Sunday 19 May 2013

Half Time report: 2-0: West Ham Whirlwind as Wretched Woyals wither

It’s a real ding dong battle for the Hammers Golden boot as Kevin Nolan and Andy Carroll fight it out for season’s top scorer. As a measure of the good will between these pair, Carroll used his immense physique to ‘arse’ the ball to Nolan from a poor clearance from the Reading keeper and the thankful Nolan was left with a simple tap in.


Ricky Vaz Te made it two nil with a thumper from the edge of the box, but in truth the score could be much much more only for the woodwork. Bring on the second half!

Reading provide fodder as Hammers sign off for the Summer

And so we face the final match of the season and remarkably Big Sam has done such a thorough job that the Hammers are without a care in the world. Word is that Big Sam wants to use this final match to demonstrate his capacity to deliver any style of football  and is planning a Harlem Globetrotters-style performance as a treat to sign off a satisfying first season back in the top tier! All week the players have been practising cartwheels and acrobatic flips and all manner of entertaining trickery – in Joe Cole’s case, Big Sam has told him to just play his usual audacious game

Hammers fans can reflect today on how a year can change things – poor Reading were flying high last year, rampaging towards the Premiership in swashbuckling style (including a 4-2 away victory over the Hammers), while the Hammers spluttered and stammered before falling over the line with a late late Wembley play-off final goal. Wind forward a year and Reading have been found well short of the standard and are limping back to the Championship. However, there’s  a few small matters to sort out – and amongst them will be the Hammers astonishingly poor record against the Royals over the past decade….so bad that it’s almost as poor as our record against Everton!  Meanwhile for the Wretched Woyals, they will want to avoid finishing bottom of the Premiership and will want to sign off on a positive note for their embattled fans.

Undoubtedly, Reading’s  lack of financial clout caught up on them, but they will be encouraged by goings on down at Sheffield United who are single-handedly demonstrating that massive financial power doesn’t guarantee success by remaining stuck in the tird tier despite the continued influx of cash from the Hammers post Tevezgate. One has to worry what will happen to them once this runs out….perhaps even further humiliation awaits with further relegations?

                                 The FA finally run out of patience with Sheff Utd's incessant whingeing
For Wigan fans, the relegation experience will be harsh as they are going to find out that any decent players will efficiently make their exit over the Summer and the half of the squad that remains ‘loyal’ do so more out of necessity than true devotion to the club. In short, those that stay are the ones that aren’t wanted by bigger clubs. Speaking of which, wouldn’t James McCarthy be a decent acquisition for Big Sam’s legion.

                                                                       Not Benni
Although footie fans are pretty unanimous in their positivity towards Roberto Martinez, Bigmouth Dave Whelan has upset quite a few folk, and I have no doubt that the two Davids will be feeling smug at the procurement of Momo Diame from Wigan last Summer – a player who has added at least 10 points to our haul this season – points that might have saved Wigan. Verywestham are predicting that when Martinez departs mid Summer (and he will!) the out of work Neil Warnock would provide the perfect leadership for Whelan’s regime.

The only tension would be who gets to do the most whingeing about their systematic persecution by the footballing authorities / fatcat bigger clubs / Intergalactic conspiracy of cool etc. In either case, here’s to another enjoyable day and if we win, finishing in the top half of the Premiership. Yippee!!!


Sunday 12 May 2013

Everton 2-0 West Ham: West Ham team annihilated in subbuteo travesty

The West Ham management team were left speechless after the recent trip to Goodison Park for the annual defeat to Everton. A clearly upset and openly emotional Sam Allardyce sobbed as he was interviewed…..”this is the worst annihilation of a West Ham team since Hugo and Lily took into the vintage Subbuteo side after mistaking them for a box of fairy cakes”. “The players never stood a chance – exposed to that wicked locking jaw mechanism”.

Two suspects beside what remains of the tragic Hammers team
The sordid truth is further emphasised in the full time stats which show that Everton had a colossal 23 attemps on the West Ham goal, 13 of which were on target, compared with West Ham’s paltry seven attempts of which only two were in the right direction! At least the Hammers can take some consolation in that they narrowly pipped Everton in respect of throw ins awarded – at 39 vs Everton’s modest 27. No doubt Big Sam will be looking to capitalise on this advantage when the Hammers move to the ‘spacious’ Olympic stadium!


                                                   At Last! A role for Modi Maiga
Meanwhile, Hammers spirits will be raised by the incredibly generous offer of Andy Carroll to take a cut in his 90K a week salary next season but will perhaps be disappointed that this is with the intention of rejoining his beloved Toon rather than prolong his East London adventure.  Andy has opted to stop watering the garden with champagne as a simple means of bridging the gap.


In better news, Hammers have already signed a new midfield playmaker for next season.

Everton-West Ham Half time report: 1-0 and Hammers face massive fine for fielding team of ineligible ‘ringers’

Come back here you bugger...

Having signed a two-year extension as manager of the Hammers, and with Premiership survival for next year guaranteed, Big Sam and the squad decided to head off on an early holiday. The boffins down at the Boleyn have come up with a cunning solution to the minor inconvenience of two remaining Premiership fixtures by recruiting a team of ‘trained’ actors to impersonate Sam’s lads and see out the season.

