Hammers take Fulham apart with stunning second half performance: West Ham 3-0 Fulham

"Just go out there and enjoy your football lads"

God only knows what Big Sam said at half time but within moments of the start of the second half his side had signalled their intent and Momo Diame smashed through the Fulham defence before unleashing a smashing drive into the right hand corner of the Fulham net. And so ended a dismal run of misfortune and poor play from the Bubbles boyz.

The first half had started brightly for West Ham who dominated early exchanges and the once again unfortunate Maiga smashing a header off the bar! Then Fulham carved out some possession and the game trundled forwards with the occasional effort for each side but without a goal. For West Ham Kevin Nolan missed one he would normally bury (before this season that is!) .  Fulham almost unlocked the Hammers defence as Darren Bent almost got free but for the canny, if somewhat illegal, intervention of the returning George McCartney. Fulham looked nervous at set pieces but otherwise the over keen Hammers frequently fluffed their chances – epitomised by a sequence of slips and poor touches by Matt Jarvis. And so came half time. Hmmm.

Then the second half kicked into life with Diame’s excellent strike and the Hammers seized the game, and hopefully their season, by the scruff of the neck. Soon after, Maiga made some space with his trademark swivel and Stekelenberg could only palm it away to Stewart Downing, who made some space before ballooning the ball over from 5 yards! Hmmm. Not to worry, for the Hammers tails were up as Tomkins and then moments later, Jarvis had good chanced with headers. Jol tried to change it worth some substitutions and Big Sam  followed suit, replacing Jarvis and Nolan with Morrison and Joe Cole - who immediately made an impact with two excellent efforts, one of which bounced back off the bar!

And so we wondered, another Spurs or would we see grasp defeat from victory like at Carrow Road? The answer soon came as within moments of entering the fray, Carlton ‘Killer’ Cole extended his excellent record against Fulham by tapping in from 3 yards after a well worked move with Downing who was excellent throughout.

Worryingly for Fulham, they were unable to mount any meaningful response and with two minutes of normal time remaining, Joe Cole smacked one in after a nice work with Ravel Morrison. Fulham looked demoralised, while the Hammers look forward to the next encounter with a Crystal Palace side who saw their recent winning streak of one game ended at Carrow Road.

 Player Ratings:

Jaaskelainen: Back to his reliable self but hardly troubled as Fulham could not manage a single shot on target! . 7/10

Demel: Strong in defence, enthusiastic coming forward and made a few of his swashbuckling runs 7/10

Tomkins: Who will be sacrificed when Reid returns? Hard to tell on this performance  as Tomkins was solid throughout and also posed a major threat at set pieces. Could’ve been punished more by a twitchy ref for a foolish first half tackle.  7/10

Collins: Ginge quietly gets on with his job, making block after block. 7/10

McCartney: Great to see him back, what he lacks in pace he has in smarts! 6/10

Jarvis: Energetic but looks too hurried and wasted a number of good chances in both halves. 6/10

Diame: Big presence throughout and added another impressive strike to his collection. His strength both in defence and attack was crucial in suffocating the Fulham midfield pairing of Parker and Sidwell. 8/10

Noble; Fairly quiet by his usual hyperactive standards but solid throughout. 6/10

Downing: Probably our best wide player this season? Always looking to create and should have opened his account with a good chance early in the second half. 8/10

Nolan: Hmmmm. Again missed a good chance he would normally slot away. Replaced by Morrison with 15 minutes remaining…..a glimpse of the future perhaps? 6/10

Maiga: Desperately unlucky again on a number of occasions and you’ve got to admire his courage. Surprisingly effective aerial presence at times. 6/10.

Substitutes:

Morrison: lively. Why wasn’t he on from the start? Doubtless he’ll be thinking the same! 7/10

C. Cole: You gotta love him – unless you are a Fulham fan! His goal may be a big moment for our season! 7/10

J. Cole: Talk of his leaving is media-driven nonsense. Downing and Cole for the wide positions? 8/10.

West Ham versus Fulham teamsheets, preview and prediction: Hammers to edge it in energetic affair?

Errr, what's Bobby doing in white?

