Wednesday 16 January 2013

Play it again Sam: Hammers seek cheap thrills at Old Trafford

In the same week that FA chairman David Bernstein lashed out at the excessive cost of supporting football during these times of wicked austerity, cash-strapped Hammers fans face an economically challenging visit to Old Trafford. Tickets for the third round FA cup replay have been priced at a whopping £45 – more than  twice as expensive as tickets were priced for the original tie ten days ago! Not surprisingly, some Hammers fans have been forced to explore ways by which they might take in the match  without enduring the crippling admission prices imposed by the greedy Mancunians.

Hammers fans setting out from the capital this morning

Our intrepid undercover reported at verywestham has infiltrated some supporter ‘cells’ in order to find out what the inventive Bubbles boys have been up to:

We will fight them on the beaches

By far and away the most popular option appears to be to travel to the match by hot air balloon which can then hover above the stadium – in initial plans, some fans hoped to make a series of Dunkirk-style on-pitch landings before the game but after taking advice from previous Old Ttrafford attendees they have realised that their view of the match should be just as good from the hot air balloons as it would be from most of the ‘upper’ seats in Old Trafford. Moreover, the need for liberal use of binoculars in order to follow the game will provide excellent preparation for the new Olympic stadium experience where the nearest ‘pitch-side’ seating will be a humungous 10 metres from the on-field action!.

Other fans have started working on a tunnel under the ground and plan to burrow their way to emerge at the away end. However, observers have warned that with even the most minor miscalculation they could appear in the 'dreaded' Stretford end. Happily, there is little likelihood of the visiting supporters being in any danger as the home ‘fans’ are unlikely to equate non-Mancunian accents with being imposters.

Many fans have been attending crash courses at the Fregoli school of disguise and  impersonation – the 19th century Italian master of surprise is still remembered in London for his stunning performances that paved the way for a whole generation of thieves, pickpockets and burglars across the capital!  

Of course, the art of impersonation is a familiar phenomenon to Hammers fans, with obvious examples painfully close to home; Benni McCarthy posing as a top class striker with a hunger for on-field success as possibly the best recent case.

The possibility of posing as an on-duty policeman and mingling with the security staff is another attractive option that would require minimal skills of deception apart from mastering the capacity to glare menacingly at innocent members of the public who have committed the ‘crime’ of attending a footie match!

Another strategy would be to dress up as schoolchildren and sneak in to the family enclosure using the considerably less expensive children’s tickets. However, some Hammers fans have expressed concerns that such behaviour could easily be misconstrued and result in the ‘perpetrators’ finding themselves on an offenders register.

I'm a little (red) Devil!
Other fans have decided to just ‘come clean’ and admit that the price of admission is beyond their limited means and simply beg for charity. This is considered a very high risk strategy that has already been used to death by Man United fans who are forced to endure the exorbitant price of admission to Old Trafford on a regular basis in order to squawk their approval for Wooney’s ‘undoubted class’, Wio’s ‘football intelligence’ or Wyan’s ‘latest genius offering’......... Pfaff!!!

Is that illegitimate or illiterate?

However you get there, good luck tonight lads!


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