Hammers fans will undoubtedly have noticed that, perhaps for the first time ever, we lack a single club representative at the World Cup 2014. Pablo Armero's contract expired at season'send and tFootball's highest stage is thus Hammerless. In one respect, this highlights the substantial English representation amongst our current squad, but also worryingly suggests that we lack a single player who is able to perform on the highest stage. It seems the best we can manage right now is for our top stars to occupy the rather lame back-up list reserved for late call ups in the event of injury, an ebola virus outbreak or alien abduction visiting the Hodgson squad.
However, in breaking news it has emerged that not one BUT
FOUR Hammers have received call ups to the squad ahead of tomorrow's kick
off against the Italians!!! Hammers fans will be delighted to learn that our ranks include a host
of players who have been deemed to have ‘unique and important’ contributions to
make to the squad, with the special abilities of Andy Carroll, Mark Noble,
Ravel Morrison and James Tomkins all belatedly recognised by the wickedly
myopic Hodgson.
We can exclusively reveal the important roles that the four
with undertake for the squad -
Mark Noble: Executive
Water Bottle Distributor and General Gofer: ‘Nobes’ is entitled to feel
very disappointed with Roy Hodgson’s sustained and deliberate refusal to give
him a run out in the England squad despite him being the most energetic and
reliable player in the current Premiership!!! Noble was the player who topped
the Premiership table for most yards covered last season – a statistic that
will not be any surprise to Hammers fans.
Luckily, Hodgson has shown his ‘reasonable’ side by
allowing Mark to join the squad in the role of executive water bottle
distributor, and no doubt his Duracell-like qualities and courage in the face
of insurmountable adversity will stand him in good stead as he tries to make
sure the England team have sufficient hydration in the intense and humid
Brazilian conditions. Unfortunately, his superior fitness levels have not been
noted as a desirable attribute for Hodgson’s playing squad despite the inevitability
that England will need to chase the ball against technically-superior
opposition, like the talented Honduras side they encountered in last week's thrilling 0-0 draw.
Oh! and of course there's the penalty taking.
Andy Carroll:
Spiritual Matters: During his prolonged break from Premiership action, the
muscular striker took time to explore his spiritual side, and at one stage
almost morphed into Jesus himself!!!
It is hoped that Andy can provide
England’s link to God – something the players will clearly need if they are to avoid
the tragic scenes that surround their exit in the usual ‘death through penalty
shootout’.
Ravel Morrison: Music
and juggling entertainments: Top gangsta Rap artist Ravel is rumoured to be
part-Brazilian and thus nicknamed ‘Raveldo’ by many Hammers followers. Morrison
is considered to be not quite ready to become the new World Cup Gazza by
carrying the hopes and expectations of the nation on his shoulders as the most technically-gifted English player in the tournament.
This responsibility has been deferred until four years time when the world cup
is scheduled to be replaced by an open-air sunstroke-dodging contest in Qatar.
For now, Ravel can get some crucial experience of losing at the world cup and
also provide a Brazillian-style talent for the English players to observe and
practice trying to get the ball off during training.
It is expected that the
English players will need all the support that they can get to overcome the
abject misery that being part of an England World Cup squad inevitably entails
and the fully rehabilitated Tomka will be there to offer advice and support.
Luckily, he also has some compelling video-teaching material depicting an
overpaid Premiership Soccer Star misbehaving at a well known ‘celebrity’
niteclub. These horrific scenes are thought by some to be too extreme, but
top psychobabbleologists reckon that they would scare the bejaysus out of
even the most pampered football brat and will ensure absolute sobriety in the
camp.
So there we have it – from Zero to four World cup
squadsters! Hammers fans can be truly proud of the contribution of the club to
the England effort. However, it some critics have suggested that this late involvement is merely a cynical ruse to try
and capture the Hammers-presence that characterised the single previous English
world cup success of 174 years ago. On that occasion, a Moore-Hurst-Peters
triad overcame the mediocrity of the rest of the English squad to capture the
trophy by virtue of their Bubbletastic footie that remains the preserve of East
London’s finest!.
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