All things West Ham
and West of West Ham....
and a bit more besides!
Monday 19 August 2013
Hammer's stars urged to fake their own deaths!
As the transfer window closure date looms ever closer, the
pressure upon West Ham to find a striking back-up for Andy ‘injury-prone’
Carroll has intensified to breaking point. The Hammers board have emphasised
that their failure to identify a suitable striking understudy is not due to any
skin-flint behaviour on their part, but rather relates to UEFA ‘fair’ play
rules regarding the total wage bill that is allowed for any single club.
Is 'Lucky' playing undercover for the Hammers?
As such, unless the Hammers can reduce the bill (by
offloading some high earners) then they simply cannot offer the colossal
salaries that the ever so talented forwards of today’s game would undoubtedly
expect. With no clear contenders seeking the services of Ricky VazTe and other
possible exports, VERYWESTHAM have identified no less thanfive ways the Hammers can free up cash for a new striker!
Option One: Kill off some first team squad members. Unfortunately,
the current squad lacks an obvious unpopular member. Both Alou Diarra and Ravel
Morrison have previously been in the sin bin but this was for mere ‘needs a bit
of a spanking’-type offences, and as such the death penalty would be perceived
as too harsh a punishment for the crimes of sulking or pretending to be a
gangsta etc. The likes of Gary Breen, Julien Faux-Pas and the legendary Allen
McNightmare can count themselves lucky that their tenure at Fortress Upton Park
predated the new regime, as a firing squad would have been an inevitable
intervention in all three cases!
Option Two: Offer a pay
cut for existing squad members but with payment in kind. The Hammers close
association with high-brow lingerie retailers, Ann Summers would seem to offer
an ideal means of ‘rewarding’ our lads for their on-field efforts. In
particular, the man-boob support braces™
and knickerbox underbody armour range™
could prove pretty useful for the squad both on and off the field and thus allow
for a massive cut in wages. However, any such plans have been scuppered by Captain
Kevin Nolan, who has warned any first teamers who wear provocative underwear beneath
their kit will be forced to room with him on the upcoming away trip to ‘crazy
and anything goes’ toontown. Hmmmm.
Option Three: Encourage
high earning players to fake their own deaths. The Hammers bosses, having
trapped themselves in a situation with a lack of anything approaching adequate
striking resources, have resorted to leaving subtle hints to their first team
squad that might encourage them to exit the Hammers payroll. Drawing from the
amazing success of Timothy Dexter – the 19th century American
entrepreneur who announced that his wife was dead and that the woman (of
similar appeareance) who was occupying his house was merely her ghost – the Hammers
might pretend that Kevin Nolan has passed on and that the guy who keeps popping
up out of nowhere to score for the Hammers is in fact a poltergeist!
An alternative ruse might be to take a similar line to Ken
Kesey, author of “One flew over the
cuckoo’s nest” who faked his own death to escape a marijuana possession rap
in the mid-1960s only to return alive and well a few months later back from
Mexico where he had been hiding out. A similar ‘loan period’ arrangement might
apply between the Hammers and their less sophisticated (and quite economically
challenged) neighbours south of the Thames at Millwall. However, the
ultra-violent Mexican street gang culture of South London might prove too terrifying
for any of the current Hammers squad.
Option Four: Cook the
books. No. Bad option. Tevezgate sent a warning to all clubs that all
paperwork must be in order, forever more. In particular, Sheffield United fans
would resist any moves that might result in their receiving another massive 20
million cash injection as the last one has almost resulted in their club
getting relegated from the football league as they languish in the third tier
having squandered colossal amounts of Hammers-donated cash on what has become a
veritable donkey sanctuary at Bramall Lane.
Option Five: Try to
reason with UEFA! As always with any serious news item, we like to finish
with a light-hearted piece – the stranded cute little kitten rescued from a
tree-type of thing – and as such we have included the ridiculous notion of trying
to reason with the geriatric fascists at UEFA. With the amount of dosh that is
sloshing around in soccer these days, it is abundantly clear to anybody with
the slightest grasp of economics that such rules around expenditure merely
serve to divert the money elsewhere e.g. under 21 players are now massively elevated
in value which will only serve to populate soccer with spoilt and overpaid
wannabes who haven’t yet even kicked a ball at the highest level (think
Chadwell Heath pre-Allardyce!). Some unhelpful observers have suggested that if
the Hammers invested a bit more in the youth system (which includes giving
developing stars some occasional game time) this wouldn’t be such a problem for
the club as we would have the usual burgeoning flow of young talent. Either way
this option is, of course, laughably naïve as the unreasonable and out of touch
UEFA ubërlords would simply use any such representations to further amuse and
titillate themselves while they feast upon the continued corruption and demise
of the beautiful game.