Breaking News: Man United Fans less annoyingly arrogant than usual!

In shock developments, we at VERYWESTHAM can reveal that a detailed survey of small to medium-sized towns near nowhere in Ireland and Britain has found that local ‘Mancs’ are less confident than they have been for almost twenty years ahead of today’s season-defining encounter with the mighty Hammers of East London.

Our intrepid reporter, Pax ‘Jeremy Paxman’ Meagher has been out and around some pointless little rural hellholes in Co. Tipperary in Ireland to capture the atmosphere amongst a highly representative cohort of Man United ‘followers’ ahead of the big kick off. “There was hardly a peep out of them” said the reporter “and a few kids offered to sell cut price Man United jersey’s trying to raise money for Arsenal or Chelsea kits and get out before the ship sinks any more”.

Meanwhile, Pat O’Hooligan, Headmaster at Ballygobongos National School issued a plea to David Moyes to think of the young lads who face another Monday morning of taunting and bullying if Manchester United lose at home for the third consecutive Premiership match.

 

Melting!

The evidence suggests that the pressure is clearly getting to David Moyes, who has been even more prickly than usual (which is actually quite prickly) in his pre-Match interviews with the media. The naturally-gifted curmudgeon refused to clarify whether Dwayne Rooney would start in what appears to be a cheap hand-me-down Fergie-style mindgame manoeuvre. Meanwhile, Sam Allardyce has been bold in ringing in the changes by installing Modi ‘Mohawk’ Maiga as the lone striker and bringing in Matt Taylor and Adrian who have patiently awaited their chance and duly impressed during midweeks annihilation of Spurs in the League Cup.

However, the name that most folk have been looking out for is that of Ravel Morrison, ex-Devil, now Hammer, who has worked tirelessly for this moment and this theatre in which to let his former employers know what they let go.

Teams:

West Ham: Adrian, Demel, Tomkins, Collins, McCartney, Noble, Morrison, Taylor, Jarvis, Maiga, Diame. Subs: Jaaskelainen, Rat, Collison, O'Brien, Diarra, J.Cole, C.Cole

Man United: De Gea, Rafael, Evra, Evans, Smalling, Januzaj, Valencia, Jones, Cleverley, Rooney, Welbeck. Subs: Johnstone, Giggs, Hernandez, Young, Kagawa, Buttner, Fletcher