Sadly, as the first half has shown, the first XI of the Greyhound pub in Romford are not quite at Premiership standard and have struggled against an Everton side who seem to believe that with David Moyes’ imminent departure to Old Trafford, that they are playing for a place in Man United’s squad for next year.

Unfortunately, although nobody really cares about this meaningless mid table obscurity context, the rules must at least be seen to be adhered to and some of the first half antics have made it nigh on impossible to miss the fact that these Hammers impersonators are not proper pro soccer palyers….for one thing they haven’t managed a single dive or referee surrounding incident through the entire half.
Total bloody amateurs! Word is that Big Sam has been on the phone for Majorca and ordered that the Hammerettes take the pitch for the second half...

Happy Hammers bid farewell to ‘miserable’ Moyes

Just when the Hammers felt that they had nothing left to play for, up pops soon-to-be a red Be-elzebubbian David ‘dour’ Moyes with a farewell gig that provides the ideal opportunity for the Hammers to avenge 11 years of disappointment at grim Goodison Park.

Rumour has it that Big Sam has adorned the changing rooms down at Chadwell Heath with pictures of the nonsense that has been served upon our Hammers heroes over the years…

Rumour has it that the curse of Goodison began with the outrageous sending off of Ludek Miklosko in 1995 that required Julian Dicks to occupy the goals, then there was Di Canio’s ‘fair’ play award, ironically achieved against a side that have enjoyed more than good fortune in their clashes with the Bubbles boys over the years

And this season provided yet more damning evidence of witchcraft or similar tomfoolery with the stooped dismissal of Carlton Cole that totally changed the corresponding fixture earlier in the season…


No doubt,  the Everton camp will miss their charismatic leader…

West Ham 0-0 Newcastle: outbreak of extreme bolloxology ?*!~!!

Where's me Horlicks?
The Hammers are home free, out the door, already thinking about their forthcoming off-season trip to Ireland. Let’s face it, the boys have earned the right to ease off the throttle, and end of season serenity is a most unusual experience down at the Boleyn – and a welcome opportunity for some of the board to catch up on much needed sleep.

Honestly, it's just the shades that make it look like my eyes are closed!
Meanwhile, poor Newcastle have been pulled into a relegation dogfight coinciding with a terrible dip in form where to get a point with a clean sheet seemed a fantastic result.…… Cue the inevitable first half stalemate …..ZZZ


The second half saw the Hammers get more pushy and Newcastle more nervy, but to no avail and the final whistle was a merciful release from the tedium. BTW, the Hammers did edge it on fouls conceded
On to the post match analysis AND SUDDENLY ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE!!!
Initially Alan ‘pithy’ Pardew got off on some predictable whinging about videotechnology relating to a first half goal-line clearance. However, specially installed camera-motion analysis technology developed by the boffins at verywestham has clearly identified that the ball did not cross the line and that Pardew was deliberately trying to distract the notoriously gullible magpies fans away from the fact that they are a rapidly sinking ship and have sold their only decent striker in Demba Ba…
Err, let’s look at that disputed goal again… way is that COMPLETELY over the line, probably.
Then, unexpectedly, Hammers boss Sam Allardyce decided to cut loose with a foul-mouthed outburst using the word “bollocking” at least once and in a clearly audible voice. Excitement-junkie Sky viewers and sensitive Hammers fans, from the quaint and picturesque sleepy lanes of East London will have been horrified by such brutish and ungentlemanly behaviour, no doubt.
It is thought that this outburst represents a cynical ‘come and get me’ call  from the canny sports chief, and that he hopes to move into the notoriously profanity-friendly baseball leagues of North America where numerous top stars have changed their names by deed poll in order to get more attention
Big Sam’s American adventure will also offer the opportunity to visit Indianapolis’ own most titillatingly-named footie arena…

Meanwhile, the Hammers are already lining up a suitable replacement for the imprecatory Allardyce – a man who can repel any unwanted nonsense simply by introducing himself
Either way, it’s time to start planning for the holidays. Don’t forget that date!
An ideal opportunity for Uncle Trev to catch up on old team mates at the City of Cork!

Saturday 4 May 2013

Hammers plotting footie extravaganza as hungry magpies descend

Having secured their status in the top flight for next season, Big Sam’s boys are planning to cut loose at the Boleyn today by providing a rare glimpse of their more flamboyant side.

All of this will come as further bad news for ex-Hammers boss Alan Pardew who must be regretting signing up for a further twenty gazillion years as manager of the moody magpies. Having been thumped 6-0 in their last match, his troops arrive at Upton Park well primed for further sadistic frolics. 

Fans can expect to see all manner of audacious flicks, ambitious over head kicks  and storming breaks from defence. Rumours abound that Big Sam has spent all week feeding his troops on old footage of Hammers legends doing their legendary stuff.

Perhaps they might start with a Trevor Sinclair-esqe overhead kick?

And follow that up with a Vaz Te overhead special, maybe from the man himself?

And then top it off with 'that' goal......??? 

Take a bow son!