So as we approach kick off the team news reveals that Big Sam has finally seen (some) sense and has discarded the ridiculous 4-6-0 formation with Modi Maiga starting up front. Poor Ravel Morrision makes way, which is a major surprise given that he has been one of the few positives about the Hammers so far this season. Moreover, Maiga’s recent form when given the chance has been disturbing lacking in product and in last week’s thumping against Chelsea he missed a sitter from 5 yards just when the Hammers could have mounted a comeback. The lad looks bereft of confidence and we are reduced to crossing fingers in hope rather than expectation!

Given Carlton Cole’s sensational scoring record against Fulham (his favourite ‘victims’ with 6 goals in previous matches) perhaps he rather than Maiga should have been given the start. There’s also more frustration for Joe Cole who is on the bench but Sam has brought back Momo Diame in what is almost certainly an effort to counter the muscular Sidwell-Parker partnership in Fulham’s midfield.

Georgie McCartney is back after a long absence and filling in for Rat / O'Brien as the defensive injuries start to mount at Camp Bubbles.

We can expect lots of huffing and puffing out there, but with the only established Premiership standard forward on the pitch (yes! Darren Bent!), Fulham will hope to nick it. However, their defence is porous and, in addition to their traditionally poor away record, they are on the back of five straight defeats.

Teamsheets:

West Ham: Jaaskelainen; Demel, Tomkins, Collins, McCartney; Jarvis, Diame, Noble, Downing; Nolan; Maiga. Substitutes: Adrian, Collison, Taylor, Morrison, O’Brien, C. Cole, J. Cole.

Fulham: Stekelenburg; Zverotic, Hughes, Amorebieta, Richardson; Duff, Sidwell, Parker, Kasami; Taarabt; Bent. Substitutes: Stockdale, Senderos, Ruiz, Kacaniklic, Karagounis, Boateng and Dembele.

Verdict: Scott Parker to be welcomed gracefully by the Hammers fans, but the ageing star cannot prevent a score of 2-1 to the Hammers with Morrison coming off the bench to seal it as greedy Fulham push for all three points. Also, Jussi Jaaskelainen to avoid giving away any silly penalties!

West Fulham XI: East meets West in crucial Upton Park battle

It’s the battle of the drowning men today at Upton Park as, after almost a third of the season, West ham and Fulham both find themselves hugging the drop zone and in both cases well out of sorts. As London neighbours, it’s hardly surprising that they have shared the services of quite a few players over the years and we have compiled a team  - West Fulham XI – of the best of those who have played for both clubs. Dave Hammer explores their history and passes his verdict on how well these players performed during their spells at each club.  We have excluded Scotty Parker as he is on duty today, but for the rest we ask where their hearts truly lie!

