Saturday 28 September 2013

It’s Pussy Galore as Hammers head to Hull

As the row over the name change for Hull City continues, West Ham have agreed to act a mediatoros between owner Assem Allam and the fans who, it is said, believe the new name is too violent for their friendly club.  In a gesture of extreme altruism, for today’s match the Hammers will allow the troubled club to play using compromise name ‘Hull City Pussycats’ and plan to provide Allam with a compelling example of how this name is considerably more suitable for the club by giving them a good thumping. 

However, sources inside the Boleyn have expressed concern as the East London side have managed a mere five shots on target in their three away games so far this season and therefore seem a little unlikely to muster up a bag full of goals during today’s match.  Never the less, Hull will fear the return of Carlton ‘Killer’ Cole who has enjoyed previous encounters with Tigers and rejoined the Hammers over the past few days and could be sprung from the bench.  

The big question will be who will start up front – another chance for Maiga or the refreshingly self-critical Petric? Maybe Ricky Vaz Te has earned a chance after his midweek heroics? Maybe Big Sam might even break with his conservative instincts and give young Elliot Lee a chance – especially after his four goals in midweek against Ipswich Town for the stiffs!

Otherwise, Ravel Morrison is aiming to break his 22 second goal scoring record and in a novel  tactic may even try to score against Hull before the official kick off. Hull fans have urged the match referee to keep a close eye on the watch to ensure that the game has actually started when Ravel scores his first goal today.

West ham will be hoping that match referee Kevin Friend is a little more amicable than last weeks whistleblower who made such a harsh call against nice guy Mark Noble that turned the game against Everton. They say such luck balances out over time, so maybe today the Hammers might get a dodgy call or two? We predict a 4-3 classic!

Friday 27 September 2013

West Ham 3-2 Cardiff City: Ricardo 'no-go' sinks Cardiff comeback

Nice boots!
The Hammers are thoroughly enjoying the Capital One cup this season as it is providing a great opportunity for match time for our bulging and eager squad.
Moreover, the Ravel Morrison story gets better and better as he continues to deliver excellent performances embellished by a more than healthy strike rate - now 8 goals since he returned to the Boleyn for preseason. Watch out Kevin Nolan!

And so poor Cardiff fell foul to Ravel's quick Thinking as he netted yet another early goal a mere 22 seconds after the kick off! The Hammers were cruising at 2-0 after 7 minutes as Morrison was again significantly involved in the build up to Matt Jarvis' goal.

Cardiff were on the rocks and stumbled towards half time as the Hammers repeatedly threatened a third but somehow Cardiff held on and then sneaked a goal on the stroke of half time with their first attack!

Out for the second half and the hapless Maiga was replaced by Mladen Petric. However, it was the much maligned Peter Odemwingie's turn to stir the scoreboard keeper into action as he slotted an equaliser and it was truly game on!

A ding dong battle followed but the sides were spared extra time by a late Ricky Vaz Te header which sealed it at 3-2. man of the match went to Mr Morrison (again) and the Bubbles faithful headed off in to the night full of cheer.

It's off to Burnley next and with news of Carlton Cole's imminent return, extra game time might assist Big Sam in getting his strikers up to a desirable level of match fitness.

Away to Hull next. COYI!

Satan Baines accused of breaking bad!

Grrrrr. With 8 minutes of normal time to play the Hammers looked like they were going to finally pull one over on the Toffees – a team that they have found more than a little sticky to beat over the years. 

Then suddenly Satan-Leighton stepped up with a Devilish free kick – his second of the day, and Jussi was left helpless as it bounced off the inside of the post and in. Sources close to the Boleyn ground have cautiously suggested that the pin-point accuracy may have been facilitated by the use of magnet forces – just like those suggested by  Jessie of Breaking bad fame.

