Four Ways that West Ham Can Stifle the Suarez Threat

'POP' goes the weasel

As West Ham prepare for the visit of high-flying Liverpool, with all eyes on free-scoring Luis Suarez and his similarly prolific sidekick, Daniel Sturridge, we wonder how Big Sam's men will cope with the attacking threat of the Reds? Suarez currently has 29 Premiership goals this season, and has broken all Liverpool Scoring records. Even more impressive, he has managed to pip the Pop (Robson) record of 28 goals in 1972-3 and Geoff Hurst record of 29 goals in 1966-7 that Hammers fans remain so proud of.

Hursty celebrates - Back in the days when footballers drank alcohol

All week the International sporting press have been parked outside Chadwell Heath in an attempt to get a glimpse of Big Sam's cunning master plan to foil the swashbuckling Liverpool forwards. And the Hammers have not failed to surprise, amuse and even shock the gathered paparazzi with the fiendishly clever plan that will surely undo the little man in his efforts to give the Scousers just a little less to whinge about.

Amongst the medley of cunning strategies that Big Sam has devised are:

Ay! Av you seen Stevie G anywhere out there  mate?

1. Let the grass grow so as to prevent the diminutive striker being able to see either the ball or his colleagues. Rumours are that Big Sam cancelled all mowing of the Upton Park turf after the Hull City 'Tigers' match to allow for the 9cm growth that should dwarf the little Uruguayan. It will thus be impossible for Stevie G to steal a march on the East enders with his trademark floated passes for Suarez to run on to. On the down side, the long grass tactic will almost certainly rule 'little' Joe Allen out of the starting line up, which would likely be a bonus for Liverpool.

Hammers tastily designed new strip

2. Release a special new third kit for the match. In a shock move, that could also generate much needed funds for the Summer transfer window, messers Gold n Sully have used their contacts in the clothing industry to rush through a new kit that seizes upon the meaty pun provided by the 'ham' in the Hammers name. As a consequence, the lads will be adorned in a HAM-burger jersey as modelled by the dishy James Tomkins - who incidentally, is likely to be the Hammer served with trying to keep up with the gnat-like Scouse striking sensation! Suarez, who has an indefatigable hunger for goals that is only matched by his taste for human flesh, is likely to find the deliciously designed new kit absolutely irresistible!

welcome to your appointment Mr Suarez

3. Big Sam has also hired the help of East London's finest dentists in an attempt to terrify the little Uruguayan player. It has long been rumoured that Suarez has a fear of dental procedures that borders on his phobia for staying on his feet when in the penalty box. The astute Allardyce plans to put this to the test by placing a team of dental technicians behind the Hammers goal - armed with drills and other similarly terrifying implements to dissuade the Liverpool striker from coming too close to the Hammers goal. Unfortunately, this tactic will not provide protection against the propensity for 25 yard screamers that Suarez also possesses!

How's aboot Ye wee mon?

4. Provoke Suarez into a name-calling competition. The Uruguayan has previously attempted to excuse 'inappropriate' comments to opposition forwards by claiming cultural and language differences. However, the current Hammers side includes a defence that has players who are fluent in Spanish, French, Welsh, Kiwi, Norn Ironish, and Essex English. As such, it is well armed to translate any insults that the loquacious Liverpudlian might fling in their direction and can report any such transgressions to the teacher...er sorry, referee (most of them are ex-Coppers or school headmasters living the dream!).

Eagle-eyed Deano responds to media criticism

5. Prevail upon the FA to have Mike Dean installed as match referee. Rumoured to be a distant cousin of ex-Hammers legend Dean Ashton, 'Deano the Meano' as he is now known by some childish sections of the Hull City fan base, has recently demonstrated an capacity to swing matches in the Hammers favour with extremely 'generous' decisions towards the home side. After the harsh treatment West ham received during their drubbing at Anfield earlier this season, one senses that it's pay-back time. An early sending off of Stevie G for 'skulking' or of Glen Johnson for 'not paying attention in class' would be an ideal base from which the Hammers could launch a glorious 0-0 draw!



0-0, Oh That's simply gorgeous!