	Gerry Peyton Highly experienced keeper with a decade and almost 350 apps for Fulham. He later provided cover at West Ham for a season (’93-’94) but never needed to tog off and join the field of play. Equally, he can correctly assert that he never put a foot wrong during his time at the Boleyn! Has spent the period since his retirement as a sought affter goalkeeping coach - much loved by both West Ham and Fulham fans for his coaching of the Gooners goalkeeper howlers post David Seaman! Verdict Cottager.
	Ian Pearce Pearce’s career at the Hammers yo-yo’d due to intermittent injuries but a committed performer across the defence and had a nice touch of pace to go with his physical presence. Clocked up almost 150 appearances over 7 years before being stolen away to Fulham for a three season 57 gamed adventure again marred by injuries. Verdict Hammer.
	Tony Gale Wonderfully talented centre half – good in possession and an intelligent reader of the game. Nicked from Fulham and subsequently Spent a decade at the Boleyn before being released to claim a Premiership medal with Blackburn in 1994. Part of the glorious ‘Boys of ‘86’ team. 'Galey' is a popular pundit and contributes to both West Ham and Fulham official clubsites. Still and all, he's ultimately a bubbles boy! Verdict Hammer.
	Bobby Moore Hammers legend. Is he the greatest English player of all time? Spent over a decade in service at the Boleyn. Enjoyed a fun-packed spell at Fulham where he even played against the Hammers in the 1975 side that lost to two Alan Taylor strikes. Verdict :The Ultimate Hammer.
	Paul Konchesky A real one hundred percenter! And a tasty left foot that occasionally unleashed goal-bound rockets. Mysteriously fell out of favour and seemed to dip in form as he fell out with manager Alan Curbishley, before departing  (after 2 seasons) for Fulham where he had a productive stint involving over a 100 appearances. After subsequent spells at Liverpool and Notts Forest, 'Konch' is now at Leicester City. Hmmm. Verdict Cottager.
	John Pantsil Arrived after the World Cup in 2006 but found it hard to adjust to life in the Premiership and drifted down the ranks. Never really got a sustained run in the side and eventually left for Fulham in search of first team football. Settled much better at Craven Cottage until 2011 when he left after 75 appearances. After spells at Leicester and again in Israel where he played in his early career, he is presently with santos - the South African rather than Brazilian version! Verdict Cottager.
	Papa Bouba Diop Excellent 3 year spell with Fulham during which he rose to Captain status before moving to Portsmouth and then Greece . A great name and with a physical presence to match he later returned to England that helped the Hammers deal with the Championship last year. Sadly, age was catching up fast and prevented him staying on the Good Ship Bubbles as we sail back through Premiership waters. He 'enjoyed' a stuttering spell at Birmingham last year efore leaving in January. Verdict Cottager.
	Luis Boa Morte ‘Dead snake’ spent 7 useful seasons at Fulham, clocking up almost 200 appearances and was Cottager of the season in 2004/5.  Considered a real steal from Fulham, Boa Morte’s robust style never quite endeared him to Hammers faithful and he suffered confidence loss. Committed and loyal throughout but seemed to lack the necessary guile to command a permanent starting place.  After his time at the Boleyn he drifted through Greek and South African leagues before returning with Chesterfield. He reappeared during the Summer after an audacious penalty strike in a preseason friendly that had the soccer world debating its legality for some time! Verdict Cottager.
	Leroy Rosenior Pacey and physically determined forward who had three productive spells at Craven Cottage between 1982-5, 1987-8 and then for a brief loan period in 1990-91. He played in Hammers sides of the late 80’s and will be remebred for his key role in a promotion push during that time when he scored most of his 15 Hammers goals. Popular TV pundit and his son plays for Hull City. Verdict Cottager.
	John Byrne Nicknamed by virtue of his chatterbox tendencies! 'Budgie' Enjoyed a productive period for five years at the Hammers in the sixties in a side that contained many legends. Fantastic goalscoring record, averaging more than a goal every second game. Unlucky to miss out on the World cup glories of ’66. Drifted to Palace and then on to Fulham for an unremerakable year in his Autumn. Sadly passed away in 1999. Verdict: Hammer.
	Bobby Zamora Loved by Hammers faithful and made it clear that he loved playing for his boyhood team. Started out at the academy but was let go before finally making his way back via Bristol Rovers, Brighton and Spurs for a four year spell between 2004-8. Bobby has a particularly pleasant habit of scoring important goals against Arsenal and in key matches e.g. promotion play offs. Hammers fans have no idea why we let him go! Thrived at Fulham for three seasons before QPR raided but hasn’t quite kicked on at Loftus Road. Verdict Hammer.

Verdict: 6-5 to Fulham - given the sides well documented problems in front of goal that seems an unlikely scoreline for todays match where a 0-0 draw might serve to pull both drowning men under. Grrrr!

COYI!!!

 

Matt Jarvis training with dummies!

In what initially appeared to be a scandalous put down of the current Hammer’s squad, the Daily Mirror has reported that out of form West Ham winger Matt Jarvis has admitted that he has been training with a variety of dummies over the recent past. Imagine our surprise when he clarified that in fact the Sports science boffins at Chadwell Heath have devised a new training programme that involves the use of human-like mannequins!

Not a dummy.

Oh how we chuckled!!! Then there was the searing realisation that a team of mannequins could probably do as well as the present ‘alive’ and kicking human squad have achieved in the first third of the season. With crunch relegation ties looming against fellow strugglers Fulham and Palace, some fans have suggested that the Bubbles boyz might be better served preparing for conflict with over-enthusiastic but modestly skilled models – Bob Codswallop, a long time Hamwatcher, has offered to loan the struggling outfit a team of human sized Duracell rabbits who would provide a perfect example of the headless and heedless energy that the Hammers are likely to face in these crucial fixtures. However, the strong connections between the current Hammers executive and a known supplier of blow-up dolls, negate any need for the Hamviewer's generous offer. 