Moreover, Only a matter of seconds after clinically dispensing another penalty kisk to give the Hammers a sight of vistory at 2-1, Mark Noble was dismissed for what in all honesty was a rash challenge and despite Big Sam’s protestations, left him at major risk of a second yellow and off he went.
And so it was, the ten men couldn’t close it down – hardly surprising given that the second half stats indicated 70% possession for Everton before the sending off. Fair dues to Joey O’Brien who cannot be faulted for trying to prevent Lukaku from scoring (and certainly made him earn the goal!), but a sickening 3-2 result ensued. The main positives were another Ravel Morrsion goal and a decent debut for Mladen Petric.
Cardiff next......and then Hull. We might miss the three points dropped in the final few minutes come season's finale.........Hmmmm.

Wednesday 18 September 2013

Hammers fans thinner and more sexually active than rival fans!

A typical Hammers fans settles down for the big  match

With the shock revelation from the recent Diet Chef survey it has emerged that Hammers fans are the worst smokers and gamblers amongst Premiership footie fans!!!

The survey of fans from across the Premiership revealed that more than a third of Hammers fans smoke and that they squander an average of £25 per game on gambling!

Thankfully, they have the required cash to support these devastatingly awful habits since previous fans surveys have highlighted how Hammers fans are the fourth most affluent in the league.

Moreover, the Bubbles boyz can take comfort from the finding that Mancunian followers not only eat the most during matches (Man United) but also gain the most weight during the season (Man City). Meanwhile, Chelsea fans emerged as the biggest boozers.

But perhaps most amusing is the finding that Spurs fans are the most likely to admit that following footie interferes with their sex lives - a finding that is all the more astonishing considering the rather limp nature of their football experience.

                                                                      Highly Erotic!

Arsenal fans did not warrant a mention, in keeping with their unremarkable form over the past decade or so.

Sunday 15 September 2013

Southampton - Hammers 0-0: Ceasefire called at St Mary's

ZZzzzz....Yes indeed, mission accomplished for the Hammers at St Mary's where they left with a useful point and almost stole all three in the closing minutes as 'Ginge' ballooned the ball over the bar from six yards out!

A dull stalemate offered little by way of opportunities except to remind that Jussi's reflexes remain fully intact even though he is now knocking on forty years of age. He accepted the man of the match award with an apparent sense of bemusement whilst defending his sides attacking impotence by suggesting that they had created good chances. there any limit to his abilities - Pinocchio as well it seems!

And so it's Everton at the Boleyn next week - hard to see a goal rush there either but at least it's some more time for new signing Mladen Petric to catch up in match fitness. Maybe even Carlton Cole can make a 'surprise' return by proving his fitness.


Saturday 14 September 2013

Southampton Preview: here come the Pathetic Sharks!


It’s all set for a return of the old Viz comic favourite as the Pathetic sharks that are the current  toothless Hammers head to the seaside at Southampton in search of Premiership points. In the wake of Andy Carroll’s latest injury setback, which  amusingly is common amongst ballet dancers, Hammers will once again be forced to rely upon ‘attack from the back’ which is a cool-sounding catchphrase for death by blunt trauma.
Some negative-minded observers have suggested that without an established striker to lead their attack, the best that the hapless Hammers can hope for is a sneaky goal from midfield or a set piece. Meanwhile, the saints offensive line will be headed by recurring Hammers target Rickie ‘late developer’ Lambert who will be seeking to add to his increasing popularity as England’s first striker. Thankfully, the Hammers muscular defence is well equipped for strikers of the Lambert profile so the likely line ups should make for a robust encounter.
Although the main question on Hammers fan’s lips is whether new signing Mladen Petric will get a run out (and we predict an appearance as a second half substitute if the Hammers are chasing the game), perhaps more intriguing will be how Big Sam decides to employ the rising Ravel Marrison who has clearly demonstrated since his return from Coventry (err – actually that’s Birmingham) that he does represent a potent goal scoring threat from midfield.

Modi Mohawk poised to get another chance up front or will Big Sam change his beloved 4-5-1 formation in order to maximise the return from the squad he has available? Both Maiga and new signing Petric have previously prospered in sides with two up front but…the Cuddly from Dudley tends to stick to what he knows best. Let’s hope for 0-0!

