Flectcher's 'Bad Feet' Catch Up With Him Again

Fletch - plagued by vocational misfortune

Norman Stanley Fletcher famously revealed when confronted by the Slade prison medics about his inability to find gainful employment "with these bad feet who'd have me".

And recently released performance stats from the WhoScored system suggest that 'bad feet' are a Fletcher familial affliction as current Hammers' striker Ashley Flethcher has been ranked our poorest performer so far this season!

Having picked up a lowly average score of 6.12 in his 12 appearances this season he finds himself at the bottom of our squad rankings - although treachery and betrayal are not included in the ratings which accounts for Dimitri Payet's splendid 7.8 average score!

The last time we used this gag about the central character in Porridge, it was in terms of West Ham's bid to sign Darren Fletcher who in Jan 2015 had become surplus to requirements at Manchester United. At that point, Fletcher had amassed a mere 34 games in his previous four seasons at Manchester United.

Interestingly, we are occasionally wrong at VERYWESTHAM. In the intervening period Fletcher, having made the move to West Brom, has become club captain and has been almost ever-present for the baggies delivering a whopping 75 appearances.

However, one wonders if Darren would have enjoyed such good fortune with injuries if he had moved to West Ham where for whatever reason we seem to be afflicted by a recurring  injury-plague.

With that in mind and now in the final days of the transfer window, it's time to move on from the Payet farce and focus upon the fact that WE NEED REINFORCEMENTS UP FRONT!!!


 

West Ham Victim of Wicked Media Conspiracy Ahead of Liverpool Clash

Yet more evidence that Noble is leaving

West Ham fans were subject today to an almost comical attack from some sources in the media as it was revealed that midfielder Mark Noble is on his way to either QPR or West Brom!!! Even more amusing, the apparent arrival of Darren Fletcher has been used as evidence that Noble is now surplus to requirements at his beloved Hammers! One wonders at the motivations for such mischievious malevolence ahead of today's crunch clash with fellow Champions league contenders Liverpool.

Perhaps the source is linked to that which recently projected an end of season Premiership table with Liverpool miraculously rising to fourth place and West Ham slipping to ninth! With a nervy keeper, confused defence, physically lightweight midfield and misfiring attack, it's hard not to feel that the computer that generated such drivel may have fallen victim to a scouser virus.

However, in news just in, we can confirm that rather than leaving to join relegation-bound Queens and Park Rangers, Mark has in fact agreed a new 125 year contract with West Ham United. Hammers fans will undoubtedly be delighted at what is widely perceived as only ample reward for his many years of commitment to the club.

However, some critics have expressed surprise at the length of the contract that has been offered. In response, club sources have revealed their logic “Mark’s agent explained to us that he has Timelord abilities and thus the capacity to represent the Hammers ad infinitum and simultaneously across time. As you might expect, we were initially quite sceptical but a search of club records provided conclusive proof of Marks repeated presence at the club over its full history”

Rumours have been circulating for some time that Noble’s commitment to West Ham is so great that he has appeared for the Hammers in a number of previous incarnations. Upon realising the significance of his time travel, the club decided to snap him up on a long-term contract.

Here below, for example, he is with the Cup winners cup winning team – unbelievably back then the young Noble was reimbursed at a mere two shillings and sixpence a year for his pre-Bosman efforts!

And again, here (back row, left), turning out for an early Thames ironworks side –Noble is readily recognised by his trademark nonchalant sideways glance!

And here, arriving at Wembley with fellow West Ham fans arriving for the 1923 FA Cup final pitch invasion. This incarnation was unusually untalented at soccer and therefore expressed his club devotion by leading the ironically named ‘casuals’

At a press conference earlier today Mark was able to reveal some startling developments in football in the future. As the Captain of our famous future three in a row Eurozone championship team in 2145, he noted “It’s all got so much easier since Man United abandoned football and became a space basketball team”

He also smiled when asked to describe the future fate of Sheffield United – Tragically they never recovered from their multiple relegations after the Tevez affair, especially when an appeal resulted in them having to return the 24 million compensation that they received from West ham. After that they were bought out by fellow whingoids - the Daleks- and used as training fodder for the dalek space rugby league team (Division 3B: Northern section, Tuesday nights).

But it’s not all fun and games in the future, as Mark noted how technology had allowed for some particularly obstinate personalities to prolong their lives, resulting in the inexterminatable version of Neil Space Warlock Warnock, last seen complaining about refereeing standards on the bleak and desolate planet of Mongo 7. Brrrrrrrrr!

Either way, we at VERYWESTHAM would like to initiate a campaign against untruthful, exaggerated and speculative journalism.....for all of eternity.

As for Today's game - Noble revealed that although West Ham have not won at Anfield in over 40 years, in the furure victories against Liverpool became a routine affair for East London's finest. Right now, here at VERYWESTHAM we predict that the Hammers will emphasise their Eurocredentials with a 2-1 win, with Liverfool rejects AC and Stewie D contributing the crucial goals and boyhood Liverpool fans Cresswell and Nolan having particularly important contributions - Cresswell with his swashbuckling runs forward and Nolan with some top class Scouse referee badgering!

COYI!!!

Fletcher Fails Medical due to "bad feet"

As Norman Stanley Fletcher once famously confessed when confronted by the Slade prison medics "with these bad feet who'd have me".

And so it is as the rumour mill gathers suggesting that West ham are about to sign the soon-to-be out of contract Darren Fletcher, one wonders at the wisdom of taking on board a player who has amassed a mere 34 games in the last four seasons at Manchester United.

Moreover, its hard to see how Fletcher can improve on our recent record of taking on Man U rejects as experiences with Ravel Morrison and Luke Chadwick suggest that the Mancunians are craftier than we imagine in deciding when a player is surplus to requirements (the days of Stuart Pearson are long over!). Our current success is based upon pace and agility that the 30 year old midfielder no longer has. If we really plan to build a squad with  Champions league pretentions we surely need to look for up and coming rather than fading (modest) talents.

This doesn't smack of progress. More like consolidation. Is Fletcher really an improvement on Jack Collison - both ability and fitness-wise? Moreover, poor Diego Poyet must be wondering what he has signed up to...

Let's hope Tony Pulis is more successful in his efforts to 'hijack' West ham's bid to sign the aging midfielder than to frustrate our FA cup ambitions!