Tuesday 1 January 2013

Hammers can only Muster Lacklustre Filibuster: Reading 1-0 West Ham

Drat, Darn, Dash it all! Hammers came over all festive at the Majeski Stadium gifting Reading a starter that was never developed upon by either side and turned out to be the whole Christmas dinner! Chief suspects in spoiling the festive feast were the hapless Hammers who huffed and puffed but could not blow the Reading house down despite 61% of the possession – a most unusual statistic for Big sam’s troops who seemed bemused and unsure what to do with so much of the ball.

It has been speculated that James Collins present giving spree was provoked by Pavel Pogrebnyak taunting him that Santa doesn’t really exist and that even if he did he wouldn’t go to Wales. In response, Collins proved the existence of the Santa spirit by slotting the previously profligate through for an unmissable opportunity to grap a slice of  turkey from the Hammers dinner table. However, at the other end Ricardo Vaz Te demonstrated that there is no such thing as an unmissable chance when he misjudged the flight of a perfect cross and managed not to score from 134 cm out from the Reading Gaol, where Oscar Wilde once commented that ‘to miss one sitter is unfortunate, but two is utter carelessness’.

is it a bird, or a plane? ....oh it's a perfectly flighted cross

For Royals boss Brian McDermott the news got even better as top neuropsychoscientologists revealed plans to include his image in their new concussion-buster® test that helps to distinguish whether players who are mostly feigning injury are in fact fit to continue on the field of play. Injury victims concussion levels are assessed by asking them to distinguish four celebrity baldies ranging from the hilarious Harry Hill to the hilarious Ross kemp and even more titillating Charlton Hestonthal. Players who cannot identify McDermott will still be allowed to continue as most Premiership players have no idea who manages Reading.

                                                              Name That Baldy...

Either way, it’s back to the Boleyn drawing board for the Hammers who will next seek to silence the canaries from Norfolk. Cheap Cheap!

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