Mysterious list reveals the strikers who are REALLY on Big Sam’s wishlist

Rumours abound that a mysterious list found on the back of a discarded fag box beside Upton Park may in fact be Big Sam’s ‘secret’ wish list of replacement strikers. The badly soaked cardboard cancer-carrying box contained five barely legible names – apparently all top targets for the under siege East end club! What's more, this list reveals the innermost thoughts of the Hammers board as they try to buy their way out of the depressing mess we have gotten into during the first half of the 2013-14 season. We explore the relative merits of these fascinating targets…

Luis Suarez: The diminuitive little Uruguayan has been unsettled at Liverpool for some time, possibly because there is so little to do in the Chechnian-like hellhole that surrounds the river Mersey. It is rumoured that Suarez’s recent sensational performances are merely an effort to escape from the over-intense rantings of Anfield’s footballing has-beens. Previous bids by the Arse n all have fallen just short of the Scouser's expectations, but it is thought that if the Hammers can perhaps offer 40 million and 2 pounds for his services, that Suarez would jump at the chance to move to the civilised south.

Darn that soccerball sure looks mighty easy

Dwayne Rooney: Wayne’s American cousin is not especially familiar with the intricacies of soccer as he has spent all of his life so far in his home town of Cluttsville, Alabama. To date the primary focus of his sports career has been on possum hunting and moonshining – both of which he has excelled at! Even if Dwayne, just like so many previous big signings for West ham, cannot adjust to Premiership footie, at the very least he might encourage his cousin to go a bit easier on the East Londoners as with the grand haul of 7 goals in 8 appearances against us, Hammers fans are sick of the sight of the otherwise exceptionally attractive Man United player.

Hansi Von Hogslicer: Hansi is a fictional forward with FC Wolfsburger who could be the cousin of German ace and former Hammers target Sebastien Schweinsteiger. Von Hogslicer is known to be ruthless in his ability to cut through both the paltry efforts of opposing defences as well as the endless drivel that modern era football players are subjected to by their managers. As such, Hansi is unlikely to tolerate Big Sam’s psychobabble about being 'not quite mentally prepared for action' or 'not at his physical peak' on the bioelectronics vest recording system that the Hammers invest so much faith in.

Elliot Lee: This ‘kid’ has emerged from one of Europe’s top academies and has been banging in goals for the past year at development squad level. He would thus represent the perfect capture for Big Sam and his team who need a striker who can actually score rather than just clock up impressive activity ratings on a sports performance monitoring vest…..ERRR – hold on……Elliot is actually already on our playing squad……hmmmm....the boffins at VERYWESTHAM have decreed that in order to progress matters we must sack the lad and then re-sign him on a must play if fit contract in order to ensure that we don’t miss the solution that is under our very noses again!

Andy Carroll: Carroll would be ideal for a Hammers side that is perfectly set up to play a big man up front as the lone striker who can be supported by a mobile midfield and, of course, a decent supply of crosses from pacey wingers who just need a target man to do their job effectively. However, a 'fit Andy' is way beyond the financial capacity of the modest East Londoners and instead we have been  forced to accept a part time contract with Andy popping in and out of the team when he is not too busy at his main employment as a simulated patient at the University Hospital Basildon’s medical school.  Moreover, the signing seems most unlikely as having previously put all their eggs in one (Dean Ashton) basket, the Hammers would be unlikely to make the same mistake again!