Hammers Pull Master Stroke to Increase Olympic Stadium Capacity

Back off!!! Or i'll whack you with this sex toy!

David Sullivan recently expressed his deep admiration for the West Ham faithful who tirelessly follow their club over land (mostly) and sea (occasionally). Along with David Gold, who is still advising fans to keep faith in the priority list scheme, the two crafty schemers are looking for any means possible to fit all interested fans into the new Olympic stadium.

With rumours that they are considering importing a Klingon cloaking device or Willy Wonka teleportation technology as possible ways of cramming more fans into the 54,000 capacity stadium, now comes further stunning revelations that they have teamed up with Dr Who's deadly nemesis - the Master!!!

The master is known for his wicked intelligence and for developing the infamous Tissue Compression Eliminator - a device that shrinks people to tiny proportions! Although the master usually applies the device to shrink his enemies until they die of extreme smallpersonness, if used more sparingly it can reduce people by small non-fatal amounts and could thus allow the board to pack in greater numbers.

This one's a deluxe model

However, with possibly 25,000 fans likely to be unable to obtain season tickets under the current arrangements, Messrs Sullivan and Gold will need to persuade the master to part with more than one of his precious devices. Luckily, it appears as if the BBC props department fashioned the device from a popular Ann Summers product!