Liverpool to Lodge Complaint with the Advertising Standards Commission

The British Advertising Standards Commission were put on alert this evening as Liverpool FC were poised to lodge a formal complaint regarding misleading material having been provided to the unsuspecting public ahead of an event in London today. The event was billed as West Ham United (AKA ‘The Hammers’) versus Liverpool (AKA ‘the Reds’) and was scheduled for Upton Park this evening. Such a fixture guarantees a gutsy Hammers effort that ultimately proves fruitless as the mighty Reds take all three points and return to Anfield.

Not so today, however, as West Ham ran out 3-1 victors, with the score line more than deserved. Perhaps even more galling for the Scousers was the fact that instead of being presented with a negative and cautious Allardycian outfit, they encountered a swashbuckling ‘continental’-style Hammers who dominated for long periods by virtue of free-flowing passing footie the likes of which hasn’t been seen at Upton Park for some time! Pool were left reaching for the phone directory to get the number of the advertising standards authority as this was no ‘West ham’ as they know it!

 

It’s hard to know where to start with the accolades but the Sakho-Valencia strike partnership looks very impressive, with Sakho in particular a real irritant for opposition and his exquisite chip in the seventh minute the latest contender in the ever growing list of Hammers’ goals of the season! Alex Song’s partnership with Cheik Kouyate looks formidable with their speed, passing and physicality proving too much for the Liverpool midfield! It's hard to see how or where Kevin Nolan will fit in when he is fit again, ahem.......

 

At the back, we looked more like the solid outfit of last year and it was great to see James Collins returning to the fray. Winston Reid's opener caught Liverpool cold, but his all round performance underlined the importance of holing onto perhaps our best player as we get ever-closer to the Olympic Stadium. Mark Noble kept the whole unit ticking over and, in the presence of decent passing midfield partners, looks like the first class player Engerland need to shore up their insipid midfield. Even Adrian got to pull off a few important saves, but perhaps more tellingly. Looked confident and secure during set pieces against a tall Liverpool side.  

But perhaps the man of the match award should go to Stewart Downing – a player who towards the end of his Anfield career was cruelly (and unfairly) dubbed one of the worst players to play for Liverpool – but has been a consistently excellent performer for West Ham and this season has returned to the kind of scintillating form that a few years ago made him one of the most sought-after talents in the English game! Downing has tormented our opponents this season and has a bag-full of assists to prove the point. Even better, he has been pitching in with some canny defensive cover for the evergreen Guy Demel…Today he was simply rampant against his former employers!

 

Liverpool never really got going and in all honesty bring to mind the wisdom of Blackadder’s Lord Melchitt – “Liverpool without Luis Suarez is like a boy without a willy” In fairness, they simply came up against a red-hot West Ham side. Morgan Amalfitano's goal was simply the cherry for the top of a sweet soccer cake...

Next up the Red devils………simply delicious!!!

Suarez Hungry for Hammers Return

As the implications of Luis Suarez's sensationally lenient 'punishment' for turning the World cup into a celebration of the ancient art of cannibalism hit home, although the four month ban from footie will undoubtedly hurt, expert have speculated that it is the added clause that he cannot engage in any football-related activities that will surely challenge him most.

 

Having incorporated carnivorous moves into the offensive armoury of the modern game, the ban will almost certainly require a sustained period of vegetarianism since meat-eating has an obvious place in the modern game. Top Vegetarian groups have been quick to offer support for the undernourished star and already invites are flying in to eat and greet at one of their attention-seeking demonstrations. The terribly unlucky Sewarage is fortunate that Liverpool has a burgeoning vegan scene driven by ex-Hammer George 'Linda' McCartney.

The Uruguayan FA are already engaged in emergency educational workshops focusing upon the art of self righteousness and elitism that is crusial to any sustained veganism. Moreover, the Uruguayan's commenst after the England game that some have suggested were a carefully crafted effort to manufacture a move away from Merseyside, have become less audible now that he faces another lengthy lay off from the game.

