard to believe especially when you look at what rival fans are allegedly up to when they aren't irrationally screaming for their preferred footy favourites:

Both Arsenal and Palace fans like a bit of chess - hipster types that they are. For Palace fans, chess is probably more thrilling than watching the typical 4-6-0 formation employed by Allardici.

Man United like their managers just like to go shopping - presumably for overpaid has been players like Schweinsteiger and I-Zlatan.

Bizarrely, Chelsea fans like to spend time with their family (those that haven't been disowned that is) while Man City fans like to jog. Everton fans like to drink - a pastime that will undoubtedly increase when Romelu Lukaku inevitably leaves this Summer!

West Brom fans love a bit of bingo - a nice extension of the boring football by numbers they endure under Tony Pulis!

Stoke fans like to indulge in a bit of gardening, Southampton fans like to play with kites and, picture this, Foxes fans like to draw.

In the unexpectedly 'cool' bracket are Bournemouth fans who like to engage in birdwatching, while Burnley fans like to DJ - presumably in the burgeoning local club scene!

Spuds fans like pool, while there was no preferred hobby for Watford fans, one suspects because the pollsters couldn't find any.

Meanwhile down at the bottom end of the table Sunderland and Middlesboro fans are united in their preference for DIY - undoubtedly both sets of fans often believe they'd be better off playing for the team themselves than leaving up to their underperforming stars.

Ironically, Hull fans like board games. That's board, not bored, although both could readily apply.

Is this just another example of what Humpty Trumpty refers to as Fake News? Or is it time for the match programme to include a new section to appease the Sudoku needs of our fanbase.



Saturday 25 February 2017

Hammers Ready to Sting Hornets

A Hammers win today for sure, Ted!

Thank God the FA Cup break is over - even though the heroics of Lincoln and (ahem) Millwall made for entertaining viewing, the absence of Hammers activity was frustrating. Anyhow, today Bilic's boys are heading across London to seek revenge against a Watford side that inflicted an embarrassing 4-2 defeat on the Hammers earlier in the season. Seemingly coasting at 2-0 up, West Ham then suddenly fell apart - with their defensive frailties cruelly exposed by the angry Hornets.

The word is that Superslav has been focusing on defensive training during the Dubai warm weather break and will be hoping to keep it tight at the back today. Presumably, jose Fonte and Woinston Reid will be getting well used to each other by now and

With ongoing debate about Andy Carroll's groin strain most experienced Hammers fans will wearily concede that the big man will be out again today. With Diafra Sakho still at least a fortnight short of returning, SuperSlav will probably go with Michail Antonio up top with Feghouli, Lanzini and Snodgrass supporting from midfield.

With Sam Byram back in the reckoning, Cheik Kouyate will move centrally into midfield with the unthinkable possible - Captain Claret on the bench!!! Word is that Bilic will stick with Darren Randolph in goal despite an under par performance against the Baggies that allowed two soft goals to the otherwise totally outplayed visitors to the London Stadium a fortnight ago.

'Mystic' Mark gave Hammers fans a prematch boost by predicting that Watford will coast home by two clear goals at 2-0. Meanwhile, Paddy Poormaker agrees giving odds of 15/8 against a Hammers win - even though Slav's troops have won six of their last ten games, including three away wins!

Maura Zarate may get the chance to say hello to his former team mates as he is available for the Hornet, while Pedro Obiang will be looking to impress in front of his former Fiorentina boss now governing Watford, Walter Mazzarri.

Sunday 19 February 2017

Hammers Star Breaking Bad in Hat Trick Heroics!

In shock developments it has emerged that the West Ham squad are finding their mid-term break at a £500 a night luxury resort in Dubai both energising and a valuable boost to team morale! Michail Antonio has released pictures of the trip that capture the relaxed atmosphere within the group - so relaxed that some of the players have taken to trying out a variety of costumes and other fun paraphernalia!

Robert Snodgrass appeared for the evening meal adorned in a semi-frilled shirt that would fit perfectly on any Shakespearean thespian, while our main striker looks to have recovered from his groin strain and has turned out in perfect Andy-Cap pose. Meanwhile, chief netminder Dazza Randolph looks like he is ready to head out for  a game of polo with a piece that looks like a horseriding helmet!

