Thursday 31 July 2014

Ravel in Foiled Escape Plot!

As West Ham's 'troubled' starlet Ravel 'Raveldo' Morrison is preparing to spend his first night behind bars aftr being refused bail for a charge of assaulting his ex-Girlfriend and her mother, rumours have already emerged that the 'difficult' youngster has already come into conflict with prison authorities with a failed escape bid!

Anybody who has seem Morrison's remarkable ball skills will recognise the challenge containing the star will be for the prison wardens. Not only is Morrison incredibly tricky, with precise and deadly fast feet, he also has a frightening turn of pace that would leave most screws for dead if he gets a sight of goal, sorry freedom.

Some Hammers fans may be hoping that the authorities can keep him locked up for a bit as that may finally serve to knock some sense into the talented but truculent star. The refusal of bail may seem harsh (Innocent until proven guilty should surely come with the freedom to prove your innocenc?) but may well have been linked to his previous issues with interfering with a witness.

Right now, the lad needs support rather than further condemnation. If the allegations turn out to be true and he needs more punishment then we can always arrange another spell at Birmingham City.


Tuesday 29 July 2014

Hammers Sure to Stay Up!

Amid all the current chaos at West Ham with Andy Carroll again on the long-term injury list, and much uncertainty as to whether Winston Reid or Ravel Morrison will sign new contracts, the Bubbles brigade were given a much needed boost earlier this week by ex-Hammer Paulo Futre.

The swashbuckling Portuguese star who arrived at the Boleyn during the Harry Redknapp era, has recenty been helping to promote a new treatment for erectile dysfunction (Libidium Fast) and features in an advertisement where, as the camera watches from behind, he appears to play keepy-uppies with his third leg!

News that the East Londoners have identified a way of ensuring they can stay up will come as bad news for the likes of Burnley, Crystal Palace and QPR who had been counting on another Boleyn implosion as a means of dodging relegation next year.

Check it out at:

Time for the Twits to calm the Twatter

When Messers Sully & Gold first took over West Ham a cousin of mine who has the uneviable burden of supporting Birmingham City commented that we would never have a dull day in the media under their reign. In the interim, there can be no disputing that the media-savvy pair have overseen a huge recovery for the club in terms of league position and finances. Moreover, their cautousness in repect of managing the manager-situation has also been commendable as, for example, they refused to panic when an injury-ravaged West Ham endured a run of harsh defeats early in 2014.

The pair have also managed the almost-mutiny of supporter towards the end of the season when a large poll of fans revealed that most felt Sam Allardyce's time was up. The astute pair responded by appointing Mr Popular Teddy Sheringham as new forwards coach and onwards we marched assured of a more attractive style of play for 2014-15.

But now, Sullivan, Gold and Gold's daughter have been sucked into a media campaign to destabilise West Ham at a key point in the transfer window and as we prepare for the new season. No informed fan could swallow that Sam is solely responsible for signing the injury-blighted Andy Carroll, and in either case there was very little to suggest he would have foot and ankle problems when he signed.

Given the most recent 'revelations' from the Mail - where a (totally) neutral tweet from Goldie's daughter has been blown up as evidence that Sam is about to be sent marching, surely it's time to put a lid on it until the pre-season business is done. We still need cover at full back and another striker or two and no doubt the media rumours wont encourage any ambitious top class players to join a club that appears to be in chaos.

Maybe less is more on this occasion.

Sunday 27 July 2014

West Ham Forward Finally has Something to Smile About

After a pretty quiet first few months on loan at Sligo Rovers, suddenly it has all started to happen for West Ham's striking starlet Sean Maguire. He arrived in late February with a background of prolific goalscoring in Irsih underage and Ireland's second league with Waterford, but struggled to get game time as Sligo have been under pressure to get results.

However, after consecutive substitute appearances against Rosenberg FC in Sligo's record breaking Europa league campaign, Maguire was rewarded with a starting berth against the visiting 'Superblues' of Limerick FC for this evenings Airtricity Premier League clash at Sligo's Showgrounds.

And boy did Maguire take his chance - scoring the crucial deadlock-breaking goal after 84 minutes - and then taking the man of the match award as the Bit O Red ran out 2-0 victors. Still further reason to celebrate as this was his first goal for Sligo in competitive football - happy days all round!

