Di Canio for the Hot Seat at Ailing Hotspurs

Paolo strips down for Spurs

It’s always painful to see your neighbour suffering and sadly for the Hammers fans we have to regularly endure the pantomime of Tottenham’s overambitious fumblings going wrong. And so it is that Mourinho-lite has been deemed merely light on leadership and duly sacked by a panicked board who appear to have wasted the 100 gazillion quid transfer fee for Gareth Bale on a bunch of gutless journeymen who would be better suited to the boards at Drury rather than White Hart (Lane).

But help is on the way. Verywestham have learned that his almighty craziness, the one and only Paolo Di Canio, is eyeing the Tottenham job. Having been forced to dump the ill-disciplined Slumberland, Paolo is looking for pastures new to ply his wares and the case is more than compelling – consider these five reasons why Di Canio would be perfect for Tottenham:

1. He’s a Hammer: Tottenham have lacked cohesion since their disgraceful sacking of Harry Hammer who thankfully has subsequently developed a successful career as an author of Fairy Tales and children’s stories. In truth, without regular donations from their East London neighbours, Spurs would never survive at the highest level as their youth system is simply not sufficiently productive. Luckily, the generosity of the Bubbles Boyz is such that they have boosted ailing Tottenham teams over the years with the likes of Jermain Defoe and Michael Carrick as well as Sir Martin Peters, of course. In return, those mean Hotspurs have sent the Hammers a spent Jimmy Greaves and Calum Davenport. Hmmm.

2. Di Canio knows how to beat Arsenal, Chelsea and Man United:  Let’s face it, Tottenham will never really win anything of note as they are simply not at that level. Instead, their best bet for happiness is the occasional victory over one of the big clubs, including ‘arch’ rivals Arse n all. As his time at the Hammers demonstrated, Mr Di Canio has the knack of getting one over on each of these clubs – on occasion almost single handedly which may be a skill he would need with the current Tottenham squad!

3. Di Canio is a disciplinarian: Premiership sides looked on with interest as west Ham demonstrated earlier this season how to dismantle the current gutless Tottenham side – and then Man City and Liverpool followed the example by heaping humiliation upon the tragic North Londoners – in all cases on their own turf. OOOOghhhhh that hurts! Di Canio would simply not tolerate such nonsense and would be likely to impose all manner of amusing bans and punishments upon his players for such performances. Watch out mobile phones and various condiments!

4. He’s not a fascist! The howling protestations from the uber-sensitive PC police in the aftermath of Di Canio’s appointment to Slumberland served to provide a platform for the crazy one to explain his complicated political philosophy. This, it appears, is actually a cry for world peace and more funding for animal refuges and donkey sanctuaries – which is where Tottenham fits in perfectly! Moreover, the prospect that his arrival could provoke members of the board to resign in protest ala Miliband would surely come as music to the ears of current Tottenham fans who must be sick of the eratic posturings of the current lot?

5. Only a crazy person would go to Tottenham at present! After the experiences of the past 7-8 years of the ruthless and downright ridiculous dismissals of a chain of managers before they have even warmed the ‘Hot’spur seat, one must conclude that only somebody who is more than just a little bit crazy in the coconut would get involved with those trigger happy honchos at the Lane. Poor Paolo is more than a little vulnerable right now after the Sunderland experience and could thus be the perfect target for the advances of a substandard outfit like ColdSpurs.

Dedicated to Dr John – the only Spurs fan in the village, probably!