Tomkins in a Pickle as Methambenzadrine-spiking Theory Revealed

Some Rozzers beating up a guy who has a vague resemblance to Tomka

Hammers hero James Tomkins had to endure the incompetence of crown prosecution earlier this week as his trial for 'getting drunk and acting the tool after losing to Man United' - a crime that most Hammers fans will have a more than passing awareness of - was postponed because the relevant video footage of the incident could not be located!!!

The case could become the most embarrassing boob since the Jules Rimet World cup trophy went missing three months before the 1966 finals. After the rozzers bungled a ransom pay off, the nation had to rely on 'Pickles' a four year old dog to recover the trophy whilst on his morning walkabout.

Pickles in action

On that occasion, the hiatus between the theft and recovery of the trophy allowed for a string of crank theories to emerge as to what had happened - including One man who wrote to Scotland Yard to inform them that his clock had told him the trophy was in Wicklow, Ireland, while Adolf Hieke sent a photograph from a German newspaper with a carefully placed 'X' on the man he believed to be guilty of the theft.

We can surely expect a host of similar crackpot explanations of the Tomkins case - Peter Windybottom, a longtime Hammers observer was quick to reveal that the word on the street isthat Tomkin's drink was almost definitely "spiked with crystal methambenzadrine", while top psychobabbleologists have claimed that he may have multiple personality disorder and was "temporarily possessed by the tiny mind of a Chelsea fan with the consequent mindless foolishness".

Meanwhile, back in the splendour of Basildon District Court, after much huffing and puffing and harumping, it emerged that the file had been relocated - but not in time for the case to proceed on the day. Instead of striking out the charges and warning Tomkins to BEHAVE in the future (and put some of his endless dosh into the poor box), the case was postponed and will require another day away from the training ground.

All of this is particularly foolish given that every curious football fan in the country has seen footage of the incident that was posted within hours by a passer by who filmed the whole messy business on his phone-camera. Ironically, the distraction has done little to upset the star defender's form as he has been playing excellently since Christmas.

Robert Z may be planning a reworking of Hurricane

It appears that Tomkins hopes to argue that he was the victim of an assault. Hmmm - surely he's had long enough to sober up enough to realise that such stances rarely work and that it's usually better to take one's medicine and move on to bigger and better things (like developing the most impregnable Hammers defence of all time at the Olympic Stadium).

There's also another important lesson here - prevention is better than cure: STOP LOSING TO MAN UNITED!!!