Tuesday 24 June 2014

Rolling Stones Pen Chant for Shock New Hammers Signing!

Scene from the annual Premiership 'Yard of Ale' competition
The transfer rumours are rife regarding West Ham right now, but perhaps the most perplexing is the proposed move for Swansea's Michu. The attacking midfielder experienced an excellent first season with the Swans, popping up all over the place and amassing a total haul of 18 Premiership goals. However, last year his strike rate was impacted upon by a lengthy absence through injury and reverted to the level that characterised his previous career in Spain - where he has operated at a goal every ten games or so. Hmmm. Not so impressive for a midfielder who has a limited contribution towards the team's defensive effort.

Perhaps all this is more surprising given that his preferred position is currently occupied by Hammer's captain Kevin Nolan, with the exciting emerging talent that is Ravel Morrison as understudy. It is hard to see where Michu might fit into this set up especially as the rest of the midfield is typically employed as a wall infront of the defensive wall that protects the Hammers goal? Verywestham can smell a conspiracy - probably involving QPR - whereby young Morrison's position is being destabilised by these rumours to encourage him to look beyond the Boleyn for football opportunities.

F*** off Michu, that's my position!

Other theories are that West Ham need Michu principally because of his amusing goal celebration, obviously borrowed from Paul Merson, as no current Hammers player has a celebration worth mentioning. Kevin Nolan's chicken dance is the only effort we have had the opportunity to see with any frequency over the last two seasons and it rates 'awesomely low' on the 'bodacious celebration' charts.

However, the backrom staff at VERYWESTHAM have already started wotrking on a new chant to go along with the proposed new signing. Sung to the tune of the Rolling Stoness classic "Miss You" the words go;

"He's been standing all alone
ready to score a goal
cos he's Michu..
Ooo Ooo OOOOoooOOO Ooo Ooo OOOOoooOOO
Cos he's Michu"

The sorry statistical truth for the Hammers

However, top psychobabbleologists have expressed the view that the rumours are driven by panic about the clubs current Premiership position whereby they are propping up the table - even before a ball has been kicked in anger!

Although this is merely a function of the Premiership's presently preferred alphabetical ranking system, so far only Lowly Yeovil Town have sought to have the system amended.

Professor of Sports psychobabbleology at Basildon University College Hospital, Hansi Von Pfaffmeister has explained "It is all in the head for today's Premiership players, it is a negative mindset that occupying the relegation spots, regardless of the reason, upsets the precious rhythms of these very vulnerable and mentally fragile sooperstars".  

Furious Yeovil Town supporters make their point known
Perhaps even worse for the Hammers, being bottom at this early stage of the season is their own fault as they shamelessly seized upon Wolves' relegation to snap up Matt Jarvis, while their capture of the out of contract Mo Diame was a major factor in Wigan's tragic demise.

Right now it's a battle to seehow overfilled the Hammmers centre back and attacking 'hole' position can be. Any chance of a wide player entering the fray?



  1. he can't hold up the ball
    wont stand in the wall

    cos he's michu

    OohOoh oohoo hoo hoo hoo
    Ooh Ooh oohoo hoo hoo hoo

    yes, he's Michu!

  2. We don't need him. What Next - Squealing Chico Flores as centre back.

  3. You guys should be grateful being linked with such a player. You need a reality check!

    1. Reality errr wots that then mate?
      Is that the thing where you have responsibilities and have to go to work?
      If so, no way. NOOOOOOOOoooooooo Reality

    2. Your just Jealous cos you didn't think up the chant while he was at Swansea.

  4. whot about the Puerto Rican Girls who were just dying to meet you

    maybe that should be Costa Rican?

    let's bring back Wanchope or get Joel Campbell

  5. he can juggle with his feet
    but unlike Chico he dont cheat
    cos he's Michu

    1. he plays there in the hole
      from where he'll score the goals
      cos he's Michu
      Oo oo oo oo
      oo oo oo oo
      West Ham's Michu

      Swansea let him go
      cos they're really slow
      he is Michu

      oo Oo Oo Oo

      Oo Oo Oo Oo

      West Ham's Michu...

  6. let ravel go. he doesnt want to stay and he is still too naive to hold down a regular starting place. by the time he's ripe he will have moved on. lets get players who are at their peak, not developing on our time.

  7. Michu = one season wonder.

  8. Bottom already. BFS must go!

  9. He is Spanish and football smart
    He plays at Upton Park
    Cos he's Michu

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