Thursday 10 January 2013

Ba Humbug! Five that the Hammers need to target in the transfer window

The season is long and hard and inevitably reinforcements become necessary as we hit the hard months after the busy Christmas fixture list. Here we examine some of the more attractive possible recruits for Big Sam and the Two Davids to try and recruit during the transfer window…

1. Ents

The remarkable deterioration in Hammer’s results since Momo Diame’s injury-enforced absence highlights the need for adequate ‘man-mountain’ back up – the giant Ents from the Lord of the Rings could provide the perfect replacement for Momo and their absence from the Hobbit means that they are at a loose end and would be almost certainly available for a song!

2. Robert Hall

The pacey and tricky little striker could provide some welcome diversity in the Hammers offensive efforts. Hold on, he’s actually our player! Errr why is he at Birmingham City while we have clearly needed a striker to offer support for ‘lonely’ Carlton Cole. Let's double sign him!

Yeuch, what a terrible kit!
3. Mugatu

Although the Big Sam ‘method’ has brought a new found efficiency to the club, Hammers faithful still pine for a classy midfield maestro of the Devonshire / Brooking / Bishop ilk and the stylish playmaker from Zoolander could be just the person to add a little more flair to the Hammers ahead of their move to the fashionable Olympic stadium. Although likely to command a high price, Mugatu would be attracted to the East Londoners by virtue of our aesthetically pleasing club kits, especially the legendary double claret hooped sky blue away strip.

4. Demba Ba

The Hammers are perfectly positioned to make an audacious swoop for the newly arrived Chelski striker. The West Londoners would never expect us to tap him up right now when he has just signed a lucrative new contract but we could make a stunning raid just when they were off guard. Since it took us almost 10 years to retrieve young Joe Cole after they kidnapped him, we can expect to have Ba at our disposal for at least half as long before the FA coppers catch up with us! 

5. Wilson

No, not Palacios, but the faithful Wilson who saved Tom Hanks from total insanity in Castaway. Given the terrifyingly one-sided possession statistics for most of West Ham’s games, where we seek to survive on 30-35% possession, the squad desperately needs some ball contact in order to maintain their ball skills and Wilson could prove just what’s needed.

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