Sunday 17 August 2014

West Ham Player Recovering after Shooting Tragedy

Happier times relaxing with the Verywestham team
The Hammers medical team have been working around the clock after yesterday's bizarre and grotesque shooting incident at Upton Park. Lead Psychobabbleologist Dr Hansi Von Windyballs has described how a programme of extreme debriefing has been used to assist spot kick supremo Mark Noble in his recovery after an apparent miss* whilst taking a penalty against Spurs.

*Note Police are still awaiting forensic reports on the match ball which they suspect may have been tampered with and as such the 'miss' remains technically unconfirmed.

Mark wanted to hold onto his kecks so we had to forcefully remove them in keeping with top international standards for psychological debriefing. Happily, Mark responded quickly to the therapy and appeared on Match of the Day last night to confirm that he will be stepping up without hesitation to take the next penalty that comes the Hammers way.

Debriefing was initially trialled as a therapeutic option in rugby
Dr Von Windyballs has emphasized that the sooner Mark gets a chance to banish his demons the better and, along with offensive coach Teddy Sheringham, is working with the team to optimise the chances of West Ham getting another penalty as soon as possible. Tom Daley, Team GB's Olympic hero, has been flown in to assist, as has Chico 'squealing' Flores who will help with the aural element of 'penalty achieving' behaviours.

I get knocked down, and I get up again....

We expect the Hammers to get another penalty soon and for Noble to slot it away without hesitation.

Meanwhile, West Ham have been linked with the supporter who invaded the pitch and stepped up to take a Spurs free kick. Although security staff ended his involvement prematurely, his undoubted ability was noted by Big Sam and it is rumoured that he may be the subject of a bid before the transfer window closes in a fortnight's time.




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