Amidst all the horror of yesterday’s insipid performance against
lowly Sunderland, there was yet more terror for the Bubbles faithful to endure
as the stadium was held to siege by the latest sighting of the ‘hairy man’ or
Sasquatch as he is known to our North American friends.
Eyewitness accounts said that the creature made a brazen
appearance, showing no fear even when approached by West Ham’s self-appointed ‘enforcer’,
Kevin Nolan. Instead, the beast merely laughed off Nolan’s advances before tucking
into a few of the tasty pies on offer at the stadium.
Observers have hailed the sighting as a major breakthrough
for conspiracy theorists and other nutters who will undoubtedly take the
opportunity to remind an easily terrified public about the variety of unsolved mysteries ranging from the Loch
Ness Monster to the disappearance of ‘Lucky’ Lord Lucan.
However, with the century-spanning mystery regarding the
existence of Bigfoot now solved, Hammers fans attentions will return to the
pressing question of where their marque Summer striker signing – ‘Sorefoot’ has
disappeared to as there have been no sightings of the highly paid superstar in
action for months on end.
Jungly Barry – neither ‘Lucky’ nor ‘Sorefoot’
Top scientists have scoffed at suggestions that the striker’s
return may be imminent as there have been no verifiable sightings apart from reports
by over-excitable and tiresomely optimistic Hammers fans – all of whom were so easily
duped by the original fables of his early-Summer capture.
Meanwhile, longstanding tormented Hammers fan Phil Gassybottom,
landlord at the White Lion pub in Fobbing, Essex offered an intriguing insight
into the nature of the Sasquatch / Andy Carroll link – “Has anyone considered that maybe they are one and the same
person – I ask you; have you ever seen them together”?
The pukka pies do live up tó their name alrite!
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