Maguire's loan was initially until the end of July but it seems likely that Sligo will seek to keep a hold of the player - especially now he is finding his feet. However, his contract with West Ham runs until July 2015, so they may want to bring him back to their development squad to scrutinise his performances at closer quarters. Hmmmm.

Either way, it's great to see Sean finding his feet.

Antipodean Adventure Ends with Major Prize

It was a hell of a distance to travel for a couple of pre-season friendlies but after two somewhat embarrassing defeats the Hammers limp home still looking for some hint that they have found some direction towards the all new 'entertaining' style that has been promised.

On Saturday morning the Hammers followed up their 2-1 defeat to Wellington Phoenix with a disappointing 3-1 defeat to Sydney at the WestPac 'Cake tin' stadium in Wellington. The Hammers agan fell behind early, and despite much huffing nd puffing, and a fortunate own goal from the opposition, they just don't seem to have found their stride. Big am was amply frustrated tha he even took to criticisng the new 'attacking' ethos as he blamed the lack of defensive stability for their poor form.

As the rumours continue regarding Winston Reid's future at the club, others have suggested that the New Zealand trip was a clever means of encouraging Reid to remain at the club. It is no great secret that many expect that aongside James Tomkins, Reid can form an enduring central defensive partnership to bring us through the first few years of the Olympic Stadium.

Perhaps the New Zealand trip will prove to be a crucial manoevre over the coming years!


Andy Carroll goes to the Wire

As Andy Carroll recuperates after undergoing specialist ankle surgery in Baltimore, home to the hit series ‘The Wire’,  local Senator - Clay Davis offered some words of wisdom to Hammers fans who are once again reeling as they try to adjust to the reality that as shooting is about to commence for the new season we are again left without our star player.  

In positive news, fellow Wire favourite, Bubbles, who is named after West Ham’s Upton Park mascot, has confirmed that even though Americans traditionally consider soccerball a relatively minor sport, after the interest around their recent world cup success he has every confidence that Andy will be treated like the international sports celebrity he is.

Meanwhile, Danny Gabbidon, who is thought to have played the role of gangsta boss Avon Barksdale in the series, has emphasised the need to bring in reinforcements as soon as possible with a particular emphasis on having adequate cover for the corners and other set pieces that are so integral to the Hammers physically robust Allardycian philosophy as well as running a criminal empire in modern day Urban USA.

While street enforcer Chris Partlow is rumoured to favour a swoop for Romelu Lukaku, boss Marlo Stanfield is excited by the imminent arrival of Enner Valencia. However, Proposition Joe has stunned Hammers fans by suggesting that Benni Mccarthy could return!

As some Hammers fans look for some glimmer of hope, Bunk, the long-suffering work partner of Jimmy McNulty offered his thoughts as to why the problems with Andy Carroll are so frustrating for West ham fans.  
Lester Freamon, the sage old owl of the series has offered words of wisdom to Hammers fans who are na├»ve enough to think that the day will come when we have a fully fit and functional squad, suggesting that we consider diversifying interests (Ed: err – does that mean watching the Daggers from time to time? Or maybe a little cricket?)

Finally, ss Andy prepares to return to East London, Baltimore’s own Robin Hood, sharpshooter Omar Little had a few philosophical thoughts for Hammers fans and the board:

Dedicated to Robert Chew AKA Prop Joe, RIP Jan 2013.

Thursday 24 July 2014

Heartbreak for Hammers Maguire

The whole town of Sligo in North West of Ireland has been buzzing since their local side staged a sensational 2-1 away victory over mighty Rosenberg in the second round of the Europa league qualifiers. The result was also of significance to Hammer fan as our young striking star Sean Maguire has been on loan at Sligo and got to play a part for the final five minutes in Norway.

And maguire got another decent run out this evening as Sligo played hosts for the return leg - hoping they might stage a famous shut out. A capacity crowd of 3,800 turned out for a massively entertaining match.

However, it was not to be and despite going 1-0 up after 13 minutes, Rosenberg's superior passing game prevailed and they slowly chipped away at Sligo's lead before running out 3-1 victors on the night to win the tie 4-3 on aggregate..

Maguire came on after 70 minutes and showed a few nice touches - helping to create two late goalscoring chances for Sligo - experience that will no doubt stand to him when he returns to the Boleyn.