However, undoubtedly the star of the show is breaking bad wannabe James 'Heisenberg' Collins with a superb wide-brimmed number. Ginge is taking no risks in the hot desert climate as he does not want to ruin the trip by needing to visit the local burns unit. Meanwhile, Sam Byram is doing a pretty decent Jesse Pinkman impersonation.

Happy days - let's hope the break brings a solid push up the table starting with a win against Watford.

Friday 17 February 2017

Hammers Ready to Swoop for Rakitic

Please can I play in your team Mr Bilic...

As the rumours of discontent in the Barcelona camp continue to gather pace, a major focus has been the apparent falling out between manager Luis Enrique and star midfielder Ivan Rakitic. The Croatian dynamo has found himself largely excluded from the starting XI over the past two months and despite putting a brave face on in the media, it is known that his agent is exploring options beyond the Nou Camp with a host of Premiership clubs interested.

Rakitic is an experienced international with over 80 caps and was Croatian footballer of the year in 2015. Although he grew up and represented Switzerland all the way up to U21 level, he was persuaded by Slaven Bilic to declare for Croatia in 2007. The pair enjoyed a successful relationship for five years until Bilic moved into club management in 2012.

Rakitic is now reaching the prime of his career at 28 years old and although his contract runs until 2019 he is reported as deeply unhappy at Barca, with many observers struggling to comprehend exactly why he has fallen out of favour. To add insult to injury, Rakitic was brought on during Tuesday's mauling by PSG in the 73rd minute after the game had ended with the Parisians ahead at 4-0.

West Ham have indicate a determination to bolster their squad this Summer and with the attacking midfield now firing well with Lanzini, Snodgrass, Antonio and Feghouli all offering options, attentions are likely to turn to the engine where Rakitic is a world beater. Moreover, the acquisition of a mobile ball-winning midfielder would free up Cheik Kouyate to return to his previous more offensive role in the side.

With Man City and Chelsea all watching carefully, Hammers fans will be warmed by the reminder that Rakitic has a favourite English club - having revealed in 2015 that he would love to see West Ham win the Premiership. 

As this crazy season continues to unfold it looks like circumstances are moving towards a new Bilic-Rakitic partnership at the Olympic Stadium for the 2017-18 season.


Wednesday 15 February 2017

Hammers Provide Fun For All The Family!!!

Nearly 10,000 West Ham United supporters enjoyed a record breaking Family Fun Day at London Stadium – the biggest free fan event in the Club’s history.
Arranged during half term to give thousands of avid Hammers of all ages the opportunity to watch their heroes train up close, the Family Fun Day saw fans flock from all over the country to London Stadium.
West Ham’s commitment to affordable family football meant a children’s season ticket for the inaugural season at London Stadium was just £99, with adult prices starting at £289. As a result, the Club has almost 10,000 Junior Season Ticket holders, many of whom were in the crowd for the history-making event.
Slaven Bilic put his players through their paces, with captain Mark Noble, top-scorer Michail Antonio and new signings Jose Fonte and Robert Snodgrass all impressing the crowd, while Andy Carroll and Aaron Cresswell chatted about the day on the giant screens.
Following the training session, the squad took part in a series of light-hearted challenges, cheered on by supporters, before posing for the biggest team photo in West Ham United history - which incorporated every player, fan and member of staff present at the Family Fun Day.
This was followed by the squad then joining a group of 300 lucky Junior Hammers for a Junior Party on the indoor running track at London Stadium, fully equipped with a disco, face-painting, table-tennis tables, a FIFA station and also enjoyed the opportunity to stage their very own press conference with the manager Bilic and captain Noble.
Noble said: “We don’t get many opportunities to say thank you to the supporters, but today provided the perfect opportunity to show how much we appreciate them and the incredible support they have given us home and away this season.
“You could tell by the smiles on the lads’ faces how much they were enjoying it and I think it’s important for us to thank the fans for all their efforts, because wherever we go, they’re always there giving us their full support.
“Hopefully we’ve generated some good memories for them to take away. If you think about Andy’s wonder goal against Crystal Palace or Reidy’s last-minute winner against Sunderland, we’ve already had some great days here at London Stadium and today was right up there with them.”
Manager Bilic said: “I am never surprised by how passionate and devoted our fans are – and today was another example of that. When I first heard about the Family Fun Day, I was excited and to get 10,000 turn up is really something special.
“Today just further proves how important West Ham is to the community, so for us to be able to say thank you, and show our appreciation, of course we are happy.”
Reflecting on the hugely successful day, Vice-chairmen Karren Brady said: “Today’s Family Fun Day was another shining example of our ongoing commitment to the supporters who have been so exceptional in our first year here at London Stadium.
“We wanted to ensure that as many families and young children could attend, so having the opportunity to host the Fun Day totally free of charge and during the February half-term was ideal, and to have nearly 10,000 attendees was incredible.
“I am absolutely delighted at the success of the Family Fun Day and, judging by all the smiling faces, our young supporters certainly had a great time and will take away countless treasured memories.”
When all is said and done, we are still a family club committed to family values.