                                                                An indefatiguable 'sarf' Londoner

The dolls have allowed the side to regain some much needed confidence after a sequence of recent thrashings. Rumours abound that the Hammers have finally broken their recent losing streak in a behind closed doors match where the first team pulled off a surprise 0-0 draw with the team of Mannequins!

 

                                                                       The Fulham team have arrived!

Meanwhile for Jarvis, Hammers fans are hoping that he might work on getting more pace and spin onto his crosses as the current penchant for gently lofted efforts seem to mostly provide the opposition keeper with entry-level catching practice, especially with no likelihood of a challenge from the recently non-existent Hammers strikers.

Jussi - Hard at his not giving away needless penalties drills

Guy foiled again as Pensioners enjoy good fortune in tightest of encounters at Upton Park that ends in 3-0 scoreline

 

It was surely the moment of the evening, truly a vision from above, as Guy Demel thrust upon the Chelsea defence, bamboozling not one, not two, but three hapless Blues on his way to a rasping shot across goal that so very nearly allowed the Hammers to pull back into Saturday evenings game and at a mere 2-1 down anything would have been likely...

We were then treated to the sight of a ‘striker’ totally devoid of confidence missing a simple tap in as Modi Maiga was again paraded for public ridicule. Hmmm.

And so Hammer’s fans were left to rue what could have been – we almost, finally, got to find out the nature of the Demel goal celebration.

Our money is on the exotic double back flip only previously seen in the Jimi Hendrix Church of the electric guitar... 

                                             The only previously recorded sighting of the guitar back flip 

 

Hammers to launch ‘Bubbles wrap’ during today's annual Chelsea-thrashing event

As the Hammers squad continues to disintegrate under the pressure of mounting injuries, the Science department down at Chadwell Heath have announced an incredible solution to the problem. The bubbles boffins have developed a number of ingenious ways of reducing the risk of injuries – these  inventions are set to revolutionize the whole landscape of modern football by reducing the intense absenteeism that bedevils the modern game.

 

The innovation involves a ‘medley’ of options for use by injury prone players. ‘Entry level protection’ can be provided using standard bubble wrap, or as it will henceforth be called “Bubbles wrap©”  It is expected that Joe Cole will be used as to launch the range in today’s fixture versus the visiting Chelski side who will be nervous after their thrashing in last year’s equivalent fixture. In fact, some sceptics have claimed that the main reason that the aged and injury prone midfielder was brought back to West Ham was to facilitate the demonstration of the new product!

For the more ‘traditional’ user, especially those with mild S&M tendencies, there is the medieval chain mail head and upper torso wrap. Of course, there is also an uber-expensive gold medallion version made specially for use by those ‘stars’ who feel so fragile and precious that they need a flashier version. Sales to the two Manchester clubs alone of these versions are expected to fund Hammers plans to knock the unfit for (football) purpose Olympic stadium and build a proper footie ground in its place.

Finally, the top of the range option involves a modified sumosuit that provides maximum protection from the malicious tackling of the Cattermoles, Shawcrosses, and other ‘players’ who hide their lack of footballing talent behind the label of ‘enforcers’.This range clearly poses a massive threat to the current ‘squad system’ whereby rich clubs hoard players in order to stop other smaller clubs building decent teams. It will almost certainly bring to an end the careers of various hanger-on journeymen who mostly occupy the ‘available if needed to do a job’ regions of the club, whilst picking up a pretty handy wage for not working.

 

Happily for the Hammers, the ruthless stewardship of the Allardyce era means that there are few hangers on loitering about the reserves, but for the likes of Man City, Spurs, and today’s visitor’s Chelsea, it is likely to provoke a massive fire sale of stock. For Jose Morinho's Chelsea, today's is a hopeless task in respect of getting anything from the actual game but the visit will provids an opportunity to view the new merchandise as well as practice looking bemused as the opposition repeatedly scores. Paddy Power has given incredibly generous odds of 66-1 against the Hammers repeating last years performance - understandable given how much West Ham have improved in the interim!