Wouldn't a pre-season Hammers vs Sligo Rovers tie next year be a real treat for all concerned?


Wednesday 23 July 2014

West Ham get Wellington Wake Up Call!

The Hammers first match of their tour of New Zealand ended with an unexpected 2-1 defeat to Wellington Phoenix in Auckland this morning. The Hammers were slow out of the blocks and conceded a simple goal from a Wellington corner after 12 minutes as Andrew Durante ghosted in at the near post to thump home a header. Thereafter, there was much huffing and puffing by East London's finest but they were again punished for a defensive lapse as James Ginge Collins fumbled with the ball and Alex Rodriguez slammed home a stunning strike past the hapless Jussi Jaaskelainen to make it 2-0 at the break!

The Hammers fought back in the second half, and were rewarded with a sleek strike by new signing Mauro Zarate in the 70th minute but Wellington held out for a historic 2-1 victory.

On the positive side, there was more game time for Kouyte and Cresswell and Diego Poyet was impressive as a substitute for the final 20 minutes.

Meanwhile, Andy Carroll has flown home to receive treatment for his latest injury with all manner of speculation as to the nature of the problem and how it might affect his availability for the season's opener against Tottenham in a few weeks.

Next up it's Sydney FC at Wellington's West Pac stadium on Saturday where Big Sam will be looking for a bigger and more disciplined performance from his men.


Friday 18 July 2014

Hammers Striker Maguire in European Shocker!!!

Maguire as a youth in Kilkenny
Sometimes it can be hard to appreciate the value in loan arrangements for players - especially when the reciving club leaves them warming the bench for extended periods. Sean Maguire, for example, is a young Irish striker who joined West Ham from Waterford United two and a half years ago and has been at Sligo Rovers for the past League of Ireland season. Initially, this looked like a good move as he had been making progress with the West Ham U19 squad and physically strengthened enough to allow him to have a run out with the grown ups.


Maguire at Waterford United
However, after a handful of starts, along with a few late appearances as a substitute, then followed by the recent departure of Rover's manager Ian Barraclough, the lad looked stranded in nowheresvillle. As such, the team at VERYWESTHAM decided to make the trip to Ireland's North-West and check out what was going on at Rovers for their Europa Cup qualifying tie second leg versus FC Banga from Lithuania.
Irritatingly, the tie was tightly balanced after a 0-0 draw in the first leg and Maguire only made the bench. After a close first 40 minutes it all tilted in Rover's favour as they got a crucial goal and then one of the Lithuanians was sent off, allowing them to run riot with a record 4-0 victory!!!

Some Sligo Dudes after the Hammering of FC Banga - what's Lithuanian for 'Samaritans'?

Sadly, Maguire didn't get to contribute to the action and we returned home with the sense that the loan is a big waste of time. And so to the next round for Sligo where they took on Rosenberg FC - a tough task for the Irish side but they again pulled out all the stops in a sensational 2-1 victory away from home last night, BUT this time young Maguire got to come on for the last 5 minutes and get some experience of European footie. A happy night for all concerned but now the home leg awaits and VERYWESTHAM will have to make arrangements for the trip up North next week.

So bored at Sligo that he has resorted to extreme body inking to pass the time

Maguire's loan period finishes at the end of July - given the limited match experience he has picked up it seems hard to justify an extension if we really think he can make the transition to top class Premiership fooie. Whatever happens in the future, he will have fond memories of last night in Norway!

Cressy Returns Home while Andy Carroll remains on the missing list

In their second preseason friendly West ham played out a 0-0 draw with Mick McCarthy's tractor boys of Ipswich Town. The game was considerably more exciting than the scoreline suggests with the Hammers (again without Andy Carroll??? errr anybody care to tell us where he's gone this time???? and post-hernia op patient Ravel Morrison who has had some weird pics of him in a hospital bed posted on social media by his agent????) passing over a number of excellent chances to get the crucial goal that would have resulted in another preseason win.
The Hammers closest effort came from new boy, and recent recruit from Ipswich's ranks Aaron Cresswell, who reminded his former employers of his considerable skills with a cheeky chip that bounced off the crossbar with the Ipswich keeper totally stranded. In other swapshop goings on, ex Hammer Frank Nouble went closest for Ipswich on the half hour mark but was not quite able to connect with a Marriot shot-pass-cross effort.  

