The press office at West Ham have issued for wide release a statement that Momo Diame’s whereabouts is not known to them and, amongst other things, alien abduction is being considered as one of the more likely reasons underpinning his disappearance.
|An artist’s impression of Helpless Momo being whisked away to his new club|
It has been widely rumoured that the aliens responsible for upsetting David Icke and the likes, who are generally fatigued by most homosapien behaviour, have a bizarre interest in Association football, and may have decided to abduct Diame for one of their crucial intergalactic federation champions league ties. At this stage, the Hammers press office are unable to confirm whether this is thought to reflect a short-term ‘loan’ for a single game, or if in fact they have decided to naturalise the splendid Senegalese performer and build a whole team around his physical game?
|The aliens would have no chance|
Sources have expressed surprise at the apparent move, given that space soccer has many crucial differences from the Earthling version. For one thing, space referees do not tolerate the abuse that our cowering men in black endure, with yellow and red cards aligned to physical punishments for the perpetrators. The refereeing retribution is so severe that it has been speculated that some premiership ‘cheats’ would be putting their life in danger by changing code!
|Typical space soccer scenes|
Another key difference is that games are won by the team that inspires the highest rating on a giant pitch-side clapometer, thus ensuring that busy and price-sensitive aliens are not forced to endure the dull overpriced dross that fans of many Premiership clubs are served up. Also, teams score bonus credits for amusing tricks like nutmegging and surprise wedgying of opponents.
|Honestly, We've no idea what you're on about|
Other seasoned Hammers observers have suggested that the Diame abduction yarn is merely a ruse from those craft Cockney campaigners Sullivan and Gold that is aimed to discourage the attentions of unprincipled clubs such as Arsenal, Spurs, Chelsea, Man United, Man City, QPR, Everton, Real Madrid, Paris St Germain, Barcelona, ……………….. In either case, enraged Hammers fans have vowed to exact retribution on any life force that attempts to prise Diame away from the Boleyn – even if it means full intergalactic warfare!!!