Monday 5 August 2013

Hammers ready to swoop for attacking reinforcements: Cabanas, Kai, McQuistan, Ketchum?

As the Summer Transfer mayhem began West Ham moved swiftly to nail down the services of Andy Carroll and to strengthen the full back berth by signing the experienced Ratzvan Rat. However, as the weeks have rolled on, the Hammers are struggling to identify back up for the injury-prone Carroll with a host of strikers linked to the club but unwilling to sign up and wary of finding themselves sitting beside Modi Maiga warming the bench in Allardyce’s “one up front” formation.

VeryWestHam has identified four potential signings who could more than fill the gap left by the departures of Carlton Cole and Rob Hall…..

1. Salvador Cabanas

The Paraguayan hitman certainly has been prolific during his career and was even the second highest scorer in the world in 2007. Pictured during his Club America days, he may find the Hammers current jersey logo a little tame. One drawback would certainly be the serious injury he sustained in 2010 when he was shot in the head in the BarBar niteclub in Mexico City. He bravely returned to action in 2012 and is currently plying his trade in the Paraguayan second division.

2. Natasha Kai

The US national soccer team’s striker boasts an impressive scoring record with 25 goals in 67 international matches and is just returning from a nasty knee injury. The combination of good looks and intriguing tattoo art would certainly distract opposing defences, thereby creating much needed space for messrs Carroll et all. Moreover, Kai has also represented the US in International rugby which would undoubtedly be a bonus for any Allardyce side. Unfortunately, the FA remain an inherently sexist organisation and would undoubtedly block any efforts to register a female for Premeirship action. However, the Hammers are thought to be considering an appeal based upon the precedent set by girlie-featured footie stars such as Ronaldinho, Sergio Ramos and Robbie Savage.

3. Pat McQuistan

With the almost certain demise of the orc-like ugliness of Stoke City in the aftermath of Tony Pulis’ unusually ‘amicable’ departure, Big Sam will almost certainly see an opening for a new aesthetically-displeasing outfit who can terrorise more feeble Premiership outfits in to submission. The signing of the particularly scary McQuistan (ironically termed in American football speak as an ‘offensive tackler’) could be a brilliant move that despite his lack of soccer-football experience, would ensure maximum return from the likes of Crystal Palace, Norwich, Swansea and maybe even those ballet queens over at the Emirates?

4. Mr George Ketchum

This would represent the sort of high-profile and audacious signing that Hammers fans crave, snatching the formidable powerhouse from London neighbours and arch rivals at Whipsnade Zoo. Hammers fans would be licking their lips at the thought of the twinned forces of George with Momo Diame thundering through meek Premiership defences. However, George’s determination to play with tusks intact could be in contravention of rule 4 in the FIFA handbook “A player must not use equipment or wear anything that is dangerous to himself or another player. All items of jewelry are strictly forbidden and must be removed. Using tape as cover is not acceptable”.

Hmmmm….back to the drawing board so……..has anyone got a contact number for Jordan Rhodes agent?

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