Tomkins Not Royalty at the Palace

Reports today suggest that ex-Hammer James Tomkins has fallen out with Eagles fans after Palace slipped ever closer to relegation at the weekend. Apparently frustrated with the strong and persistent criticism of the team, Tomkins verbally remonstrated with fans in the time-honoured way. Tomkins has done well since his surprise £10 million move last Summer but subsequent events have demonstrated how the move was bad business for West Ham as they have greatly missed his versatility.

With Palace's Premiership position ever more precarious
and West Ham still struggling for cover at right back
and James Collins well into the autumn of his career
and Jose Fonte no spring chicken at 33 years of age
and the fact that Tomkins is clearly too good for Chumpionship football
and the need to infuse the squad with a sense of local identity after the Payet saga
and the fact that Tomkins would almost certainly jump at a return to his boyhood club (is that enough reasons?),
we suspect that the Summer will see Tonks do a boomerang.

Just saying...


Tuesday 14 February 2017

Captain Claret Commits for all of Eternity...

In developments that are in no way surprising, Captain Claret Mark Noble has revealed that he plans to remain at West Ham for all of eternity. Having finally graduated as a Hammers legend, Noble is expected to sign up to a new 325 year playing contract at the club. Fans have expressed their delight at what is widely perceived as only ample reward for his many years of loyalty and commitment.

While some critics have expressed surprise at the length of the contract, club sources have revealed their logic “Mark’s agent explained to us that he has Timelord abilities and thus the capacity to represent the Hammers ad infinitum and simultaneously across time. As you might expect we were initially quite sceptical but a search of club records provided conclusive proof of Marks repeated presence at the club over its full history”

Rumours have been circulating for some time that Noble’s commitment to West Ham is so great that he has appeared for the Hammers in a number of previous incarnations that predate his 'official' first team debut in 2004. Here below, for example, he is with the Cup winners cup winning team – unbelievably back then the young Noble was reimbursed at a mere two shillings and sixpence a year for his pre-Bosman efforts!

And again, here (back row, left), turning out for an early Thames ironworks side – Noble is readily recognised by his trademark nonchalant sideways glance

And here arriving at Wembley with fellow West Ham fans arriving for the 1923 FA Cup final pitch invasion. This incarnation was unusually untalented at soccer and therefore expressed his club devotion by leading the ironically named ‘casuals’

At a press conference earlier today Mark was able to reveal some startling developments in football into the future. As the Captain of our famous future three in a row Eurozone championship team in 2145, he noted “It’s all got so much easier since Man United and Chelsea abandoned football altogether and became a space basketball team”

Sadly, Noble's special abilities do not allow him to influence referees and as such Michael Oliver's outrageously poor performance at the weekend will stand and the Hammers recent push towards a much-deserved European place will remain stunted by the series of incomprehensible decisions that allowed the Sagging Baggies to seize an undeserved draw. There are some things that even a timelord cannot do.

Saturday 11 February 2017

Carroll to Feature Against Baggies but Defence is the Key for Hammers

The mood is good at Planet Hammers right now with 6 wins in the last nine and plenty of the first team hitting good form. Perched in 9th position in the league, Slaven Bilic's men are 5 points behind today's opponents West Brom.

Looking at the overall table, Slaven Bilic was coy during Thursday's press conference when asked what final position/points haul he was hoping for, identifying 40 points as 'the first target'. With Man United 14 points clear of the Hammers in sixth, a European spot looks a tall task.

