Saturday 16 August 2014

West Ham Legend Victim of Bizarre Shooting Incident

The football world was in shock today after news that a West Ham midfield legend had been victim to a shooting incident during a daylight robbery in East London. Despite a strong police presence, there was simply nothing anybody could do as events seemed to spiral out of control and ended tragically.

Mark Noble has occupied the position of most consistent penalty taker in Premiership history until he stepped up in his own back yard to slot away a spot kick. There was no sense that anything was amiss as he duly sent the hapless Hugo Lloris the wrong way but, in a bizarre turn of events, the ball was captured by some mysterious centrifugal force and pulled wide of the post.


Recent incidents involving laser pointers and the like have alerted police to the possibility that similar technology, incorporating magnets or such like, may have been employed by the criminals. The match ball has been removed for forensic tests and Police are appealing to any members of the public who may have witnessed the incident to call their incident hotline at 0208-ROBBERY.

The FA have also launched an investigation into another incident during the game wherein it seems that Tottenham may have fielded an ineligible player who took their second half free kick after the dismissal of James Collins for deliberate ginger-hairedness - an offence that  warrants a mandatory RED card. The player, employed the Roberto Carlos-style long run up before thumping the ball Jonny Wilkinson-like over the wall into the hands of the ever-vigilant Adrian in the West Ham goal. The effort as considerably better than that of Christian Ericksen who lashed the re-taken effort high over the crossbar and into the stands. As usual, the on-bail Ravel Morrison is being held responsible.

Meanwhile, the record keepers at Upton Park have been busy calculating the impact of today’s events upon the all-time penalty-taking stats. Noble has tumbled from first to third in success rate and down to fourth in the all-time ranking! As always, the Hammers legend has vowed to fight on and will undoubtedly be back slotting them away next week in training.  Meanwhile, Police are focusing their enquiries around the North-East London area.

Hammers Penalty Supremos

Total penalties and conversion rate
Confidence, crucial conversions vs misses, cheekiness rating 
Overall Rating
33/36 = 92%
35/39 = 88%
81/86 = 94%
18/19 = 94%


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