Saturday 28 June 2014

Chelsea Tap up West Ham’s South American Ace

Even as Hammers fans relxed to watch the spectacle of the Brazil vs Chile World cup second round encounter, shock revelations were emerging that Chelsea are plotting their latest raid upon the West Ham ranks. The unfashionable but vulgarly-rich West London club are said to have tapped up young Ravel Morrison by giving him a free Chelsea training top!!!  

It seems the allure of South American footie may have overcome the pensioners and as Morrison is currently the most-South American-like English footballer, he represents  the perfect signing to appease the avaricious Chelsea  fan base.

Howeve, the top is in fact not a Chelsea garment as it has a red-blue stripe combo at the bottom of the sleeves that differs from the pure blue of the Chelski merchandise. After extensive research it has been identified by our top Kit analysis team as a Costa Rican training jersey – simply revealing Ravel’s leanings for the current world cup.  
A dummy in a Chelsea Kit
Meanwhile, it has also been revealed that Hammers netminder Adrian has been practising in a Leeds kit – thus ensuring he gets lots of shot-stopping practice, while instead of going to France on holidays, Mark Noble has opted to dress down in some Noocassel training gear - or according to other speculation has finally got fed up waiting for an England call and opted for Germany. In other news, it appears that some Hammers may have been moonlighting for Turkish side Trazbonspor!

Meanwhile in Brazil, Ex-Hammer Javier Margas, also an international hair-styling consultant, has damned Dani Alves ‘effort’ by labelling it "El caniche que está muerta" (que murió después de que ha estado funcionando en el barro) – which loosely translates as ‘the dead poodle who died after rolling in some mud’!
While such name calling is hardly to be encouraged, perhaps on this occasion young Alves might benefit from considering the ‘advice’ as his hair cut really sucks! Luckily, on field for Chile is Vidal (Sassoon) who might be able to do a quick patch up for him before the penalty shoot out!

Dear me - the poodle was white originally

Friday 27 June 2014

Suarez Hungry for Hammers Return

As the implications of Luis Suarez's sensationally lenient 'punishment' for turning the World cup into a celebration of the ancient art of cannibalism hit home, although the four month ban from footie will undoubtedly hurt, expert have speculated that it is the added clause that he cannot engage in any football-related activities that will surely challenge him most.
Having incorporated carnivorous moves into the offensive armoury of the modern game, the ban will almost certainly require a sustained period of vegetarianism since meat-eating has an obvious place in the modern game. Top Vegetarian groups have been quick to offer support for the undernourished star and already invites are flying in to eat and greet at one of their attention-seeking demonstrations. The terribly unlucky Sewarage is fortunate that Liverpool has a burgeoning vegan scene driven by ex-Hammer George 'Linda' McCartney.

The Uruguayan FA are already engaged in emergency educational workshops focusing upon the art of self righteousness and elitism that is crusial to any sustained veganism. Moreover, the Uruguayan's commenst after the England game that some have suggested were a carefully crafted effort to manufacture a move away from Merseyside, have become less audible now that he faces another lengthy lay off from the game.

In a further move, it is thought that Sewarage's ban will prevent him from wearing any products made from animals, including leather footie boots. Luckily for Sewarage, he was the poster creature the Adidas knitted hemp football boot. These should suffice for the first few 'dry' months of the season (during which time he will be banned) but are likely to weigh him down on the waterlogged pitches of the autumn and winter! Happily, the modern football is made from synthetic substances - with the 'Brazuca' manufactured in the ultra-competitive cost base that is Pakistan. 

The Hammers board have again demonstrated why we are amongst the top 50 richest clubs in the world by quickly responding to the growing cannibalism within the game. As top psychobableologists have explained - "eventually gullible fans will copy everything that the top stars do, except for Balotelli - he is too extreme for even the most unstable football obervers".

Mash - off the menu!
In response, the menu at Upton Park has been beefed up to make it more attractive to the modern football consumer. No longer will Hammers faithful have to make do with Robert Greens or Javier Pie & Masherano, but rather will be treated to the meatier delights of Tomas HitzelsBurger, Paulo LambChope, Momo Steak Diane, and for those poshies in the corporate boxes, lightly toasted oatmeal wafers coated with delicious Julien Fois-Gras....mmmmmmm!