In team news, the big question has been whether Andy Carroll will play today. On that subject Bilic was not able to offer a definitive response but confirmed that Carroll has not trained all week.

However, David Gold has hinted on twitter that the big man will appear at some point and with Gareth Southgate likely to visit fir a look at Carroll (and Antonio) and the prospect of a Dubai break to follow Bilic may be tempted to take a risk.

Meanwhile, Cheik Kouyate looks set to continue at right back and along with Aaron Cresswell will hold the key to today's encounter. The Baggies are tough customers under Pulis and with Matt Philips and Nacer Chadli out wide can be a real attacking threat as the Hammers discovered at the Hawthorns earlier this season where they were 4-0 down just after half time. A spirited comeback was quelled by the intelligent Pulis and the game ended in a frustrating 4-2 defeat for Bilic.

Pulis likes to defend on numbers and hit opponents on the break. West ham will thus need to be patient and draw the Baggies out or else risk a repeat of the Hawthorns visit. West Brom are also potent from set pieces so the Hammers will be hoping that Jose Fonte and Winston Reid are getting to know eachother quickly in order to organise what is still a makeshift defence. If not, Soloman Rondon will be waiting!

However, West Brom haven't won away to the Hammers in their last 7 visits - with 2 defeats and 5 draws during that time. The pundits are predicting a draw which is understandable but with the Hammers on a run and Snoddy looking to open his account, we reckon the Hammers might shade it.


Tuesday 7 February 2017

Twenty-Plus Goal Per Season Striker To Return to Hammers?

Back in 2013 a young 18 year old forward joined the West Ham youth squad from Waterford United in the League of Ireland. Sean Maguire was considered to be a major prospect after a series of prolific seasons in Irish football and was snapped up by the Hammers. With a style reminiscent of Tony Cottee, Maguire was even likened to Lionel Messi by his youth coach at Waterford!

However, it never quite worked out at West Ham and he was let go at the end of 2015 after loan periods at Colchester, Sligo Rovers and Accrington. Maguire's shoot at the limelight looked to have slipped away.

However, after a bedding in season at Dundalk in 2015 he moved to Cork City at the start of last season and finally at 22 years of age found his stride. Maguire was top scorer in the Airtricity Premier League last year with 18 goals and managed a total of 28 goals in 43 appearances for the club last year, not surprisingly making the Premier League team of the year. Maguire has also become a regular in the Republic of Ireland's under 21 team and talk is of a return to England.

Who knows, maybe he might make a triumphant return to the Hammers? Either way, as an Ex-Hammer we wish him the very best for the coming season.


Monday 6 February 2017

Hammers Look to Have Dodged Another Bullet

West Ham wasted a large part of last season's Summer transfer market trying to lure Colombian striker Carlos Bacca to the Olympic Stadium. Their efforts proved in vain as Bacca repeatedly snubbed the club and seemed to be manipulating for a better position at AC Milan, where he ultimately remained.
Then, as West Ham floundered in the early part of the season, Bacca hit fine goalscoring form and it seemed that the Londoners had missed out on a big opportunity to finally push on to the next level. However, things have turned sour as despite scoring the goal of the month for January with a delightful strike against Juventus in the Cup, Bacca has scored only once in open play in the League since last September.
His relationship with coach Vincenzo Montella has deteriorated as Bacca comes under increasing criticism for his 'lazy' style as he is a classic striker who operates almost exclusively off the shoulder of the opposing defence or inside the penalty box, contributing almost negligibly to other aspects of play - an attribute that would be unpopular in the all-action Premiership!
Bacca has only completed three games out of seventeen, and appears to be dropping down the pecking order at Milan after yet another bust up with the coach as he was substituted at the weekend. Hammers fans had better brace themselves for another will he-won't he centering upon Bacca come Summertime, but given his style and attitude perhaps they need to look for a younger talent as he will be 31 years old come the start of next season. 

January...A Great Time for Gym Owners, Santa's Elves and Agents of Dodgy Players

As David Gold was quick to point out recently, West Ham were the fourth highest spenders on new players in the January window yet. What he didn't mention though was that from a business perspective with the sale of Dimitri Payet we were the fourth highest beneficiaries in terms of our balance sheet as we made a cool 8 million profit. Add to that the offloading of the Payet and Zaza wage bills and we came out (financially) smiling!

