Liverpool Lose out to West Ham in Transfer Merry-Go-Round

Today brings together brings together many old friends as West Ham and Liverpool prepare for an intriguing battle at Upton Pak. Liverpool have stuttered so far this season while West Ham have varied from totally brilliant (Palace) to insipid (Southampton). Both sides need to kick start their season and push forward, so expect both ides to go all out for all three points.

Recent years has seen considerable transfer activity between these two clubs such that a team composed of stars who have played for both clubs makes up an impressive  ‘West Pool XI’.  Ahead of Today's big clash, Dave Hammer and Walter Scouser give their verdict on how well these players performed during their spells at each club.  

	Dave Hammer says:	Walter Scouser says
	Hilarious character. Very talented keeper and all round fun guy. He almost single-handedly kept the Hammers afloat during the relegation season of 2003 but stayed faithful to the cause for a season in the Championship until Man City came a calling. Verdict 8/10	The only goalkeeper to have played for both clubs and one of the most talented of his generation, ‘Calamity’ never realised his potential. Career highlight? Had to be ‘that suit’ at the 1996 FA Cup Final. Verdict: 6/10
	Drafted into a sinking ship as a mere 17 year old he showed remarkable maturity but Uncle Trev’s heroes couldn’t dodge relegation and Chelsea pounced. His subsequent career has never quite realised that early potential but he was excellent for the Hammers. 8/10.	The arrival of Brendan Rodgers has finally got Glen playing like he did at West Ham. Rob Jones, whose single appearance for the Hammers in the 1999 Intertoto Cup, made him eligible for selection, almost gets the nod at right back, though. Verdict 7/10
	Had a decent two year spell at Upton Park helping us to a European placing in 1998. Always pushing the limits, Naughty Neil picked up more than his fair share of bookings usually for hauling back opposition forwards as his declining pace became a millstone. Verdict 7/10.	Provided much needed steel to Liverpool’s defence when signed from Spurs in 1993 for £2.5million. Didn’t survive long after the arrival of Gerard Houllier in 1998 and was transferred to West Ham for £300,000. Verdict 6/10
	Signed for £2.5m from Liverpool to replace Rio Ferdinand in 2000. Did not live up to expectations. Verdict 4/10	Performed reasonably well for the Reds but mainly as a right back. Never quite matched his International success and slipped off the selection radar before being released to West Ham. Verdict 5/10.
	Absolute legend. 100% uncompromising and committed. His skilfulness was often underestimated by opponents, including a deadly left foot. Amazingly for a defender, he averaged a goal every five games over a 262 game Hammers career! Verdict 10/10.	An uncompromising left back who came to Liverpool in a swap deal involving David Burrows and Mike Marsh. Why? Verdict 3/10
	Although he upset Hammers faithful during a messy departure,  he was a top performer whilst at the club. Ironically his greatest performance was probably vs Liverpool in a 4-1 League cup mauling where he scored all 4 Hammers goals. Verdict 8/10.	The ultimate box to box player. Came to Liverpool after a successful career with West Ham, Manchester United and Inter Milan. Like Neil Ruddock, was one of the infamous team of Spice Boys who did not survive the arrival of Gerard Houllier. Verdict 6/10
	One half of the crazy signing that ultimately cost the Hammers much financial heartache. Appeared lost and strangely out of his depth during his spell in East London and seemed relieved to escape to Liverpool. Verdict 4/10.	Signed from West Ham in 2008 and dubbed a ‘monster of a player’ by Rafa Benitez. Two seasons that established him as one of Europe’s finest central midfielders were to follow before a £24 million transfer to Barcelona. Left a gap in midfield which Raul Meireles struggled to fill. Verdict 9/10
	All round likeable guy, young Joey was a thrilling prospect who delivered lots of eye catching trickery but without major product whilst at West Ham. Another for whom circumstances conspired to force a premature exit but fondly remembered at Upton Park and even enjoyed a return before retiring to Villa Park. Verdict 7/10	Though arrived to the club as Roy Hodgson's first signing, has failed to deliver the form he showed for Chelsea. A lengthy loan spell with Lille, he returned but again couldn't find his best form and apart from scoring against West ham before rejoining them, seemed a faded presence. Verdict 3/10
	Classy midfielder who performed with gusto during his two periods with the Hammers before moving to the Hammers retirement squad at Harry Redknapp's current QPR. Clever and with a good eye for breaking through defences, Yossi always kept the opposition on their toes! Verdict 7/10.	Moved to Liverpool from West Ham in somewhat, ahem, controversial circumstances in 2007. Was starting to really develop as a player until transferred to Chelsea in 2009. Known to pub quiz afficionados as ‘the only player to score Premiership, Champion’s League and FA Cup hat tricks ‘. Verdict 8/10
	An ‘interesting’ character – moody and unforgiving of underperforming colleagues but a real gamechanger with his pace and finishing. Hammers career blighted by injury and  petered out as we came off the rails (again) allowing him to go to Man City for £14million. Verdict 6/10	Joined Liverpool in 2006 and after one moderately successful season (involving an alleged incident with a putter), became West Ham United’s record signing in a £7.5 million  transfer. Returned to Anfield for another season in 2011, which saw him partner well with Andy Carroll. Verdict 6/10
	A game changer who makes the Hammers a difficult team to play against due to his superb physicality and aerial presence. Persistent injuries have hampered his Hammer career to date and at this stage he looks like an astute offload by Rodgers.....Verdict 5/10	With Nando Torres on his way to Chelsea for £50 million, Andy Carroll’s £35 million transfer from Newcastle made him the most expensive British footballer of all time (hard to believe Luis Suarez cost ‘only’ £23 million on the same day). Fits and starts at Liverpool and not a Rodgers player.  Verdict 7/10
Total	74/110	66/110

 Substitutes: Stewart Downing, Paul Konchesky, David Burrows, Don Hutchison, Robbie Keane, Titi Camara.