 

Hammerless England drift aimlessly to another defeat to Germany

A makeshift young German side easily overcame an England team that was without any West Ham players tonight at Wembley. 

"Three irons in the shirt..."

Hansi Hogslicer, long time German-person commented “ in times former the Englanders had much creativity and guile – but that was almost 50 years ago”.

 

                                                                   An Ecstatic Merkel

 

Meanwhile, the Hammers trio of Mark Noble, James Tomkins and Ravel Morrison were unavailable for comment about the latest Hodgson horror show.

Madrid Want Morrison - Pronto!!!

With the beyond incredible and simply unbelievably outrageous hype about Ravel ‘Raveldo’ Morrison at present, it comes as no surprise to Hammers faithful that already some of Europe’s top outfits are calling for his services. Ironically, while the Mancunians are making all manner of presumptions that he will want to return to Old Traffic after his time at the Boleyn, in fact the first major offer has been made by Madrid!

Another trickster that Man United let go prematurely

After observing Morrison’s obscenely bodacious ‘heel-volley’ in England’s U21 training camp, the Spanish organisation, have made an audacious offer for the young genius’ services. The goal seems to defy logic as somehow the youngster managed to get his heel around the ball whilst in the air and guide it into the top corner of the net. Stunning!!!

 

Having tolerated Danni the Dolphin’s outrageous wage demands over the past few seasons, the management group at the Madrid Zoo and Aquarium have decided to seek a suitable replacement – somebody who can perform breath taking stunts and gasp-inducing trickery to keep the demanding Madrid public entertained. “We need somebody who can juggle in mid-air, while twisting and turning, seamlessly flicking the ball over and back before unleashing a grand-finale of exotic surprise” announced a principal Aquatic trainer. 

                                                          Outrageous demands!

 

Meanwhile, it was a quiet night for Morrison as his main feat this evening was to warm the England U21 bench, and hopefully cool some of the out of control media attention.

Upton Park Whingers make eleventh hour bid for the Olympic Stadium

Just when everybody thought that the Olympic Stadium saga had finally reached a conclusion, up pops some wannabe footie-friendly toff with his tuppence halfpenny worth urging the locals to hold hands and share use of the stadium. Frankly, this never ending reverberation has undermined the whole process which has become farcical. And now, in breaking news, non-league  ‘Upton Park Whingers’ have vowed to enter the competition (even though it was completed almost a year ago).

How UPW might look if they actually existed

The club, who are a fictional outfit, have an estimated attendance of less than 300 – approximately the same fraction of the typical O’s home attendance as Orient’s turnout is in relation to the mighty Hammers. However, when asked the pretty obvious question as to what it proposed to with all the open space on match days, the club refused to respond because it was ‘an unfair question’ that could jeopardise any future legal wranglings the club might decide to engage in – “we are an utterly pointless and virtually non-existent organisation, and we can use this lack of a tangible presence to engage in a campaign of endless whinging and whinnying about the injustice of it all”.

Meanwhile, Jim Coddlesnatcher, chairman of the Ballygobackwards West Ham supporters club lashed out “What do Orient want the stadium for – they only get an average of 3000 for home matches, that wouldn’t even  fill one twentieth of the stadium?” Jez Dingleberry, secretary of the ‘O’s for a proper stadium’ action group retorted “ Most non-football observers fail to appreciate that Orient fans are so huge that they each need 3-4 seats in order to be comfortable during matches”.  

                                                                      Come on you O's

However, this argument was put in some doubt as rumours emerged that in fact the real issue for Orient fans may relate to the extraordinarily high rates of urinary frequency and episodes of double incontinence amongst their fans such that they need the excellent lavatory facilities that adorn the luxurious stadium. A source close to the ground asserted “We have got more than 30 male toilets – enough to easily accommodate the needs of a jumped up bunch of League Z incontinents”.

                                                The real reason behind the O's persistence?

 

In more placatory move, West Ham’s Baha’i fan club has offered free samples of adult diapers for the incontinence besieged club as an alternative to taking on the huge rental outlay of a development as large as the new stadium.

 

Dempsey to Makepeace with the Premiership at West Ham?

