West Ham vs Stoke Preview: Yikes!!! It’s the invasion of the Orcs!

 

Monday night footie followers are bracing themselves for the mother of all battles with the heavyweight pairing of the Hirsute Hammers versus the Physical Potters. The Premiership’s two most physically adept sides will be sure to collide with a toe to toe encounter predicted. Special crash barriers have been erected around the pitch sides along with a triple presence of the St John’s ambulance in case of player injury. Thankfully, Stoke supporters rarely travel to away matches as they find that supplies of their usual pukey Pies diet are generally insufficient away from their natural habitat in the potteries.

However, in disappointing news for the Potters, Stoke afficionado and panto celebrity, Julian Clary has revealed that unfortunately Micheal Owen will not be available for selection as he is currently ‘up to his eyes’ in intense rehearsals for the Stoke City Christmas pantomime and is undergoing a costume fitting as little Jack, while the appropriately monikered Peter Crouchmay also be absent as he is much sought after as the loveable but generally incompetent giant.

Happily for the Hammers, former Irish Shot Putt champion Rory Delap is also outhaving been seriously injured during a bizarre training ground accident where his arm detached as he was practising his throw in skills. Unfortunately, Little Charlie Adam is also doubtful for the match as he sustained a nasty eye injury after being struck by the flying limb!

Sadly, this season’s clash will be considerably diminished by the absence of the intensely amusing former Potter Ricardo Fuller who livened up a dull Christmas 2008 fixture at Upton park by getting sent off for striking his own team captain for behaving in what Ricky deemed to be a ‘disrespectful’ way, before inevitably the  Hammers coasted to a 2-1 victory . He thus is part of an elite group of players who have taken to remonstrating in the strongest possible terms with their own teammates.

                                                         I'll have you (team) mate!