Fauxbert: tres delicate.

Bon Appetit mes Hammers!!!


The Irons Curtain: West Ham Eastern Block XI

Just back from their Eastern European scouting mission, the team at VERYWESTHAM had lots of time whilst travelling by rail to ponder upon the involvement of players from former Eatern Block countries - the so-called Irons Curtain XI.

It's certainly a mixed bunch and it's pretty evident that the English game suited only some, with some very disappointing contributions from others. West Ham have certainly looked far and wid in their efforts to find 'bargains' with players from the Czechoslovakia, Yugoslavia, Bulgaria, Romania, and the Ukraine all represented.

In defence, it was a pretty easy choice as Miklosko is a Hammers goalkeeping legend while Repka is a fans favourite despite his tendency for 'eratic' behaviour. Both Bilic and Stimac were top class centre backs who would push for a place in most sides. At left back, Razvan Ratz gets the nod over Vladimir Labant by virtue of more appearances and greater international profile but this was the weakest position in the back four.

In contrast, midfield and attack was populated almost entirely by players who were past their best (Suker, Rebrov, Dumitrescu), startlingly average (Todorov, Kovac), or more interested in shopping (Raducioiu).

With the marketplace that is the world cup in full swing - the lesson from all of this seems to be to look East for defenders ad goalkeepers rather than forwards!

Wednesday 25 June 2014

Defoe: i want another bite at the Hammers

The Italian FA have lodged a complaint about the waterlogged pitch
As the football world celebrates the immense psychological 'high' that comes with unbridled righteous indignation regarding the 'disgraceful' and 'unprecedented' Luis Sewerage biting incident, we at the restrained media organ that is VERYWESTHAM feel obliged to remind the footballing world that such incidents are no new thing and, in fact, gnasher-grief has been a recurring problem for West Ham United FC for a number of years.

First up, however, let all the FIFA shoulder shrugging about a lack of evidence / we didn't see the incident ourselves / all the video evidence was stolen by video-eating aliens be put to bed as these images - captured by our pitchside correspondent show - Sewarage is undoubtedly guilty of a gnashers-led attack wherein there is no evidence of any effort to play the ball - whatsoever!

Cheillini immediately around the approximate time of the match

Some (mostly) Uruguayans have suggested that this as in fact an example of the much lesser offence of a gummy-assault, but again, pictures taken by our private photographer demonstrate the extent of the italian blokes injuries - there is a less than 1% likelihood that these type of wounds could be inflicted by a gum-attack alone.

how the incident would have looked in 1970
We also got our Warholesque artsy fartsy craftsy backroom crew to create a Mexico-1970 iconic image version of the attack, which again is conclusive in its obvious and complete definiteness. 

Oi, wot u doin - this aint Gauchos mate!
Even worse for the footballing community, it is likely that many Hammers fans will be horribly retraumatised by the incident as it will undoubtedly trigger memories of Jermain Defoe's disgusting attack on then-Hammer Javier 'i can probably play better than this' Mascherano that dates back to 2006. Defoe was subsequently given a life ban from playing for a proper football team, something which forced him to stay at Tottenham for the rest of his career.

But even though the Hammers will blame tragic Tottenham for Defoes conversion to cannibalism, there can be no doubting that Oliver Kahn's 1999 carnivornous attack on Borussia Dortmund's Heiko Herrlich occured whilst wearing a Hammers away jersey. Such behaviour is unacceptable - even in the Bundesliga.

BTW that's Neil Ruddock looking on nonchalantly.

All of this could have been snuffed out if only the footballing world hadn't misinterpreted John Hartson's attempted purge of gnasher-related footballing offences when he attempted to kick teammate Eyal Berkovic's teeth out during a training ground routine in 1998. This was almost certainly a (vain) attempt to remove dental problems from the game for once and for all. However, once again  the ruling authorities got it all wrong, horribly horribly wrong.

Tuesday 24 June 2014

Rolling Stones Pen Chant for Shock New Hammers Signing!