Now it's off to the land of the long white cloud. Maybe the Hammers can pick up another defender of the calibre of Winston Reid while they are out there?

Tuesday 15 July 2014

Hammers find Enner Peace and Contentment

In their biggest bit of business so far this Summer, West Ham have snapped up world cup sensation Enner Valencia in a £12 million deal. Valencia had been courted by a growing gang of clubs after slotting all three of unlucky Ecuador's goals during the championship but ultimately the Hammmers have managed to capture his services on what is rumoured to be a five year deal. His World cup form is no flash in the pan, however, as the 24 year old's profile has been growing for a number of years since changing from his original position as a winger to his current striking role. 

Valencia originally emerged from the same youth academy as Man United star Antonio Valencia (no relation) before a four year spell with local Ecuadorian side Emelec helping them to their first league championship in 11 years in 2012 and winning the league's golden boot.

He then moved to Pachuca in the Mexican league where he again shone and took the league's golden boot with 18 goals in 23 appearances last season.

Hammers fans may be a little wary of such stats after the disappointment that was Pablo Barrera, but Valencia seems on a rising curve and has voice his delight at making the transition from milk farming to Premier league footie and will be relishing the oppportunity to show what he can do.

Oooh - watch you don't get a nosebleed up there mate!
One issue that will challenge Hammers fans is to identify where Valencia will fit in? At £12 million he is unlikely to be used to warm the bench but will Sam play him alongside Andy Carroll or will Mat Jarvis give way on the left? Valencia's stats suggest that he is more prolific when used in a more central attacking role and it may be that the David's ultimatum about playing more attractive footie may require playing two up front? Valencia is fast and very athletic with an ability to get up remarkably high for headers - can we can expect a new winger to arrive before the transfer season is done? In other possible ramifications, does this signal the end of Kevin Nolan's role in behind the striker?

My name is my name
Valencia is said to be quiet spoken and quite reserved but clearly this comes wth the eye of an assasin - it's hard not to notice the similarity in appearance to the Wire's calculating Marlo Stanfield ad Hammers fans will be hoping that their latest East Enner (!) can start dropping bodies on the East side. Perhaps the last word should go to his aunt who has warned the defensive thugs in the Premiership that if they touch her Enner that they will have her (formidable) presence to deal with! 


Either way, welcome to West Ham Mr Valencia.

Sunday 13 July 2014

Hammers Entertain with Preseason Circus Antics

Just having a laugh!
Big Sam is well known for his sharp sense of humour (just ask Cheating Chico 'Squealin' Flores) but Hammers fans were more than splitting their sides at the sensational carnival of fun on offer yesterday at their first Preseason friendly at little Stevenage.

In a light-hearted affair, the fun really kicked off at the ten minute mark when in carefully choreographed move, chief funny-man Adrian linked in with comedy-newbie Aaron Cresswell to gift little Stevenage thir first goal. It ws a move straight out of the Allen McNightmare book of footballing stunts and left the crowd rolling around in stitches

It's behind you!
Soonafter, Adrian had fans choking on their meat pies as he managed to perform an amazingly acrobatic ball-juggling 'now you see it, now you don't' rutine on the goal-line to tease and tantalise the referee's assistant into awarding a corner kick.
Then in the 71st minute, Adrian was so busy cracking jokes with fans behind the goal tht he was late getting down to a daiycutter from Stevenage new boy Connor Calcutt and suddenly it was 2-0 to the little guys!

At that point, the Hammers side decided to relieve fans anxieties regarding an embarrassing defeat by staging a dramatic last ditch come back with headed (?!?) goals from the usually goal shy wingers Matt Jarvis and Stewart Downing.

Hilarious stuff all round!

Monday 7 July 2014

Kit Prices Drive Hammers Fans to Drogheda and Weymouth in Claret and Blue Merry-Go-Round

OOOargh - Hammers fans are up against the Kosh again as it's that time of year that their spoilt brat kids will be badgering them to purchase the new West Ham Kit so that they can wear it on their annual holidays. 

Even worse, Parents will be facing a massive 50 Quid for a short sleeved top, which a recent survey shows places us midway in the Premiership table of jersey costs - a whole fiver behind overpriced Arsenal, Man Utd, Chelski and Lilliepool rags. Yippeeeee!!!

