SAM: West Ham will finish in the top four!

As news emerged that a top computer has predicted that West Ham will be among the relegation scrappers next season, Big Sam is said to have finally given up on his obsession with computer-assisted statistics as a guide to tactical analysis. 

Got any jellied eels?

Instead, Sam has apparently turned to an animal oracle as a means of predicting scores, and linked in with his namesake - 'Sam' the Squid - a cousin of the infamous German Octopus who demonstrated Nostradamus-like qualities in the World cup. Sam, who currently resides at WetPets tropical fish suppliers in Romford, is said to have gobbled up some gormless-looking guppies who dared to come into his tank today as a sign that West Ham will once again demolish Spurs in the season's opener at Upton Park on Saturday as they push for  top four slot this season.


Meanwhile, bad boy rap artist Ravel-doh! has returned to training with the Hammers after his recent court and prison experiences. Big Sam, known as a strict disciplinarian, has dealt out a series of punishments including forcing the 'gangsta' to wear a bra during training.

In other news, fans will be delighted to learn that Tuesday 26th August has ben set as the date for the Capitol One Cup clash with Sheffield United. The FA are said to have initiated a major recruitment drive to ensure that they have adequate staff to man their complaints  hotline as it is expected that the belligerent Blades will once again keep the games governing body busy with their whinging after the inevitable thrashing being prepared for them by the mighty Hammers!




 In shock late news developments, it appears that all predictions will now have to be revised in the light of news of Tony Pulis' sudden departure from Crystal Palace this evening. Even an emotionally unintelligent robot would know that without Pulis' incredible magic the Eagles are now favourites along with Burnley for the drop.


Whatever else, they won't get another six points off us this year!