Scene from the annual Premiership 'Yard of Ale' competition
The transfer rumours are rife regarding West Ham right now, but perhaps the most perplexing is the proposed move for Swansea's Michu. The attacking midfielder experienced an excellent first season with the Swans, popping up all over the place and amassing a total haul of 18 Premiership goals. However, last year his strike rate was impacted upon by a lengthy absence through injury and reverted to the level that characterised his previous career in Spain - where he has operated at a goal every ten games or so. Hmmm. Not so impressive for a midfielder who has a limited contribution towards the team's defensive effort.

Perhaps all this is more surprising given that his preferred position is currently occupied by Hammer's captain Kevin Nolan, with the exciting emerging talent that is Ravel Morrison as understudy. It is hard to see where Michu might fit into this set up especially as the rest of the midfield is typically employed as a wall infront of the defensive wall that protects the Hammers goal? Verywestham can smell a conspiracy - probably involving QPR - whereby young Morrison's position is being destabilised by these rumours to encourage him to look beyond the Boleyn for football opportunities.

F*** off Michu, that's my position!

Other theories are that West Ham need Michu principally because of his amusing goal celebration, obviously borrowed from Paul Merson, as no current Hammers player has a celebration worth mentioning. Kevin Nolan's chicken dance is the only effort we have had the opportunity to see with any frequency over the last two seasons and it rates 'awesomely low' on the 'bodacious celebration' charts.

However, the backrom staff at VERYWESTHAM have already started wotrking on a new chant to go along with the proposed new signing. Sung to the tune of the Rolling Stoness classic "Miss You" the words go;

"He's been standing all alone
ready to score a goal
cos he's Michu..
Ooo Ooo OOOOoooOOO Ooo Ooo OOOOoooOOO
Cos he's Michu"

The sorry statistical truth for the Hammers

However, top psychobabbleologists have expressed the view that the rumours are driven by panic about the clubs current Premiership position whereby they are propping up the table - even before a ball has been kicked in anger!

Although this is merely a function of the Premiership's presently preferred alphabetical ranking system, so far only Lowly Yeovil Town have sought to have the system amended.

Professor of Sports psychobabbleology at Basildon University College Hospital, Hansi Von Pfaffmeister has explained "It is all in the head for today's Premiership players, it is a negative mindset that occupying the relegation spots, regardless of the reason, upsets the precious rhythms of these very vulnerable and mentally fragile sooperstars".  

Furious Yeovil Town supporters make their point known
Perhaps even worse for the Hammers, being bottom at this early stage of the season is their own fault as they shamelessly seized upon Wolves' relegation to snap up Matt Jarvis, while their capture of the out of contract Mo Diame was a major factor in Wigan's tragic demise.

Right now it's a battle to seehow overfilled the Hammmers centre back and attacking 'hole' position can be. Any chance of a wide player entering the fray?


Czechmates! Hammers Salute the Czechoslovakian Brigade

As VERYWESTHAM take a hard-earned break with a few days in Prague and Bratislava, we recall the players from these nations who have graced the Boleyn over the years - some good servants as well as some real legends!
Oi! Get off him Ince
Luděk Mikloško. Hammers legend. A bargain buy from Banik Ostrava in 1990, he quickly endeared himself to the Hammers faithful with his brave and excellent shot stopping. He went on to play 374 times for the team and was named Hammer of the Year in 1991. He then acted as goalkeeping coach until 2010 when he returned to his homeland. His son came through the youth system but didn’t quite make it. Top Hammer and the subject of the much lauded chant:

“My name is Ludek Miklosko,
I come from near Moscow,
I play for a team called West Ham
And the people I meet,
When I walk down the street,
Say "Hey big fella - what's your name?",
My name is...”
Tomáš Řepka: Supertom is a Hammers legend after 5 years, 167 appearances, 5 red cards and no goals for. Never a dull moment, Tom was always 100% committed to the cause. It is rumoured that a tear rolled down his cheek on his farewell match, but nobody had the courage to ask him if he was crying or if it was just a bead of sweat. Rampaged through the Czech league upon his return bumping his red card haul to a world record total of 19 in top class footie!