However, we lack proper cover at right back and yet again failed to bring in a decent proven back up striker for Andy Carroll. Already Sam Byram has hit the deck and realistically you would have to accept that Big Andy has not maintained fitness for more than three months in years. With Diafra Sakho similarly injury prone we are down to Ashley Fletcher and Jonathan Calleri. Hmmm.

Were the board wise to keep their cash back until the Summer? Past experience would certainly suggest so. A Fanvoice poll of the worst ever January signings has rated two Hammers in the top five!!! Under the Gianfranco Zola regime Savio Nsereko was a befuddling waste of £10 million who left after six months and 11 disastrous appearances and was voted fifth worst ever January signing! Meanwhile, Andy Carroll's £38 million move from Newcastle to Liverpool, which was followed by a disastrous 18 month goal drought at Anfield, was voted second worst! The 'winner' was Fernando Torres as Liverpool balanced their books by offloading him to Chelsea for £50 million!

Strangely, neither Benni McCarthy nor Mido got a mention! However, with the Hammers pretty much safe from relegation but hopelessly adrift of the top six, and having exited both cup competitions, an objective business head would say to hold back the cash until the much better value of the Summer transfer window is upon us.

Did anybody really believe that Scott Hogan was worth £15 million?


Sunday 5 February 2017

Were Marseille Eastended in Payet Transfer?

Olympic Marseille seemed to have picked up a bargain when they snapped up Dimitri Payet from West Ham for a cut-price £25 million during the transfer window. Having in no way influenced the player before his one man strike, both club and player looked smug as they released pictures of him undergoing a medical having returned home the hero!

Only a week later and things seem to have turned nasty! Marseille continue to struggle for form and lost 1-0 to lowly Metz on Friday night. So unimpressed with Mr Payet were the footy afficionados at L'Equipe that they posted a derogatory cartoon of him with a pudgy pudding belly! Some fans have even suggested that we have sent them Benni McCarthy renamed as 'Gimi a Pie-Eh?' instead of the lithe midfield talisman!

We have translated the piece which is a low hit and suggests that Dimitri may have gotten overly fond of his Pie n Mash while training with the development squad during his want-away strike campaign.

Meanwhile, the Hammers are playing with a Joie de Vive that was visibly absent before Payet's departure and look more solid with Snodgrass' huge work rate to compliment his creativity. The elder statesmen of the team have stepped up their game and suddenly Andy Carroll and Winston Reid look like the leaders we have been lacking in the 'get the ball to Dimitri' game plan we were using up until now.

It sure is a funny old world - especially when you are talking about team sports!


Saturday 4 February 2017

Obiang Heavily Criticised after Southampton Showing

A pathetic 2/10 for Pedro
He may have picked up the MOTM award for a performance of relentless domination and that included a Payet-esque assist followed by his first goal for the club, but Pedro Obiang left Hammers fans in disbelief and disappointment with his strangely limp goal celebration.

After failing to find the onion sack in his previous 54 appearances, he had taken on the Guy Demel position of mystery goal celebration man! Demel, who managed a single goal in 76 appearances turned out to have a chest thumping celebration routine that was awarded a modest 4/10 by a special football theatrics panel.

Many fans had speculated that Demel might have a Victor Obinna-style somersault routine and were disappointed by the lack of creativity displayed  by the Ivorian right back. Similarly, Obiang seemed to freeze and just wait for his teammates to bail him out by surrounding him with hugs and the like. Pedro's stoicism was all the more surprising given that the strike was from well outside the box and perfectly placed beyond Fraser Forster in the Saints goal.

Bilic and co will really have to look at the intensity of goal celebrations on the training ground next week as its clear that the Hammers are free scoring ever since the burden of always having to pass the ball to Dimitri ended.

Obiang will be pleased with his goal as it cemented a series of excellent performances over the past 6 weeks that have seen him rise from utility player to  definite first team starter.

Let's hope there are many more goals to follow and that he works on his celebration routine!