The exit of Clint Dempsey from spurs to Seattle was a pretty baffling episode - particularly given that the striker was at that point still close to his peak and had performed well enough for the club despite only modest opportunities. The truth behind his departure may rest in the attractive salary package he received that is rumoured to be amongst the highest ever in MLS history. However, the move hasn’t gone particularly well for Dempsey who has underwhelmed for the Sounders – who endured a mediocre season punctuated by a single goal and has struggled with a variety of injuries including a niggly hamstring, a shoulder dislocation and most recently a calf strain that forced him out of the recent USA squad. As such, a loan period during the MLS off-season is a particularly attractive option for him to rediscover his form. 

it's unlikely any Hammers fans will have this devotion to Dempsey

After a stop-start season, he is now available for a loan signing and as a proven goalscorer in the hurly burly Premiership he is understandably attracting the attentions of various clubs, including the striker-deficient Hammers. A move to either of his former Premiership employees is unlikely given the parting terms which were not ideal in either case. The American owners at Villa may also make some sense while Liverpool may still be smarting after the way their efforts to sign him fell apart. Moreover, Hammers fans are speculating that the edgy Dempsey may well relish the chance to get one over on his old employers at Spurs by signing for their East London rivals at the Boleyn.

 

                                                  Dempsey gets a warm welcome to Seattle

However, it’s also worth recalling that Dempsey was not especially sweet on a move to the Boleyn back in 2012, but he was a considerably more desirable property back then. Dempsey himself would also be likely to seek regular first team football experience and his ability to play as a striker or an attacking midfielder would mean that he could switch to the latter option once Andy Carroll is back. Failing that, if he finds himself at a loose end he could always revert to his rapping roots as the 'Deuce'! 

                                                                                      Yo!

As if things aren’t bad enough, now Kinnear is here!

In shock news today it has emerged that, in a cynical attempt to distract anxious fans from their precarious position in the lower regions of the Premier league, West Ham have signed a top transfer scout. Angus Kinnear, rumoured to be an alter ego of the crafty Noocassel director of football Joe Kinnear, has joined the management team at the club and is said to have immediately got stuck into the current Hammers squad labelling them ‘underachievers’ and ‘highly stars who haven’t delivered just yet’.  

Some time long ago back in the 20th century

Joe Kinnear, who previous managed the ‘crazy gang’ at Wimbledon is no stranger to audacious transfer wheelings and dealings having paid a transfer record to relieve an embattled Harry Rednapp of the services of out of control striker John Hartson after the infamous Berkovic incident. Hartson’s contribution to the Dons cause unfortunately couldn’t prevent their relegation later that season but he subsequently terrorised Championship defences the following season demonstrating just how canny Kinnear can be! Kinnear’s  appointment will undoubtedlycopper fasten the Hammers excellent record in the January transfer market by using the window to entice Hammer’s legends to return to the club such as Mido and Benni McCarthy.

The appointment will be seen as massive blow for ex-Hammer’s boss, Alain de Pardew, who will have to try and manage the sinking ship that is Noocassel with limited support from Kinnear, who many fans forget received a manager of the year award back in the last Century. However, some bitter Hammers fans have criticised the appointment, highlighting that the club need hands-on playing staff (especially a striker who is match fit) rather than more 'suits'.

Meanwhile, fans of Mark Noble will be chuckling at the dreadful performance by the current bunch of midfield fumblers who are keeping him out of the England squad. However, it is thought that Noble’s cause is hopeless because he is seen by Hodgson’s management team as ‘too obvious’ a choice for the midfield role and thus might be better served throwing his hat into the ring for the competition to be England’s next netminder? 

Di Canio and O’Neill 'Charlatan' spat escalates

The war of words between ex-Slumberland managers, Martin ‘Earnest-person’ O’Neill and ‘passionate’ Paolo Di Canio took a further twist today. O’Neill, who responded Di Canio’s criticism his players fitness levels by labelling the Italian ace a ‘managerial charlatan’ was accused by Di Canio of behaving like a football charlatan for almost being relegated despite spending £40 million on additions to the Wearsiders squad!