Still, we can be thankful that changing of kits only happens every year (albeit that there are three kits on each occasion) but parents of the futire cn look forward to a dedicated jersey for each Premiership fixture, probably. However, in the midst of this materialistic massacre, some creative Hammers fans have realised that they can just past the ALPARI logo over the AVCO logo that adorns their dad's 1986 jerseys!

There was good news for those fellow claret & blue types up at Burnley who have the least expensive kit at a mere £43 for a top. Even better, if fans care to buy secondhand 2013-14 West Ham Jerseys, they can simply dye the collar blue and hey presto- a current Burnley Jersey emerges! Matt Taylor can bring a batch of unused jerseys from last years cmpaign for the first team squad

However, Spare a thought for poor Villa fans - as usual, the club have managed to make an incredible mess of the most appealing colours in world footie and have produced yet another sartorial vom-fest, with the approapriate daftbet as their current logo. Poor poor Joey Cole! For reasons of good taste we have opted not to show the latest mess to emanate from Villa Park.

Weymouth FC
Drogheda United
In further developments, recognising that it's usually pisching down for about 85% of the Premiership season (thus requiring a waterproof outergarment that most covers any of the overpriced t-shirts fans invest in) astute Hammers fans are  investing in Weymouth and Drogheda jerseys that are bound to eventually wind up as Hammers kits at some stage in the near future.


Sunday 6 July 2014

New Kid Poyet to Transform the Hammers

As Hammers fans patiently wait for official confirmation from the club regarding new signing Diego Poyet, the excitement grows as yet another signing heralds a new attacking era for the club. Apart from the muscular Bouyate, the other transfer arrivals have been decidely un-Allardycian with Zarate a nippy poacher and Aaron Cresswell an attack-minded left back. Combined with the return of the ever maturing (?) Ravel Morrison, young Poyet is another creative force. Is Big Sam about to shock us all with his version of total football?

Big Sam has a quiet word with his new recruit
Young Poyet is a rapidly developing force - winning player of the season at Charlton despite only forcing his way into the first team after Christmas! At 19 years, Diego is hailed as one of the stars of football-future in the new Transformer add where he gts to demonstrate his considerable skills under the tantalising banner "The future of football is here". Hammers fans can hardly wait. Check out Diego versus the Transformers at:

Although it's a big jump up from just 20 appearances in the championship to Premier league level, with the progress that Diego has made it seems more than possible that he can make the transformation rapidly. With Dad Gus in the background he certainly won't be short of good advice! Undoubtedly the new progressive ethos at West Ham is more attractive to younger talent than the conservative attitude that has characterised our two consolidating years of Premier league footie where there have been few opportunities for emerging players to get an airing. However, the lack of subsequent success for the younger players who have departed from the club over the past few years seems to vindicate Allardyce's strategy, but with all these younger talents becoming available at the club we will see whether the Big man can blend youth with experience to good effect.

A right pair of Charlies!

With Tom Ince currenty a free agent having seen out his Blackpool contract and having completed the loan period at Crystal Palace, maybe it's time to finally put the whole Ince-gate affair to bed and snap up the talented winger? Either way, there's a definite feel-good factor around the Boleyn as we face towards the new stadium and it looks like the Hammers are determined to become the youthful heartbeat of English football again?


Saturday 5 July 2014

Wanchope to inherit the Allardyce Legacy?

You don't know what you're doing man
Watching the Costa Rica versus Holland World Cup quarter final, it's hard not to recall the unpredictable genius that was Paulo Wanchope when he was at West ham. Either going on 50 yard runs or falling over the ball, the Costa Rican had an endless smile that reminded us all that it's a game to be enjoyed!

But what about the current Costa Ricans? Has Allardyce been doing some secret consultancy work because their defensive set up is VERY WEST HAM (you'll pardon the pun!). They are tremendously solid and Holland are really struggling to get any purchase on them.

Even though Paulo Wanchope is currently assistant manager to Jorge Luis Pinto, one wonders if he might be equipped to take over the Allardyce legacy when the time comes? Word on the street is that he works closely with colleagues from his Premier league days and is a real stickler for detail in profiling opponents. It's worth remembering that the 'Ticos' are missing two of their best players (Bryan Oviedo and Alvaro Saborio) through injury!!!