Nervous Hammers sign back up for Jussi

Bobby: Brilliant at everything!
After a somewhat nervous beginning to his Hammers career for Spanish stopper Adrian, the ever-proactive Hammers board have taken the step of making arrangements for absolutely all eventualities by signing top Croatian net-minder Mladen Petric.
They shall not pass
Highly celebrated In Switzerland after his stint at FC Basel, for whom he made a crucial last minute penalty save in their 2006 UEFA Cup group-stage match versus AS Nancy-Lorraine after Basel's first  choice keeper Franco Costanzo was sent off for a foul on Nancy's Issiar Dia.

Interestingly, such is Petric’s dynamism that he can also double up as a striker which represents a fantastic two-for-the-price-of-one bargain for the Bubbles management. Even better, he will join a gathering list of Hammers outfield stars who have donned the Keepers jersey for the causethat includes Henri Lansbury, Julian Dicks and, of course, Sir Bobby Moore.

Thursday 5 September 2013

Espanyol 0-1 West Ham: Los ninos impresionar en Barcelona


Esta noche, en un emocionante encuentro, el West Ham tomó el Espanyol. Ambos equipos han disfrutado de una buena salida para sus campañas respectivas ligas y la ruptura prolongada de acomodar las eliminatorias mundialistas permitido a estas partes la oportunidad de mantener su condición física con un dispositivo amigable de alta velocidad.

En un partido abierto, que era muy estrecha a lo largo de la primera mitad hasta que una mano de una cruz Matt Jarvis dado lugar a una sanción para el West Ham. Mark Noble intensificó y el balón entró rodando la esquina para poner los Hammers por delante justo antes del medio tiempo!

Noble: 95% penalty success rate
Y así, para el segundo semestre - West Ham empezó bien y crear algunas buenas oportunidades que se desperdician por Maiga y Vaz Te. Después de una hora, en llegar a los sustitutos: Fanimo, Moncur y el conductor, todos los jóvenes. De repente, todo es Espanyol y una serie de buenas ocasiones seguir con el nuevo portero Adrian quitándose algunos muy buenos ahorra!

The Spanish Vaz Te!
Rally Hammers, con lo que en Seb Lletget y Elliot Lee. Una gran oportunidad para Lee como Modi Maiga ha visto perdido y Ricardo Vaz Te parece estar tratando demasiado duro! Soonafter, Elliot Lee tiene un tiro desde fuera del área que el arquero no puede manejar y sólo empuja amplia - material prometedor de la joven estrella! Como si las cosas no son lo suficientemente malo para Vaz Te, Thievy - el extremo derecho Espanyol tiene un estilo de pelo fantástico - al igual que el que Ricardo solía tener cuando estaba disfrutando de su exitosa etapa en el West Ham!

Y así, el juego continúa con el Espanyol poniendo el joven equipo del West Ham bajo mucha presion, pero los niños aguantar y termina con el West Ham a los ganadores! Fantastic!

Esta noche Los Hammers viajan a Barcelona para un amistoso ante el Espanyol!!!


Hola mis amigos en VERYWESTHAM - el mejor blog que existe para los partidarios del mejor equipo de fútbol de Londres!. Esta noche tenemos el espectáculo de un emocionante partido entre los Hammers of East London y el Espanyol en el Estadi Cornello el Prat en Barcelona.

El gerente del West Ham, Sam Allardyce, ha seleccionado un equipo fuerte para hacer frente a este desafío, que incluye Kevin Nolan, Mark Noble, Matt Jarvis, James Tomkins y Guy Demel.

Además, habrá la oportunidad de mostrar su talento para Ravel Morrison y Pelly Ruddock. También tenemos la posibilidad intrigante de la estrella Ricardo Vaz Te Portugués tener la oportunidad de demostrar su compromiso con la causa después de toda la emoción de los últimos días durante la cual pidió ser transferido a otro club porque no está contenta con la falta de primero posibilidades del equipo en el Bolena.

Los aficionados españoles estarán encantados de dar la bienvenida a Adrián San Miguel del Castillo que anteriormente jugó para el Real Betis en la Liga. Esperemos que sea un partido entretenido!