Pavel Srníček another one to emerge from the academy at Banik Ostrava! Srnicek also played for Czech army side Dukla Prague who were immortalised in the half-man half-biscuit classic “all I want for Christmas is a Dukla Prague away kit”. He slotted in three appearances for the Hammers having provided goalkeeping cover just as he was exiting the English league after years of service at the toon.

Marek Štěch:  No – Stech never played for Banik Ostrava! His Hammers career was stunted by the brilliance of Robert Green and despite a four year stint from 2008-12, he managed only three appearances in the League Cup for West Ham and was an unused substitute on 13 occasions in the Premier League.  He finally got fed up waiting and moved to yeovil town and recently moved to Sparta Prague.

Oops! Even Julien Faux-Pas disapproves
Jan Laštůvka: Yes – another keeper from Banik Ostrava! Lastuvka played fro Fulham before joining the Hammers on athree year deal in 2008 but managed a single appearance in the league cup (where his blunder gifted the game to Watford) before leaving for the Ukraine where he remains with FC Dnipro Dnipropetrovsk.

Radoslav Kováč: A defensive midfielder, Kovac arrived for a 2 year stay in 2009. It is thought that his yellow card for tackling a fan during a Russian league match may have alerted Hammers chiefs to his Repka-like qualities, but alas, Radoslav's languid style was generally perceived as off the pace and mildly disinterested during his time at the Boleyn. Perhaps somewhat unfair judgement as he did notch up 53 appearances for the Bubbles boyz.

 Petr Mikolanda arrived at West ham under the Pardew regime in 2005 having been a scoring sensation in the Czech second division with his physical style and imposing stature at 6ft 4 height. He did well in preseason scoring three goals but was then sent on loan to Rushden and Diamonds and Swindon before physical health problems curtailed his career and he had to undergo major kidney surgery. Still only 29 years old, he is trying to resurrect his career in the Czech league with Viktoria Zizkov.

Meanwhile, on the Slovakian side of things....

Vladimir Labant played for both Sparta and Slavia Prague before arriving at the Boleyn in 2002. He struggled with the rough and tumble of the Premiership and was let return to Sparta after just 13 appearances. He was capped 27 times by Slovakia.

Dusan Kuciak is a Slovakian netminder who spent 6 months on loan at Upton Park in 2006 but never got the call.

So, the Hammers have gotten some great service from both Czech’s and Slovakians, but we have yet to sign an ‘O’ – the forgotten tribe of CzechOslovakia. Maybe pinching a few Leyton Orient players from moanyface Hearn will suffice?
na zdraví!!!

Monday 23 June 2014

The Repka Diaries: Chuck Norris to star in Hollywood version.

Verywestham jsou na létání návštěvě v České republice a využili příležitosti k oslavě kladiva české spoje, včetně špatné chlapce Tomáš Řepka.

Zde náš český korespondent duch komponuje novou sekci pro jeho těžké bít autobiografii, popisující jeden den v přípravě rychlého pruhu se svými milovanými kladiva:

Byl to slunečný den venku, ale bylo mi to jedno. Tam byla práce, že don, skóre se usadili, a všechno bylo v pořádku ve světě, kde kreténi se volně pohybují. A tak to bylo, když jsem přišel na trénink tam byly některé neefektivity v rutině a pak stéblo trávy divně se na mě podíval a řekl jsem si pro sebe "Tomáš, budete letthis ubohý kus trávy dostat pryč s urážet?"

Takže z dlouhé určena skluz, který ukončil traviny drzost. Měl jsem luch - syrové maso zapít krví tygra. Pak jsem šel domů a sledoval videa opakování k odeslání z mého 17th. Pak, a pouze pak, i usmál.


Lampard: We can still win the World cup!

Many England fans will be wondering why Frank 'grampappy' Lampard is in the world cup squad? However, the more literary fans will know that the veteran storyteller is there to help the young and inexperienced members of the squad (i.e everybody except hom and Stevie Geriatric) by telling them some uplifting bedtime stories from his ever so popular Frank's Tall Tales collection.

