Friday 1 August 2014

Ravel Could Face the Death Penalty...


 
As Hammers starlet Ravel ‘Raveldo’ Morrison continues to stew whilst on remand at her majesty’s pleasure, the soccer star might ponder how fortunate he is that he is not a basketball or American ‘Football’ player in the USA (or any of the other 57 countries who still practice capital punishment) where he would almost certainly be facing a death sentence or similar form of justice for his alleged wrongdoings of last weekend.
 
The UK gave up on exterminating it’s perpetrators just around the time they last had a decent football team (Yes- the West Ham-inspired boys of ’66!), prompting some observers to link the demise of the death penalty to the shortage of decent English players to make up a capable footie-firing squad. However, there is no guarantee that the current government won’t reintroduce the punishment in an effort to garner popularity with the growing far right movement that has gathered within the UKIP party.

 
One option would be for Morrison to be extinguished by lethal injection – a sinister and painful method that has recently been exposed as quite seriously ineffective for many recipients who can sometimes be left writhing in agony for up to an hour before finally succumbing. A far more severe punishment would be that dished out to Joey Barton who was convicted of assault in 2008 and forced to repay his debt to society by working on the chain gang that is Honest Harry Redknapp’s QPR. However, after spending four months at Loftus road earlier this season, it is thought that Morrison may have developed a liking for the blue and white hooped jersey that is favoured by QPR, Reading and most prison chain gangs.

QPR model their new strip for the coming season
 
Soap on a rope: an essential prison accessory
Irene Grimshure, an elderly woman who is thought to use the same local convenience store as Ravel’s mum, expressed her concerns for the poor lad as he faces into another week of prison awaiting the actual trial “I hope those other inmates leave him alone – he’s still recovering after a recent groin operation and needs to get as much rest as he can” she pleaded "you do hear such awful stories about what goes on in prisons between the inmates".

 
Other sources have dismissed concerns regarding Ravel's possible death pnalty verdict as media hysteria and point out that Death by Penalty (shoot out) is a punishment that is regularly dished out to English footballers (mostly by Germans) with Gareth ‘insipid boy next door’ Southgate and former Hammer Stuart ‘Psycho’ Pierce as previous victims. In some cases the punishment may not be full and absolute death as in the case of Chris Waddle who’s punishment was commuted to a life sentence wearing the awful mullet he adopted as a ‘fashion’ statement in the early nineties.

As the Hammers prepare to face Schalke today at least we can rest assured that if it's level after 90 minutes on this occasion there won't be any capital punishment dished out to our lads!

13 comments:

  1. Ravel is a troubled child but every sport has it's wild child, all that counts is what he can do with the ball. The world is not perfect but watch this kid on the ball is almost perfection. So to all the stuck up press live in the real world, leave the kid alone
    Steviez

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    1. pity he hasnt got a modern day 'Fletch' to put him on the straight and narrow!

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    2. "all that counts is what he can do with the ball" typical ham fan, no standards... what a dirtbag u and all hams are. filthy humans.

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  2. Seriously..?! So it's ok to go around beating women as long as you can dribble a ball... This lad is supposed to be a role model. Being a footballer on a ridiculous wage does not mean that you can live outside the laws of society..!! What drivel...

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    1. No - definitely NOT ok to go around beating anybody up but he isn't convicted of anything just yet

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  3. innocent until....
    especially where its one chav against another.

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  4. Not particularly funny I'm afraid. The death penalty is not something to joke about, and Ravel Morrison obviously needs help to sort himself out and stay away from trouble, so making him the butt of a joke isn't helpful. I did appreciate the UKIP dig though ;-)

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  5. I think you need to look again - there are some observations about the stupidity of the death sentence in terms of wrong convictions and in simple terms it's cruel and inefficient procedure. Hmmmm.

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  6. Time inside is make your mind up time for ravel. He's supposedly got a flat in canary wharf, what could prove to be a regular well paid job & the trappings that go with it. On the other hand, he could be looking at the life of a waster, looking over his shoulder all the time & dreaming of what could have been. Only he can make the choice.

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  7. R u a counsillor or sumfink?

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  8. Neither. I'm a diplomat. Dunno what the f*** that got a do with anyone tho.

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  9. Just u seem empathetic.

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  10. No one called me that since me 2nd Mrs. Or somfing like it.

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