Easily distinguished by the neck on
Dowie's Southampton jersey
Otherwise, watching Dirk Kuyt at right ?wing back makes me wonder if Iain Dowie hung up his boots too soon! While Brian Ruiz looks a smacker for Yossi Benayoun in his heyday!

As the extra time kicks in, one wonders how Costa Rica would do in the Premiership - or better still, how would West Ham do in the World Cup? The tournament seems to favour sides who defend in numbers and rely on quick breaks or setpieces for scoring opportunities. Sounds familiar.

Either way, C'mon Costa Rica!!!


Pleased to Michu: Hammers finally get their 'man'

The proper 'ALF'
After all the speculation over the past few weeks about the imminent arrival of Michu to Upton Park, the club have finally got their man as word has it that the staff at the Boleyn are preparing to unveil their latest Summer signing.

Over the past few weeks, many observers have become obsessed with the possibility that Swansea forward, Michu (AKA Miguel Perez Cuesta), might arrive to provide reinforcements for Andy Carroll in the Upton Park medical room.

 While the injury prone Spaniard would provide ideal cover for the likely case that Andy Carroll might undergo a sustained period out through injury, in fact the Hammers single greatest deficit is in terms of much needed back up in the mascot department - with both Hammerhead and Bubbles the Bear almost as far past their best as Kevin Nolan!

Note how Michu craftily conceals his ankle injury by kneeling 
Not surprisingly, therefore, the Hammers board have moved to bring in new blood and not only thinking outside the box - they have gone outside the universe to capture Mihaly 'Michu' Meszaros - the diminuitive man behind much loved 80's sitcom character ALF (Alien Life Force).

Born in Hungary in 1939, the little man stands at 2 foot 9 inches tall and brings a wealth of experience with him as he has worked with Barnum and Bailey's circus as the 'shortest man in the world' and even has a street in Hawthorne, California named after him!

Oi: Why are Eastwood and Kightly
above James Tomkins on the list?
With the Michu issue finally sorted, the Hammers can move on to look at other high profile stars to boost their ranks, as even at his extraterrestrial age of 285 years, ALF is not quite as old as Jussi Jaaskelainen and unlikely to provide adequate injury time to match that of the Hammers top forward - maybe they can also capture the other Michu?

Meanwhile, rumours abound that the Hammers are looking at another ALF - Basildon's Alison Poyet, star frontperson for eighties popsters Yazoo...while in other reports they are looking at Charlton Athletic's Diego Poyet, son of current Slumberland boss, Gus.

There's so much going on out there that some Hammers fans have elected to ignore it all until the actual action resumes in a few weeks time.....Hmmmm.

Cresswell's Left Foot: The terminator returns?

"I'm a little teapot......"
As West Ham's new recruit, Aaron Cresswell is adjusting to life at his new club, Hammers fans will be looking foward to once again having a left back who poses a serious attacking threat!

Cresswell, who was voted on to the Championship team of the year last season, during which he played a starring role for Ipswich Town, is a pacey full back reckoned to be more in the mould of Pablo Armero than the loyal George McCartney.

Nicknamed 'Cressy' by the Tractor boys, Aaron has also been dubbed 'Dettol' by virtue of how cleanly he strikes the ball by former Hammer Jimmy Bullard - himself no stranger to the occasional clean strike!
In addition to his award for last season's efforts, during the previous campaign Cresswell was voted supporter's player of the season and also chalked up the Championship goal of the season for his stunning strike against Crystal Palace during 2012-13.

Hammers fans will undoubtedly have contributed to the recent explosion of hits of the Youtube clip of the goal whih can be seen at:

Let's face it, it's not just the strike - but the audacity to even try it on that especially impresses.

Can he tackle like Dicks as well?

Tuesday 1 July 2014

Hammers earn first win of Olympic Stadium

In a shock move today, the ever-unpredictable O's of Leyton have finally accepted defeat in their battle for adequate space to house Barry Hearn's massive ego at the purpose built Olympic Stadium. After receiving permission to 'talk' with the stadium management company, Bazza & co decided to come over all cuddly and apparently reasonable by accepting the logic that a club who is in League One with average attendances of less than 5000 does not need an Olympic-size arena.

More cynical Hammers fans will note the rumours that Orient may be receiving new owners and prefer a conflict-free landscape as they set out the for sale signs.