How the Charlatans might have looked with O'Neill and Di Canio in the band

Tim Burgess, lead singer with 80s indie-rockers the Charlatans, hit out at the ridiculous claims by the managers - “neither of them pair were ever members of our band that I can remember” he said “although after the release of ‘Tellin Stories’ things got a bit crazy and there are some gaps in my memory – maybe O’Neill played bass for one or two gigs but I don’t remember any Italians playing with us”. Burgess also took time out to emphasise that the Charlatans, like Hammers boss Sam Allardyce, actually hail from the West Midlands.

The ‘debate’ took a further twist when a spokesperson for the original San Francisco Charlatans – the band often charged with inventing the Frisco Psychedelic sound – said that they had simply had enough “just cos we’re hippies, folk think they can use and abuse our name however they like – it’s just not cool man”. Drummer Terry Wilson, who had to leave the band for a period to serve a prison sentence for Marijuana possession, was said to be particularly furious with O’Neill for trying to boost Di Canio’s profile by linking him to the sixties vibemeisters.

 

Former Hammer, Stuart ‘Psycho’ Pierce, who was a teammate of Di Canio during the nineties was unable to shed any light on Di Canio’s possible role in the Indie music scene. Pearce, a big punk rock fan, is best known for his appearance on the front of a live Lurkers album as a berserking audience member, has also met the Stranglers on over 30 occasions and was unable to recall Di Canio expressing any interest in joining him on any of these visits – “ I would have thought that the shared emphasis on organ accompaniment would mean that the bands shared many fans” Moreover, “Di Canio was always on time for training and the like so I really doubt if he was moonlighting as a rocker at that time and everybody knows that the most prominent rocker from the Hammers of that era was Slaven Bilic”

Meanwhile, top Druid Rocker Julian Cope tried to calm matters by reminding all concerned of the deep and penetrating meaning of the lead single from his 1988 ‘My Undergound’ album which surely emphasises the various possible interpretations that can be applied to the phrase ‘Charlatan’ depending on which inner voice one listens to. “As far as I’m concerned, they are all behaving like rather spoilt little Charlotte-Anns” he said, using a vocoder device for no particular reason anybody could fathom.

                                                                      'Am i freaking you out?'

It’s men and boys as the politics of condemnation kick in at the Boleyn!

Come on Casper, it's only 9-0!

In the latest outpourings from the sinking ship that is West Ham United FC, on loan striker - Carlton Cole has lashed out at the cruel nature of West Ham’s blatant publicising of their recent 9-0 thrashing of a Peterborough United XI. Jumping to the defence of what was a young Posh side, Carlton expressed his outrage on twitter (before the standard subsequent removal of said ‘offending’ item).

                                                       Note the astute analysis in the final tweet!

Carlton, who heads a growing band of strikers who disapprove of goals being scored, was clearly upset at his own role in the cruel massacre and unhappy that the usually goal-shy Hammers would make the footage available to the public. The match was marred by numerous goalscoring atrocities including a rare strike from Modi Maiga and the usual brace from Elliot Lee, as well as a goal from a mystery ‘triallist’. Moreover, the farce was heightened when two Peterborough parents insisted that their children be substituted so as to make sure they made it home in time for the 9PM curfew their local school imposes.  One child was said to be so distraught that he vowed to never attend PE classes again!

Unexpectedly, Carlton may have some support from Hammer’s boss Sam Allardyce, who is said to be unhappy at the wanton squandering of precious goals. Sam, who likes nothing better than to sit back and luxuriate in the glow of a 1-0 victory, is said to hate winning by more than a solitary goal and is also worships the clean sheet like no other Premiership manager since George ‘Curmudgeonly’ Graham of Gooner fame!  Sam now ranks almost as highly as Graham on the all time 1-0 victory count for British managers, although he does not feature in the top 1000 all-time Italians managers who have dominated the defence of a single goal lead rankings for decades.

                                                                        Yeuuchhhh!

In other news, Mark Noble is rumoured to have started affecting an Irish brogue ahead of the much predicted approach from The Republic of Ireland for his International services. He is said to have uttered ‘feck’ instead of te much more typically English ‘flip’ after another poor free kick delivery during training and also requested that Bacon and Cabbage be added to the menu at the Chadwell heath training facilities.

Also, in still other news, friends of Sideshow Bob have indicated that he thinks that Alessandro Diamanti should never have left his starring role at West Ham for the bit part he was offered in the Simpsons.