Momo No Go: Diame Rebuts Speculation in Clearest Possible Terms

Fed up with all the squad-unsettling speculation regarding his future, future Hammers Captain Momo Diame has decided to follow in the tradition of our best poets and ‘show not tell’ by chaining himself to the gates of the Upton park stadium in order to send out the strongest possible message to Tottie Hotspuds, Liverpooh and the Gooners of Middle earth that he is a resolute Hammer (at least until his current contract expires at the end of next season which gives us another season to become the top six club he so covets!).

Still further evidence of Mo’s immovability was provided by Hammers Boss Sam Allardyce who, fed up with all the mouthwatering speculation, has taken to personally shredding all newspaper reports linking Diame with a move outside the Boleyn. Asked if he suffered any indigestion after the act, Big Sam reassured reporters that the papers were a darn sight tastier than most of the pies and burgers that are sold outside Upton Park on matchday.

Got any Ketchup anybody?

Meanwhile, Hammers chief of football, Bobby Fischer, has warned that he believes the Diame speculation may be a dummy run from our deceitful neighbours at No-Heart Lane and have taken the additional precautionary measure of also physically securing Hammers ace centre back Winston ‘Wonderful’ Reid. Hammers other centreback, James Tomkins, is thought to be too behaviourally swashbuckling for our rather tame neighbours.
 

In a further move to counter the crazy speculation that characterises the Summer break, Hammers chief David Gold has issued all squad members with some handy hand cuffs from the Ann Summers range. Hopefully these will keep our players well busy and physically challenged while they are inactive over the coming Summer break .