Welcome back fellow Hammers!!! It’s that time of year when you can indulge your dweebtastic side by assembling a make believe team of players with freakish abilities that accumulate points towards a meaningless tally of tosh – all of which ultimately amounts to nothing other than a pointless points score when pitted against the might of unemployed tossers from Rochdale and the likes who have time to constantly follow the bogus stats and switch players every week.However, fear not intrepid Hammersfans because at VERYWESTHAM we have designed a footy competition that allows you to test your knowledge of the ‘real’ skills of the modern game – the VERYWESTHAM Freaking fantastic Fantasy Football League!!!!
Yes indeed, the FFFF emphasizes those aspects of performance that really benefit the club - instead of giving points for boring balderdash like ‘goals scored’, ‘assists’ and ‘clean sheets’, we are allocating points according to much more revealing aspects of players performances to test the more astute observer. Entrants will select a five-a-side team drawn exclusively from Hammers players (past and present) and each week their selections will be rated in terms of the following;
|Even Hammers fans find the chicken dance annoying!|
This is rated from a highest score of 3 (equivalent to a full Kevin Nolan, including the really irritating Chicken dance goal celebration) down to a paltry 0 (allocated to ‘nice’ players like Paulo Wanchope and Shaka Hislop who were generally viewed as ‘likeable’ by fans of other teams). Persistent hectoring of opposition players when they have possession is a solid points earner, but over indulgent and prolonged goal celebrations are allocated top points! We have already witnessed how new midfield enforcer Cheikidh Kouyate will be a high scorer on the annoyingness scale
This ranges from a top score of 3 for performances as passionate as the uber-earnest Tomas Repka to a lowly 0 given to any player who smiles during proceedings or makes any other gestures that suggest it’s only a game rather than a battle to the very death. Under Big Sam, the current squad tend are consistently high performers on this attribute and are said to have derived no fun or pleasure from last season - just like most of the watching fans!
A much under-rated skill as Glen Johnson (scored minus 1) discovered in the World cup with his embarrassing foul throw incident (didn’t Tony Carr and the lads teach him how to throw the ball in at the academy?). Top scores are allocated to players with the overarm missile capacity of Hammers and Millwall legend Steve Lomas
(4) Maintaining strip etiquette:
|As punk legends the Damned would say: Neat, Neat, Neat!|
The modern game has witnessed a serious deterioration in adherence to on-field dress codes with some (mostly foreign) players daring to turn out wearing gloves and under armour. In an effort to encourage better etiquette, we will be allocating points for players who keep their kits free of muddy blemishes and maintain proper sock height during matches (the ever ‘tidy’Scott Parker was a regular high scorer on this item) . Rolling up of collars or other pretentious behaviour will be severely punished with minus points, as will any ‘it’s a bit parky out there, I think I’ll wear mittens today’ pooftyness! Aaron Cresswell has been reported to keep a particularly tidy dressing room locker and on the evidence from his excellent Premiership debut on Saturday will probably be pretty tidy in his on-field efforts as well
(5) Credibility of innocent gesturing after deliberate skulduggery:
The nonchalant raised hands for a ‘sorry mate, did that hurt?’ or ‘Oops, I might have been a little late in the tackle there!’ are classics that will be awarded points but the pained ‘we don’t have to make a big deal about this in front of all those West Ham fans’ that typically precedes a deserved red card for a penalty box ‘coming-together’ is the highest points earner in this category. James Collins confused the earnest ("I will kill you if necessary") with ("twas just a minor accident gov, harmless stuff really") in his efforts to avoid a red card on Saturday and duly got his marching orders and nil points in this section for his club!
|Classic Noble 'honesty'|
(6) Amusing hairstyles:
At £50 a pop to attend matches we expect players to at least give us a laugh. Carlton Cole and Ricky Vaz Te have been the best performers from the current squad and set the benchmark for follicular frolics over recent years. Newbie Diego Poyer looks well capable of dreadlocks and may be a clever choice. Coloured hair or silly shaving will earn points, but top scores are reserved for ridiculous hair extensions. Obviously, David James remains the all-time top scorer for the club in this challenging category.
|Despite repeated attempts, James never quite reached the level of Valderama (bottom right)|
And so there we have it, a new fantasy game to distract us from the on-field tedium. Participating fans can purchase a weekly points calculator for a mere £99 through ‘Arry’s Appstore!
Happy Hammers-watching out there folks!!!
How dare you call me that.