Lanzini Benched as Snoddy Gets Full Debut for Hammers

Sam Byram is out and its back to makeshift defence for Bilic's men. Manny Lanzini is relegated to the bench as Robert Snodgrass gets his full debut. Southampton's big January signing Manolo Gabbiadini starts.

West Ham United
1. Darren Randolph
8. Cheikhou Kouyate
2. Winston Reid
23. Jose Fonte
30. Michail Antonio
14. Pedro Obiang
16. Mark Noble
3. Aaron Cresswell
7. Sofiane Feghouli
9. Andy Carroll
11. Robert Snodgrass
Subs: 10. Manuel Lanzini, 13. Adrian, 19. James Collins, 24. Ashley Fletcher, 28. Jonathan Calleri
31. Edimilson Fernandes, 36. Domingos Quina

1. Fraser Forster
2. Cedric Soares
24. Jack Stephens
3. Maya Yoshida
21. Ryan Bertrand
16. James Ward-Prowse
14. Oriol Romeu
8. Steven Davis
19. Sofiane Boufal
20. Manolo Gabbiadini
9. Jay Rodriguez
4. Jordy Clasie
5. Florin Gardos
7. Shane Long
22. Nathan Redmond
23. Pierre-Emile Hojbjerg
28. Stuart Taylor
38. Sam McQueen

French Turn Against Pie-eh? Already

Roughly translated as 'who ate all the puddings'
Mon Dieu! Poor old Dimitri Payet - we promised not to mention him again but it's just too damn juicy to pass on the fact that having returned 'home' to France, he now finds that the media are mocking him because of his ...ahem....portly demeanour!

As the major sports publication en France, L'Equipe played a major role in the whole dastardly betrayal of West Ham, but has shown it's colours with a hurtful cartoon in today's paper - accusing poor old Dimitri of eating too much pudding during his time away!

Clearly they haven't even bothered to research the preferred diet of the East End region and at no point mention the local delicacy of pie n mash!

Payet has yet to play a full game for Marseille and after two substitute appearances has had little useful impact and Marseille remain stuck just above mid table in Ligue 1.

Training with the West Ham crew

If he flops at Marseille then we can be sure that there will be loads of clubs happy to take him on at a cut price, but neither St Etienne nor West Ham are likely to be in the queue for the jellied little eel!

Hammers Fans Finally Give Zaza What He Needs

After a wholly unimpressive 5 months at West Ham profligate striker Simone Zaza is still all talk and no action. In an effort to explain away his failure to deliver a single goal during his time in the Premiership, he has put it down to culture (?), environment (?), nutrition and training! nowhere in that is any acknowledgement of what was obvious to fans - who had to endure his poor first touch, mindless runs off the ball and poor finishing - that he lacked the necessary quality to hack it in the top league!

Speaking candidly, he explained "When I got there I found a different method of training: you exercise less, sometimes the sessions last 40 minutes and almost immediately I didn’t feel good. I need to train more, for someone to kick my arse".

Funny how he didn't mention that while he was actually at West Ham as no doubt there would have been a long queue of fans only too happy to oblige!

Interestingly, Zaza has yet to score since his move to Valencia - I suppose that'll be the hot climate and paella to blame!


Wednesday 1 February 2017

City at Full Strength While Parker is Out for West Ham

There was a time (2007-2012 to be precise) when the absence of Captain Fantastic Scott Parker would have been devastating to West Ham's chance of getting a result. However, time moves on, and it's the absence of Peter Parker AKA Spiderman that threatens the Hammers hopes of getting a smile out of tonight's clash with the Blue Moonies.

The last time the Moonies visited the London stadium they dished out an almighty 5-0 hiding to a lacklustre Hammers. The night that had virtually nothing to redeem it until in the 87th minute two pranksters entered the field dressed as Spiderman and a generic cosplayer and proceeded to re-enact Man City's soft penalty that opened their account and tilted what had been a tight game up until then in their favour. 

With pitch invasion now condemned by the authorities and legally considered equivalent to trespassing since 1991, Spidey and his mate await their punishment and are unlikely to be in any position to offer a repeat performance to cheer the crowd if Man City produce another demolition job. with Aguero and Toure both fit and ready to play, it'll be a baptism of fire for Fonte and Snodgrass (can we call him Snods or Snoddy yet?)

