Wednesday 25 June 2014

Defoe: i want another bite at the Hammers

The Italian FA have lodged a complaint about the waterlogged pitch
As the football world celebrates the immense psychological 'high' that comes with unbridled righteous indignation regarding the 'disgraceful' and 'unprecedented' Luis Sewerage biting incident, we at the restrained media organ that is VERYWESTHAM feel obliged to remind the footballing world that such incidents are no new thing and, in fact, gnasher-grief has been a recurring problem for West Ham United FC for a number of years.

First up, however, let all the FIFA shoulder shrugging about a lack of evidence / we didn't see the incident ourselves / all the video evidence was stolen by video-eating aliens be put to bed as these images - captured by our pitchside correspondent show - Sewarage is undoubtedly guilty of a gnashers-led attack wherein there is no evidence of any effort to play the ball - whatsoever!

Cheillini immediately around the approximate time of the match

Some (mostly) Uruguayans have suggested that this as in fact an example of the much lesser offence of a gummy-assault, but again, pictures taken by our private photographer demonstrate the extent of the italian blokes injuries - there is a less than 1% likelihood that these type of wounds could be inflicted by a gum-attack alone.

how the incident would have looked in 1970
We also got our Warholesque artsy fartsy craftsy backroom crew to create a Mexico-1970 iconic image version of the attack, which again is conclusive in its obvious and complete definiteness. 

Oi, wot u doin - this aint Gauchos mate!
Even worse for the footballing community, it is likely that many Hammers fans will be horribly retraumatised by the incident as it will undoubtedly trigger memories of Jermain Defoe's disgusting attack on then-Hammer Javier 'i can probably play better than this' Mascherano that dates back to 2006. Defoe was subsequently given a life ban from playing for a proper football team, something which forced him to stay at Tottenham for the rest of his career.

But even though the Hammers will blame tragic Tottenham for Defoes conversion to cannibalism, there can be no doubting that Oliver Kahn's 1999 carnivornous attack on Borussia Dortmund's Heiko Herrlich occured whilst wearing a Hammers away jersey. Such behaviour is unacceptable - even in the Bundesliga.

BTW that's Neil Ruddock looking on nonchalantly.

All of this could have been snuffed out if only the footballing world hadn't misinterpreted John Hartson's attempted purge of gnasher-related footballing offences when he attempted to kick teammate Eyal Berkovic's teeth out during a training ground routine in 1998. This was almost certainly a (vain) attempt to remove dental problems from the game for once and for all. However, once again  the ruling authorities got it all wrong, horribly horribly wrong.


  1. another reason why we should never take that traitor back.

  2. Aharrrrrrrrr.
    Defoe is finished.

  3. Not the sort of thing to worry Neil Ruddock was it?


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