In a further move, it is thought that Sewarage's ban will prevent him from wearing any products made from animals, including leather footie boots. Luckily for Sewarage, he was the poster creature the Adidas knitted hemp football boot. These should suffice for the first few 'dry' months of the season (during which time he will be banned) but are likely to weigh him down on the waterlogged pitches of the autumn and winter! Happily, the modern football is made from synthetic substances - with the 'Brazuca' manufactured in the ultra-competitive cost base that is Pakistan. 

 

 
The Hammers board have again demonstrated why we are amongst the top 50 richest clubs in the world by quickly responding to the growing cannibalism within the game. As top psychobableologists have explained - "eventually gullible fans will copy everything that the top stars do, except for Balotelli - he is too extreme for even the most unstable football obervers".

Mash - off the menu!

In response, the menu at Upton Park has been beefed up to make it more attractive to the modern football consumer. No longer will Hammers faithful have to make do with Robert Greens or Javier Pie & Masherano, but rather will be treated to the meatier delights of Tomas HitzelsBurger, Paulo LambChope, Momo Steak Diane, and for those poshies in the corporate boxes, lightly toasted oatmeal wafers coated with delicious Julien Fois-Gras....mmmmmmm!

Fauxbert: tres delicate.

Bon Appetit mes Hammers!!!

 

Defoe: i want another bite at the Hammers

The Italian FA have lodged a complaint about the waterlogged pitch

As the football world celebrates the immense psychological 'high' that comes with unbridled righteous indignation regarding the 'disgraceful' and 'unprecedented' Luis Sewerage biting incident, we at the restrained media organ that is VERYWESTHAM feel obliged to remind the footballing world that such incidents are no new thing and, in fact, gnasher-grief has been a recurring problem for West Ham United FC for a number of years.

 

First up, however, let all the FIFA shoulder shrugging about a lack of evidence / we didn't see the incident ourselves / all the video evidence was stolen by video-eating aliens be put to bed as these images - captured by our pitchside correspondent show - Sewarage is undoubtedly guilty of a gnashers-led attack wherein there is no evidence of any effort to play the ball - whatsoever!

Cheillini immediately around the approximate time of the match

Some (mostly) Uruguayans have suggested that this as in fact an example of the much lesser offence of a gummy-assault, but again, pictures taken by our private photographer demonstrate the extent of the italian blokes injuries - there is a less than 1% likelihood that these type of wounds could be inflicted by a gum-attack alone.




how the incident would have looked in 1970

We also got our Warholesque artsy fartsy craftsy backroom crew to create a Mexico-1970 iconic image version of the attack, which again is conclusive in its obvious and complete definiteness. 



Oi, wot u doin - this aint Gauchos mate!

Even worse for the footballing community, it is likely that many Hammers fans will be horribly retraumatised by the incident as it will undoubtedly trigger memories of Jermain Defoe's disgusting attack on then-Hammer Javier 'i can probably play better than this' Mascherano that dates back to 2006. Defoe was subsequently given a life ban from playing for a proper football team, something which forced him to stay at Tottenham for the rest of his career.






But even though the Hammers will blame tragic Tottenham for Defoes conversion to cannibalism, there can be no doubting that Oliver Kahn's 1999 carnivornous attack on Borussia Dortmund's Heiko Herrlich occured whilst wearing a Hammers away jersey. Such behaviour is unacceptable - even in the Bundesliga.






BTW that's Neil Ruddock looking on nonchalantly.

All of this could have been snuffed out if only the footballing world hadn't misinterpreted John Hartson's attempted purge of gnasher-related footballing offences when he attempted to kick teammate Eyal Berkovic's teeth out during a training ground routine in 1998. This was almost certainly a (vain) attempt to remove dental problems from the game for once and for all. However, once again  the ruling authorities got it all wrong, horribly horribly wrong.