Just now, the squad will have been taken in by all the negativity in the media suggesting that England's world cup journey is over, but they havent been reckoning on the parallel universe occupied by our hero who scored goals in both the first two matches without taking the field of play! Frank, who was famously robbed of a goal in the last world cup is due one in compensation and through goaline technology has undone the goals by bad guys Balotelli and Suarez. England thus only need a draw against Costa Rica to progress.

Thankyou Frank.

Peaceful dreams to all.

Saturday 21 June 2014

Hammers New Home Strip Revealed: This baby just screams GooooaaaAAAAAAL!!!

Sartorially sensational!!!
Blond Macca highlights optional
After a couple of season's stabilising their position as a Premiership force, duirng which they have employed 'efficient' tactics (Read: boring but effective footy), West ham have signalled their intention to return to the artistry that has historically characterised the club with their new home jersey which is straight out of the annals of 1986.

During that campaign, West Ham were a much feared side as their twin attack of Cottee and McAvennie (TC & God) terrorised opposition defences. As the fans bid farewell to their beloved Upton Park, this strip can do justice to our final season that hopefully will see us recapture the attacking prowess of the boys of '86!



Friday 20 June 2014

Di Canio in for Top Coaching Role At West Ham

An artists impression of how Di Canio might look in his new management role
As the Aesthetic makeover at West ham continues - following the appointments of Teddy Sheringham as attacking coach, and Julian Dicks as Womens' team manager, the latest addition is rumoured to invlove the return of Hammers' legend Paolo Di Canio as Dance coach to the Hammerettes.
Paolo demostrates one of the new dance 'moves'

Paolo has been out of work since departing Slumberland AFC early last season and will welcome the chance to get back into coaching. However, some observers have suggested that his previous experiences at Slumberland suggest that he may struggle to cope with the interpersonal tensions that can arise in the highly charged atmosphere of the team dressing room - especuially as he will have to ask permission to enter.

And another - they do this one with mirrors, apparently!
Either way, these developments further demonstrate the Hammers determination to recapture the beautiful game and bring it back to the Boleyn and OS thereafter.

And, of course, the dance move finale

Moreover, early signs are that Big Sam is already exploring bringing more rhythm to his Hammers first team.

Torvill and Dean - eat your hearts out!

ADDENDUM: In breaking news, it has energed that Di Canio, in his own pioneering style, wants to revamp the Hammerettes by addressing the longstanding gender imbalance by bringing in some top former Hammers stars to join the much loved dance troupe! Messers Sullivan and Gold are ready to put out a call for interested and interesting parties - we at VERYWESTHAM welcome suggestions

Thursday 19 June 2014

Dicks Promises Top Stars in Squad Shakeup

Dicks: right chuffed with his new role
After a disappointing season whereby they finished second bottom of the FA Women's Premier League South, Hammers management have taken action and appointed Hammers Legend Julian 'The Terminator' Dicks as new manager. It is expected that Dicks will look to revamp the squad and already a variety of top female hard men have been mooted as potential targets for the ambitious Hammers ladies team.

Among the candidates who have already been linked include:

1. Katie Taylor: Although better known for her accomplishments in women's boxing, after totally dominating her current sport for the past decade, Katie is thought to be open to a move to pastures new. thought to be a possible relative of Hammers seventies legends Keith and Alan, Katie has an affinity with the claret and blue. Moreover, her experience of the Olympic Stadium at the last games will be an additonal advantage as she seeks to add punch to the Hammers attack.

2. Gwendoline Christie - better known as Brienne of Tarth, Gwen would be suited to a Momo-Diame type role as an aggressive and highly physical force breaking from midfield and slicing her way through the opposition defences. In fact, given her recent annihilation of the Hound in Game of Thrones, maybe she could also double up for the men's team?

3. Lagertha from Vikings is rumoured to be an accomplished winger and her skills really caught the eye in a recent episode of Vikings. Lagertha also recently demonstrated her capacity to play a lone role up front if circumstances require.

4. Pixie Lott. Having already commited her footballing abilities to her beloved Hammers, Pixie's natural style is perfect for the new philosophy at Upton Park wherein Messers Gold and Sullivan have ordered more attractive football in order to bring fans on board as we move to the Olympic Stadium. No doubt new attack coach teddy Sheringham would approve !


