As the dust settles on another disappointing Premiership
defeat and the Hammers find themselves just above the relegation places despite
a relatively innocuous early fixture list, the good news emerging from the
Boleyn is that they may have finally found solutions to the Andy Carroll
mystery heel injury.
The club have finally run out of patience with medical ‘experts’
who have failed to find a solution to his problems despite trips across Europe
and even to the US in search of a cure. Instead, they have now called upon a
team of biomedical engineering boffins from the University of Basildon who have
come up with not one, but a choice of effective solutions!
First up is the highly cost effective Withnail polythene bag
boots option as premiered in the cult eighties movie classic ‘Withnail and I’.
A simple visit to any local store will procure these innovative accoutrements and
they then provide endless protection from all sorts of muck and oomskpah that
your modern footie star might encounter. It is expected that there will be
additional sponsorship options for the major supermarket chains to have their
names placed upon the new devices.
A therapeutically exciting alternative is provided by the super
cushioned space boots option – these soft soled sneakers provide tremendous
support and soak up any unwanted pressure that Andy’s bouncy castle-like style
might cause. Moreover, they represent a new style option for merchandise-hungry
Hammers fans who simply cannot get enough of the overpriced pap that trades as ‘crucial’
fan regalia!
A third highly effective but more radical possibility would be to go down the Transformer route. By
providing the injury prone striker with a lower limb attachment to wear during
games he can avoid weight bearing on the damaged heel and also would be more
than protected from further baffling injuries. This option would be likely to
encourage Andy to engage in more of the stampeding horse-like antics that so
terrified Man United during their visit to Upton Park last year.
In a further bonus, it is expected that the Hammers could also sell one of the clones to Liverpool for around 80 million pounds.
Nathan!!! Lmao
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