Sunday 6 January 2013

West Ham ∞ Man Utd 2: Infinitesimally FA-rcical frolics as Hammers Crack Devils Code

Mercilless Mancunian tyrant SIR Alex Ferguson was left fuming last night in the aftermath of a scintillating encounter at Fortress Boleyn. Even though his side survived this particular skirmish, the manner by which West Ham scored at least two goals provided a simple guide to other clubs on how to vanquish the Devils – all you need is a right footed left winger and a physically imposing player on the edge of the penalty area and HEY PRESTO!

However, other sources have voiced concerns that the Hammers second goal may in fact have merely been an action replay of the first goal as they seemed identical. This may represent the first warning about the dangers of applying video technology to assist in refereeing of matches with the risk of replays being mistaken for new events! Conspiracy theorists have countered that in fact if you look closely that James Collins is standing 3 cm further to the left when Joe Cole crosses the ball for the second goal.

Other observers have pointed towards rogue scientists experimenting with new echo technology that has the capacity to make events recur endlessly. If this is indeed true, maths boffins have revealed that although the hammers may be ahead by a score of infinity-2, the game can never actually reach completion as the goalscoring will go on and on and on. Helpless Hammers fans may have to endure an endless state of scoring against the hapless Mancs and season ticket sales have reportedly gone thru the roof!

The match was also marred by Robin Van Persie’s bizarre behaviour whilst preparing to come on as a substitute whereby he rushed down the tunnel apparently to take a pee! Experts have highlighted how bladder voiding before entering the field of play is the latest fad amongst pampered and impressionable football players. While some experts are predicting that this will have the same short lifespan as the ridiculous trend for wearing nose strips in the 1990s, One top Doc has predicted that it is only a matter of time before some players start to seek full colonic irrigation in preparation for big matches!

In post-match developments, top sleuths at the FA have Launched an enquiry into allegations that Robbing your purse-y may not have been going to the bathroom to void his bladder but in fact was sneaking into the dressing room to insert specially-designed football magnets into his boots. These devices were apparently developed by Dutch scientists in the 1990's and explain how some players can ‘magically’ make the ball stick to their boots - just as Robbing did for Man United's ‘equaliser’. If proven to be true, it is expected that the Gooners will have all of Denis Bergcamp's magnet-assisted goals erased and will thus extend their current 8 years of trophy-drought.

Finally, by far and away the most significant event during yesterday's proceedings was the triumphant return to Upton Park of our own Joseph John Cole. Welcome home son!


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