Saturday 31 January 2015

West Ham Victim of Wicked Media Conspiracy Ahead of Liverpool Clash

Yet more evidence that Noble is leaving
West Ham fans were subject today to an almost comical attack from some sources in the media as it was revealed that midfielder Mark Noble is on his way to either QPR or West Brom!!! Even more amusing, the apparent arrival of Darren Fletcher has been used as evidence that Noble is now surplus to requirements at his beloved Hammers! One wonders at the motivations for such mischievious malevolence ahead of today's crunch clash with fellow Champions league contenders Liverpool.

Perhaps the source is linked to that which recently projected an end of season Premiership table with Liverpool miraculously rising to fourth place and West Ham slipping to ninth! With a nervy keeper, confused defence, physically lightweight midfield and misfiring attack, it's hard not to feel that the computer that generated such drivel may have fallen victim to a scouser virus.

However, in news just in, we can confirm that rather than leaving to join relegation-bound Queens and Park Rangers, Mark has in fact agreed a new 125 year contract with West Ham United. Hammers fans will undoubtedly be delighted at what is widely perceived as only ample reward for his many years of commitment to the club.

However, some critics have expressed surprise at the length of the contract that has been offered. In response, club sources have revealed their logic “Mark’s agent explained to us that he has Timelord abilities and thus the capacity to represent the Hammers ad infinitum and simultaneously across time. As you might expect, we were initially quite sceptical but a search of club records provided conclusive proof of Marks repeated presence at the club over its full history”

Rumours have been circulating for some time that Noble’s commitment to West Ham is so great that he has appeared for the Hammers in a number of previous incarnations. Upon realising the significance of his time travel, the club decided to snap him up on a long-term contract.
Here below, for example, he is with the Cup winners cup winning team – unbelievably back then the young Noble was reimbursed at a mere two shillings and sixpence a year for his pre-Bosman efforts!

And again, here (back row, left), turning out for an early Thames ironworks side –Noble is readily recognised by his trademark nonchalant sideways glance!

And here, arriving at Wembley with fellow West Ham fans arriving for the 1923 FA Cup final pitch invasion. This incarnation was unusually untalented at soccer and therefore expressed his club devotion by leading the ironically named ‘casuals’
At a press conference earlier today Mark was able to reveal some startling developments in football in the future. As the Captain of our famous future three in a row Eurozone championship team in 2145, he noted “It’s all got so much easier since Man United abandoned football and became a space basketball team”

He also smiled when asked to describe the future fate of Sheffield United – Tragically they never recovered from their multiple relegations after the Tevez affair, especially when an appeal resulted in them having to return the 24 million compensation that they received from West ham. After that they were bought out by fellow whingoids - the Daleks- and used as training fodder for the dalek space rugby league team (Division 3B: Northern section, Tuesday nights).

But it’s not all fun and games in the future, as Mark noted how technology had allowed for some particularly obstinate personalities to prolong their lives, resulting in the inexterminatable version of Neil Space Warlock Warnock, last seen complaining about refereeing standards on the bleak and desolate planet of Mongo 7. Brrrrrrrrr!

Either way, we at VERYWESTHAM would like to initiate a campaign against untruthful, exaggerated and speculative journalism.....for all of eternity.

As for Today's game - Noble revealed that although West Ham have not won at Anfield in over 40 years, in the furure victories against Liverpool became a routine affair for East London's finest. Right now, here at VERYWESTHAM we predict that the Hammers will emphasise their Eurocredentials with a 2-1 win, with Liverfool rejects AC and Stewie D contributing the crucial goals and boyhood Liverpool fans Cresswell and Nolan having particularly important contributions - Cresswell with his swashbuckling runs forward and Nolan with some top class Scouse referee badgering!


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