Wednesday 18 June 2014

Hammers Handed 'Easy' Fixture List

The Hammers will be hoping for a bright start with a series of gentle fixtures to ease them into the new season. With Spurs first up, followed by the first revenge trip to Palace, we can expect to get off to a flyer. These matches are then followed by a number of routine victories over Southampton and Hull before we get our chance to put down our European credentials by facing down Liverpool and Man United. Ambitious Hammers fans will be frustrated that we will have to wait until late October before getting our first crack at Man City in what should be a key fixture in deciding whether the title stays North or comes south to the Boleyn.

Hammers can expect to have much to celebrate over the Yuletide period as we take on the Gooners of Middle Arse and Chelski. We again face Man City in mid April and if we can establish a decent lead by then it will be hard to see any of the clubs in the final fixtures taking any points off us apart from Everton who will once again be ging their curse upon us.
West Ham's 2014-15 Premier League fixtures:

Saturday, August 16 Tottenham Hotspur (H)

Saturday, August 23 Crystal Palace (A)
Saturday, August 30 Southampton (H)
Saturday, September 13 Hull City (A)
Saturday, September 20 Liverpool (H)
Saturday, September 27 Manchester United (A)
Saturday, October 4 Queens Park Rangers (H)
Saturday, October 18 Burnley (A)
Saturday, October 25 Manchester City (H)
Saturday, November 1 Stoke City (A)
Saturday, November 8 Aston Villa (H)
Saturday, November 22 Everton (A)
Saturday, November 29 Newcastle United (H)
Tuesday, December 2 West Bromwich Albion (A)
Saturday, December 6 Swansea City (H)
Saturday, December 13 Sunderland (A)
Saturday, December 20 Leicester City (H)
Friday, December 26 Chelsea (A)
Sunday, December 28 Arsenal (H)
Thursday, January 1 West Bromwich Albion (H)
Saturday, January 10 Swansea City (A)
Saturday, January 17 Hull City (H)
Saturday, January 31 Liverpool (A)
Saturday, February 7 Manchester United (H)
Tuesday, February 10 Southampton (A)
Saturday, February 21 Tottenham Hotspur (A)
Saturday, February 28 Crystal Palace (H)
Tuesday, March 3 Chelsea (H)
Saturday, March 14 Arsenal (A)
Saturday, March 21 Sunderland (H)
Saturday, April 4 Leicester City (A)
Saturday, April 11 Stoke City (H)
Saturday, April 18 Manchester City (A)
Saturday, April 25 Queens Park Rangers (A)
Saturday, May 2 Burnley (H)
Saturday, May 9 Aston Villa (A)
Saturday, May 16 Everton (H)
Sunday, May 24 Newcastle United (A)


Tuesday 17 June 2014

Ilunga in World Cup Shocker

Ilunga (far right) demonstrates perfect wall discipline

Hammers fans will have little difficulty in recalling our former left back Herita Ilunga - a committed and passionate performer known for his robust tackling as well as his frequent forays down the left wing. In all, the Congolese star spent over three years at the Boleyn before returning to France where he is still active.

However, Herita's efforts are forever to remain mundane compared with those of his namesake, also from the Democratic Republic of Congo, Mwepu Ilunga - the player responsible for one of the World Cup's weirdest moments. in 1974, he was selected at right back for the then Zaire (now DR Congo) national side that competed in the finals which were held in Germany. Asa buoyant Brazil, already 3-0 up and cruising, prepared to take a free kick - the bold Mwepu ran out from the wall and thumped the ball upfield to apparent safety.

Go for it, my son!
As much of the World either cringed or broke down in laughter, the referee punished Ilunga with a yellow card (yes folks - it was hard to get sent off back then!). As the story unfolded - Ilunga explained that he was acting in protest at the treatment he and his squadmates received from the National government and actually wished to get sent off!

The rule of sartorially elegant but morally-corrupt dictator Joseph mobutu continued for Zaire until 1997 when he was forced to flee and the country reverted to the Congo as it's name. Unfortunately, they have had little subsequent footballing success asstandards have risen in African football. Never the less, Ilunga will always be remembered for his remarkable contribution to footballing history!