So, with the exception of Javier Mascherano, there is a clear pattern of players performing better whilst at the supportive and homely atmosphere at West Ham compared to the pressure of expectation at Liverpool.  

Maybe more underperformers at Anfield should head south to realise their true potential?

COYI!!!

Suarez Hungry for Hammers Return

As the implications of Luis Suarez's sensationally lenient 'punishment' for turning the World cup into a celebration of the ancient art of cannibalism hit home, although the four month ban from footie will undoubtedly hurt, expert have speculated that it is the added clause that he cannot engage in any football-related activities that will surely challenge him most.

 

Having incorporated carnivorous moves into the offensive armoury of the modern game, the ban will almost certainly require a sustained period of vegetarianism since meat-eating has an obvious place in the modern game. Top Vegetarian groups have been quick to offer support for the undernourished star and already invites are flying in to eat and greet at one of their attention-seeking demonstrations. The terribly unlucky Sewarage is fortunate that Liverpool has a burgeoning vegan scene driven by ex-Hammer George 'Linda' McCartney.

The Uruguayan FA are already engaged in emergency educational workshops focusing upon the art of self righteousness and elitism that is crusial to any sustained veganism. Moreover, the Uruguayan's commenst after the England game that some have suggested were a carefully crafted effort to manufacture a move away from Merseyside, have become less audible now that he faces another lengthy lay off from the game.

In a further move, it is thought that Sewarage's ban will prevent him from wearing any products made from animals, including leather footie boots. Luckily for Sewarage, he was the poster creature the Adidas knitted hemp football boot. These should suffice for the first few 'dry' months of the season (during which time he will be banned) but are likely to weigh him down on the waterlogged pitches of the autumn and winter! Happily, the modern football is made from synthetic substances - with the 'Brazuca' manufactured in the ultra-competitive cost base that is Pakistan. 

 

 
The Hammers board have again demonstrated why we are amongst the top 50 richest clubs in the world by quickly responding to the growing cannibalism within the game. As top psychobableologists have explained - "eventually gullible fans will copy everything that the top stars do, except for Balotelli - he is too extreme for even the most unstable football obervers".

Mash - off the menu!

In response, the menu at Upton Park has been beefed up to make it more attractive to the modern football consumer. No longer will Hammers faithful have to make do with Robert Greens or Javier Pie & Masherano, but rather will be treated to the meatier delights of Tomas HitzelsBurger, Paulo LambChope, Momo Steak Diane, and for those poshies in the corporate boxes, lightly toasted oatmeal wafers coated with delicious Julien Fois-Gras....mmmmmmm!

Fauxbert: tres delicate.

Bon Appetit mes Hammers!!!

 

Defoe: i want another bite at the Hammers

The Italian FA have lodged a complaint about the waterlogged pitch

As the football world celebrates the immense psychological 'high' that comes with unbridled righteous indignation regarding the 'disgraceful' and 'unprecedented' Luis Sewerage biting incident, we at the restrained media organ that is VERYWESTHAM feel obliged to remind the footballing world that such incidents are no new thing and, in fact, gnasher-grief has been a recurring problem for West Ham United FC for a number of years.

 

First up, however, let all the FIFA shoulder shrugging about a lack of evidence / we didn't see the incident ourselves / all the video evidence was stolen by video-eating aliens be put to bed as these images - captured by our pitchside correspondent show - Sewarage is undoubtedly guilty of a gnashers-led attack wherein there is no evidence of any effort to play the ball - whatsoever!

Cheillini immediately around the approximate time of the match

Some (mostly) Uruguayans have suggested that this as in fact an example of the much lesser offence of a gummy-assault, but again, pictures taken by our private photographer demonstrate the extent of the italian blokes injuries - there is a less than 1% likelihood that these type of wounds could be inflicted by a gum-attack alone.




how the incident would have looked in 1970

We also got our Warholesque artsy fartsy craftsy backroom crew to create a Mexico-1970 iconic image version of the attack, which again is conclusive in its obvious and complete definiteness. 



Oi, wot u doin - this aint Gauchos mate!

Even worse for the footballing community, it is likely that many Hammers fans will be horribly retraumatised by the incident as it will undoubtedly trigger memories of Jermain Defoe's disgusting attack on then-Hammer Javier 'i can probably play better than this' Mascherano that dates back to 2006. Defoe was subsequently given a life ban from playing for a proper football team, something which forced him to stay at Tottenham for the rest of his career.






But even though the Hammers will blame tragic Tottenham for Defoes conversion to cannibalism, there can be no doubting that Oliver Kahn's 1999 carnivornous attack on Borussia Dortmund's Heiko Herrlich occured whilst wearing a Hammers away jersey. Such behaviour is unacceptable - even in the Bundesliga.






BTW that's Neil Ruddock looking on nonchalantly.

All of this could have been snuffed out if only the footballing world hadn't misinterpreted John Hartson's attempted purge of gnasher-related footballing offences when he attempted to kick teammate Eyal Berkovic's teeth out during a training ground routine in 1998. This was almost certainly a (vain) attempt to remove dental problems from the game for once and for all. However, once again  the ruling authorities got it all wrong, horribly horribly wrong.