|No shit, Sherlock!|
In scenes reminiscent of the awful knife attack a few years back on Hammers star Calum Davenport, the sinister goings on at 'Carroll-Castle' took a macabre turn today as it emerged that West Ham's star striker Andy Carroll barely survived an altercation with a knife!
In an effort to make light of the sordid affair, Carroll posted a pic of the injury on Instagram with a jovial caption, but ex-Hammer and crack detective Mattie 'Sherlock' Holmes revealed that private investigators are following a number of definite lines of inquiry regarding the incident...
One theory is that the relationship between Carroll and Billi Mucklow has spiralled out of control to include the ancient khoikhoi rite of digit removal as a symbol of their eternal commitment! After recent revelations about the interior decor of their abode, many fans feel that anything is possible from the aesthetically-challenged couple
An alternate possibility is that Andy has decided to follow the example of an Aussie serial killer, Ivan Milat, who posted his amputated finger to the high court as a protest against prison conditions. Ahead of the Swansea game, it is thought that Andy may be highlighting the cruel injustice that was the Cheating Chico Flores sending off affair in last season's clash.
|New images of the Kennedy assassination...|
Another possibility is that Andy is trying to set an example to young Jack Sullivan as to how he can truly apologise for his foolish and insulting comments on twitty during the midweek FA cup tie versus Everton, wherein the young cad suggested that Andy was on the skive feigning injury to celebrate his birthday! According to the Japanese ritual of 'Yubitsume' or finger shortening, proof of sincere apology requires removal of part of one's digit.
Finally, detective Holmes has suggested that the increasing West African presence in the Premiership may be bringing some added cultural dimensions, noting that men who die without producing offspring have their fingers severed and placed as an anal suppository to shame the corpse into reincarnating as a hyper fertile female...Andy's modest ten goals in two years for West Ham is thought to be slightly higher than that which might justify such ritualistic behaviour.
|Poiret: another of the growing Belgian contingent in the Premiership|
At VERYWESTHAM we think he's been watching a few stagnight-themed movies ahead of his marriage to Billi.
|Teddy!?! Is Sheringham in on it as well?|