BTW even at the grand old age of 36 years and three months Scott Parker is still putting in the performances for Fulham - more than 20 so far this season!

As for VERYWESTHAM, we'll be watching the game from Leamington before going to see top Man City fan Mark E Smith and the fall bash out a few tunes. Word is that the Fall are on stage at 9.45....that should give them just enough time to catch Michail Antonio's injury time winner?

Confirmed Teams:

West Ham: Randolph, Byram, Reid, Fonte, Cresswell, Noble, Obiang, Feghouli, Lanzini, Antonio, Carroll. Subs: Adrian, Snodgrass, Collins, Fletcher, Calleri, Fernandes, Quina

Manchester City: Caballero, Sagna, Stones, Otamendi, Kolarov, De Bruyne, Toure, Sane, Silva, Jesus. Subs: Bravo, Kompany, Zabaleta, Aguero, Navas, Delph, Fernandinho




Hammers to Re-Sign Poyet?

SuperSlav starts the revolution!
One of the more disappointing non-successes of recent times was the failure of young Diego Poyet to make the grade at the highest level. Son of Gus, he featured in a video for transformers as the cream of young British footballing talent and looked destined for greatness when West Ham captured him from Charlton in 2013.

However, Diego never quite made the grade - suffering from Big Sam's over-reliance on experienced players and was not favoured by SuperSlav when he took over the reigns. After just ten appearances, half of which were in the Europa League, he departed last Summer.

Since then, he has failed to nail down a decent contract and is on the loose at present with a number of Premiership sides interested, including Swansea and Hull City. Having met the lad a few times he comes across as a real gentleman and wherever he goes next we all wish him the very best. At 21 years of age, he remains an excellent prospect.

As West Ham face into the challenge of erasing Dimitri Payet from our memories, perhaps the return of Poyet would provide much-needed extra cover in midfield and would also be an ideal opportunity to rebrand all those replica shirts!


Major Purge Begins at Olympic Stadium

It's official, a certain person never existed. The last decent French player to grace the Claret n Blue was Julien Faux-Pas, and nobody can think of any since.

The Olympic Stadium this morning has a new mural - of Andy Carroll's wonderstrike against Crystal Palace. I think there was a picture of Leon Trotsky there before that, probably.

For just like Stalin's dreaded purges, we have airbrushed a certain player out of our memories.

Just one problem, what should we do with all the Dimitri Payet merchandise that we have, or the replica shirts ruined forever by the name of (now) another club's player?

P.S. whatever else, Andy's goal is worthy of a mural though, isn't it - bloody great timing by the big man!


Tightwad Hammers on edge of Premiership Spending Relegation Zone

Huff...puff...huff...puff...and then we don't deliver. So it seems is the recurring pattern of all our recent transfer windows. After the 'excitement' of last night's window closing, a quick analysis shows that West Ham made a net profit of £7million with their January business thus placing them in 17th in the net spending tables!

Below us were Chelsea - by virtue of the £60 million sale of Oscar, Man united who had a bloated squad in need of pruning and Watford who obviously feel that this season is now a dead rubber and are looking to build in the Summer - a philosophy one suspects that the astute businessmen who run our club have also succumbed to. The word from Sky was that Mr Sullivan told the club to turn off the fax machines at 8pm and go home - do they really still ise fax machines?

We are ten points short of the magic 38 needed to survive but last night's results showed that the relegation battle could get lively as Palace, Swansea et al pulled off unexpected results. We failed to get a striker or a right back - acquisitions that even the tea lady knows we desperately need!

Although this is all very disappointing (again), we all know that January rarely brings anything except more rubbish that ultimately needs to be offloaded to the charity shop.

With Sakho back in training and Fletcher looking promising (albeit without scoring too often) and Calleri having hinally opened his account, and the ever-dependable Antonio capable of filling in as a decent striker, maybe Bilic and the Davids got it right.

Did anyone realky believe Scott Hogan was 'the one' to replace Dean Ashton as a genuinely scary forward to lead the line?

Maybe its wise to hold back in this inflated market - however, the question is, will we ever actually splash the cash?

Or is Mr Paranoid at the VWH office right when he whines that we are being financially fattened up for a new investor?