Tuesday 3 September 2013

Hammers break the bank!!!

As we wake up to the new post-Transfer window era and check to see which hapless footie misfit that our clab have decided to try and rehabilitate, Hammers fans may have wished to be greeted with the following image...

Instead, the current Hammers management have decided to take a financially conservative view and are hiding behind the rather vague and almost certainly unimposable UEFA fair play guidelines as an excuse for imposing financial sense upon a club who were essentially bankrupt due to appauling  mismanagment prior to their arrival.

For now, Hammers fans are left to discover just how injury-prone Andy Carroll actually is and whether Vaz Te can possibly regain his impressive form of two years ago - for that to happen he will need to be played in a less wide role. Maybe even Modi Mohawk can kick in to form?

Oh, and Elliot Lee scored a hat-trick yesterday to celebrate his Premiership debut last weekend

errrr, and there's always Carlton 'Boomerang' Cole?


At the very least, we can take some comfort from the fact that we've be spared from another Benni-Mido-type mess to amuse and titillate opposing fans!

Monday 2 September 2013

Believe it or not – the Hammers have found the striking talent that they need!!!

Mercifully, as the last few hours of the transfer window slip by, word from around Upton park is that the cash-strapped and striker-deficient Hammers have managed to find just what they need to act as back up to Andy Carroll, and considerably more besides!

Amongst the splendid range of potential signings Big Sam will have to choose from any of the following freakishly talented options –


1. John Kidson – best known for his role as the lone keeper of Nelson Boulder lighthouse for 27 years could. Like fellow Kiwi countryman Winston Reid, do a fantastic job for Big Sam – and he is unusually experienced at coping with the extreme isolation that the one man up front system imposes upon any would be striker. Given that John has been officially dead since 1892, he would be unlikely to command a major transfer fee or indeed add substantially to the club’s “collosal” wage bill.


2. Jack Nicholson – The ‘cheeky’ Hollywood veteran is reported to have a keen interest in footie and more importantly, as demonstrated in this shot from Easy Rider, has a head that is sufficiently large for even profligate Matt Jarvis to locate with one of his crosses.  However, Hammers fans should not hold their breath as the top earning star’s outrageous wage demands are likely to pose an obstacle to a last minute transfer.

3. Richard Rosson (AKA Rubber Richie) is a veteran contortionist seen here in his unique  ‘offside deceiver’ pose. Richard has been tempted out of retirement by the realisation that modern footie is an athletic freak show and that this unusual pose defies the offside rule as it currently exists because his feet are not in an offside position! Just how he might contribute to the Hammers goal haul with such a position is less clear but as they say “possession is nine tenths of a score”

4. Adam Sinden is known to the world of stilt athletics as the fastest man alive having completed the 100m in 14.3 seconds averaging a sensational 29KPH! Experts have reassured the Hammers boss that with minimal training Aussie-based Adam could be coached to fit in with the complex Allardyce system and thus add some crucial extra height to the side for those oh-so-vital setpieces from which the current Hammers squad score the majority of their goals.

5. The Hammers abysmal away form has been reckoned to stem from their inability to cope with the inclement (and sometimes frankly harsh) conditions at venues located  ‘up North’ . Their dreadful away records at the miserable rain sodden hell holes of Goodison Park and Anfield testify to such a theory. One new signing who would be ideally equipped to deal not only with the pishy climate, but also the cocky locals would be Larry Ramos Gomez who, by virtue of his hypertrichosis, is one of only 100 people worldwide who are covered from head to toe in a cosy coat of hair. Larry is of course not to be confused with Edu Ramos Gomez who is merely a midfielder with Villareal in the Spanish league – and nothing like what our Sam is seeking!

6. Carlton Cole. Although there is nothing particularly exceptional about ‘our’ Carlton, his freakish loyalty to the Hammers during our relegation year out, willingness to accept modest remuneration for his services, and all round feelgood-decent bloke-ishness could provide the striking solution that the Bubbles men need – it’s not as if he hasn’t been there to deliver at crucial times in the past?